You screamed with a sore throat when the darkness finally dissolved and your vision was filled with bright colours. The blinding Sun and the sound of birds chirping were the first things that were registered in your mind. Yet, it took you a few moments to realize that there was no bullet digging deep into your bone fracture, no blood pouring out of your soft organs and that your were unmistakably in yet another universe. As you had been drifting away from consciousness due to the immerse pain and bloodlost, somebody - maybe Yoongi - must have pushed the button. By accident or on purpose? Who knows, it didn’t matter now anyway.

“Another nightmare?”

A boy nudged you on the side, but his touch was rather gently over the blanket that had been thrown on your body. As you pushed yourself into a more comfortable position in the backseat of the car, you turned your head towards the voice and when you saw Taehyung, healthy and alive, you almost cried out of relief.

You could only hum as an answer because you didn’t know anything else to say. You had no idea where you were, in which reality you were stuck again in your hopeless pursuit of your boyfriend. But the familiar feeling of leather beneath you and the déjà vu that enveloped your body as you stared outside of the truck’s window, they both strangely reminded you of home.

Did you get back? Have you travelled the whole circle? Was it possible? Or did you mess something up and travelled back in time in your own reality instead of switching universes?

The scenery of the clear blue sea made you nostalgic. The pier, the mole, the scaffolding. It all seemed too familiar. It was where it all had gone really, really wrong. There had been the seven of you, swaying your legs above the water, laughing, joking, pretending to forget about the bad things and Taehyung, the always so kind Taehyung who had stabbed his abusive father nearly to death, he had climbed to the top of that scaffolding too daring for his own good. Jin had been recording it all, thinking it would be nice to look back on your shared memories. Taehyung had smiled down on you and that had been the most scary about it: the way he’d smiled sadly, sorrow written all over his face. And then he had jumped.

He had dived into the cold, almost wintry sea from above and the sound of his body crashing into the water had startled all your shock forms. You still remembered Jin’s muffled crying as he had been driving the passed out boy to the hospital.

“He can’t give up,” he had told you later that night after he had checked on the others. “If he gives up, they all will. One by one, one way or another and I can’t save them all.”

Back then, you hadn’t understood. You’d kept telling him that it hadn’t been his fault but everything had happened the way he predicted: Taehyung’s suicide attempt had been the first domino, a of the wings of a butterfly and it had been only the matter of time: the hurricane had come later.

You still weren’t sure if it had been the broken cracks in all of you overflowed with guilt or had it been the punishment of youth for being wild.

“Come on, all of us are by the sea,” Taehyung playfully pulled the warm blanket away from your slightly shivering body and your eyes snapped up at him.

“Is everybody here? Jin too?” you asked still so hopeful and when Taehyung smiled, this time it was soft and genuine. His eyes were smiling too even though they were covered by his too long black fringe. You didn’t remember if you had ever seen him with black hair before.

“Of course, who else would have driven us here?”

You jumped up from your seat happily, following the giggling boy closer to the shore. You were chasing him, trying to get a grip on his cherry red jacket until your boots hit the rocks of the road. The faint noise of cracking laughs and nonsense talks hit you hard, bringing so much nostalgia you couldn’t help a melancholic smile. Maybe it was a second chance you all deserved.

But then, when you got closer and you only saw five of the boys on the edge of the pier, the blood in your veins froze as cold as Antarctica. It was another remnant of a memory you would have rather forgotten as you saw the oh so kind, cheerful Hoseok waving and Taehyung also raising his chin so that he could see the source of attraction: Jin standing on the top of the scaffolding. A déjà vu, the wrong kind, hit you once again and you had to swallow down a desperate cry. No, he wouldn’t… he wouldn’t repeat the past, right? The Seokjin you knew wouldn’t have done that with his friends.

“Hey, hyung, what are you doing up there?” Namjoon shouted confused and you had your fingers curled into a fist, nails biting into the soft skin of your palm as you tried to reason: he wouldn’t, he wouldn’t…

Jin looked down at you, camera in hand as he recorded the boys’ and your reaction. For a moment he faltered, staring at you, the corners of his mouth turning downwards with heartbreak. Then, he turned towards the sea.

“No, no, no,” you cursed under your breath. There was no way you would watch the same old movie play again. There was no way you would let him slip through your fingertips.

You started running in full speed, lungs burning with every aching breath but you didn’t stop until your fingers hooked around the metal ladder and started climbing. You weren’t even halfway when you heard the splash and your friends’ panicked shouting.

You stopped, just hugging the metal because you couldn’t let go. You simply closed your eyes, rested your forehead against the cold material and the heavy sobs made your body tremble. You couldn’t understand. Why… why did he leave again?

A few of the guys, those who could swim, jumped into the sea without hesitation while you heard others whispering and calling for the ambulance. You didn’t move for a long time because you knew it would be in vain. Your weak body was still shuddering with cries when Taehyung enveloped you in a hug. He whispered it’s going to be okay in your ears like a mantra but you felt like giving up. Why were you losing him all over again? When would all of this end?

The ambulance arrived but it didn’t matter, they didn’t find anything. Other than the fact that Jin drove you all to the beach, there was no evidence, no sign that he was ever there with you. Jungkook only found the damaged camera in the water and he looked like someone who wanted to destroy the precious thing to pieces. He’d never been violent, so the shift, that look on his face scared you.

The guys let you cry yourself to sleep in the back of the truck, one of them gently caressing your hair because they knew you liked it. In your dream you saw memories, both yours and your alter ego’s. It had never been so hard to distinguish the two. You dreamt of coffee dates, Jin reading to you with your head resting on his lap, flour-covered confessions, sickeningly white corridors, visiting Hobi’s dance partner in the hospital and Jimin’s surprise birthday party…

When you blinked awake, vision still blurry with tears, you suddenly didn’t know in which reality you were anymore. You looked for wounds although you found nothing but your blue veins and needle marks on your pale skin. You… you weren’t a drug addict in this life, right?

“Hey, are you okay?” Taehyung came up to you from behind covering your shoulders with a softer blanket. He still wore the same clothes as yesterday. Your throat was too closed up to answer coherently and seemingly realizing that, he sat down beside you on the old, worn mattress. “Stupid question, I know. It feels like a nightmare.”

“Yeah,” you nodded, voice hoarse but neither of you commented on it. Tae wordlessly handed you a bottle of water and you forced yourself to gulp down at least some of it.

From the rooftop you could see the sun rising on the horizon and you wondered why you were here of all places. You didn’t realize you spoke out loud until the boy answered.

“I… we thought it wouldn’t be wise to leave you on your own in Jin’s apartment,” he mumbled, voice cracking. When he mentioned Jin’s name your eyes were b with tears again. Of course, this you also lived with Jin.

The rooftop was almost like a home without ceiling, the roof being the starry night itself. There were mattresses, pillows and blankets, boards games, drinks and food in a freezer bag. It had been your hide-out and ever since Taehyung had run away from home, he had lived  here. He must have been lonely alone, you realized.

When he sneezed, you offered him a tissue and looked at him in concern. He wouldn’t have to be homeless. He could have crashed at Joon, no matter how packed his place was the older would have let him. But Taehyung was too proud and sentimental, he had once claimed that he loved seeing the stars before he falls asleep.

“Thanks,” Tae’s voice was rougher than usual when he took the tissue from your hand and he must have realized this too. “I think I’m coming down with something.”

“You should go see a doctor,” you suggested the most logical thing ever but the boy grimaced bitterly. You needed to do something anyway before you would have gone crazy, so you even offered: “I can go with you if you want.”

“I thought you hated hospitals,” Tae looked at you bewildered but before you could have asked or said anything, digging deep in your memories for a reason, a phone beeped. The boy turned away so he could check it and the smallest of smiles flashed through his handsome face.

“It’s Jimin. He bought food.”

“I’m not hungry,” you shook your head even though your stomach hurt and you hadn’t eaten much ever since you started switching universes. Lucky for you most of your alter egos were capable of feeding themselves properly before you came into the picture. You felt bad for them for messing up their lives but maybe it all would have happened anyway?

Right now, you couldn’t stand the thought of eating. The scene of Jin jumping replayed in your mind without an end. You hated it and didn’t want to think of him that way. Especially that you still had almost half a day stuck in here.

“You have to eat. We can’t let you faint again,” Tae said softly and you raised an eyebrow at him. Again?

But he didn’t elaborate further as he stumbled to his feet and opened the door of the staircase revealing Jimin and Hobi with their arms packed with food. You were grateful that they stayed strong, that Hobi didn’t reached for his pills and you were happy that they took care of each other even in the hardest times but you couldn’t help the soreness of your heart.

In the end, they made you swallow a fried chicken piece by piece but you could barely taste it. All of you was eating in silence, not daring to make a comment on the recent events. If Seokjin had been there, it would have been so much fun. He’d never let a conversation flop during eating. He would have cracked dad jokes until your stomach hurt or Yoongi threatened him to take his food away.

Once all four of you was done with eating and only then you had the courage to voice out the question that had been tearing up your insides.

“I just don’t understand. Why did he do that? Weren’t we happy?” you asked in a shaky, choked voice looking from one boy to another for an answer.

Those first minutes when you’d woken up in this world realizing that everybody was smiling and alive, had made you think of it as perfect. But something was wrong, wasn’t it?

“Oh sweetie, it’s not that,” the guys tried to reassure you, gentle hands your back. “He loved you so much, never doubt that. Actually, I think he couldn’t bear the thought of losing you.”

A snort escaped your mouth.

“Lose me to what?” you asked and Jimin’s eyes mirrored the deep void’s agony itself as he looked back at you.

“Don’t worry. We’ll be there with you till the end,” he patted your shoulder, a familiar touch and it finally brought back the memories you needed.

You remembered an armband around your wrist that said Seoul National Hospital with a really long patient ID and a room number. You remembered heart monitors and CT scanners, long hours spent anxiously waiting. When you had gotten your results, you had broken down crying and there had been this boy with the softest smile who’d hauled you up in his arms. You had been sick with no hope. Your only friends had been a boy suffering from leukaemia and another with munchausen syndrome. Yet, they’d showed you the world, they’d introduced you to their friends… to Seokjin.

“How much time do I have left?” you whispered scratching the needle dots on the soft inside part of your arm that reminded you of infusion bags and horrible hospital food.

Jimin didn’t looked at you weird or pitying. None of them asked how could you not know.

“They told you six months without chemo if you were lucky when we left. Two had already passed.”

“And you?”

“I have a year,” he said with a sad, sad smile and you wanted to scream. Why did good people always have to suffer? (Nobody knew the answer to questions like this.)

Hobi and Jimin spent a few more hours lazily with you talking about anything but your sickness. After they left, it was just you and Tae again lying down and staring at the cloudless blue sky. For a while you scrolled through the pictures on your phone then you napped a bit. The azure skies darkened as the morning bled into afternoon and you still had nothing better to do than stay alive and breathe. No matter how mournful the situation was, the atmosphere almost felt sinisterly calm for a change.

“You know, before he… before he jumped, I felt like I had seen it already,” Taehyung spoke up slowly and thoughtfully all of a sudden. “Like in a dream. It was an odd feeling because in my dream I was the one who jumped,” he muttered but you knew exactly what he was talking about. The universes started to crash together, details spilling from one to another. It wasn’t just you who felt the signs of chaos but everybody.

The movement seemed jerky as you got up when a coughing seizure hit you. It stained your hands with blood and left a metallic taste in your mouth. Your stomach hurt. Wiping your tears, lips still quivering, you took the wet tissue from Taehyung which he took out of your bag.

“Are you going to leave, too?” he asked in a small, miserable voice, deep brown eyes burning holes in your heart.

“I have to,” you nodded, already counting down the minutes.

“Take care,” he told you with all the love a friend - family - can have for another. He reminded you of Jimin in the first universe and you made a vow to pray for them every time you close your eyes.

“You too,” you pulled the tall boy into your arms for a tight hug and took a sniff of his cinnamon scent. “And take care of them, please.”

Taehyung looked at you as if he was on the verge of crying when he let you go and it only made you quicken your steps. Pulling the rooftop door closed behind you, you leaned against the wall sliding down to the cold tiles and you let yourself a moment more to sob, to mourn this life, too.

When the watch on your arm hit the twenty-four mark, you took a deep breath and pushed the forthbutton hoping for the best.