TWO

IRENE WAS WALKING THROUGH AN entire field of pretty tiger lilies; the wind was blowing gently, causing the silky petals to tickle the tips of her fingers as she pushed through the long strands of bright green grass. The ground felt soft and bouncy beneath her bare feet, and her body felt so light she almost seemed to be floating just above the surface of the spongy earth. All around her birds whistled their happy tune as they went about their business. The sun was so bright in the cloudless sky she had to shield her eyes, and with each brush of wind that passed her face, the sweet scent of the tiger lilies filled her nostrils. She felt so . . . happy, so free. A feeling that was alien to her these days.

Suddenly the sky darkened as her Caribbean sun disappeared behind a looming gray cloud. The wind picked up and the air chilled. Around her all the petals of her tiger lilies were racing through the air wildly, blurring her vision. The once spongy ground was replaced with sharp-pebbled stones that cut and scraped her feet with every step. The birds had stopped singing and instead perched on their branches and stared. Something was wrong and she felt afraid. Ahead of her in the distance a gray stone was visible amid the tall grass. She wanted to run back to her pretty flowers, but she needed to find out what was ahead.

As she crept closer she heard Bang! Bang! Bang! She quickened her pace and raced over the sharp stones and jagged-edged grass that tore at her arms and legs. She collapsed to her knees in front of the gray slab and let out a scream of pain as she realized what it was. Seulgi's grave. Bang! Bang! Bang! Seulgi was trying to get out! She was calling her name; she could hear Seulgi!

Irene jumped from her sleep to a loud banging on the door. “Irene! Irene! I know you're there! Please let me in!” Bang! Bang! Bang! Confused and half asleep, Irene made her way to the doorto find a frantic-looking Joy.

“Christ! What were you doing? I've been banging on the door for ages!” Irene looked around outside, still not fully alert. It was bright and slightly chilly, must be morning.

“Well, aren't you going to let me in?”

“Yeah, Joy, sorry, I was just dozing on the couch.”

“God, you look terrible, Rene.” Joy studied her face before giving her a big hug.

“Wow, thanks.” Irene rolled her eyes and turned to shut the door. Joy was never one to beat around the bush, but that's why she loved her so much, for her honesty. That's also why Irene hadn't been around to see Joy for the past month. She didn't want to hear the truth. She didn't want to hear that she had to get on with her life; she just wanted . . . oh, she didn't know what she wanted. She was happy being miserable. It somehow felt right.

“God, it's so stuffy in here, when's the last time you opened a window?” Joy marched around the house opening windows and picking up empty cups and plates. She brought them into the kitchen, where she placed them in the dishwasher and then proceeded to tidy up.

“Oh, you don't have to do it, Joy,” Irene protested weakly. “I'll do it . . .”

“When? Next year? I don't want you slumming it while the rest of us pretend not to notice. Why don't you go upstairs and shower and we'll have a cup of tea when you come down.”

A shower. When was the last time she had even washed? Joy was right, she must have looked disgusting with her greasy hair and dark roots and dirty robe. Seulgi's robe. But that was something she never intended to wash. She wanted it exactly as Seulgi had left it. Unfortunately, Seulgi’s smell was beginning to fade, replaced by the unmistakable stink of her own skin.

“OK, but there's no milk. I haven't got around to . . .” Irene felt embarrassed by her lack of care for the house and for herself. There was no way she was letting Joy look inside that fridge or Joy would definitely have her committed.

“Ta-da!” Joy sang, holding up a bag Irene hadn't noticed her carry in. “Don't worry, I took care of that. By the looks of it, you haven't eaten in weeks.”

“Thanks, Joy.” A lump formed in and tears welled in her eyes. Her friend was being so good to her.

“Hold it! There will be no tears today! Just fun and laughter and general happiness, my dear friend. Now shower, quick!”

Irene felt almost human when she came back downstairs. She was dressed in a blue tracksuit and had allowed her long blond (and brown at the roots) hair to fall down on her shoulders. All the windows downstairs were wide open and the cool breeze rushed through Irene's head. It felt as though it were eliminating all her bad thoughts and fears. She laughed at the possibility of her mother being right after all. Irene snapped out of her trance and gasped as she looked around the house. She couldn't have been any longer than half an hour, but Joy had tidied and polished, vacuumed and plumped, washed and sprayed air freshener in every room. She followed the noise she could hear to the kitchen, where Joy was scrubbing the hobs. The counters were gleaming; the silver taps and draining board at the sink area were sparkling.

“Joy, you absolute angel! I can't believe you did all this! And in such a short space of time!”

“Ha! You were gone for over an hour. I was beginning to think you'd fallen down the plughole. You would and all, the size of you.” She looked Irene up and down.

An hour? Once again Irene's daydreaming had taken over her mind.

“OK, so I just bought some vegetables and fruit, there's cheese and yogurts in there, and milk of course. I don't know where you keep the pasta and tinned foods so I just put them over there. Oh, and there's a few microwave dinners in the freezer. That should do you for a while, but by the looks of you it'll last you the year. How much weight have you lost?”

Irene looked down at her body; her tracksuit was sagging at the bum and the waist tie was pulled to its tightest, yet still drooped to her hips. She hadn't noticed the weight loss at all. She was brought back to reality by Joy's voice again. “There's a few biscuits there to go with your tea. Jammy Dodgers, your favorite.”

That did it. This was all too much for Irene. The Jammy Dodgers were the icing on the cake. She felt the tears start to run down her face. “Oh, Joy,” she wailed, “thank you so much. You've been so good to me and I've been such a horrible, horrible of a friend.” She sat at the table and grabbed Joy's hand. “I don't know what I'd do without you.” Joy sat opposite her in silence, allowing her to continue. This is what Irene had been dreading, breaking down in front of people at every possible occasion. But she didn't feel embarrassed. Joy was just patiently sipping her tea and holding her hand as if it were normal. Eventually the tears stopped falling. “Thanks.”

“I'm your best friend, Rene. If I don't help you, then who will?” Joy said, squeezing her hand and giving her an encouraging smile.

“Suppose I should be helping myself.”

“Nah!” Joy spat, waving her hand dismissively. “Whenever you're ready. Don't mind all those people who say that you should be back to normal in a month or two. Grieving is all part of helping yourself anyway.”

She always said the right things.

“Yeah, well, I've been doing a lot of that anyway. I'm all grieved out.”

“You can't be!” said Joy, mock disgusted. “And only two months after your wife is cold in her grave.”

“Oh, stop! There'll be plenty of that from people, won't there?”

“Probably, but screw them. There are worse sins in the world than learning to be happy again.” “Suppose.”

“Promise me you'll eat.” “Promise.”

“Thanks for coming round, Joy, I really enjoyed the chat,” Irene said, gratefully hugging her friend, who had taken the day off work to be with her. “I feel a lot better already.”

“You know it's good to be around people, Rene. Friends and family can help you. Well, actually on second thought, maybe not your family,” she joked, “but at least the rest of us can.”

“Oh, I know, I realize that now. I just thought I could handle it on my own–but I can't.”

“Promise me you'll call around. Or at least get out of the house once in a while?” “Promise.” Irene rolled her eyes. “You're beginning to sound like my mom.”

“Oh, we're all just looking out for you. OK, see you soon,” Joy said, kissing her on the cheek. “And eat!” she added, poking her in the ribs.

Irene waved to Joy as she pulled away in her car. It was nearly dark. They had spent the day laughing and joking about old times, then crying, followed by some more laughing, then more crying again. Joy gave her perspective, too. Irene hadn't even thought about the fact that Joy and Moonbyul had lost their best friend, that her parents had lost their daughter-in-law and Seulgi's parents had lost their only daughter. She had just been so busy thinking about herself. It had been good being around the living again instead of moping around with the ghostesss of her past. Tomorrow was a new day and she intended to begin it by collecting that envelope.

Irene started her friday morning well by getting up early. However, although she had gone to bed full of optimism and excited about the prospects that lay ahead of her, she was struck afresh by the harsh reality of how difficult every moment would be. Once again she awoke to a silent house in an empty bed, but there was one small breakthrough. For the first time in over two months, she had woken up without the aid of a telephone call. She adjusted her mind, as she did every morning, to the fact that the dreams of Seulgi and her being together that had lived in her mind for the past ten hours were just that–dreams.

She showered and dressed comfortably in her favorite blue jeans, trainers and a baby pink T-shirt. Joy had been right about her weight, her once tight jeans were just about staying up with the aid of a belt. She made a face at her reflection in the mirror. She looked ugly. She had black circles under her eyes, her lips were chapped and chewed on and her hair was a disaster. First thing to do was to go down to her local hairdresser's and pray they could squeeze her in.

“Jesus, Irene!” her hairdresser Heechul exclaimed. “Would ya look at the state of ya! People make way! Make way! I have a woman here in a critical condition!” He winked at her and proceeded to push people from his path. He pulled out the chair for her and pushed her into it.

“Thanks, Heechul. I feel really attractive now,” Irene muttered, trying to hide her beetroot-colored face.

“Well don't, 'cos you're in bits. Sandra, mix me up the usual; Colin, get the foil; Tania, get me my little bag of tricks from upstairs, oh and tell Paul not to bother getting his lunch, he's doing my twelve o'clock.” Heechul ordered everyone around, his hands flailing wildly as though he were about to perform emergency surgery. Perhaps he was.

“Oh sorry, Heechul, I didn't mean to mess up your day.”

“Of course you did, love, why else would you come rushing in here at lunchtime on a Friday without an appointment. To help world peace?”

Irene guiltily bit her lip.

“Ah, but I wouldn't do it for anyone else but you, love.” “Thanks.”

“How have you been?” He rested his skinny little behind on the counter facing Irene. Heechul must have been fifty years old, yet his skin was so flawless and his hair, of course, so perfect that he didn't look a day over thirty-five. His honey-colored hair matched his honey-colored skin, and he always dressed perfectly. He was enough to make a woman feel like crap.

“Terrible.”

“Yeah, you look it.” “Thanks.”

“Ah well, at least by the time you walk out of here you'll have one thing sorted. I do hair, not hearts.”

Irene smiled gratefully at his odd little way of showing he understood.

“But Jesus, Irene, when you were coming in the front door did you see the word 'magician' or 'hairdresser' on the front of the salon? You should have seen the state of the woman who came in here today. Mutton dressed as lamb. Not far off sixty, I'd say. Handed me a magazine with Jennifer Aniston on the cover.

“ 'I want to look like that,' she says.”

Irene laughed at his impression. He had the facial expression and the hand movements all going at the same time.

“ 'Jesus,' I say, 'I'm a hairdresser not a plastic surgeon. The only way you'll look like that is if you cut out the picture and staple it to your head.' ”

“No! Heechul, you didn't tell her that!” Irene's mouth dropped in surprise.

“Of course I did! The woman needed to be told, sure wasn't I helping her? Swanning in here dressed like a teenager. The state of her!”

“But what did she say!” Irene wiped the tears of laughter from her eyes. She hadn't laughed like that for months.

“I flicked the pages of the mag for her and came across a lovely picture of Joan Collins. Told her it was right up her street. She seemed happy enough with that.”

“Heechul, she was probably too terrified to tell you she hated it!”

“Ah, who cares, I have enough friends.” “Don't know why,” Irene laughed.

“Don't move,” Heechul ordered. Suddenly he had become awfully serious, and his lips were pursed together in concentration as he separated Irene's hair to get it ready for coloring. That was enough to send Irene into stitches again.

“Ah, come on, Irene,” Heechul said with exasperation.

“I can't help it, you got me started and now I can't stop!” Heechul stopped what he was doing and watched her with amusement.

“I always thought you were for the madhouse. No one ever listens to me.”

She laughed even harder.

“Oh, I'm sorry. I don't know what's wrong with me, I just can't stop laughing.” Irene's stomach ached from laughing so hard, and she was aware of all the curious glances she was attracting but she just couldn't help it. It was as if all the missed laughs from the past couple of months were tumbling out at once.

Heechul stopped working and made his way back round to the mirror, where he propped himself back on the counter and watched her. “You don't need to apologize, Irene, laugh all you like, you know they say laughing is good for the heart.”

“Oh, I haven't laughed like this for ages,” she giggled.

“Well, you haven't had much to laugh about, I suppose,” he smiled sadly. Heechul loved Seulgi, too. They had teased each other whenever they met, but they both knew it was all in fun and were very fond of each other. Heechul snapped himself out of his thoughts, tousled Irene's hair playfully and planted a kiss on the top of her head. “But you'll be all right, Irene Bae,” he assured her.

“Thanks, Heechul,” she said, calming herself down, touched by his concern. He went back to work on her hair, putting on his funny little concentrating face. Irene giggled again.

“Oh, you laugh now, Irene, but wait till I accidentally give you a stripy head of color. We'll see who's laughing then.”

Irene bounced out of the salon with delight. Without Seulgi's presence beside her, a few men looked her way, something that was alien to her and made her feel uncomfortable, so she ran to the safety of her car and prepared herself for her parents' house. So far today was going well. It had been a good move to visit Heechul.

She pulled up to the curb outside her parents' house in Portmarnock and took a deep breath. To her mother's surprise Irene had called her first thing in the morning to arrange a time to meet up. It was three-thirty now, and Irene sat outside in the car with butterflies in her tummy. Apart from the visits her parents had paid to her over the past two months, Irene had barely spent any proper time with her family. She didn't want all the attention directed at her; she didn't want the intrusive questions about how she was feeling and what she was going to do next being fired at her all day. However, it was time to put that fear aside. They were her family.

Her parents' house was situated directly across the road from Portmarnock beach, the blue flag bearing testament to its cleanliness. She parked the car and stared across the road to the sea. She had lived here from the day she was born till the day she moved out to live with Seulgi. She had loved waking up to the sound of the sea lapping against the rocks and the excited call of the seagulls. It was wonderful having the beach as your front garden, especially during the summer. Joy had lived around the corner, and on the hottest days of the year the girls would venture across the road in their summer's best and keep an eye out for the best-looking girls. Irene and Joy were the complete opposite of each other. Joy with her long black hair and huge chest. Irene with her brown and well big enough chest. Joy would be loud, shouting to the girls and calling them over. Irene would just stay quiet and flirt with her eyes, fixing them on her favorite girl and not moving them till she noticed. Irene and Joy really hadn't changed all that much since.

She didn't intend to stay long, just to have a little chat and collect the envelope that she had decided could possibly be from Seulgi. She was tired of punishing herself about what could be inside it, so she was determined to end her silent torture of herself. She took a deep breath, rang the doorbell and placed a smile on her face for all to see.

“Hi, love! Come in, come in!” said her mother with the welcoming, loving face that Irene just wanted to kiss every time she saw her.

“Hi, Mum. How are you?” Irene stepped into the house and was comforted by the familiar smell of home. “You on your own?”

“Yes, your father's out with Baekhyun buying paint for his room.”

“Don't tell me you and Dad are still paying for everything for him?”

“Well, your father might be, but I'm certainly not. He's working nights now so at least he has a bit of pocket money these days. Although we don't see a penny of it being spent on anything for here.” She chuckled and brought Irene to the kitchen, where she put the kettle on.

Baekhyun was Irene's youngest brother and the baby of the family, so her mum and dad still felt like they had to spoil him. If you could see their “baby”: Baekhyun was a twenty-two-year-old child studying film production at college and constantly had a video camera in his hand.

“What job has he got now?”

Her mother rolled her eyes to heaven. “He's joined some band. The ic Fish, I think they call themselves, or something like that. I'm sick to death of hearing about it, Irene. If he goes on one more time about who was there at their gigs promising to sign them up and how famous they're going to be, I'll go mad.”

“Ah, poor, Baek, don't worry, he'll eventually find something.”

“I know, and it's funny, because of all you darling children, he's the least I worry about. He'll find his way.”

They brought their mugs into the sitting room and settled down in front of the television. “You look great, love, I love the hair. Do you think Heechul would ever do mine for me, or am I too old for his styles?”

“Well, as long as you don't want Jennifer Aniston's hairstyle, you'll have no problems.” Irene explained the story about the woman in the salon and they both rolled around laughing.

“Well, I don't want the Joan Collins look, so I'll just stay clear of him.”

“That might be wise.”

“Any luck with a job yet?” Her mother's voice was casual but Irene could tell she was just dying to know.

“No, not yet, Mum. To be honest I haven't even started looking; I don't quite know what I want to do.”

“You're right,” her mother nodded. “Take your time and think about what you like, or else you'll end up rushing into a job you hate, like the last time.” Irene was surprised to hear this. Although her family had always been supportive of her over the years, she found herself moved by the abundance of their love.

The last job Irene had had was working as a secretary for an unforgiving little slimeball in a solicitor's office. She had been forced to leave her job when the little creep failed to understand that she needed time off work to be with her dying wife. Now she had to go looking for a new one. For a new job, that is. At the moment it seemed unimaginable to go to work in the morning.

Irene and her mother relaxed, falling in and out of conversation for a few hours until Irene finally built up the courage to ask for the envelope.

“Oh, of course, love, I completely forgot about it. I hope it's nothing important, it's been there for a long time.”

“I'll find out soon enough.”

They said their good-byes and Irene couldn't get out of the house quickly enough.

Perching herself on the grass overlooking the golden sand and sea, Irene ran her hands over the envelope. Her mother hadn't described it very well, for it was not an envelope at all but a thick brown package. The address had been typed onto a sticker so she couldn't even guess the origin. And above the address were two words thick and bold

THE LIST.

Her stomach did a little dance. If it wasn't from Seulgi, then Irene had to finally accept the fact that she was gone, gone completely from her life, and she had to start thinking about existing without her. If it was from Seulgi she would be faced with the same future but at least she could hold on to a fresh memory. A memory that would have to last her a lifetime.

Her trembling fingers gently tore at the seal of the package. She turned it upside down and shook the contents out. Out fell ten separate tiny little envelopes, the kind you would expect to find on a bouquet of flowers, each with a different month written on them. Her heart missed a few beats as she saw the familiar handwriting on a loose page underneath the pile of envelopes.

It was from Seulgi.

big update :D hope you all enjoy.