Authors Notes:

This chapter is REALLY REALLY
Do not have high expectations going into this lol, I needed a transition chapter before I continue Zhangjun's quest for love lol
I didn't proofread this at all, so I might go back and make corrections later
WARNINGS: (highlight to read) Instances and mentions of abuse (neglect, emotional abuse, and slight physical abuse). If that makes you uncomfortable, you could message me on twitter (@meiyouzhangjing) and I can explain to you what happened in the chapter!

Yanjun felt like a burden is entire childhood. The man never knew his father, since he left them soon after Yanjun was born, so it was left up to Yanjun’s mother to take care of him. They didn’t have much money; his mother never went to college and didn’t work when she and Yanjun’s father were dating. She had trouble keeping a job since she had to juggle her schedule with taking care of a child. Eventually, she found work at a corner store and worked there for a good length of time, often taking evening and night shifts.

The woman often complained about how much energy and money it took to take care of him, so Yanjun tried his best not to ask for much. Still, he was a kid, so he didn’t really understand. He remembers wanting this new robot toy, since every other boy in his grade had one. For months, he saved up the little coins he found littered everywhere. Since he usually didn’t have his mom around to tell him what to do, he would often spend hours outside searching for fallen change on the road and sidewalks. By August, he’d finally saved up enough to afford about half.

“Mom, can I please get this for my birthday?” the ten year-old asks her, pointing to an advertisement in a magazine she picked up at the doctor’s office. “I already have ten dollars, so I can pay for half. Pleeease,” Yanjun juts out his lower lip, looking at his mother desperately. “You want me to buy you that, huh? When I still have bills to pay, you want me worrying about some stupid toy?” The woman scolds while snatching the coin-filled plastic bag from her son. “Mom, please. All of my friends have one,” Yanjun tries to argue back, feeling frustrated that all of his hard effort was being ignored.

Tears prick at Yanjun’s eyes after he feels the harsh sting on his cheek. His mom had hit him before, but never this hard. Knowing that anything he says from now on will only anger her further, Yanjun bites his lip and looks down, afraid of making the situation worse. “I can not believe you. After all I’ve done for you to send you to school and put food on the table. Never in my life have I met such an ungrateful little brat. If I ever hear you ask for something like that again, you’ll be in huge trouble. Do you understand?” The woman gets close to his face. Yanjun isn’t looking, but he can tell her skin is red and her jaw is tense. That’s how she always looked when she got like this. When Yanjun doesn’t respond, the woman shakes him by the arm. “I said, do you understand?” she breathes through her teeth, making sure to pronounce each and every syllable clearly. Yanjun quickly nods, cheeks wet with tears of shame and disappointment.

There was a phase where Yanjun tried his best to do well in school. The kid though that if he succeeded, then his mom would be proud enough to finally pay more attention to him. The two really didn’t talk much. Yanjun usually cooked dinner for himself and ate meals alone in his room to avoid bothering his mother after work (he really didn’t want to do anything to irritate her). All of this avoidance while quietly studying in his room led up to this point. At the age of thirteen, Yanjun was all smiles as he walked home, a thick piece of paper clutched in his hand. Everyone was supposed to return with their signed report cards the next day as proof that they showed them to their parents. For the first time, Yanjun was happy to show his performance to his mother. The young teen had somehow managed to get four A’s, two B’s, and two C’s. Every report card prior had contained at least one D, if not more.

Unfortunately, it seems his hopes were much too high. Yanjun receives no reaction whatsoever when he sets the paper on the table in front of his mom while she’s watching TV. “Hey mom,” Yanjun decides it might be better to place it directly in her hands along with a pen, “look we got out report cards today.” The woman scans over the page for a total of two seconds before glancing over at Yajun, who’s wearing a hopeful expression. “What are you looking at me like that for? Am I supposed to be impressed?” she tosses the paper to the side and returns her attention back to the TV.

Yanjun’s chest feels tight as he picks up the paper and leaves to go to his room. He wondered if he’d ever find a way to make his mother happy.

The lack of attention he got at home meant that Yanjun had to find it elsewhere. Beginning in his freshman year of high school, Yanjun started to act out. His actions ranged anywhere from annoying his teachers, skipping school, or flirting with the girls in his class. Eventually, he built up a reputation for being one of the “bad boys”. Naturally, he made friends with the other kids who misbehaved. This spiraled into plummeting grades, a smoking addiction, getting drunk at his friends’ houses and later at his own home.

Of course, his mother didn’t care. When he returned from school one evening, nose bloody and lip cut from fighting, she merely glanced over at him before finishing her dinner. He wasn’t expecting sympathy, but he at least thought she might scream at him for a bit or punish him like moms were supposed to do. Had her expectations for him shrunk so low that she wasn’t even surprised at this point? Sighing, Yanjun turned back around and headed back outside. There wasn’t any reason for him to be home anymore.

When Yanjun seemed like he was going to flunk out his senior year, one of his teachers referred him to a tutor. At this point, Yanjun didn’t really care about raising his grades. He was pretty certain he’d end up failing either way. However, he knew that if he didn’t accept the tutoring, his teacher would want to talk to his mother and Yanjun really didn’t want to have to deal with her screaming at him about how much of an embarrassment he is. At least, this is what Yanjun tells himself. He’s honestly reluctant to meet with the tutor because deep down, he was always afraid of looking stupid and disappointing people. While he was pretty used to it at this point, Yanjun really hated the looks of disapproval all of the teachers and “smart kids” sent him every time he misbehaved or failed a test. He assumes this kid will be no different. Every one of these nerds thought that they were better than him and it really pissed him off.

They meet in the library. Yanjun didn’t want to go outside the school for tutoring because he doesn’t want his friends to see him. They mean well, but Yanjun gets annoyed whenever they about these kinds of things. To his friends and the rest of the student body, Yanjun was that cool rebel that didn’t care about school, so when he looked like he was putting forth any effort at all, he would get mocked for at least a week.

Yanjun doesn’t look up from his math homework when his tutor enters the room. Apparently his name is You Zhangjing. He moved here from Malaysia last year and he’s one of the top students in their class. Yanjun hadn’t heard much aside from that. They didn’t have any classes together and the only reason that he knew what the student looked like is because he received an award at school assembly two months ago.

“Hi,” the student says quietly, still standing by the doorway as he waits for Yanjun to recognize his existence. Yanjun finally glances at the man, feeling a little put off by the sweet smile on his lips. How could someone look so excited to tutor? Maybe he just really likes math or something Yanjun thinks as he awkwardly greets him with a wave of his hand. “You’re Lin Yanjun, right? My name is You Zhangjing. It’s nice to meet you,” the boy says as he takes a seat next to him, already fishing through his backpack for a notebook. “I know,” Yanjun intends for the reply to sound rude (he didn’t want to make friends with this kid), but it comes out gentle and shy. Cursing himself on the inside, Yanjun pushes his paper towards the other man. “This is what I have so far,” he explains, trying to ignore how clammy his hands are getting. “Okay, awesome. Let me just go through this real quick and we’ll figure out what the problem is,” Zhangjing grins, which causes Yanjun’s insides to do weird things. “Oh, and don’t be so nervous. I won’t bite,” the other adds, which makes Yanjun feel flustered. This kid really isn’t helping him maintain his cool image.

Yanjun gets all ten of the problems he’s completed wrong. Everytime Zhangjing makes a correction, Yanjun wants to sink further and further into the ground. When Zhangjing sends him a sheepish smile after crossing out yet another answer, Yanjun snaps his pencil in half and flings it at the wall. “This is stupid,” he growls, folding his arms over his chest and slumping in his seat. The other man looks alarmed, probably not used to seeing these kinds of outbursts from his fellow students. “Please keep trying. You have to pass this class to meet the standards of a lot of universities,” Zhangjing explains carefully, fishing a new pencil from his backpack. Yanjun scoffs and rolls his eyes. “What?” the tutor asks, furrowing his brows in confusion. “Are you kidding? I’m not going to college,” he says it like it should be obvious because to Yanjun it is. Zhangjing parts his lips in shock and blinks quickly, not knowing what to say. His parents would kill him if he didn’t continue his education after graduating.

“What? Why not?” Zhangjing is much more interested in this now, the homework momentarily forgotten. “School is stupid,” Yanjun gives the answer he gives everyone else, hoping it would satisfy the other man. Most people didn’t really expect him to go to college in the first place anyway. “That’s a terrible excuse,” Zhangjing replies stubbornly, which surprises Yanjun a bit. No one had really been brave enough to challenge him on this before. “What’s the real reason?” Zhangjing prods, turning towards him after pushing the homework off to the side. Yanjun really doesn’t want to answer this honestly. He feels embarrassed, but he won’t admit that out loud. Yanjun turns his head away and scoffs, trying to hide the nervous look in his eyes.

“It’s okay,” Zhangjing is as perceptive as he his studious, gently rubbing Yanjun’s back. Yanjun feels his heart warm at the simple gesture. It’s then that he realizes he hasn’t had a hug from someone in months and his body was desperately craving affection. “Um,” Yanjun doesn’t know why he’s telling Zhangjing this. It’s not like he’d feel obligated to explain himself to anyone else, so what makes Zhangjing any different? “I can’t afford it,” he eventually spits out, cheeks starting to warm. No one really knew about Yanjun’s financial status and he really liked to keep it that way, but Zhangjing doesn’t seem like the type to gossip, so he lets his guard down for a moment.

“You can’t let that stop you from getting an education Yanjun. Take out some loans and start working now. It’ll be difficult, but you can do it! My cousin was in a similar situation and she got through it!” the tutor offers him an encouraging smile and it makes Yanjun feel a bit better. Still, a simple smile isn’t enough to make him think unrealistically. “It’ll be a waste of money and effort,” Yanjun quickly turns the idea down, shaking his head. “If I’m failing my classes now, what makes you think I’ll do any better in college? There’s no way I’d be able to graduate. I’m too stupid,” Yanjun doesn’t realize he’s getting choked up until he reaches the end of his sentence, throat feeling tight.

Zhangjing senses that this is a sensitive issue and gently grabs his hand. “You’re not stupid, you just need help. It’s okay to ask for help,” Zhangjing explains, but Yanjun thinks he doesn’t understand. Yanjun has been self-sufficient his entire life (except for the financial help from his mom). Asking for help is what weak people do. Yanjun is perfectly capable with taking care of himself. When he doesn’t reply, Zhangjing gives his hand a squeeze, “Even the best of us ask for it. I’m smart, but I didn’t get good grades on my own, you know.” Deciding that wasn’t enough to encourage him, Zhangjing takes him into his arms and rubs his back, “You’re not a bad kid, Yanjun. I think you just need some direction. I believe in you.” It sounds corny, but it’s enough to make Yanjun cry in front of another person for the first time in years.