Warning: sad

 

I’d never been one to show when I was sad. Scratch that - I’d never been one to be sad in the first place, actually. It just wasn’t something I’d ever had to deal with, so when I finally did? When something happened in my life that could most definitely be classified at the very least as “sad?” It was like I’d been hit by a freight train.

 

Let me start at the beginning.

 

I remember every second of this hour long encounter like it had just happened two minutes ago. That’s especially weird for me, since I have a shoddy memory, but it just shows how hard I was impacted by this. By her.

 

I’d failed history. Whoops! It definitely wasn’t my strongest subject. I had to repeat the class, and the teacher assigned me to some tutor from the nearby college just for good measure. That teacher didn’t like me very much, and I think he was just trying to assure himself that I wouldn’t be stuck with him for a third time next year. He didn’t have to worry about that, if I just applied myself some more and stopped goofing off, we wouldn’t have a problem. Honestly, to me the whole tutor thing seemed pretty unnecessary but it wasn’t like I had a choice.

 

I skipped down the hall of some big fancy college building I’d never been in before, scanning the walls for directional signs and asking a few passing kids the way to the library - where the session was supposed to be held. The campus was really pretty, and it had been an exceptionally nice day out, so I was already in higher spirits than usual - which is saying a lot for me.

 

I remember every single millisecond leading up to those library doors. They were sort of heavy, and I had to angle myself to half push them open with my shoulder. The sound of students diligently typing at laptops and thumbing through books was the only real thing you could hear. Everyone was being really quiet. I made a mental note to try and tone down how naturally loud I was, but that was much easier said than done.

 

I’d been told that the tutor would be by the “far window,” but that proved to be a vaguer description than what was necessary. Most of the tables had at least one student at them and any of them could’ve been my recently assigned tutor. My eyes scanned the crowd as I gently shut the door behind me, trying to spot someone who also seemed to be looking around--

 

--and I swear, it was like my heart just stopped when I saw her.

 

It was a girl, wearing a really adorable, faded blue sundress, with captivating blond hair falling around her shoulders. From the distance I was at I could already tell she was probably the prettiest girl I’d ever seen in my life, her face almost not seeming real. Her cheeks were round, her skin flawlessly smooth, her makeup simple and minor but applied with absolute perfection. Her jawline looked like it’d been carved out of stone. Her eyes were big and a gorgeous shade of brown, and her lips had a cupid’s bow that I couldn’t help but stare at.

 

I remember my thought process, too - every detail of it: That can’t be my tutor. No. It’s probably one of those nerdy boys with glasses, they just haven’t noticed me yet-- Every thought I was having and every thought I ever would have seemed to come to a screeching halt when her gaze lifted from her phone she’d held in her hand and briefly looked around the room. It stopped on me. My breath subtly hitched but I couldn’t help it.

 

Smiling slightly - a smile that made my heart do a little dance - she mouthed something that I could just barely read from halfway across the room, “Are you Yerim?”

 

The question confused me. I blinked hard a few times, wondering if I’d dreamt this up or something, but I was not creative enough to imagine a girl this pretty, even in a dream. Oh my God. Was she seriously my tutor?

 

I pointed to myself, looking over my shoulder as if some other girl named Yerim had entered behind me and I hadn’t noticed. There was no one, obviously. Raising an eyebrow I stupidly mouthed back, “Me?” She nodded, seeming amused. Great, I’d already made a total fool of myself.

 

Realizing that she must have been the person I was here to meet, I tried to snap myself out of the daze I was in and made my way over to the table she was sat at. I remember: it was two over from the book section on computer science, and only one table away from very large windows that let in thin rays of sunlight that cut through her hair and illuminated her skin. God it was literally like she was glowing.

 

“Hi!” Oh wow, her voice fit her face. And by that I mean it was somehow so pretty, instantly throwing me further into my state of shock at how effortlessly perfect this girl seemed. My heart was beating way faster than I’d ever felt it beat before and I wondered why. I wondered if that was okay. Was I okay?

 

“Hello!” It wasn’t hard for me to match and even surpass her energy level, that was kinda my thing. Thankfully my personality and optimism were so overwhelming that it more or less shut down the dysfunction I was threatening to slip into from how impossibly breathtaking this girl was.

 

She extended a petite hand toward me and I shook it, hoping she couldn’t feel the way I was trembling slightly. Her skin was soft and I wasn’t even the slightest bit surprised.

 

“I’m Jinsol, your new tutor, but I guess you know that already.” She laughed at herself, shaking her head back and forth. There was a small pile of books next to her on the table, all with gross looking history titles. The absolute last thing I wanted to do with this girl was study for history. I wanted to talk to her, talk about her, find out what she was like. How was I going to do that if all we could talk about was old dead people and things that already happened?
 

Bringing my focus back to her and realizing that we were supposed to be having a conversation, I quickly responded, “I’m Yerim, but I guess you knew that already too.”

 

She nodded, still smiling sweetly at me, “Right... so do you have the books and stuff you need?”

 

I’d gotten so effortlessly caught up in her eyes that it actually took me a few seconds to even process the question, “What? Oh— um, yeah, just a sec.” I slid my backpack off my shoulder and quickly tugged my textbooks from it, placing them onto the table between us. God I really hated this stuff.

 

She turned it to face her and flipped it open, glancing over the table of contents, “Alright, this stuff doesn’t seem too hard.” She seemed to catch herself and started to retract her statement, “I mean, for me - uh, I shouldn’t say that. This can be confusing.” She was trying to be polite in case I was genuinely having a hard time with the material. It was really considerate of her. Wow. This pretty and nice too? There was a fluttering around my chest that I didn’t really recognize, but it was sort of comforting. I liked the feeling.

 

My lips parted to answer, but I hesitated. In reality, I didn’t really need that much help. When I’d first walked in here, I was prepared to be honest with whoever my tutor was and let them know I’d failed because of sheer laziness, not confusion. That’d make their job easier and we may even be able to cut the tutor sessions short. But now? Seeing that my tutor was Jinsol, and knowing that there wouldn’t really be another opportunity to see her and interact with her on a regular basis? I was fine with playing dumb.

 

“Yeah, I’m really bad with history. None of it clicks, it’s sorta frustrating...” I rested my head on my hand, pouting for good measure just to really hammer it home, “I apologize in advance, you’ve sorta got your job cut out for you.” I wasn’t someone who tended to lie. Usually it made me feel guilty, like I’d done something wrong, but for some reason I had absolutely no problem lying about this if it meant I got to spend more time with her. And that was sorta freaky.

 

She waved dismissively at my words, “Don’t even mention it! That’s what I’m here for. No worries, you’ll be a pro at this stuff no time.”

 

We spent the rest of the time actually studying history. It was kinda hard to keep up the ruse, needing to pretend like I was taking in information that I already knew, taking note on things I’d already taken in a notebook I had tucked away in my bag, even throwing in questions I knew the answers to just to make the act more convincing. She was patient and so sincerely trying to help, and she caught me staring at her more than once when I was supposed to be reading, but I played it off as just being confused. God I could seriously stare at her forever. Which also kinda freaked me out.

 

The session ended and she gathered up all her things, getting to her feet, “Well, I hope this helped at least a little. See you Thursday?”

 

I didn’t stand up to see her off because my legs sorta felt like jelly, instead just smiling brightly at her, “Yeah! Sounds great, I can already tell you’re a really good tutor!”

 

Her cheeks flushed slightly with color, “I— uh, thank you! That’s honestly good to hear, I wasn’t sure I’d be any good at this.” She was being modest when she had absolutely every right not to be.

 

I jumped to offer her more compliments because she deserved so many, “I got lucky cuz you’re really sweet too! I was nervous I’d get someone mean who thought I was annoying but you’re so nice!” I shrugged, “I mean you might still think I’m annoying, but you’d never say so!” Sometimes I talked too much for my own good.

 

She laughed lightly and it was the cutest sound I’d ever heard. All I ever wanted to do was make her laugh, “No, oh my gosh, you aren’t annoying! You’re fun, so I think this’ll be fun too.” She lowered her voice as if what she said next was some sort of secret, “I thought this was gonna be a really lame job and I’d get stuck with some delinquent who wouldn’t give me the time of day, but you’re like a ball of sunshine. So I think we both got lucky.” She shot me a wink and my stomach felt like it did a backflip.

 

I couldn’t help but giggle like a schoolgirl, praying that I wasn’t blushing, “Yeah, I guess so!” Her eyes flitted to the clock on the wall and I realized I must’ve been holding her up, “Um, so yeah, I’ll see you on Thursday.” She waved before heading out of the library. I watched her go, feeling dazed.

 

Something was up. I wasn’t sure what it was yet, but boy oh boy had that just... rattled me. It shook me to my core. For the rest of the day, heck, the rest of the week up until our next tutor session, I couldn’t stop thinking about her. It stuck with me. She stuck with me. I replayed the sound of her voice over and over again in my head, saw her bright smile whenever I shut my eyes and did a double take whenever I saw someone blond. It was a bit much, and I knew it was, but it wasn’t something I could control. I just couldn’t.

 

I’d space out for most of the day which wasn’t like me. My friends noticed and wanted answers but for the most part I brushed them off, telling them it was nothing, that I just hadn’t slept well or something along those lines. Most of them bought it, but one definitely hadn’t.

 

It was my friend Heejin. She always saw through me, so I wasn’t too surprised when she did it again. It was during a class I only had with her. She scooted her desk to be next to me when the teacher left the room for something and entered full on interrogation mode.

 

“Okay Yerim, you’re being really weird today.” I could tell from her tone that she wasn’t gonna let this go.

 

Maybe she’d have some answers for me. Maybe she could help - Heejin usually gave good advice, and I trusted her deeply, so even if I accidentally said something I hadn’t meant, she wasn’t going to tell anyone.

 

“I’ve been... feeling different lately.” That was true. I wasn’t sure how else to word it.

 

She raised an eyebrow, scooting her chair closer so that she could lower her voice and I’d still hear, “Different how?”

 

I didn’t like keeping things in, that wasn’t like me either. I was usually open, telling everyone around me my every single thought with almost no filter, but lately I’d been monitoring myself so closely. I didn’t want people to know how I was feeling but I wasn’t even sure why. It didn’t seem right. I should tell her, or at least try to explain. Who knows? Maybe she understood it more than I did.

 

“I... there’s this um... person,” I didn’t want to say the gender and I wasn’t sure why. I just didn’t, “And I just met them. And... I dunno, I think about them a lot? And... whenever they were around I’d get this like... fluttery feeling. I dunno. I’ve never felt this stuff before and I don’t know what it means—“

 

“—You like them.” Heejin interrupted my rambling before it had a chance to get too incoherent.

 

My stomach dropped. Was that true...? Did I like Jinsol? I didn’t even know her really, I’d just seen her and we talked for a bit... but... I dunno, now that Heejin put it in my head, I... it just seemed right? Like it made sense? I had a crush on her. That wasn’t a big deal though right? People had crushes all the time. They didn’t have to mean anything, you didn’t have to tell anyone about them, they didn’t need to change things.

 

Right?

 

“Yeah...” I mumbled under my breath, “Yeah I guess I do.” Something shifted in me and I felt it but didn’t understand it.

 

Heejin spent the rest of the class hounding me, trying to find out who it was. She listed off a bunch of names of people in our grade, boys and girls, and I said no to all of them - silently thankful that she didn’t even know who Jinsol was so she couldn’t guess her. I probably wouldn’t be able to keep a straight face if someone confronted me directly and asked if I liked Jinsol.

 

Our next tutor session happened and the whole time my heart was just soaring. I made a few jokes, wanting nothing more than to hear her laugh again. I spent half the time just rambling about myself and asking her questions - wanting desperately to know even the smallest bit about her. She’d humor me and answer a few of my dozens of inquiries, but would eventually try and get us back on track. I played it off like I was easily distracted - not that I was so genuinely interested in learning anything about her, and she seemed to buy it. I learned that she wasn’t sure what she wanted to do for her career, that her favorite color was blue, that she was good at playing piano, and that she was really bad at anything to do with science. She was humble, modest, clever and kind. She was far from home, living in some small town four hours away. I so badly wanted to tell her that I could show her around, that I knew the city really well, that I could be her friend if she ever felt lonely, but I felt like it’d be out of place. She was my tutor - people weren’t usually friends with their tutors right? That’d be weird, right?

 

I think most of my fear was just paranoia about her seeing through me. Seeing through my attempts at being her friend for what they really were - an infatuation, a crush. And it was only getting more intense with every session, every time she caught my eye, every time my hand accidentally brushed hers when I reached for the page of the textbook, every time she laughed at my own antics and enthusiasm. It was like this tangible thing that I could feel in my chest every time she was around and even when she wasn’t around, and it only got bigger.

 

I’d never experienced anything like this before, I’d never really liked anyone, and I wasn’t sure how to deal with this. I wasn’t sure what I was supposed to do about it, or if I was even supposed to do anything. I wasn’t sure if I should keep it to myself or maybe confide in one of my friends, who I trusted with my life. Sometimes I’d try, even just to mention the crush like it didn’t matter, but the words would get caught in my throat. It was weird. I’d never hesitated to tell them something before, and I’d also never really kept any secrets. It was scary - I didn’t know if I’d be good enough at it, I was always worried it’d slip out somehow.

 

Although I didn’t mention the crush itself, I didn’t hesitate to talk about Jinsol. It was sort of inevitable since she was constantly on my mind. I reigned it in slightly and didn’t go into all the detail I could, just bringing her up in conversation, saying she did a good job helping me understand the material, or re-telling some story or joke she’d told me. Eventually my friends had heard enough about Jinsol to feel like they almost knew her too. One of them - my friend Jungeun, questioned me one day and asked why I never just asked Jinsol to hangout if she was so cool. I didn’t know what to say and I sort of froze up, only to lie and say that she was super busy with school. Jungeun didn’t really care and sort of brushed it off.

 

It must have been our fifth or sixth tutor session when things started to change. I remembered almost every second of this day too.

 

My energy had kicked in full force that day and I just wanted to spend the day outside, skipping around with friends or laying in the grass or having a picnic. The last thing I wanted was to sit through a boring tutor session in a stuffy library, but at least it was with Jinsol. Heck, I’d do anything as long as it was with Jinsol. The light was shining through her hair again, and to prevent myself from staring for too long I forced my gaze to focus on the window over her shoulder.

 

“It’s so nice out, don’t you think?” I asked as she tried to get me to understand a confusing chapter of my textbook. I already knew it, and although I had a quiz the next day and had told her I was nervous (a lie), I just didn’t want to study that day. I wanted to talk with her, hangout with her. Sometimes I got so close to telling her the truth - that I thought she was one of the most effortlessly intriguing people I’d ever met and that she was absolutely gorgeous - that the words would float around the top of my chest and threaten to burst out of me. It was hard to keep them back but I knew it’d be a bad idea.

 

She scoffed slightly, “It’s pretty cloudy, and the wind was blowing my hair into knots.”

 

I waved my hand at her dismissively, trying to spread my optimism onto her, which sometimes worked, “Shush! The blossoms are coming out on the trees - look how pretty!” I pointed to the windows which were partially blocked by the tree’s blossoms. It was actually really beautiful and I knew she couldn’t deny that.

 

Humoring me as per usual, she turned to look, “Alright, that is pretty nice--”

 

“--Will you take my picture??” I blurted out excitedly, knowing that the flowers would be a pretty backdrop. Jinsol rarely ever said no to me if I really wanted something, she was kinda a pushover. If I ever wanted to move and study a different topic, or if I wanted to take a break just to talk about something else, she always let me.

 

She sighed lightly in defeat, “Okay but let’s be quick - we’ve got work to do.” The slightly forced strictness she half-tried to put into her tone was so endearing and adorable I almost blushed. Like she would actually enforce any sort of rules on me, she didn’t have a stern bone in her body.

 

I quickly stood up and tossed her my phone, rushing over to the window, already posing with a peace sign before Jinsol even got out of her chair. She shot me a look that I saw sort of as astonishment. I think sometimes the extent of how energized I was surprised her, even after we’d met up quite a few times. I couldn’t blame her, I was an awful lot to deal with.

 

She my phone and her face scrunched up for a second. For a while she went quiet and didn’t say anything, or do any sort of countdown to show she was taking a picture. I let the weird silence linger for a few seconds, confused, until I finally tried to get attention.

 

“Jinsol??? C’mon, I thought we had work to do?”

 

She blinked hard, as if snapping herself out of something, and unlocked my phone, “Yeah, yep, uh, hold still.” She took a bunch of pictures, and I kept alternating poses, though I was sort of distracted. Why had she been all stuttery? I’d never seen Jinsol get like that before. Was it something about my phone? What was weird about my phone? I didn’t understand so I stopped thinking about it, assuming it wasn’t important.

 

After a minute or so of the photo op, I walked up and took my phone back from her with a smile, “Thank you!! You really are the best tutor!” We went back to our seats but she still seemed slightly off. What was going on? Should I ask? Was that out of line?

 

“Jinsol?” I dare to speak up quietly, but the rest of my questions got stuck in my chest again and wouldn’t come out.

 

Either way I seemed to bring her back to reality again, “What? Oh, uh, right-- let’s get back to it.” She smiled at me but it was forced. Was everything okay?

 

The rest of the session was more or less pretty normal and basic, but she focused more on the actual material and I didn’t try this time to change the topic and make it more fun. My mind was wandering, trying to figure out what was wrong, why she was being strange. Was something going on in her own life? I wanted to know. I wanted her to tell me - I wish that we’d been close enough friends for her to feel like she could tell me. I wanted so many things but I was too scared to ask. I was so scared.

 

Eventually the session ended, and I turned my happy persona back on, though it felt much less genuine than it had when I’d first entered that library, “Oh, it’s 4! I’ve gotta go, my mom’s outside.” I started to pack up my things, humming to myself mindlessly.

 

“Wait, uh--” Her voice instantly caught my attention and I had to actively tone down my reaction, which was to look back at her expectantly. God I hoped I didn’t seem eager, “Um-- Yerim, do you want to maybe grab a coffee sometime?”

 

My heart felt like it was gonna burst out of my chest. Had I heard that wrong?

 

I raised an eyebrow, “Coffee? Oh I definitely shouldn’t drink coffee, I’m hyper enough as it is!” I only realized then how stupid that was. She was asking me to hangout, essentially, and I’d just turned her down. Oh no. Just as I was about to jump and retract the statement I hadn’t at all thought out, she cut me off.

 

“Well it doesn’t have to be coffee, uh, I uh,” She was fumbling so much. I still didn’t understand why, but it was so ridiculously cute, my head was swimming, “There’s a café a street away from campus that I’ve been going to--”

 

My smile widened, already knowing what place she was talking about, “--Oooh, you mean the Roost?” She nodded, “My friend works there!” Jungeun, who I’d mentioned, had been working at the Roost for almost a year at that point.  

 

“Oh? That’s cool, maybe I’ve seen her.” She said it flippantly, like she didn’t really care.

 

My curiosity piqued and I wanted to know if they’d known each other. I loved coincidences, “Probably, she works a lot!” I tugged my phone from my pocket and tapped it to open up my lock screen, flipping it around to show her, “She’s the blond one right next to me.”

 

Something changed behind her eyes that I couldn’t quite read, “Yeah, I think I recognize her!” She paused for a few seconds, seeming to remember the initial question she’d asked me, “So, uh, would you wanna go there sometime? I think you’re really fun, and I don’t want to just be your tutor, it’d be cool to be friends.”

 

Oh my god, I really don’t know how to describe in words how unbelievably happy that made me. I was a pretty happy person, heck, maybe even the happiest person I knew, but at that moment it was like I could never feel so elated ever again. I smiled even wider, almost hurting my own cheeks, not even bothering to hide just how excited and giddy I was because it would’ve been no use.

 

“Of course!! I mean, I already hoped that we were friends, but if you wanna be even better friends then absolutely!” By that point she was standing up, and I was suddenly overcome by so many emotions that I found myself drawn straight to her, throwing my arms around her tightly. She smelt like flowery perfume and her hair was soft. Jeez, I could hear my heartbeat in my ears.

 

She laughed a bit, caught off guard by the sudden affection, but she hugged me back. The gesture was so simple, so small - I’d hugged so many people before in my life, I never would’ve anticipated how many feelings I’d get from just this hug, but god, I almost started shaking. Hopefully she didn’t feel it.

 

“Ok, well that sounds good! I’ll text you.”

 

“You better!” I pulled away as my trembling got more intense, not wanting her to be able to tell how flustered I was. I slid my backpack onto my shoulders, knowing I really did have to leave but desperately not wanting to, “I’ll let you know how I do on that quiz! Bye Jinsol!” I skipped out of the library,  riding on cloud nine, smiling all the way home.

 

We went to the Roost and I introduced her to Jungeun finally, so she could shut up about not ever getting to meet my tutor. They seemed to get along fine, but Jungeun couldn’t talk long since she was working. The dream was to actually integrate Jinsol into my friend group, but that was pretty ambitious. My friends and I were a pretty solid bunch and I’m sure it might’ve been intimidating to anyone trying to join in, but that didn’t mean I wasn’t gonna try.

 

After that, we started to hangout more. Sometimes after tutor sessions we’d go for walks around campus where she’d show me things and talk about how hard some of her classes were. She’d ask about my friends and about how high school was doing, and I’d ramble on for a long time because she made me nervous pretty effortlessly. Sometimes she’d give me this... look that would just make those butterflies in my chest go absolutely crazy, and I don’t know how to describe it because I’m not the best with words, but it always made my knees weak.

 

This crush was getting worse and worse the more I learned about her. It was starting to scare me because it really felt like it wasn’t going away.

 

Eventually we saw each other almost every day, and I was so incredibly happy. Now I felt like I could really call her my friend - she was so much more than just my tutor. Sometimes I’d call her on the phone during breaks between classes, or at lunch, and she always answered and let me talk to her until the bell told me I was late. She’d text me to ask all about my day, and knowing that she was actually interested, that she genuinely wanted to know, made me feel so incredibly special and important.

 

For a few months we actually spent a lot of weekends together too. Usually right after her classes were done she’d tell me to come over to her dorm and we’d hangout in her room, or we’d go on little day trips. One time I stayed over later than I’d expected and she’d told me to spend the night, so we had to share a bed. After struggling for hours to even fall asleep because adrenaline was pumping through me like blood, I woke up before her and her arms were wrapped around my middle, her head nuzzled into my neck. I couldn’t help but blush, and I found myself struggling to even breathe, let alone go back to sleep, even though I stirred awake at 3 AM.

 

There was nothing there, and I knew there was nothing there. Right? She didn’t like me like that, she probably didn’t even like girls. We were friends. She treated me more like a little sister than anything.

 

But I was still hoping. Which made me hate myself for being so stupid, for being naïve, for reading into everything. Every touch meant something, every hesitant response meant something, every cryptic text meant something, every lingering hug meant something. I mean how could it not? How would it be fair for me to have feelings so indescribably strong and real and multifaceted only for them to be not be mutual? That would just be too cruel, right?

 

I was naive. People would tell me that sometimes and I never agreed, thinking I was smarter than they’d say. I wasn’t, though. At least not with this.

 

It was my idea to go to an aquarium one day, when she had some free time from her classes. I’d asked her about it during a tutor session, giddy with excitement, begging her to come with me. She made sure to double check her schedule but we picked a date and made the plan.  

 

When we got a chance to free roam the area instead of following in the shadow of a tour guide, I led her eagerly to an ocean fish exhibit. We stood side by side and I really wanted to hold her hand but I swallowed down the urge. I hadn’t expected her to be nearly as infatuated with the place as I was, but she was absolutely enthralled by it. She’d mentioned before that she really liked fish and had a minor obsession with the ocean, but I’d never actually seen the fascination show through in person. It was so pure and entrancing to see firsthand.

 

She said the view was beautiful, referring to the stillness of the animals and the clear blue water and the multicolored masses of coral. I said she was beautiful, referring to the spark behind her eyes and the unruliness of her hair and the entrancing tone to her voice when she saw something she thought was remarkable. My compliment was idly brushed off with a flippant wave of her hand, dismissing the depth my words had and the sentiment lying unaddressed and festering inside them.

 

I couldn’t tell if she genuinely didn’t notice my feelings or if she chose not to acknowledge them because it might damage our friendship. It wasn’t that I was necessarily being subtle, I didn’t think I was, but I wasn’t telling her either. Maybe she had no idea. Maybe she just thought I was this affectionate and clingy with all my friends, which was sort of true, but there was something different with Jinsol. There was always something different with her. Either way, I just felt as if I was at fault somehow. And that sensation of blame was starting to eat away at me. I hated it, but what could I do?

 

Tell her?

 

I wrote letters. So many freaking letters. Most were incomprehensible babble that I jotted down late at night trying to suppress all of my frustratingly intense emotions. They almost always wound up crumpled in a heap or shoved aggressively into my desk drawer whenever I considered how unlikely it was that she felt the same way, how pitiful this whole thing was if I actually thought about it for too long.

 

One letter actually wound up being pretty well worded and coherent. It sorta startled me once I’d finished. I read it over again and again, still remembering a bit of it; “you don’t understand how I feel about you, you’ll never understand and you’ll never feel the same way, but please prove me wrong and please tell me that you like me that way too.” I didn’t care how desperate it sounded. The more I read it over, the more certain I felt about finally giving it to her. Finally revealing all this.

 

It felt like it weighed five thousand pounds as I carried it in my coat pocket for the day, waiting to place it into her outstretched hand and hold my breath as she read the written definition of my innermost, secret feelings. At the end of our next tutor session I just stared at her, bright smile making her face glow, and tugged it out carefully, feeling weirdly prepared for this moment.

 

But then she smiled, told me she “wished I was her little sister sometimes,” and got up to leave before ruffling the top of my head with her hand to mess up my hair.

 

I ripped the letter up into little tiny pieces and threw them in the trash.

 

She went away for break and she wasn’t there to tutor me anymore. She told me I could call, that I could text whenever, but it felt different. I felt different.

 

I didn’t feel like myself. My chest had this weird hollowness to it, like if you knocked on it you’d hear an echo. I had to force my enthusiasm so my friends wouldn’t notice anything was wrong. I swallowed so much down because I couldn’t say it, couldn’t share it. The feelings had only gotten more intense and even harder to hide during the separation for some incredibly frustrating reason. I needed to tell someone, anyone. It was like it was draining me of my happiness, my positivity that I used to have a surplus of. Now it was scarce. I smiled way less. I rarely laughed. I spent more time by myself instead of constantly being with my friends because I didn’t want them to see, didn’t want them to worry.

 

One night I remember it was the worst. I don’t know why, but I just felt something building up in my chest that I knew was tears. I hadn’t cried in years, I was so unfamiliar with the sensation of this, but I knew it was coming. My eyes burned and my chest got so tight it almost hurt. I was alone, but I didn’t want to be. I wished someone was with me.

 

I called Jungeun, my hand shaking so bad I could barely hold onto my phone. My vision was blurring with oncoming tears and I tried so hard to keep it all in, but I’d done that for too long. It was coming out, one way or another.

 

“Hello...?” Jungeun answered, sounding sleepy. It was almost 1 AM. I hadn’t even noticed, having been too caught up in my own head to care about the time.

 

“I-I’m sorry, did I wake you up?” My voice trembled and broke, I could barely make it loud enough for her to hear. I gently covered my mouth with my hand right as my lip started to quiver. This was bad. Whatever was coming was going to hit me hard and I could feel it, but I was still keeping it down by nothing short of a miracle. It was scaring me.

 

In an instant she took on the role of concerned friend when she heard how off I sounded, “What? Yeah, but, whatever - what’s wrong?”

 

I didn’t know what to say. I didn’t know what to tell her. I considered confessing, just spilling out everything, every secret, every detail, but it all got stuck in my throat again. I couldn’t say it. None of it. I tried so hard. My lips parted and I tried to say something, anything, but only weird little noises came out - broken up parts of words.

 

“I-It’s... I-I...” The tears were getting worse. I was angry at myself for being such a mess, for being so unable to even talk about this without collapsing into hysterics. What was wrong with me? Why couldn’t I just tell her? I trusted Jungeun, I knew she wouldn’t turn me away, I knew she’d want nothing more than to help me, “Jungeun, I-I... god... I...” My chest hurt so badly. It was as if my heart was just... shriveling up.

 

She was at such a loss, her tone shifting as she tried desperately to comfort me, “Hey hey, whoa Yerim, what’s going on? Please talk to me.” I’d never heard her like that. It was endearing that she cared so much. Reassuring. Just what I needed, but for some reason it barely even affected me.

 

The tears started to fall and they wouldn’t stop. I tried to muffle them, no real sobs hitting me yet, but my breaths were only coming in sharp, uneven inhales that made my chest feel like it was caving in, “I can’t. I-I just can’t, I...”

 

I was just the friend. The happy, loud, optimistic friend who was more of a spectacle than anything else. I was fun to be with but I wasn’t fun to be with. Jinsol didn’t think of me like that, there was no way. Why would she? I was some random high schooler who pretended not to understand history just so she would tutor me. That was pathetic. This was pathetic. I knew that, but I couldn’t let it go. I was pathetic.

 

The first sob hit me and it felt like someone punched me in the gut. I doubled over, my legs feeling unstable. Sitting on my bed so I wouldn’t flat out collapse, I held the phone away from me so she couldn’t hear as more just hit me, over and over, harder and harder, tears streaming down my cheeks and never seeming to stop. It was causing me like, actual pain. They hurt. I didn’t know crying could hurt, but I’d also never cried this hard. I hugged myself with one arm, trying to rock myself back and forth and calm down, but nothing was working. I’d never hurt so bad.

 

I could vaguely hear Jungeun’s voice still coming through my phone that I held loosely in my violently trembling hand, “Yerim? Yerim are you there? Are you okay?”

 

I couldn’t answer. Couldn’t talk. The only thing I could manage was to bring the phone slightly closer, just so she could hear me ever so slightly. My sobs were so intense they were the silent kind. She could probably infer what was happening.

 

“Yerim I want to help, but I can’t if I don’t know what’s wrong.” She sounded distraught. I wished more than anything that I could just talk to her like a normal person, but there was no way. Not when I was like this.

 

I pulled the phone closer and managed out a few coherent words, which just formed a slight, quiet plea, “Please stay on the phone with me,” A sob hit me and she must’ve heard, going dead silent, “I don’t want to be alone,” I laid on my side, curling up into a sort of ball, my body being jarred by sobs that made me jolt and tremble.

 

She didn’t hesitate, “Of course. I’m here.”

 

She didn’t pry any further, just stayed there with me as I cried for hours and hours. She didn’t say much, only ever daring to mutter more reassurances that I could barely hear over my own tears. She listened and she was patient, even though it was almost 3 AM by the time I said we should hang up, and I knew she had work the next day. I went to sleep still shivering and sniffling, hugging myself as if that would help somehow. Nothing felt right. I felt empty, like there had never been anything in me and there never would be again.

 

Jinsol texted me the next day. My phone buzzed with her unique text tone and my heart skipped a beat like it always did. I was so stupid.

 

💙😍 Jinsol!! 💙😍: hey yerim! was thinking about you today, been missing you <3 how have things been going in history, and yaknow, life in general? maybe we could talk later and catch up

 

I couldn’t even look at it, at the heart, at the sincerity, at how sweet she was, because my hope was coming back. My stupid, everpresent optimistic hope. I used to like my enthusiasm and positivity. I thought that it made me unique and fun. Now? I hated it. I hated myself for it, because it led me so far down this path which I knew would only result in even more pain.

 

I never did call her. I made up an excuse I don’t remember and she bought it. I spouted off some basic, bland life updates with my usual amount of excessive exclamation points and emojis just so she wouldn’t suspect anything. She didn’t need to know.

 

There was one person I told. Only one.

 

I don’t know why, honestly. I think it was because it had just worn me down emotionally to the point that there was nothing left. No defense mechanisms, no ability to hide, I was just so vulnerable and susceptible to anything, even the slightest bit of prying or curiosity.

 

When Heejin scooted her chair over to me during class the next day and playfully asked how my crush was doing, I started to cry. It was subtle - not nearly as intense as that night. Just a few tears that trailed their way down my cheeks. Heejin panicked, of course, and tugged me to the bathroom where we could actually talk.

 

“What happened??” She double checked the hallway to make sure it was clear and that no other girls were going to come in to interrupt, “Was he mean to you? Was anyone mean to you? I swear to god Hyunjin and I will literally kill them--”

 

“--No.” I explained, my voice sounding so weirdly void of all emotion it was sorta scary. It caught her off guard too, her face falling - the slight glare that she’d worn vanishing in an instant. I smiled bitterly, shaking my head back and forth, “I’m just an idiot. It’s not her fault.”

 

I saw something change behind Heejin’s eyes when I finally said the gender, when I revealed that. Heejin was gay and had a girlfriend, so it wasn’t like that was any sort of game changer. If anything I’m sure she was just upset I hadn’t told her sooner. She reached forward, gently clasping both of my hands right as they started to tremble. I couldn’t even remember the last time I’d felt steady or sturdy. I felt so unstable all the time.

 

She pursed her lips, definitely feeling like she needed to be careful, “...Is she straight?”

 

I shrugged, trying to act indifferent when in truth I couldn’t possibly be more invested in this whole thing, “Dunno. She doesn’t like me, so maybe.” I couldn’t pretend like I was unaffected anymore. As soon as I’d said that out loud, as soon as I’d admitted what I’d only ever thought in my head, it was like... god, I almost fell over. A sob hit me again. My makeup started to run.

 

Heejin gasped in surprise and surged forward, adorably trying to brush my tears away, “Oh, no! Yerim, oh my god don’t cry, shh!” She held me loosely in her arms and I practically collapsed into them, hoping that nobody came in to see this, “Who is she...? Do I know her?” I was reluctant to answer. To finally confess. But it was a less intense reluctance than before. I’d sort of gotten into the mindset of it not mattering because Jinsol wouldn’t care regardless, “I might know if she’s gay or not. I’m good at telling that sort of thing.” It was true, she had amazing gaydar - I’d seen it firsthand.

 

Who knows, maybe she’d gotten vibes from Jinsol? She’d met her before, I’d invited her to my birthday party.

 

Screw it.

 

“Jinsol.” I finally said it and this weight that wasn’t physical but felt so potent just lifted immediately from my shoulders. It was such a relief, but it was conflicting. Now someone finally knew. She knew about my unrequited crush, my deepest and only secret.

 

She nodded in what seemed like understanding, “Makes sense, she’s gorgeous.” I really didn’t need that reminder. Her grip on me tightened for a second, “Honestly Yerim?” She pulled away so our eyes met, mine probably being red and raw from my crying, “She could definitely be gay. At the very least bi.”

 

My heart skipped a beat, “Really?”

 

“Yeah. I got some serious signals,” She reached up and straightened my collar, trying to swipe her thumbs beneath my eyes to help fix my makeup, “In my opinion, you should tell her. You never know until you take a chance.”

 

I scoffed, looking at her like she was joking, but her face was dead serious, “Tell her? Are you kidding?” She shook her head and I only got more confused, “Look, even if I can’t be with her... like that, I still want to be her friend.”

 

“What, you think she’ll end the friendship too if you tell? Is she really the type?” She held up her hands slightly in defense as if she’d overstepped her bounds. I wasn’t sure if she had, “I mean, you know her better than I do.”

 

Jinsol wasn’t the type. She was the nicest person I’d ever met. She was so sincere and caring and empathetic. She wanted nothing but the best for the people around her, including me. Even if it was platonic, she definitely cared about me and valued me. I knew that. For a few fleeting seconds I tried to picture Jinsol rejecting me, being mean to me in any way, telling me that we couldn’t be friends anymore, and it just wasn’t realistic. That would never happen. Heejin was right.

 

“No. She won’t.” I explained, my voice still all distant and detached, like it wasn’t even mine.

 

Heejin smiled, a smile I normally would’ve returned, but it was so hard for me to do that lately, “Then you should tell her! Then you never have to wonder, and the worst that’ll happen is she may be a bit awkward for a short while. Nothing unbearable.”

 

“Nothing unbearable.”

 

I played those words over and over again in my head as I walked toward Jinsol’s dorm, my stomach in knots. She’d only just gotten back from her break that day. In fact, if I timed it right, she was probably still unpacking her stuff from her train ride.

 

I remembered this day too, but for different reasons.

 

It was bright. I felt a slight shred of optimism for the first time in what felt like forever, and it was so comforting and familiar. It cut through the darkness I’d been living in for weeks and actually made me smile, a skip returning to my step and a lightness returning to my chest I’d almost forgotten felt so refreshing. Maybe this would go well. Maybe this would be okay.

 

I picked some flowers I spotted along the way. I didn’t know what kind they were, but they were purple - my favorite color, so I didn’t hesitate to pluck some and tie them together with a hair band I had on my wrist. I’d give them to Jinsol. She’d like them, she was a softie for stuff like that.

 

My heart was beating fast as I headed up the three flights of stairs to her floor, and my fists clenched tightly with each step I took closer to her door. It was closed, and I briefly pressed my ear against it to see if anyone was even home. Maybe I’d timed it wrong? Was she still at the train station? Had she not come home yet?

 

I reached to the doorknob and turned it slightly, daring to gently push the door open as I spoke up, peeking my head inside, “Hellooo--”

 

Then everything just... fell apart.

 

“--oh.”

 

Jinsol was sitting on her bed with a painfully familiar blond on her lap, and they were kissing. They were kissing and it was passionate and just from the brief second I caught, I could see how intense it was and how much meaning was there, how lost they were in one another. My heart snapped. It crumbled and broke and shattered into shards. It hurt. God it hurt.

 

That was Jungeun.

 

I backed up into the hallway until I hit the wall, trying to keep all this in, but it felt like the floor was crumbling away and like I was falling into the nothingness. My grip on the flowers loosened and I almost dropped them. My face turned beet red. My hands shook. I covered my eyes with my hand like a dope, as if that would somehow let me unsee all of that, like that would mean it hadn’t happened.

 

“Um, hey Yerim!” Jinsol stuttered from inside, her voice trembling. She was out of breath. It felt like I was dying.

 

“Uh-- hi?” I didn’t know what to say. I didn’t know what to do. So much was happening, I was so overwhelmed. I chuckled slightly, trying to act normal, not wanting anything to show through.

 

How could I compete with Jungeun? Of course I couldn’t. Of course these two were together. Now that I looked back on it, there had been so many signs. All the looks they shot one another, the way Jungeun talked to her, how Jungeun would ask about her, how Jinsol talked to her for so long at my party the two barely even hung out with the rest of us. It was right in front of my face but I was too dumb to see it. God I was such an idiot.

 

I heard the door push open further and someone step in the doorway, but I couldn’t look. I couldn’t.

 

“Hi!” It was Jinsol. God I’d missed her voice. I’d missed her so much, but I bet I hadn’t even crossed her mind while she was away. Why would I? “It’s uh, it’s good to see you!” She sounded sort of awkward too. She definitely hadn’t expected to get walked in on like that. I should’ve knocked. No, even better, I never should have even gone there in the first place.

 

I my hand forward that still clumsily held the flowers. I just needed to go. I needed to give her these and get away before I totally broke down, although I already felt so horribly broken. I didn’t move my eyes from my hands, that seeming to be the only thing keeping me together, “Sorry, I-I just wanted to surprise you and bring you some flowers I found outside your dorm, I-I thought they were pretty and I really like purple, and I-I wanted to say hi, so, hi!”

 

That was a lie. I’d come there to confess to her, to confess everything. Confess how head over heels I was, how ridiculously in love I was with her. Now there was no point. It was a dumb idea anyway. As always.

 

She took them from my hand and her fingers brushed against mine. My next breath got caught in my throat. I took two steps back. I couldn’t be near her. God did it hurt so bad.

 

“You can look now, Yerim.” Jinsol told me softly, as if she didn’t want to scare me.

 

I was being weird. This was weird. I finally dared to lower my hand from my eyes. Jungeun was hovering behind Jinsol, seeming disheveled and slightly out of breath. I felt so empty. So unbearably empty.

 

“Hey Yerim.” Jungeun greeted me casually with a sigh, blushing slightly too. These two just seemed embarrassed that I’d caught them kissing. They had no idea. Not even the slightest clue how rattled I was, how intensely affected, how upset. And I didn’t want them to know.

 

I didn’t know what to say. I couldn’t talk. Absolutely every ounce of my effort was going into not just collapsing into tears on the floor. I didn’t want them to see that. They didn’t need to. I could tell how happy they were just from looking at them, how elated, how meant for each other they seemed to be. They were content. Why should I ruin that? That wasn’t my place.

 

There had never been a place for me.

 

Jinsol’s roommate started to walk down the hall toward us and talk to Jinsol casually. It was my chance to slip away, a chance I instantly took.

 

“Oops, I forgot-- um-- I’ve actually gotta go! I’ll talk to you later, Jinsol,” My voice broke really noticeably when I said her name but I couldn’t help it. I clenched my fists so tight that my nails almost broke the skin of my palms. I was losing it faster than I thought, and I quickly started to walk off down the hall, adding on softly, “You too, Jungeun.”

 

I rushed out of the building and sat on the nearest bench, expecting tears, expecting another total meltdown, but nothing came. I just sat there, alone, wind blowing through my hair and giving me chills. My face buried itself into my hands.

 

I can’t remember how long I sat there. It must have been hours. By the time I stood up, the sun had set and the stars were out. I hadn’t even noticed.  

 

After that, I distanced myself. On her end, I’m sure it was more of a relief than anything else. For me, though? Trying to dismiss those feelings, which were some of the strongest emotions I’d ever felt in my entire life? It was as if a part of my heart had withered away like a flower’s petal, and simply broken off before drifting into some empty void.

 

I never got that piece of my heart back. And she never knew.

 

A/N:

 

I’M SORRY

I KNOW IT’S SAD

BUT IT’S JUST HOW IT IS OKAY