Episode 1

introductions

 

‘Welcome to . . . the Sahara! Home of the Saharan Silver Ant, Sand Viper, Deathstalker Scorpion - and nine regular dudes?’

*camera zooms around desert to see red, barren landscape*

    ‘Nine normal strangers - but can they work together to survive two weeks in their harsh environment?’

 

Let’s meet the cast!

 

*Cameraman focuses on man with a can of pringles in front of sand dunes*

Cameraman: Can you tell me about yourself?

Xiumin: I’m Xiumin. I don’t really know how I got here in the first place. *puts on sunglasses and fans self*

Cameraman: Can you tell me a little bit of how you’re feeling at the moment?

Xiumin: Eh, well *notices something behind the cameraman* CHEN GET AWAY FROM MY STASH *runs out of frame* *sounds of crunching and screaming*

Cameramen: *look at each other in confusion* Cut? Cut?

 

*Frames focus in on tall man with big grin*

Chanyeol: Hi! I’m Chanyeol, I’m 25, and I like to cook outdoors.

Cameraman: And how do you feel now that you know that you have to spend two weeks in the Sahara with eight strangers?

Chanyeol: Well I wanted to make a good first impression so I made burgers for everyone, including the staff! *pulls coat open to reveal rack of steaming meat*

Cameraman: I’m vegan.

 

*Camera zooms on geared man squatted around a kindle of sticks*

Cameraman: Hey Kai can you tell us about yourself right now?

Kai: *deadpans at camera and holds up a lighter* I’m Kai and I like to hunt. I usually call myself the Knife Master.

Cameraman: O-okay-

Kai: These losers don’t know what they’re doing right now. The first step in surviving in a foreign area is to build a fire. I’m not sure the others are prepared to drink their own urine because I’ve been preparing for this challenge for a month. *attempts to light fire but sticks blow away*

Cameraman: So, uh I see that you mainly talk to the other cast member, Kyungsoo -

Kai: He’s the only one I trust out here . . . *stares at lighter and brings it closer to face*

 

*Man with dimples appears*

Cameraman: Hi Yixing! How are you feeling?

Yixing: Pretty great, man, thanks for asking! I brought a scorpion for you! It stung me on the wrist but here - *scorpion appears in hand*

Cameraman: YIXING PUT IT DOWN NOW

Yixing: *passes out*

Cameraman: MEDIC

 

Cameraman: so our next contestant is Chen! *Chen sorting through things on the sand* How you doing, buddy?

Chen: *pulls up a bucket hat and Cheetos* hehehe

Sehun: *Sehun stands up from foldable chair* chEN YOU THIEF GIVE THEM BACK-

Chen: *grabs items and flees* *sounds of pursuit and screams*

Cameraman: Cut!

 

Cameraman: contestant #6 is Sehun. Hi Se-

Sehun: *applies sunscreen to nose* I’m just lettin’ y’all know, that motherer Chen over there is a thief. A goddamn thief I tell ya. *camera zooms in to where Chen is snatching something out of Kai’s bag*

Sehun: *stares into camera* in told you so.

 

Cameraman: Suho! Can you tell me about yourself?

Suho: *pulls out books from backpack* Did you know that you’re supposed to pee in a ring around your shelter to protect yourself from predators? I read it here. *points to page* I was in boy scouts for 11 years, you know. My motto is ‘always be prepared.’ I brought extra oranges and crackers for everyone here. Would you like one?

Cameraman: I’m good thanks. Cut.

 

*Man rolls out yoga mat*

Cameraman: Baekhyun! Just in time! Do you have a moment-

Baekhyun: Can you just hold on a second there, bro. I need time to connect with the spirits of the desert right now. You know, to focus my energy for the two weeks ahead. *tree pose*

Cameraman: why did I choose this jo-

 

Cameraman: Kyungsoo please tell us about yourself.

Kyungsoo: The winds of the desert howl my name, the sun beats at my back and feet. The sand tells me all y'all are idiots.

Cameraman: Fair enough. *turns to staff* THAT’S A WRAP!

 

Next time on

Exo Reality TV - Sahara

 

Kai: I killed this for you. *drops dead rabbit at Kyungsoo’s feet* I hope you like it.

Kyungsoo: . . . *coughs*

 

*Two men sitting under umbrellas*

Sehun: And I was just like, Why didn’t you tell me we were going to the pharmacy? She could have told me beforehand like-

Xiumin: Ugh totally *notices camera and stands up* You guys can’t like, be here-

Sehun: Oh my god! Get away before I shove my hotdogs up your- *screen goes black*

 

*Chanyeol and Baekhyun laughing together*

Baekhyun: I didn’t know you cooked *touches Chanyeol’s chest*

Chanyeol: Oh yeah Baek, all day, all night-

Chen: AH MAH GOD GET A ROOM YOU TWO

 

Suho: *rapid breathing and fanning self* My blood sugar is, is dipping, and my breathing is just crazy right now, I’m just, not quite sure I can go on the remaining days out here-

Cameraman: we’ve been here five hours.