Jiyong leaned against one of the four concrete walls of a dark room which is dimly illuminated only by the light coming from the screen of his phone but he can vividly see through the darkness as his eyes had already adjusted to it. He let out a sigh, its of something either defeat or melancholy, there are tears streaming down along the said man's beautiful face but he didnt bother wipe it off as he's unconcsious of it, his body had gone completely numb of everything as sadness slowly engulfs his whole entity. 

With shaking hands, he reached to his side for a metallic blade that he have always been keeping and on his arms, memories of his pain and struggles are messily carved, people call it insanity but he thinks of those scars as something that keeps him sane. Just like him. He thought. 

---

"Hyung, its okay. I'm here" the owner of the voice pulled Jiyong's limp and scrawny figure into his arms, enveloping the man in a warm hug as he found him curled into a ball in the corner of their dorm's bathroom, there are tears all over his hyung's face, the droplets of the salty liquid racing their way down the man's face but there arent any sobs nor wails, Jiyong looks completely... lifeless, and he couldnt do anything but to hold him closer, as his body told him to, hoping that maybe, the simple gesture will calm the storm he knew was clouding his hyung's mind. 

"Seungri-ah" the mentioned person flinched at how the older called his name, its not like he doesnt like hearing his name from him, he likes- he loves it, especially when the voice that called his name is laced with love, and affection, especially when that voice is laced with adoration. But that's not the case right now, the voice he loved hearing doesnt posses any of those feelings that makes his heart flip or his cheeks blush, it doesnt posses anything that paints smile on the maknae's lips, instead, it posses something that made the younger's eyes prickle with unshed tears, it posses something that tugs on his heart- no, its an understatement, that voice brought him the feeling of a thousand needles peircing through his heart that makes his chest tighten. What is that? Is it sadness that he hears from the older's voice? No. It sounded like death. 

And Seungri realized death doesnt always mean the end of one's life, the death of a physical body. It could also mean the end of one's feelings, to be burried in an endless depth of nothingness, the death of one's emotions. Numbness. 

"I'd save you, hyung" I'd save you from that death, I'll bring you back to life. Its an unsaid promise, a promise that doesnt need to be enunciated as he knew the older understands, he always does. 

"But Seungri-ah" Jiyong started, and the younger slightly pulled away from the hug to look at his hyung's face and the hollow eyes that greeted his vision finally, made the tears he'd been holding in release like a broken dam. He trapped the inside of his cheeks in between his teeth to prevent the sobs that was trying to escape past his lips. The once lively orbs he adored turned into a void of nothing and it breaks his heart. No, he couldnt cry, he needs to be strong, for his hyung. His hyung needs him. So he held his sobs and listened to the older. "No one can save me, not even myself" and alas, the strength he built and thought that could be a pillar of hope for his hyung broke, and there's nothing left in him but his shredded heart, pain and vulnerability. He drew his hyung back into his arms and wailed. He wailed like a child that was left by his mom, he wailed like a man that lost the love of his life. 

"No hyung" he sobbed against the man's neck where he buried his face into, holding onto his hyung like his life depended on it "I'll be your anchor" anchor? Yes, even if he needs to drown. 

---

The memory brought a sad smile to Jiyong's lips, Seungri promised to save him and, he did. The maknae surely is a man of his words, the leader chuckled at the thought. 

"Ah, it felt like it was just yesterday" 

---

It was one of those nights. Where Jiyong feels everything all at once and he doesnt know whether its worse than the feeling of nothing. Either way, both are completely terrifying. One leaves his soul empty and the other drives him insane. 

Make it stop, please. Somebody make it stop

His chest tightens as his heart clenches, his eyes reddens from all the crying he'd been doing and inside of his head is nothing but a chaos, chaos of thoughts that haunts him and he wants it to stop, he wants all of those thoughts away. Disappointed eyes, symphatetic smiles, loathing expressions, images of people he failed flashes right before his eyes.

"Hyung"

And along those images, a familliar face emerges, it posses the smile that calms the storm inside his head, it appeared like a sun which brings the light that seeped through the dark clouds and he felt... warm, he felt a sudden peace from the war he'd been facing. 

"Hyung I'm here" the younger again wrapped his loving arms around the older and Jiyong never felt more safe. 

Eversince Seungri found Jiyong lost himself, he never left his side, he walked by him as he travels the journey into fixation along with uncertainity, little by little, the younger reminds Jiyong of the emotions that was long gone, like he's handing him all the pieces he once lost as if Seungri had always kept it with him, waiting til Jiyong is ready to accept them again and patch them all together. 

Seungri nuzzled against the leader's back, whispering comforting words into the latter's ears like a lullaby until it drifted him off to sleep. 

---

To Jiyong, Seungri became a knight in shining armor that saves him from his demons everytime they try to conquer the man's mind. He reminds of him rainbow after a storm, the day after a night, that even after the reign of darkness, thunder and rain, the light will emerge. And the light reminds him of happiness and Seungri is his light. Seungri is his happiness. But isn't light can be blinding? 

Yes, it turned Jiyong blind. 

---

"Seungri-ah? Seungri answer me" Jiyong lightly shaked the younger's body in attempt to wake the said man from his slumber. He looked so peaceful like this. Jiyong thought to himself. He looks like an angel. 

"Jiyong"

Jiyong didnt bother budge at the mention of his name coming from one of the corner of his shared room with the maknae, its Youngbae and he sounded worried, why? 

"Jiyong, he's-" Now its Seunghyun's voice and he's words were cut off by the blaring siren of an incoming ambulance, why? And then comes the men dressed in simillar clothes, paramedics? why?

"Sir, we need to take him to the hospital"

Why?

He turned his gaze back to Seungri's sleeping face and he noticed how the younger's lips turned pale, how his body suddenly felt cold, how there are blood all over their shared bed coming from the maknae's wrist along with some other old scars. And the realization washed over him like a cold bucket of water. The memory came flashing back to him.

Seungri, why?

----

It turned Jiyong blind, from how Seungri's eyes slowly turns into that void of nothingness Jiyong once had, it turned Jiyong blind from how there are stains of dried tears on the younger's face when he wakes up, it turned Jiyong blind from the unexplainable blood left on their sheets. It turned Jiyong blind from everything, that one day, he disappeared right before his eyes. 

"Seungri-ah, why?" He kept asking himself. After the incident, the members moved out of the dorm, even him, but he doesnt know how he found himself here in the room he used to share with his maknae, he found himself in the same bed where Seungri took his last breath. Jiyong nuzzled against the sheets, drowning himself with the scent the maknae left on it, its the only part of the maknae left alive and he cried against those sheets as if he hasnt cried enough for the past few weeks. 

It will never be enough. 

He always thought of Seungri as his anchor that keeps him from drifting away. But it never came to his mind that:

anchors needed to drown first. 

And Jiyong, once again lost himself.