Three

IRENE HELD HER BREATH, AND with tears in her eyes and a pounding heart, she read the familiar handwriting knowing that the person who had sat down to write to her would never be able to do so again. She ran her fingers over her words knowing that the last person to have touched the page was Seulgi

My Irene,

I don't know where you are or when exactly you are reading this. I just hope that my letter has found you safe and healthy. You whispered to me not long ago that you couldn't go on alone.

You can, Irene.

You are strong and brave and you can get through this. We shared some beautiful times together and you made my life . . . you made my life. I have no regrets. Remember our wonderful memories, but please don't be afraid to make some more.

Thank you for doing me the honor of being my wife. For everything, I am eternally grateful. Whenever you need me, know that I am with you.

And know that whenever I am, I’m missing you.

Love forever

Your wife and best friend, Seulgi.

PS, I promised a list, so here it is. The following envelopes must be opened exactly when labeled and must be obeyed. And remember, I'm looking out for you, so I will know . . .

Irene broke down, sadness sweeping over her. Yet she felt relief at the same time; relief that Seulgi would somehow continue to be with her for another little while. She leafed through the small white envelopes and searched through the months. It was April now. She had missed March, and so she delicately picked out that envelope. She opened it slowly, wanting to savor every moment. Inside was a small card with Seulgi's handwriting on it. It read:

Save yourself the bruises and buy yourself a bedside lamp!

PS, I love you . . .

Her tears turned to laughter as she realized her Seulgi was back!

Irene read and reread the letter over and over in an attempt to summon Seulgi back to life again. Eventually, when she could no longer see the words through her tears, she looked out to the sea. She had always found the sea so calming, and even as a child she would run across the road to the beach if she was upset and needed to think. Her parents knew that when she went missing from the house they would find her here by the sea.

She closed her eyes and breathed in and out along with the gentle sighing of the waves. It was as though the sea were taking big deep breaths, pulling the water in while it inhaled and pushing it all back up onto the sand as it exhaled. She continued to breathe along with it and felt her pulse rate slow down as she became calmer. She thought about how she used to lie by Seulgi's side during her final days and listen to the sound of her breathing. She had been terrified to leave Seulgi to answer the door, to fix her some food or to go to the toilet, just in case that was the time she chose to leave her. When she would return to her bedside she would sit frozen in a terrified silence while she listened for her breathing and watched Seulgi’s chest for any movement.

But she always managed to hang on. She had baffled the doctors with her strength and determination to live; Seulgi wasn't prepared to go without a fight. Seulgi kept her good humor right up until the end. She was so weak and her voice so quiet, but Irene had learned to understand her new language as a mother does her babbling child just learning to talk. They would giggle together late into the night, and other nights they would hold each other and cry. Irene remained strong for Seulgi throughout, as her new job was to be there for her whenever Seulgi needed her. Looking back on it, she knew that she needed Seulgi more than she needed her. She needed to be needed so she could feel she wasn't just idly standing by, utterly helpless.

On the second of February at four o'clock in the morning, Irene held Seulgi's hand tightly and smiled at her encouragingly as she took her last breath and closed her eyes. She didn't want Seulgi to be afraid, and she didn't want Seulgi to feel that she was afraid, because at that moment she wasn't. She had felt relief, relief that her pain was gone, and relief that she had been there with Seulgi to witness the peace of her passing. She felt relieved to have known her, to love her and to be loved by her, and relief that the last thing she saw was her face smiling down on her, encouraging her and assuring her it was OK to let go.

The days after that were a blur to her now. She had occupied herself by making the funeral arrangements and by meeting and greeting her relatives and old school friends that she hadn't seen for years. She had remained so solid and calm through it all because she felt that she could finally think clearly. She was just thankful that after months her suffering was over. It didn't occur to her to feel the anger or bitterness that she felt now for the life that had been taken away from her. That feeling didn't arrive until she went to collect her wife's death certificate.

And that feeling made a grand appearance.

As she sat in the crowded waiting room of her local health clinic waiting for her number to be called, she wondered why on earth Seulgi's number had been called so early in her life. She sat sandwiched between a young couple and an elderly couple. The picture of what she and Seulgi had once been and a glimpse of the future that could have been. And it all just seemed unfair. She felt squashed between the shoulders of her past and her lost future, and she felt suffocated. She realized she shouldn't have had to be there.

None of her friends had to be there.

None of her family had to be there.

In fact, the majority of the population of the world didn't have to be in the position she was in right now.

It didn't seem fair.

Because it just wasn't fair.

After presenting the official proof of her wife's death to bank managers and insurance companies, as if the look on her face weren't enough proof, Irene returned home to her nest and locked herself away from the rest of the world, which contained hundreds of memories of the life she had once had. The life she had been very happy with. So why had she been given another one, and a far worse one at that?

That was two months ago and she hadn't left the house until today. And what a welcome she had been given, she thought, smiling down at the envelopes.

Seulgi was back.

Irene could hardly contain her excitement as she furiously dialed Joy's number with trembling hands. After reaching a few wrong numbers she eventually calmed herself and concentrated on dialing the correct number.

“Joy!” she squealed as soon as the phone was picked up. “You'll never guess what! Oh my God, I can't believe it!”

“Eh no . . . it's Moonbyul, but I'll get her for you now.” A very worried Moonbyul rushed off to get Joy.

“What, what, what?” panted a very out-of-breath Joy. “What's wrong? Are you OK?”

“Yes I'm fine!” Irene giggled hysterically, not knowing whether to laugh or cry and suddenly forgetting how to structure a sentence.

Moonbyul watched as Joy sat down at her kitchen table looking very confused while she tried with all her strength to make sense of the rambling Irene on the other end. It was something about Mrs. Bae giving Irene a brown envelope with a bedside lamp in it. It was all very worrying.

“Stop!” shouted Joy, much to Irene and Moonbyul's surprise. “I cannot understand a word you are saying, so please,” Joy spoke very slowly, “slow down, take a deep breath and start from the very beginning, preferably using words from the English language.”

Suddenly she heard quiet sobs from the other end.

“Oh, Joy,” Irene's words were quiet and broken, “she wrote me a list. Seulgi wrote me a list.” Joy froze in her chair while she digested this information.

Moonbyul watched her wife's eyes widen and she quickly pulled out a chair and sat next to her and shoved her head toward the telephone so she could hear what was going on.

“OK, Irene, I want you to get over here as quickly but as safely as you can.” She paused again and swatted Moonbyul's head away as if she were a fly so she could concentrate on what she had just heard. “This is . . . great news?”

Moonbyul stood up from the table insulted and began to pace the kitchen floor trying to guess what it could be.

“Oh it is, Joy,” sobbed Irene. “It really is.”

“OK, make your way over here now and we can talk about it.”

“OK.”

Joy hung up the phone and sat in silence.

“What? What is it?” demanded Moonbyul, unable to bear being left out of this obviously serious event.

“Oh sorry, love. Irene's on the way over. She . . . em . . . she said that, eh . . .”

“What? For Christ's sake?”

“She said that Seulgi wrote her a list.”

Moonbyul stared at her, studied her face and tried to decide if she was serious. Joy's worried brown eyes stared back at her and she realized she was. She joined her at the table and they both sat in silence and stared at the wall, lost in thought.

"Wow", was all Joy and Moonbyul could say as the three of them sat around the kitchen table in silence staring at the contents of the package that Irene had emptied as evidence. Conversation between them had been minimal for the last few minutes as they all tried to decide how they felt. It went something like this:

“But how did she manage to . . .”

“But why didn't we notice her . . . well . . . God.”

“When do you think she . . . well, I suppose she was on her own sometimes . . .”

Irene and Joy just sat looking at each other while Moonbyul stuttered and stammered her way through trying to figure out just when, where and how her terminally ill friend had managed to carry out this idea all alone without anyone finding out.

“Wow,” she eventually repeated after coming to the conclusion that Seulgi had done just that. She had carried it out alone.

“I know,” Irene agreed. “So the two of you had absolutely no idea then?”

“Well, I don't know about you, Irene, but it's pretty clear to me that Moonbyul wasn't the mastermind behind all of this,” Joy said sarcastically.

“Ha-ha,” Moonbyul replied dryly. “Well, she kept her word anyway, didn't she?” Moonbyul looked to both of the girls with a smile on her face.

“She sure did,” Irene said quietly.

“Are you OK, Irene? I mean, how do you feel about all this, it must be . . . weird,” asked Joy again, clearly concerned.

“I feel fine.” Irene was thoughtful. “Actually I think it's the best thing that could have happened right now! It's funny, though, how amazed we all are considering how much we all went on about this list. I mean, I should have been expecting it.”

“Yeah, but we never expected any of us to ever do it!” said Moonbyul.

“But why not?” questioned Irene. “This was the whole reason for it in the first place! To be able to help your loved ones after you go.”

“I think Seulgi was the only one who took it really seriously.”

“Joy, Seulgi is the only one of us who is gone, who knows how seriously anyone else would have taken it?”

There was a silence.

“Well, let's study this more closely then,” perked up Moonbyul, suddenly starting to enjoy herself. “There's how many envelopes?”

“Em . . . there's ten,” counted Joy, joining in with the spirit of their new task.

“OK, so what months are there?” Moonbyul asked. Irene sorted through the pile.

“There's March, which is the lamp one I already opened, April, May, June, July, August, September, October, November and December.”

“So there's a message for every month left in the year,” Joy said slowly, lost in thought. They were all thinking the same thing, Seulgi had planned this knowing she wouldn't live past February. They all took a moment to ponder this, and eventually Irene looked around at her friends with happiness. Whatever Seulgi had in store for her was going to be interesting, but she had already succeeded in making her feel almost normal again. While she was laughing with Moonbyul and Joy as they guessed what the envelopes contained, it was as though she were still with them.

“Hold on!” Moonbyul exclaimed very seriously.

“What?”

Moonbyul's eyes twinkled. “It's April now and you haven't opened it yet.”

“Oh, I forgot about that! Oh no, should I do it now?”

“Go on,” encouraged Joy.

Irene picked up the envelope and slowly began to open it. There were only eight more to open after this and she wanted to treasure every second before it became another memory. She pulled out the little card.

A Disco Diva must always look her best. Go shopping for an outfit, as you'll need it for next month!

PS, I love you . . .

“Ooooh,” Moonbyul and Joy sang with excitement, “she's getting cryptic!”

another big and fast update, but don't get used to...as i'll be very busy for the next days, in the meantime...enjoy :D