“Yerim! It’s your turn, c’mon!” Chae piped up, nudging my side. I’d spaced out a bit.

 

We were playing never have I ever at Haseul’s house and I guess I’d let my mind wander. I knew the real reason for that but liked to pretend I didn’t. It shouldn’t bother me anymore. It had been two years.

 

Jinsol giggled as Jungeun nuzzled against her neck, poking at her side and tickling her. I pursed my lips, mad at myself for looking when I’d just made an informal rule in my head to avoid doing so.

 

“Yerim?” Chae asked again, her voice changing slightly.

 

I blinked hard, snapping out of it, “Huh? Oh,” Other people in the circle turned to look at me. They noticed I was acting weird. Heejin was across from me in the circle and something showed behind her eyes for a second. I wondered if she remembered my teary confession to her in that bathroom so long ago.

 

It wasn’t nearly as bad anymore. I’d moved on, really I had. It didn’t hurt to look at Jinsol anymore, we could spend time together and I wouldn’t get butterflies, I didn’t turn green with envy whenever Jungeun spent literal hours fawning over her girlfriend, and I could even manage to third-wheel sometimes if the two really wanted me to come.

 

I loved them both, so there was no way I was going to cut either of them out of my life. Jungeun had been one of my best friends since middle school, and even though it was really hard for me to hangout with her for a while, I was still drawn to Jinsol. I forced it to be platonic. Swallowed so much down, pushed so much away, and although it took time and effort, it worked. Eventually I went back to my old self, my happy, bubbly self, but there was always something a bit different that I never let anyone see. Something that only came out on the bad days, something that still made my chest feel hollow and my heart ache.

 

It seemed like it was turning into one of those days. Just... the way Jinsol’s hand subtly traced patterns along Jungeun’s thigh and the smile on her face, how happy she looked, and how I’d literally never seen Jungeun so carefree before in her life... they were meant for each other, you could just tell. And I knew that, I accepted that, so why was there that painfully familiar tightness in my chest?

 

I took a slightly measured breath, coming up with some throwaway thing for the game so everyone’s prying eyes would move from me, “Never have I ever, uh, dyed my hair.”

 

There were a few scattered groans as Jinsol, Jungeun, Chae and Kahei all lowered a finger.

 

“Oh c’mon Yerim, you really haven’t dyed your hair??” Jungeun tried to insist, seeming unconvinced. She was just mad she had to put down a finger.

 

I shrugged, needing to look at her to respond but feeling my stomach sink at the way Jinsol idly played with her hair, “What..? Um-- no, I haven’t. I’m scared I’ll mess it up or something.” I quickly averted my eyes and stared at the carpet. For some reason I couldn’t bring myself to look at anybody anymore.

 

Chae wrapped her arm around my shoulders and pulled me close, something I normally would have responded to, or smiled at, but I couldn’t, “Ahh, I can help you Yerim! Trust me I’ve gotten really good at it.”

 

I forced out a slight laugh but it sounded off. Not like me. Her grip tightened for a second and I spoke up before anyone could get worried, putting on my normal optimistic inflection as best as I could, “No thanks, I like my hair just the way it is!” Pretending to be normal apparently worked pretty well, because everyone looked away and focused on Yeojin. It was her turn. My shoulders relaxed slightly once the attention shifted from me and Chae felt that too. Her grip loosened and trailed down, instead lightly resting her hand atop mine. I don’t know if she could tell something was wrong or if she just wanted to be cute, but either way the contact was silently appreciated.

 

Yeojin was pretty invested in the game, mainly because she was winning - she had the most fingers still up out of anyone. Yeojin was my best friend though, and had been for as long as I could remember, so she instantly noticed that I was acting strange. Normally she would have leapt at the chance for her turn, already having her statement picked out, but this time she hesitated for a few seconds. I felt her eyes on me but I didn’t look back at her.

 

After a moment or two of near silence, she went, and her turn caused quite a bit of a commotion, “Never have I ever had a crush on a girl.” She said that with her usual exaggerated childish inflection.

 

Oh.

 

Most of the girls in my friend group were lesbians, the only ones I could think who might not be were Haseul, Yeojin and maybe Kahei. I did a quick scan of the room only to see both Haseul and Kahei put fingers down, though. Okay. Interesting. Pursing my lips slightly, I put a finger down too, doing my best to seem discrete.

It was no use, I got noticed immediately.

 

Jungeun gasped loudly and I couldn’t help but flinch, “Whoa whoa, wait a minute, some people just put down fingers who I did not know would put down fingers.” She made a sweeping gesture with her arms, leaning forward slightly off the couch, indicating that the game was officially paused.

 

Hyejoo shared Jungeun’s sentiment, seeming particularly animated that day, “Yeah, Yerim, what the hell?? Who??”

 

I felt my face turning red and I couldn’t help it. All eyes were on me again, everyone expecting something, wanting an answer. What was I supposed to say? I couldn’t say it. That would be weird. It was in the past, the far far past, it was so far from being relevant to anyone besides me. I shouldn’t bring it up. I shouldn’t start reminiscing about a time that was so painful for me when it was already starting to linger in the back of my head anyway. I shouldn’t. No, I couldn’t.  

 

I smiled nervously, tucking some of my hair behind my ear, “It... was a while ago. It’s whatever, it doesn’t matter anymore--”

 

In the next second I was cut off aggressively by Hyunjin, “--No.” I jumped slightly from her forcefulness. Chae still had her hand atop mine and it moved, fingers curling slightly to have a stronger grip. My gaze flitted to her for a second, “You better tell us who it was right now or I’m gonna come over there and slap you.” She made motions as if she was actually going to stand up, but Heejin held her in place by grasping her arm.

 

I looked toward Heejin, pleading wordlessly, and she seemed apologetic but didn’t really know what to do. How could she discreetly get the topic to shift from me without making it seem like it hurt me more than I was letting on? Neither of us knew. All she could really do was restrain Hyunjin and try her best to show her through nothing verbal that she should leave this alone. She couldn’t control the rest of the girls.  

 

I shook my head back and forth, actually feeling like I might have to run away. Chae’s grasp on me was honestly one of the only things preventing me from getting to my feet and bolting out of the room, even though the rational part of me knew that would raise more concerns than just staying put and deflecting.

 

This was such a hard balance - I knew I had to insist that I kept it to myself, but if I let it show just how badly it hurt me, how intensely I was affected and how sensitive this still was for me, they would just pry even harder. I was so terrified, and my voice trembled slightly despite my best efforts at sounding firm, “No, you can’t make me. Really guys I don’t feel like talking about it.”

 

The seriousness of my tone made the air get thick with tension for a second. That wasn’t like me - I was never serious. I knew these girls almost better than I knew myself, and I knew that their curiosity was totally piqued and that they wanted nothing more than to enter full on interrogation mode, but wouldn’t. I couldn’t have been any more clear. I felt so many eyes on me, I felt so many questions being asked without any words being said, but I just stared at the carpet and wouldn’t look at anybody.

 

Jinsol leaned slightly forward out of her seat, Jungeun's arms around her waist still holding her to the couch, “Haseul!!! You aren't off the hook either!” She pointed a slender figure at Yeojin's older sister, sounding even more accusatory and demanding than Hyunjin had with me.

 

I let myself relax, realizing that they'd moved on. I really did love all of them. They pushed aside how much they'd wanted to know because they didn't want to make me upset. Even Hyunjin had totally calmed down, her threats instantly forgotten once she saw how adamant I was about not discussing it.

 

I tugged myself away from Chae’s grasp and rested it in my lap, lazily keeping my other hand with the fingers I had left up but really not wanting to play this game anymore. Chae didn't try to reach for me again and didn't even bother asking why I'd moved away. I think she could make the connection, and knew that she shouldn't press it anymore.

 

Jinsol rested her head on Jungeun’s shoulder and a tangible wave of just... pain washed over me. I bit my tongue, shutting my eyes for a few seconds. Why did it still hurt? I barely had feelings for Jinsol anymore and I mean that honestly. Time had closed up the wound more or less, but that didn’t mean it had healed all the way. At the very least, it shouldn’t be poked and prodded at, but that’s what it felt like was happening.

 

Eventually I was out of the game, all my fingers down. It was a relief. I wasn’t gonna be forced to say anything anymore. My mouth stayed shut for what must’ve been the next half hour and I just sat there as a bystander. At some point I tugged my legs against my chest, wanting nothing more than to just go home and curl up in my bed where nobody could see me.

 

I felt unstable. I felt weak and fragile and like if anyone else touched me I'd just break apart into little pieces, and I didn't understand why. It was over. It was done. I'd gotten over it. For the most part I could look at Jinsol and my heart wouldn't wrench from what I knew I couldn't have. For the most part I could genuinely let myself be happy for Jungeun. For the most part whenever they were together I was fine. Things were fine.

 

So why was it that this was coming back down on me so hard? Because it was brought up so directly? Besides confessing to Heejin in that bathroom, I had never spoken a single word about the crush to anyone. Not a soul. Heejin hadn't dared to mention it ever again either. She must've assumed that it had gone pretty badly just because of how much of a hollow shell I was for the next few months after I'd stumbled upon Jungeun and Jinsol together that day.

 

When Jungeun told the group about her new girlfriend, Heejin had gasped a bit louder than the others and stared at me across the cafeteria table. I'd just excused myself politely and went into an empty classroom, slinking to the floor and willing myself not to cry.

 

That was when it was at its worst: when I was forced to think about it, forced to talk about it, forced to relive just how badly I'd coped and how awfully it had hurt me. I took refuge in my other friends - Yeojin especially - spending as much time with them as I could, and gradually started to expose myself to Jungeun and Jinsol again. It took me an embarrassingly long time until I could see Jinsol and not almost start to cry, and it took an even longer time before I could think of Jungeun in the same way. If I'm being totally honest, for a really short time I had this weird sort of idea in my head that she'd betrayed me somehow, as if she'd known about my crush on Jinsol but went for her anyway – which I knew wasn't true and that I was being totally irrational. But my brain in those days just wasn't susceptible to any sort of reason. It was like I didn't even know the person that was inside my head, because the way that my mind worked back then wasn't like me and I don't know how to explain it besides that. It was sad and it did anything to fuel being sad.

 

“Yes!!!” A piercing shriek snapped me out of my mental tangent. Yeojin somehow wound up winning the game and was ecstatic, elated as per usual. I loved seeing her happy, and normally it made me just as hyped up, but I didn’t even flinch, still too lost in my own thoughts.

 

“Yerim-ah!!” She reached toward me, wrapping her arm around my waist and tugging me closer. Her touch was so familiar and comforting, something that reminded me of happier times where things were less complicated, where I could just be myself and forget about anything that had ever or would ever make me feel anything less than content, “I won!! This makes you an honorary winner too!” She was bouncing up and down she was so excited. It made me smile. Wow, it actually made me smile.

 

I nodded, some of the girls started to clear out of the room and spread out around the house. Jungeun and Jinsol stayed put, though. I didn’t even have to look to know that, I just felt it - really familiar with the density the air got for me whenever the two of them were in the room at the same time.

 

“Do you get a prize?” I asked her, surprised at how normal I sounded when in all honesty I felt emptier than I had in months.

 

Yeojin frowned for a second, “Hmm, I dunno! Maybe Haseul can make me cookies!” She seemed so instantly energized even from the concept of potential cookies. The sentiment was mutual even when I was feeling so off, and my smile widened.

 

She got to her feet, having previously been sitting on the floor with me, instead rushing all over the first floor of the house in a flurry, yelling for Haseul, who she couldn’t seem to find anywhere.

 

“Yeojin, oh my god, can you stop shrieking for literally three seconds??” Sooyoung asked in annoyance, consistently seeming to lack any sort of patience for Yeojin. She stood from her chair, grabbing Yeojin’s arm as she passed to hold her in place for a second, “I think she’s upstairs anyway, jeez, I’ll get her. Just shhhh.” With that she hiked up the stairs, rolling her eyes the whole way.

 

Yeojin plopped back down at my side with an “oomph,” resting her head on her hand and staring at me with her big doe-eyes. I stuck my tongue out at her and she mimicked me, scrunching up her nose, “Because we’re a package deal, you get the cookies too. We both won.” She told me softly, the sentiment behind her words unexpectedly making my chest feel less constricted.

 

“Thanks.” I muttered under my breath, startling both myself and her at just how genuine I sounded. Sooyoung retrieved Haseul and Kahei from upstairs and Haseul headed into the kitchen to presumably make the requested cookies.

 

Yeojin hid her face in her hands for a second, something I knew she usually did when she was up to something. My brow furrowed at her, “What?”

 

She chuckled mischievously, “I cheated.”

 

My eyes widened in only slight surprise. Yeojin never had tended to be the most fair player when we got into games like this, and she was also a sore loser. It was one of the things I grudgingly learned to love about her, “Cheated?? You mean you lied?”

 

She smirked smugly at me, getting way too much of a kick out of this, “Yep!” She made a popping sound on the “p” to needlessly emphasize it.

 

I scoffed at her, feigning shock and disappointment, “Wow, Yeojin, I don’t even want your cookies, they’re tainted now.”

 

She laughed her laugh that was always a little bit too loud, “Too bad! I’ll shove those cookies down your throat if I have to!!”

 

I just rolled my eyes at her, not quite feeling energized enough to match her level of hype like I normally would have, instead trying to restrain the conversation a bit by leveling out my tone and lowering my own volume, “What did you lie about?”

 

“Huh?” It seemed to catch her off guard. Had she not heard it?

 

“What did you keep a finger up for?” I clarified.

 

I thought it was something flippant. Maybe even a few throwaway answers that she just claimed she’d never done, and based on how willingly she’d revealed her cheating I hadn’t expected even an ounce of hesitation in response to my question. So when she paused, when she took a second to respond and wouldn’t match my gaze anymore, I knew something was up. I could read her like a book. What I didn’t understand was why she’d be so cautious.

 

“Uhhhmm,” She giggled again, fiddling with one of her braids. I raised an eyebrow at her, wordlessly prying further, “I-I actually have dyed my hair

 

I narrowed my eyes at her and her cheeks lit with a slight blush, “What?” I let another smile creep across my face, still not getting what her motive was for lying like this, “No you haven’t?”

 

“Yes I have.” She responded instantly, too quickly, her defensiveness showing through as clear as day.

 

If she wanted to play this game, I’d play this game, “When?”

 

She faltered for a moment, not having anticipated me asking anything more. I knew she was pulling all of this out of nowhere, so I gave her a few extra seconds to come up with her lies, “A while ago.”

 

I tilted my head at her, “What color?”

 

“Brown.”

 

I was thoroughly unconvinced and she could tell, only seeming to double down on her insistence, “Your hair is brown.”

 

“Darker brown.”

 

“How much darker?” I leaned closer.

 

“A shade.” Her blush got more intense.

 

“A shade?” A leaned even closer, raising my eyebrow up higher.

 

“Yes! A shade!” She reached forward and shoved me back into my previous position by my shoulder, suppressing a grin. I just laughed at her antics, at our antics, the density the air had seeming to thin and the tightness in my chest long since having faded, “Gosh, Yerim, why are you coming at me so hard?”

 

I pouted slightly and she pouted right back, “Why are you lying?”

 

“I’m not!!” She insisted even still, shoving me again for good measure.

 

I waved dismissively at her, realizing it wasn’t worth it and that she wasn’t going to budge, although I was dreadfully curious. She wasn’t one to hide things from me, or anyone really. Maybe it was embarrassing or something. I let it go, since everyone had just done the same for me earlier. It was the least I could do, when she so consistently did so much for me.

 

My gaze flitted to Jinsol and Jungeun. They were talking to each other in low, incomprehensible tones while Jinsol poked and pinched at Jungeun’s cheeks. Occasionally Jungeun would tilt her head and place a slight kiss on Jinsol’s hand. I looked at them, and I let my eyes linger, but I didn’t feel anything. My chest didn’t hurt. My heart didn’t ache. The world didn’t feel like it was caving in on itself around me. It just felt... normal. Like nothing. Like how I felt when I saw Heejin and Hyunjin together - like I was uninvolved. A bystander.

 

Yeojin reached forward, clasping one of my hands, “Hey, can you sleepover?” I looked back at her warm eyes just as her thumb brushed against me softly and the contact made me... feel safe? I dunno. It’s hard to explain.

 

I smiled at her, probably the most sincere, genuine smile I’d smiled in a long time, “I don’t think so. I have that paper for history.”

 

She whined, pouting with her adorably pudgy cheeks, “Forget that! I miss youuu.”

 

I intertwined my fingers with hers and she tightened her grip at the gesture, “I literally see you every day.”

 

“That’s not true, you’re busy on weekends sometimes.” She always held that against me, like it was some personal attack if I had any sort of plan or responsibility that didn’t involve her, “Can we hangout tomorrow? Pleeeaasse? I really want to talk to you about something.” The last sentence of her list of pleas caught my attention.

 

“About what?” I asked slowly.

 

Something behind her eyes changed, and she hesitated again before answering - scanning the room first and seeming to process who was there. She lowered her voice - something she did very rarely - so only I could hear her next words, “I don’t want to talk about it here. Just... are you free tomorrow? We can go to our place.”

 

Our place. For a second or two I wondered what she meant, but I realized it without needing to ask. I guess it was “our place,” she’d just never really called it that before.

 

She had me effortlessly intrigued, so whatever plans I did have for the next day could be postponed, “Yeah. Sure. I’ll come by at noon okay?”

 

She nodded enthusiastically, one of her signature bright smiles lighting up her face, and then things went back to normal. We had our usual banter, our usual excitement and bickering and chasing each other around and joking and laughing. The longer I was with her the more carefree and light I felt, the more like myself I felt. I left that night practically elated, smiling like a dope at nothing, hugging her goodbye and clinging to her for just a bit longer than I normally would’ve.

 

I showed up the next day right on time. She burst out the door before I’d even stepped onto the porch, charging at me and tackling me into another hug. I almost lost my footing, falling down one of her front steps, but she kept me standing.

 

“Are you trying to kill me??” I asked jokingly, shoving her shoulder and trying to pry myself from her iron grip around my waist.

 

She giggled, “I’ve been trying for years but it hasn’t worked!!”

 

I rolled my eyes, “Okay, well c’mon. I’m driving us.” I walked to my car parked in front but she didn’t release her hold on me. I practically had to drag the two of us there and then physically deposit her into the passenger’s seat.

 

“Can I drive??” She asked giddily as I got in the other side.

 

“Yeojin you don’t even have your license.” I started the engine and pulled onto the street, and she actually leaned over and tried to grab the wheel. I slapped her hand away, “Put your seatbelt on!”

 

She grumbled but listened to me, “You sound just like Haseul, and I have my permit! It’s not as illegal for me to drive anymore.”

 

I scoffed at her, laughing lightly to myself, “You’re ridiculous.”

 

She giggled devilishly, propping her feet up on the dashboard, “You know you love me!”

 

I did. I really really did.

 

We parked in the usual lot, Yeojin practically leaping out of the car before it had a chance to fully stop. I didn’t even bother trying to scold her for that, it was no use. She clasped my hand and skipped ahead, leading the way to our place. It was an absolutely gorgeous day out - the sun was shining through white puffy clouds and a light breeze tousled our hair every now and then. I tried to get her to slow down so we could really enjoy the weather and the short walk, but she was having none of it.

 

“Our place” wasn’t much of a “place” at all, it was just a particularly secluded bench on a dirt path away from a busier part of a park, lined on both sides with cherry blossom trees. They’d started to fall and coat the path, drifting in the air and making everything impossibly pretty. We’d stumbled upon this little bench one day a year or so before, when Yeojin had somehow gotten herself lost during an outing at the park. She’d instantly dubbed the bench “ours,” because it had seemed so dilapidated and abandoned that it really did seem like we’d “discovered” it She’d even carved our names subtly onto the wood.

 

I sat with her, taking a few moments to breathe in the impossibly relaxing smell of the blossoms, tucking one of my legs beneath me and letting the other dangle carelessly off the edge of the bench. She sat too, cross-legged, facing me. Her usual energy abruptly seemed to leave her and she actually got calm. Whoa. Yeojin was calm like, 20% of the time. My brow furrowed and I looked at her instead of at the trees.

 

I pursed my lips for a second, her unusual demeanor actually making me remember the reason for this entire trip, “So what did you want to talk to me about...?”

 

Her expression was serious. It was so surreal. I could count the number of times I’d seen Yeojin serious on one hand. Instead of being curious I was sort of nervous now.

 

She sighed lightly, tracing her fingers absentmindedly along the patterns of the wood, lingering on where our names were vaguely visible “You’re my best friend Yerim. I can tell when something’s wrong. Something's been wrong.” She said that with a tinge of regret, like she was mad at herself for not having talked to me about this sooner, “I was worried you'd get upset when I tried to bring it up, though, so I brought you to your favorite place.” She dared to smile again, the expression nothing more than a slight upturn at the corners of her lips instead of her usual ear-to-ear, toothy beaming.

 

I smiled too at the way she’d worded that, my chest strangely experiencing a sense of lightness and a tightening simultaneously, “You’re right, this is my favorite place. And you’re my favorite person.” That wasn’t an exaggeration. She really was.

 

Her cheeks flushed with color at the unanticipated, incredibly genuine compliment, “You’re my favorite person too. You beat everyone else by a landslide,” My heart fluttered. She leaned slightly closer, whispering now, “Don’t tell Jiwoo. She’ll get sad.”

 

I chuckled at her, “Gotcha. This is just between us.”

 

The air was light and I liked it that way. I didn’t want to talk about this, honestly. It was in the past, and I felt better then than I ever had, when it was just the two of us away from everything else. It was like our own little world, a safe bubble where I didn’t have to think about the bad things, where they couldn’t get me and they didn’t matter. The only thing that mattered when I was with Yeojin was Yeojin - nothing else. Not a single other thing, and I’d like to keep it like this. But she wanted to know. There was a glint to her eyes I’d never seen before and I could tell it was a wordless plea for me to just open up. To talk to her, to tell her, to be honest with her about things I’d only ever told one other person. Didn’t she deserve that, at the very least? Didn’t she deserve to know?  

 

She took a bit of a deeper breath, her smile slowly sliding from her face, “Okay. Now I mean, if you really don’t want to talk about whatever’s been bothering you, I don’t want to push, but...” She trailed off, leaving me to fill in the blank. I knew what she was implying but didn’t want to say outright: she was curious. Rightfully so - I’d never really kept anything from her before besides this. It wasn’t anything against her though, I hadn’t told anyone besides Heejin and that was only because she’d caught me at a really vulnerable moment. If I could go back, I never would’ve told her either.

 

I leaned my head against the side of the bench, looking at her fondly, knowing that there was no real reason to not tell her besides knowing it would be hard to force out. I left her hanging in tangible suspense for a few moments longer before finally starting to talk about this for the first time in two years.

 

“A couple years ago, I had a really bad crush.” My throat already felt tight just from revealing that all on its own. I swallowed hard, trying to keep it together before I had a chance to fall apart.

 

Yeojin tilted her head at me adorably, “Bad how?” She made her voice quiet and thoughtful, and I could tell just from the tone that she was trying to show me I could stop talking about this whenever I wanted. It was good to know I had that opportunity, but I didn’t plan on changing the subject.

 

I should talk about it and I knew that. Part of the reason that it probably hurt so badly for so long was because I let it fester. I gave it so much more power than it needed to have by treating it like a taboo secret, a burden only I could bear, when in reality I had so many supportive people around me who would’ve wanted nothing more than to help.

 

I pursed my lips for a second, still feeling a deep-seated hesitation despite knowing I shouldn’t, “Bad... like... actually, it wasn’t a crush.” I changed my wording. I should be completely honest. No more secrets, no more brushing past the truth. Yeojin raised an eyebrow at me, confused, “I was in love with them--” We both flinched, but for different reasons. She was just caught off guard at how strong the feelings had actually been, while I realized I was still hiding something. And I didn’t need to. Clenching my hands into fists, I corrected myself, “--her.”

 

She nodded slowly and I could tell she was consciously holding back how surprised she was. My whole body was tense and I couldn’t quite meet her eyes. This was a lot. I mean, I’d mentioned the whole “liking a girl” thing the night before, but I’d only said it was a crush. A small thing that didn’t matter, when that was so far from being the case, and now she knew. Even Heejin never fully understood just how intense it was, how much I’d really cared. Now Yeojin was the only one who knew this, and I think she was aware of that, and it was really affecting her. I’d never seen her be this serious throughout our entire friendship.

 

She didn’t interject again, just being uncharacteristically patient with me and sitting there in silence. A passerby at the park had stumbled upon the path and was walking thoughtfully along it, and I waited until he was out of earshot before I dared to speak up again.

 

“It was bad because... well, you can guess why.” Part of the reason I left that so open ended was because I really doubted my ability to say it so bluntly out loud. To say “oh, the first person I ever really loved didn’t have any sort of feelings for me back,” and act like that didn’t hurt to even think, let alone vocalize. I could already feel something rising in my chest that I recognized all too well as tears, but I didn’t want to cry. God, I was so sick of the crying. I was past it. I didn’t need to anymore. Right?

 

She could tell. She could instantly tell, and she scooted closer on the bench, frowning, her brow crinkling up in worry and concern. She rested her hand atop mine and the contact was so soft and sincere and sweet, it helped me keep it all back. It reminded me that this was in the past, that although it hurt me so terribly, it was over. I’d gotten through and come out on the other side, for better or for worse.

 

She was uncertain of what she was about to do, but understandably her curiosity got out of hand and she felt that she needed to ask, “You don’t have to answer this, but...”

 

I didn’t have to hear the question, already anticipating it and making a spontaneous decision to answer, “Jinsol. It was Jinsol.” Ouch. Saying her name like that just... hit me hard, for some reason, and I flinched slightly. I smiled bitterly, shutting my eyes just as they started to burn. Yeojin’s grip on my hand tightened, her fingers curling around mine.

 

“Oh...” She muttered to herself, probably not even having expected me to tell her at all. Something seemed to click for her after a few lingering moments of dense silence, “A couple years ago...? Wasn’t that when she and Jungeun...?” I used my free hand to partially conceal my face, not feeling stable enough to withdraw from her grasp yet, “Oh.”

 

I shook my head back and forth, composure tangibly thinning more and more every second I relived all this, feeling vulnerable and weak and stupid. My cheeks lit with a blush and I tried desperately to hide my face, hide from her, hide from how much this still hurt when for every reason under the sun, it shouldn’t. It had happened. It was done. I was done, I was past it, I’d moved on and recovered and didn’t like Jinsol anymore, not even a little. Was all of this just some sort of residual reaction that had been pent up in me from all the literal years of suffering in silence?

 

“Hey, hey,” She scooted closer again, her voice impossibly soft and so ridiculously comforting it sent me reeling, “It’s okay... god, Yerim, that’s awful. I’m sorry.” The apology was so confusingly sincere. Why was she sorry? She hadn’t done anything wrong.
 

“For what?” I asked, incredibly grateful that my voice didn’t break or crack. I couldn’t bring myself to look at her or to show my face, the tears still threatening to erupt from me at the slightest slip of my tongue or if I got pushed even an inch over the edge.

 

“For not having been there for you. I should’ve known something was wrong and helped.” The guilt that audibly dripped from her words made my heart wrench.

 

In an instant I moved my hand so I could look at her, so I could match her gaze with my glossy eyes as tears clung to my eyelashes, emphasizing my words as firmly as I could manage, “Don’t do that. None of this is even remotely your fault, I was the stupid one who shut myself out from the people who mattered most. From you - the best person, the person who makes me so happy from doing literally anything - just from breathing.” I hadn’t anticipated being so sentimental, but I didn’t seem to have even the slightest filter anymore. Everything I was saying was 100% raw and I couldn’t help it. My emotions were running high and they had nowhere to go except out.

 

She smiled sheepishly, the slight blush that had been on her cheeks deepening and spreading down her neck, “Ahh, shush. I’m being serious.”

 

I finally shifted my grip on her hand, intertwining our fingers together firmly, taking note of the way her hand slightly trembled, “I know. So am I.” My voice broke on the last word.

 

She frowned, seeming distraught at how upset I was, “Please don’t cry Yerim, I dunno what I’ll do if you cry.” She pleaded with me gently.

 

I laughed, blinking rapidly - trying to dismiss the tears before they could get any more intense. The feeling of her reaching with her free hand to trace soft circles along the back of my hand helped. It steadied me, steadied my slightly uneven breathing, soothed me. Just knowing she was there, that she always would be, that she always had been, it was so indescribably reassuring. And I knew, without needing to ask her or even say another word, that if I had gone to her when I was at my worst, if I had told her what was wrong and asked her for help, she would’ve been by my side through it all, every step of the way

 

We stayed there on that bench for what must’ve been hours, talking about anything and everything. She had a few more questions about the sad stuff and I answered slowly, making sure to pace myself so I wouldn’t lose it again. Any time I looked away, or my face fell, or my voice got weak, she’d scoot closer to me or hold my hand or brush her hand along my cheek and I’d instantly be drawn back into her carefree, happy aura. Pretty soon I’d practically forgotten the reason we’d come there, too lost in our laughter and her voice and the way she’d look at me sometimes to care about when things had been dark and empty. She made me forget, and I couldn’t find the words to ever come close to thanking her properly for that.

 

Once the sun was getting low and the sky was turning orange, I started to come back to reality and get a grasp on the time, “Oh, gosh, we’ve been here forever!” I pulled my hand away from hers and she pouted at me, “Yeojin-ahh, I really do have to write that paper.”

 

She huffed out a childish breath, “Okayy, fine...” She got a weird look that I couldn’t quite recognize, which was strange. I could normally tell what she was feeling from even the slightest glance, but I’d never seen that glint to her eyes before, “Wait, but--” There was an urgency to her tone I also hadn’t expected. This was weird, “Can you close your eyes for a second?” The question seemed stilted. Like she wasn’t even sure if it was a question.

 

I raised an eyebrow at her, not trusting this, “Why?”

 

She was blushing again. She’d been blushing a lot more than usual lately, which also wasn’t like her. For a few lingering moments I wondered if I should bring up her weird behavior, but it didn’t necessarily seem like something was wrong - unlike me, so I guess it wasn’t too important.

 

She shrugged but the indifference was forced, “I wanna try something.”

 

I scoffed under my breath, wondering if it was possible for me to be prepared for whatever it was she planned on doing, “Ok...” I shut my eyes slowly, but felt myself tense as soon as I heard her shifting on the bench, “--You better not put dirt on me or something!!” I did my best to sound threatening but I don’t think it worked very well.

 

She seemed unfazed, but I still was having a frustratingly hard time reading whatever it was behind the tone of her voice, “No, no, just...” She trailed off, going quiet, and all I could hear was the way that the light breeze faintly rustled the cherry blossoms. For a while, nothing happened. I didn’t hear her move again, and I was just sitting there feeling stupid, bracing myself for some sort of impact, for her to shove me or tickle me or put a bug in my hair or something along those lines, but she didn’t.

 

Instead, finally after a few lingering seconds, I heard her move again.

 

And I felt something soft press lightly against my lips.

 

I couldn’t help it, my eyes shot open on instinct, and they only got wider when I saw Yeojin, flush against me, kissing me, and my mind seemed to short circuit. I didn’t know what to do, I couldn’t think or move or do much of anything, I was dumbstruck.

 

I came to my senses after what must’ve been only a moment and I gently shoved forward, detaching her from me by her shoulder. She sat back in her previous spot and I couldn’t read her face, couldn’t do anything besides blush and stutter and try to think even a single actual thought.

 

“Whoa, I-I, um--?” I smiled nervously, giggling like an idiot, responses that were familiar to something that couldn’t have been any less familiar.

 

She shrugged again, seeming way less affected by that than I was, “Okay, just wanted to see!” Her voice was normal. She was being normal. How could she be normal right now?? What was going on?? Did I just hallucinate that??? Was this even happening???

 

My jaw had long since dropped and I couldn’t seem to close it, “See what??” How did she want me to react to this?? How was I supposed to react to this???
 

Why was my heart beating so fast...?

 

She swung her legs over the edge of the bench, getting to her feet and extending a hand down to me, “What all the fuss was about!” She said that like it was self-explanatory.

 

The fuss? What fuss?? Kissing girls?? Did she think I’d kissed a girl before, because I absolutely had never, I’d never kissed anyone! Had she?? I had so many different questions but I found myself too scared to ask them, my heart still in my throat and my hands shaking. I got to my feet without accepting her hand, but my legs felt like jelly.

 

“U-um, okay...?” I didn’t know what else to say.

 

She changed the topic as we headed back to the car, effortlessly holding bubly conversation with me about casual, normal stuff and pointing out any dog that passed by, like usual. I was so out of it, I desperately struggled to keep up with her, to act like I wasn’t bothered, but I was. I was so incredibly bothered, and I couldn’t figure out why - why my heart kept swelling and my cheeks were still flushed and why I couldn’t look at her eyes for too long without getting lost there...

 

Whoa. What was going on?

 

The days dragged on and I didn’t talk about what had happened on that bench, it just didn’t get brought up again by either of us. That didn’t mean I’d stopped thinking about it though. Quite the opposite. I replayed that kiss over and over again in my head nearly every second, reliving what I’d said, how I’d reacted, how it felt, how soft her skin was, how the sound of her voice made me smile without her even needing to try, how I knew everything about her - even the bad stuff - and it just made me love her even more...

 

Oh boy. Okay. What was happening?

 

All of my time was devoted to just trying to sort out my own thoughts, trying to figure out what it was that I was feeling, trying to convince myself it wasn’t what I knew it was because I was so scared of feeling that again. It only ever led up to pain and unrequited feelings and sadness, and I’d had enough of that. I just couldn’t bear any more pain, I couldn’t bear falling for someone again and getting turned down, I couldn’t let another part of my heart just wither away - there wasn’t much left for me to give.

 

I swallowed it down, suppressed it, pretended like it wasn’t there because it wasn’t supposed to be. It was hard. Sometimes it felt like I was warring with my own brain again - actively shutting down trains of thoughts when I started to go down them, having mental fights with myself whenever I found myself daydreaming about things that wouldn’t ever happen. We were friends-- no, we were best friends, and that was enough. That had always been enough. Why did I have to want more? Why did my stupid heart always have to ruin everything?

 

Months went by like this and things didn’t change, really, besides my constant internalized battle against emotions that were always lingering at the top of my chest. We still saw each other every day. We still spent as much time together as we could. She was still lively and touchy and affectionate, and I was too, but sometimes I’d catch myself staring for longer than I should. Sometimes I’d hold her hand a bit tighter than normal, or my eyes would flit to her lips and think back to that time on the bench. I ignored it. I didn’t want to lose her.

 

My mind flashed back to my conversation with Heejin in that bathroom so long ago, how she’d asked me to consider if Jinsol was “the type” who would abandon me after I confessed me feelings, and I’d said no. Yeojin wouldn’t abandon me either. Heck, I couldn’t get rid of Yeojin if I tried, and I wouldn’t have it any other way.

 

So... should I tell her?

 

Should I say something? Confess?

 

No. What was the point? Was I really going to be able to deal with even the slightest hint of rejection? I didn’t think so. I was so fragile in that department, with anything romantic, just from how badly I’d been burned last time.

 

One day we were sitting in her room, both mildly out of breath from having chased one another all over her house for a solid twenty minutes because she’d snatched a lollipop straight from my hand and dared me to get it back. I was almost successful, having literally tackled her to the floor of her room while I tried to pry it from her, but she chomped down and ate the whole thing in one bite as soon as she realized I almost had the upper hand.

 

I leaned against her bed, both of us still on her carpet while she giggled devilishly at me. She was way too pleased with herself.

 

“You are so mean,” I whined at her, the stick of the lollipop still poking out from between her toothy smile, “This is the worst betrayal I’ve ever experienced in my life.”

 

“I’d say sorry, but I’m really not.” She tossed the stick carelessly over her shoulder to somewhere else in her always semi-messy room.

 

I rolled my eyes, that same affection swelling up in my chest and forcing me to look away from her. That affection that had once had so many less connotations behind it, the affection that made my head start to hurt now from how many conflicting thoughts would run through me all at once whenever I felt it, “I appreciate your honesty.”

 

Her childish giggling trailed off abruptly and I wasn’t sure why. Getting it together after a few seconds, I dared to look at her and I couldn’t read her expression. It reminded me of the one she’d gotten that day on the bench - the one I couldn’t forget no matter how hard I tried. My heart skipped a beat. Why was she looking at me like that again? What did it mean? Was I reading into things? I was really good at reading into things, so that was pretty possible.

 

Her brow crinkled up slightly in the middle and my heart fluttered at how adorable she was. I slapped myself in my head. None of that.

 

“Yerim, we’re best friends, right?” Her question was asked so softly and innocently, like she wasn’t sure what I’d say to that. It caught me off guard - where did that come from?

 

My response was immediate, automatic, “Absolutely.” We were best friends. Just best friends. I valued her more than anyone I’d ever met, but I kept that comment back. I’d gotten more careful with what I said lately, worried that I’d unintentionally hint at things without meaning to.

 

She scooted slightly closer to me on the floor, crossing her legs and fiddling nervously with her fingers in her lap. This was weird. Why was she nervous? Yeojin didn’t get nervous, I didn’t think she even knew what nervousness was.

 

“And...” She took a deep breath, her hands starting to tremble slightly. I tilted my head at her, feeling more concerned than curious, “...best friends don’t keep secrets, right?”

 

“Yeah...” I had no idea where she was going with this.

 

“And best friends don’t ever stop being best friends, right?” She sounded scared. Yeojin didn’t get scared either, at least not about things that actually mattered. She was scared of the dark and centipedes and banjo music, not me. Never of me.

 

“Yeojin, what’s this about?” I asked her softly, edging closer. Part of me wanted to reach forward, clasp her hands to try and steady them, really just do anything to calm her down. I didn’t like seeing her like this, thinking that even the slightest thing was wrong with her. I felt an unfamiliar protectiveness rising up in me and all I wanted to do was make her feel better, no matter what.

 

She brushed some of her hair out of her face, a motion that made my stomach do a little flip. It seemed like she was really thinking hard about how to say whatever it was she was going to say, like it was a big deal. The suspense was killing me.

 

“...remember how I kissed you that time?”

 

The air got straight out of the room, or at least it did for me. I almost sputtered. I’m not sure what I’d expected her to say, but it wasn’t that. I’d almost started to assume that she’d forgotten that even happened. She had a pretty bad memory and she’d been so flippant about it, I wouldn’t have been surprised, but... the way she asked me, the caution and worry so clear in her tone, it made me realize she absolutely hadn’t forgotten. That she’d thought about it since then, just like I had, but neither of us had dared to say a word.

 

“Yeah...?” I clenched my hands into fists, becoming hyper aware of how close together we were, taking note of the distance and wishing it was smaller.

 

Color came to her face again. She was embarrassed. So was I, but for some reason I wasn’t blushing that time. I wasn’t sure why.

 

Yeojin took a deep breath, her expression changing again and becoming less uncertain - more decisive. My next breath got caught in my throat in preparation for whatever decision she’d made, “I lied.”

 

The air got thick and it started to weigh me down. She’d lied? About what...? About why she’d done it...? My brain was going a million miles a minute, an overflow of conflicting thoughts and hopes and questions flooding me. I didn’t say anything, just sat there with my lips parted, slack-jawed.

 

She looked scared again, and if I had been able to function I would’ve surged closer and hugged her, but I was too shocked to even move. Despite her nerves, she’d made a decision and she stuck with it. I knew she would. She was so stubborn.

 

“I-I did it because I wanted to.”

 

Wanted to??? She wanted to kiss me??? My heart was beating so hard and fast I was worried it’d just burst straight out of my ribcage and land on her lap, but none of it was showing through on the outside. Outside, I was just sitting there with my mouth gaped open, staring at her in disbelief.

 

I think she thought I was confused. Like I didn’t understand what she was implying, but I did. I was just so taken aback, so absolutely overwhelmed. I almost didn’t want to let myself believe it, too scared that something would go wrong, that I was dreaming, that none of this was real or that I’d read the signals incorrectly somehow.

 

So she elaborated, and my whole world seemed to just get flipped upside down, “Because, I... Yerim, I think I have a crush on you.” Her voice was so timid and small, I could barely hear her.

 

I still didn’t say a word. I know I should’ve but it seriously felt like I couldn’t talk even if I tried.

 

So she kept going. More and more just kept tumbling out of her, without even the slightest sort of filter, confessions coming one after another, breaking down the walls I’d built up around my heart more and more with every single one, “A-and it’s nothing crazy, just a little thing, so I mean, I can make it go away if you want, but I’ve been keeping it a secret and I don’t like having secrets with you, it doesn’t feel right, so I-I thought I should tell you but also you can pretend you don’t know this if you’d rather not know it, it’s just a dumb thing I shouldn’t have even--”

 

I couldn’t talk but that didn’t mean I couldn’t move. So I did.

 

I broke the space between us, gently placing my hand on one of her cheeks and daring to press my lips ever so softly against hers. God, the butterflies in my chest were going absolutely insane - a pleasant buzzing going through me that I hadn’t felt for years and never thought I’d ever let myself feel again. She stopped her rambling, obviously, and I felt her start to shake. One of her hands reached forward and just barely rested on my arm, like she wasn’t sure what to do or what she could touch.

 

Feeling myself getting lightheaded after a few dragging moments, I forced myself to pull back ever so slightly, resting my forehead against hers and finally letting myself stare. Letting myself get lost in her soft, warm brown eyes, and take it all in.  

 

“Shh. You talk too much...” I muttered, trying and absolutely failing to make my voice steady.

 

“So do you.” She giggled, adorably flustered, her smile so wide and genuine it made me laugh right along with her, slightly startled that I’d gotten so bold. I don’t think either of us expected it, but I was glad. God, I was so glad, so happy.

 

It felt like some part of me was blooming, a part I thought I’d lost such a long time ago when everything had been dark and barren, something that had withered and gone away was coming back. And it was all thanks to her. My heart was swelling and fluttering in a way that I’d never felt it before, with such intense affection and appreciation and adoration it made my whole body tingle with fuzziness. Her skin was warm and she felt like flowers and her laugh made me smile without her even having to try.

 

I loved her, and this time she loved me too.

 

A/N:

 

Guys i literally felt so bad for making yerim sad that i needed to write this, i couldn’t deal with it i felt like i’d just kicked a puppy off a cliff with how that last part ended

 

But yay! Happy yerim! As it should be!!!!

 

I love you guys and this fandom, i’m in my soft hours over here

 

If anyone cares i have a twitter where i scream about anything even remotely gay

 

@gayforloona

 

Love4eva

 

<3