(Daddy!

He’s falling. The pavement is rushing up towards him without stopping and he shuts his eyes before it makes impact. His arms hit the ground first, then his knees, and there’s burning, stinging pain everywhere. His skin feels like he’s being eaten alive by millions of fire ants. Beside him his bike lies on its side, its wheels still spinning in the sun.

Daddy!

He can’t see through his tears but someone scoops him up and holds him close, lets him cry against the warm, broad chest that smells of spearmint gum and soap. A gentle breath blows on the cuts on his knees and elbows. Through his sobbing, he can hear the smile in his father’s voice.

Shh. Shhh. You’re all right. That wasn’t so bad, right? You were able to go quite far.

You let me go, Daddy!

His father laughs, his chest a rumbling cavern by Eric’s ear. I was right behind you. Look at how far you got though without me. You got so much farther.

I don’t want to go far. I only want to be with you.

The hug wraps around him tighter.

I’m always right behind you. Shhh, it’s all right, Eric. You’re all right. I’ve got you now. You’re all right.)

--

“There you are.”

Hyori’s voice shatters the silence Eric has enrobed himself in. He turns his head and sees as she shimmies expertly out through the open hallway window the same way he had onto the roof, the same way they’ve always done it, as kids and then as teenagers. Within seconds, she’s sat on the tiles and slowly inching herself towards the spot where he is. “I was looking everywhere for you. Was afraid you’d left.”

Eric snorts softly, although there’s no humor in it. “And risk Mom’s wrath? No thanks, I’d rather stay living.”

“Where is she then?” Hyori asks, her tone implying that she isn’t asking about their mother. “God, it’s freezing out here, Eric.”

He ignores his sister’s comment on the temperature, given that he has other things occupying his mind at the moment. The reminder about that night’s events, however, makes Eric’s fingers twitch. He’s longing for another cigarette, but he’s already had at least ten in the past six hours and he figures if he wanted to kill himself there are quicker ways of doing it. “My room. For the night at least.”
 

Hyori gapes at him. ““For real? Jesus Christ, you should apply for sainthood.”

Eric snaps his head at his twin. “Hyori. Back off, okay? It’s not like this entire week hasn’t been enough.” He wants to add that it’s also 2 in the ing morning and they’re on the roof half-freezing in their pajamas like a bunch of runaways. He hasn’t had a decent night’s sleep since he’s got to Rye and it’s starting to drive him a little crazy.

“Hey, I’m sorry, okay?” Hyori raises her hands in mock surrender before crossing her arms to tuck her hands under her armpits. Their breaths rise as clouds over their heads before disappearing into the boundless darkness. “You’re not the only one in shock. We were all pretty floored when Hyunjin suddenly appeared.”

Eric wants to say that no one else could have been as shocked as he was, especially after what had transpired that afternoon in the confines of the car he had borrowed from his mother, but he keeps his silence. He can still remember the way Hyunjin’s eyes had burned into his as they had gazed at each other for the first time in weeks, and the consequent guilt and shame that had filled him and had left him feeling vulnerable when it shouldn’t have. Hyesung had stood behind him, equally tense and silent, but it was his hand Eric had wanted to hold for comfort, not his wife’s.

“You’re obviously not okay.”

Eric nudges a loose stone off the roof with the toe of his slipper. It falls, nearly weightless, into the rosebushes below. He doesn’t acknowledge or decline Hyori’s statement.

“We’re all worried about you. Hell, I’m worried, which is saying a lot.”

He exhales noisily. “Yeah, well, you don’t have to be. I’m fine.”

“Eric…”

“Just leave it, Hyori, okay? I’m fine. I just need to clear my head, is all. You’re free to get off my case anytime.”

“Eric.” Hyori says, her tone shifting into obvious frustration. “Stop, all right? Cut the bull. You can lie to everyone else but don’t think for one second that you’re able to pull the wool over my eyes. It’s me, okay?” She edges closer, ensuring to get in on his personal space. “It’s me…

…It’s me, says Hyori when they’re four and she’s demanding to be let into the Boys Only clubhouse he and Minwoo have set up in the backyard, and eventually earns the sole girl membership;

It’s me, says Hyori when they’re ten and Eric has been sent upstairs without any dinner for fighting bullies in school and she brings him a snack pack and a banana on the sly, along with a note that tells him he did the right thing;

It’s me, says Hyori when they’re sixteen and Eric is broken after Hyesung leaves without looking back, refusing to leave his room apart from going to school, and falling into a silence that has both their parents worried, and only Hyori is allowed in; Hyori who has always seen through him but has never judged him; Hyori who, even from birth, has always been two steps ahead but has always held out her hand for him to hold, just to ensure he doesn’t get lost.

Hyori, who now sits with him and stays even when he tries to push her away because she knows he really doesn’t want her to go…

“Hyukkie,” his sister says, voice soft as she reverts to the childhood nickname only she is allowed to use. She tugs at the ends of his hair, the bangs now growing long and falling into his eyes. “C’mon, it’s just us and the sleeping universe. Your turn to tell the good, the bad, and the ugly. Spill your guts out.”

Eric releases a shuddering breath, feels as air trapped inside his lungs shakes free like an injured bird about to take flight. He pulls his legs closer to his chest as the full recall of Hyunjin’s surprise arrival and what had happened after hits him with unrelenting force--

Omonim!

Hyunjin bawls as she sits in front of all of them at the breakfast table. Her face contorts into an unappealing mess as tears run like rivers down her cheeks. Eric isn’t sure whether to feel appalled or concerned. She covers her face with her hands as her body judders in time with her sobs. The sunlight catches on the wedding ring that she is still wearing on her finger.

Omonim, it’s my fault. It’s my fault.

Hyunjin. Eric feels as though he’s watching a car crash in slow motion, where disaster is inevitable but you’re stuck and waiting to feel every single, torturous, pain-filled sensation that will accompany it. Stop. Let’s step outside and we’ll talk…

Hyunjin pulls away from his touch as if it burns her. Her eyes are a maelstrom of emotions. No! Can’t you see I’m really trying here?

Hyunjin!

His mother looks from Hyunjin to Eric with a vaguely confused expression. What’s your fault, Hyunjin? It’s all right if you had missed the funeral. Eric had mentioned your schedule was fully booked…

A fresh wave of hysterics overcomes Hyunjin as she seems to realize the main purpose of their being gathered at all. She wilts against her chair, urging Dongwan, who is nearest, to steady her by placing a hand on her shoulder.

I didn’t even know Abeonim had died and I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.

Eric catches as his mother’s lips twitch but succeeds at keeping the rest of her expression passive. The next words come out lined with steel, all traces of their previous softness gone: Child, what exactly are you apologizing for?

Hyunjin visibly gulps, her hands wringing empty air.

We’re divorcing, omonim. And it’s my fault and Eric’s right and even if we had lost the baby, I should have tried harder and I shouldn’t have been such a fool.

The floor seems to disappear from beneath his feet as Hyunjin’s words fly from . He sees as several pairs of eyes slowly turn towards him, all of them near-identical expressions of concern, shock, and pity. Eric can feel his face turning white.

Hyunjin!

I was such a fool but I love your son so much and I want to try again.

Teary eyes turn to Eric and his chest aches when he sees in them the woman he had once loved and shared a life with, but who had, with one swift blow, irreparably broken his heart and spirit.

Please let me try again…

“I could have forgiven her, maybe, eventually…” Eric says as he curls in on himself, physically, mentally, emotionally. “But to have used the baby…”

“How far along was she when you guys lost it?” Hyori’s tone is careful, so careful, like a warm gust of wind against sheet ice. She places a hand on his knee, attempts to give him belated comfort. He shivers against her touch.

“Three months. We did everything by the book but we still lost it.” Eric runs a hand through his hair and tries to crack a smile at his sister despite him feeling like his whole being is tearing itself into two. “I don’t even know if Tony knew before they started going behind my back…”

“Hold the up. Tony?” Hyori sits up and stares at him, wide-eyed. “Tony ing Ahn? The one I met at the studio tour when I came over? Your friend?”

Eric winces at the label, lets out a hollow laugh at how true it is. Was. He remembers how easily Tony’s nose gave way under his fist, how his blood spattered like paint against their marble-patterned wallpaper and the framed wedding photo that sat on their bedside table. Eric shudders at the thought that he would have killed him straightaway if he had had any weapons in the house, and only Hyunjin’s pitiful crying was what had stopped him from committing first-degree murder using the nearest blunt object he could lay his hands on.

“A couple of months,” he says, not even realizing right away that he’s saying it out loud. “Shortly after we’d lost the baby.”

“What the hell—!” Hyori looks absolutely livid as she glances at Eric’s darkened window, several feet away from where they sit. She turns back to him, fuming. “When you arrived here alone I’d thought you guys were just having a small lover’s spat, not anything this big. Eric, why didn’t you tell us? You could have told us!”

“Ree, we’re here for Dad, not me,” he says, keeping his gaze low to avoid the hurt he can see being reflected in her eyes. “And I really didn’t want to bother anyone about it. It just…happened.” He talks about it now the same way he would have talked about a wildfire that had hit their county, or an earthquake that had rocked half the city last year and had destroyed billions of dollars’ worth of property: affected but with just the right amount of detachment, as though he’s seeing it from miles away.

“It doesn’t matter, you doofus. Ugh. You’re such a martyr. I could hate you right now but you’re too pitiful at the moment so I won’t.” She mutters under her breath. “‘Just happened’, my foot.”

A smile ghosts against his lips. “Thanks. That makes me feel so much better.”

“Seriously.” Hyori drapes an arm over him, a familiar gesture despite the comical effect it may have given their size difference. “After all that, you still let her stay with us? Junghyuk, you are one goddamn saint.”

“I reserved a hotel room for her starting tomorrow so you don’t have to worry about that,” Eric says, leaning into his sister’s warmth. He feels as Hyori plays with his hair, a longtime habit of hers. He closes his eyes as he savors the sensation of being physically close to his twin, something he had missed but will never admit to out loud. “I’m so ing tired.”

Hyori snorts. “Yeah, I would be too if I spent all my time caring about other people’s feelings than my own.”

“Knock it off, Ree.”

“Just saying it like it is, brother.”

Eric sighs. “I did love her. Very much.”

“No you didn’t.”

“Oh?” He straightens so he’s looking at his sister in the eyes. She stares back at him, dead serious. Hyori was never one to withhold her true sentiments from him. “I thought you liked her.”

Hyori waves him off. “It’s got nothing to do with me liking her or not. I mean, I don’t like her now at all after what you’ve told me, but that doesn’t really matter.”

“What do you mean, then?”

“Eric,” Hyori sighs, “if you really did love her like you said, especially after you’d lost the baby, don’t you think you would have noticed sooner that she had been cheating on you? They were able to do months before you caught on.”

How he had ‘caught on’ was actually catching them in flagrante delicto when Eric came home early to surprise Hyunjin as an early birthday present. Thinking about it now still makes him want to raze his own home to the ground, starting with the bed he had caught his wife and his friend in. Hyori’s truth falls into place like a missing puzzle piece, and although it’s hard to swallow, it’s still a relief to hear.

“You’re right. You’re right, of course.”

He wipes a hand across his face and is surprised to see that it comes back wet. Hyori nonchalantly rubs her sleeve against his cheek.

“You can cry if you want to, you know. It’s just us.” She says, her voice gentle. “Just don’t fall off because that’s going to be pretty hard to explain to Mom…”

Eric laughs but leans against Hyori once more, taking her up on her offer as he allows more tears to silently flow. The material he’s resting his head on quickly becomes soaked.

“What do you think he would have done?” His voice comes out as a half-sniffle. “Dad?”

His sister laughs. “Well, for starters, he would have yelled at us for being out on the roof again and threaten to nail down the windows…”

Eric snorts, remembering the many times their father had actually done that. “Point. But, about…all this.” He doesn’t need to elaborate. “You know?”

Will he be disappointed, is what he wants to ask, but he’s not sure if he’s even ready to hear the answer.

Hyori sighs. “I don’t know, Eric. He was just Dad, you know. I don’t even know if he knew divorce was an option for marriage.”

“He liked Hyunjin enough.”

“Yeah, but only because you did. One thing about Dad…he always had our backs. You remember when I called off my wedding to Trey? Daddy called me up after I told them and asked if I wanted to watch a movie and get ice cream. I was crying the whole time but he just held my hand throughout it all. I thought he was going to get mad at me because they’d already paid a lot for the wedding but he…just kind of sat there and listened to me, and in the end, he just told me that he was glad I did the thing which made me happy.”

(I was right behind you)

“He won’t be…” Eric swallows the lump in his throat. He has never actively failed his father; the weight of the title ‘First Son’ has always been his burden to bear and it’s one he carries proudly. Divorcing his wife and having feelings for another man, however, seems just the right combination for any parental disownment, even from beyond the grave, and just the thought of it makes his stomach churn. “You don’t think he’d be disappointed? In me?”

Hyori threads her finger in his hair. It takes her a moment before she answers.

“I think he’d want you happy, Eric. Whoever you choose to be with, as long as you’re not, like, being a homewrecker or anything, Daddy would just want you to be happy.” She leans towards his face, wrinkling her nose at him as she smiles and pulls at his ears. “So, be happy.”

She jabs his side so he’s forced to turn to avoid another tickle, and his gaze falls on the house directly across from theirs. The Parks’ house is dark, save for the porch light which is always on, and the upstairs bedroom window which he knows used to belong (still belongs) to Hyesung. Somehow the sight of it, a lone yellow square in a black sea, makes his spirit light and he smiles.

(I’m always right behind you)

--

The will-reading takes place in the morning at the formal dining room table with their father’s lawyer. It is nothing they didn’t expect, and it all ends with the conclusion that the four of them really do have to go through the things in the study before their mother decides to empty it. For a bigger reason than what they had all initially thought, it seems.

“Seoul? For real, Mom?” Andy’s eyes are nearly bugging out of their sockets. He barely manages to hold it in before the lawyer has up and left. “You’re moving?”

“When were you going to tell us?” Minwoo asks. “We’ve been here the whole time!”

“It’s still a plan,” their mother says in a weak attempt to soothe them. “Will you all not panic? I was just considering it.”

“But…why? We’re all here, Mom.” Hyori looks both sleep-deprived and hurt. “Do you still have family there? What’s in Seoul?”

“I was thinking it more a vacation spot than anything. You know, half the year here and half the year there. One or two or all of you can come with me if you need to just relax and take some time off.” She glances at Eric surreptitiously, as though specifically pinpointing him. Eric pretends not to see.

“Are you selling the house, Mom?” he asks the question he knows his siblings have been avoiding. “Is that why you’re getting rid of all of Dad’s stuff?”

The look his mother gives him is an odd one: almost a mixture of shame and indignation. “I considered it,” she says, her hands worrying at the edges of the table runner. “You have to admit, Eric, for a single woman, this house is now far too big. Every time I speak I hear echoes.”

“We’ll put in speakers!” Minwoo says, rather dumbly. “In every room!”

Their mother grants him an affectionate smile, the type reserved for babies and puppies. “Thank you for the gesture, sweetheart, but I just thought that it may not be practical or healthy to be surrounded with…” she makes a gesture with her hand, “all this.”

Her words strike Eric with a vaguely familiar feeling, that of refusing to live in a place which carries too many ghosts, and the longing for a fresh start. He can’t blame his mother’s desire to uproot, but he does wish she had chosen a better time to share with them her plans.

“But Mommy—”

Hyunjin is shameful enough to keep to herself while the will-reading had taken place, and for the meantime has been relegated to the kitchen as they continue to argue amongst themselves. Hyori, Minwoo, and Andy are against it, of course, Andy more than most, but their mother manages to render them to silence eventually, throwing up her hands and slamming her palms down hard on the dark oak surface of the dining-room table.

“Enough.” She said. “I didn’t want to have all four of you up here just to argue with me on this. Have some time to think about it. I will too, because I really haven’t decided anything yet.”

“Yeah, but Mommy…” Andy pouts. “It’s our home too.”

Their mother gives him an indulgent smile. “I know, baby, and we’ll decide together. But for now, let’s stop and take a break. I can only take so much excitement in the morning.”

It ends at that, and their mother seizes the moment to excuse herself to go upstairs, leaving the four of them sitting at the table in muted shock.

“I’ll think I’ll go for a drive,” Minwoo announces. “I need to clear my head. And maybe smoke a joint. I don’t know.” He grimaces as Hyori smacks him upside the head. “I’m kidding.”

“Yeah, me too,” Hyori says. “I’ll go into town a bit and get some supplies.”

“Can I come with you?” Andy asks their sister.

“Sure, baby bro.”

“And you, E?” Minwoo asks, looking at him as he pockets his keys. “Coming?”

Eric shakes his head. “You guys go ahead. I have some business I need to take care of,” he says, gesturing towards the kitchen. Minwoo looks as though he almost winces before glancing towards the closed door that leads to where Hyunjin is waiting.

“You…uh…do you need help?” he asks, although he looks more like someone who would rather not be granted the opportunity for it. Eric smirks.

“No. But thanks for the offer.”

The relief on his brother’s face is quite obvious. “Okay,” Minwoo says. “You have my number if you need me.”

“Should…er…I ask Jinnie to come over to keep an eye on you guys?” Andy asks, throwing him a nervous glance. Eric grits his teeth.  

“Beat it.”

“Okay.”

His siblings are quick to leave after that, driven off by the desire to get as far away from any additional drama as soon as possible. Eric doesn’t blame them; dealing with his wrecked marriage is the last thing he wants to see to with while at home in Rye. But he surmises it’s better to tend to the wound now that the opportunity has presented itself rather than later.

Hyunjin is seated at kitchen counter when he finally enters, cradling a cooled cup of coffee in her hands. Her back is facing him and her hair is tied up in a high ponytail, with tiny wispy curls gathering at her nape. She’s wearing a white shirt he had loaned her for the night, more out of necessity than anything, over her shorts, while her bare feet are propped up on the stool leg. It’s all at once a familiar yet unfamiliar sight, and it strikes him how much he knows his wife – her scent, her lines, her curves and angles – and yet how he also does not know her, and Eric feels as his stomach ties itself into endless knots just by staring.

She turns, framed by faded white sunlight. Outside, it’s started drizzling again. “You’re here. How is Omonim?”

She hands him a cup of coffee, warm this time, as he takes the seat beside hers. He sees as she winces when he quickly moves it away with his hand.

“Don’t.” He says, his voice low. “I’m telling you right now: this won’t work, Hyunjin.”

 Hyunjin bites her lip, her teeth making tiny crescent marks on her skin. “I am sorry, Eric.”

The words are sincere but Eric feels nothing but a dull pain at them, as though his chest is being hollowed out by a spoon. He breathes in, then releases it just as quickly. “Tell me what you want,” he says. “Did you break up with Tony then? Is that why you’ve come?”

Hurt flashes in her eyes. “I came because you were missing for weeks, Eric. I had no idea where you were and your office wasn’t giving any information. Minwoo and Hyori weren’t answering either and I thought you’d gone and done something terrible—”

“I don’t see why that would have been your concern if I had.” Eric is trying very hard to control his temper but he isn’t succeeding very well. “You could have continued ing Tony behind my back—”

His ears ring as Hyunjin’s palm meets his cheek in a resounding slap. She has never hit him before, and he is more shocked than hurt at the gesture. When he meets her eyes once more, they’re red-rimmed and pooling with tears.

“When we lost the baby…” she says, her breath shuddering, “you became a ghost.”

It’s the first time he’s hearing this accusation. “What?”

“When we lost the baby, you said we were going to get through it together. But Eric…you were never home. You would sleep at the studio and not come back until the next afternoon. I was miserable and lonely and hurt and you…you just weren’t there.”

His temper flares. “But I was working,” he says in his defense. It’s true that he had actively avoided going home in the weeks following the premature loss of their baby, caught up in the haze of grief and misery he had locked himself in. The long strenuous hours at the studio had been far more preferable than the cold, sullen silence of their home, but he had quickly snapped out of it and had forced himself to cut his hours to spend more time with Hyunjin. And by then…

“Whenever I wasn’t at home, I was at the studio but I did nothing else but work. I thought of you every single second and I’m sorry I was such a douche then, but I did try.”

“You didn’t even want to talk. I needed you, Eric!”

“And that’s why you went to Tony? Because you could have just ing told me, Hyunjin.”

Hyunjin’s face falls. Her cheeks are now wet and blotchy with tears. “That was a mistake. That was my mistake and I really regret it now. I’ve broken it off with him and he’s left the studio.” She reaches over to touch his hand but Eric jerks away. “Please, Eric. Let’s not throw away what we have.”

Eric shakes his head. It feels as though his heart is breaking all over again. A five-year marriage reduced to rubble, all because of a ‘mistake’ that would have likely carried on if he hadn’t caught them red-handed. He balls his hands into fists.

“It doesn’t work that way. Never…not once…did I even think of cheating on you. I would rather have killed myself first than cheat on you.”

He remembers the pill bottle he had been debating on emptying the night Hyori had called him regarding their father. If she had called a little bit later they would have probably been preparing for another funeral, but he doesn’t let his mind wander to that little detail.

“You and Tony weren’t a mistake, Hyunjin. That was a choice and you know it. You knew it for months and made the same choice over and over. Even after I started staying at home more.”

“I would never have stayed with him. Please. I love you, Eric. I am so sorry.”

“No, I’m sorry, Hyunjin.”

“Eric—”

He slides a printed booking sheet across the granite counter to her. “I’ve booked a room for you at the Marriott till Monday and have gotten you a flight back home to your parents’ in San Francisco, if you want it. The details are here. We can finalize everything else when I get back. I have some stuff I still need to take care of here.”

“That’s it?” Hyunjin looks a cross between livid and devastated, as though she wants to scream but can’t find the energy to. Her face is as pale and beautiful as the day they met, but the thrumming in Eric’s heart is no longer for her. “You’re throwing our marriage away just like that?”

Eric stands. He is not usually one to take the accusation that’s just been thrown lying down, but somehow he feels eerily calm.

“I’ll drive you to the Marriott. Get your stuff. Let’s go.”

--

There are no tearful goodbyes, only a prolonged, filled silence that builds throughout the 45-minute ride to the hotel, and ends with Hyunjin’s hand in Eric’s just before he drops her off at the hotel lobby.

“‘Not with a bang but with a whisper’, huh?” Hyunjin says, her eyes still glazed over as she gives him a sorrowful smile. She’s still wearing his shirt, but he’s decided to let her keep it. He’s certainly not going to ask it back from her anymore.

Eric nods. “It ends here.”

“No takebacks?” Hyunjin bites her lip. “At all?”

Eric shakes his head. “Not for this. You know me, Hyunjin.”

His soon-to-be-ex-wife nods, wiping her face with the back of her hand. “Your entire family hates me. So do your friends. I saw the looks Dongwan and Junjin were giving me. Abeonim would have probably thrown me out. I deserve it, I guess.”

She says it with a resigned tone, one pitiful-sounding enough that Eric relents and allows himself to help her wipe away a stray tear. She leans into his touch in the same way she always has, and Eric feels his chest tear into two.

“I love you,” Hyunjin whispers, and by instinct, Eric too wants to say it back, but he restrains himself.

“Take care,” he replies instead, and walks away before he’s able to say anything else.

--

He tries to ring Hyesung once he gets back to the house. He doesn’t know why he does, but his chest his tight and his face is warm and he needs someone to hold his hand in the thick of this madness. Somehow his fingers know the old Park number before his brain can even recall it fully, and it connects on the first try. Junjin answers on the third try, seconds before the answering machine picks up again.

“Hello.”

“Jinnie.” Eric bites his lip, relieved that someone has actually deigned to answer. “Is…is Hyesung home?”

“Oh, Eric. He’s um. Well, he’s here all right. Is everything okay?”

Eric isn’t sure what exactly Junjin is asking about and so grants him a generic answer. “Could be better,” he says, scratching the hard plastic of the phone with the end of his fingernail. “If he’s there, can I talk to him?”

“He’s doing therapy for his leg. Now’s not really a good time.”

“Ah.” Disappointment cuts through Eric like lightning. “The rain makes it worse huh?”

“Yeah.” Junjin lowers his voice. “He’s kind of being an too so probably best you avoid him the next few days.”

“Yeah?” Eric rubs a hand across his face. “Well…when he’s feeling up to it, could you ask him to give me a call?”

“Yeah, okay.” There’s a beat where an awkward silence fills the gap, then Junjin speaks once more, his voice again a shade lower. “I’m sorry about what’s happened between you and Hyunjin. If you need anything…just let us know.”

Eric manages to smile. “Thanks, Jinnie.”

“Get some rest. You looked like yesterday. And don’t worry. I’ll tell him you called.”

“Okay.”

“Okay. See you, Eric.”

Eric listens to the droning of the dial tone after Junjin hangs up for a very long time.

--

He sleeps in the afternoon for the first time in ages, lulled by the quiet and the steady thrumming of rain. His dreams are disjointed and chaotic, with faces flashing and disappearing like a badly-edited screamer. His father, Hyunjin, Hyesung, Tony…over and over in a sickening cycle until he jerks awake, his body enflamed and his limbs flailing.

“Eric. Honey, are you all right?”

His room is dark and someone is moving about in the shadows. His mother has shut his windows, a habit of hers since their childhood. Her hand cradles his cheek and Eric sighs at the familiar gesture, thankful for his mother’s presence.

“You always did like opening your windows, even in the dead of winter. Strange boy.” She murmurs, then clucks her tongue as she places another hand on his forehead. “You have a fever now though. Poor duck. You must have been exhausted.”

That explains the unnatural warmth Eric seems surrounded with. His mother makes to stand, but he takes a hold of her arm. “Mom, don’t.”

“I was just going to get you some water and Tylenol. It’ll help you feel better.”

“Just…” His ribs still feel like they’ve shrunk two sizes and he can barely breathe. “Just stay here a bit, will you? Please?”

His mother acquiesces without any further question and sits on the bed beside him. She rubs Eric’s neck as he sits with his head in his hands, trying to breathe deep, trying to regain a sense of control in his life.

“It’s not the end of the world, Eric.”

“Oh?” Her words are soothing and much-needed, but Eric still feels the need to lash out. “How would you know, Mom?”

“Well, my husband just died and I’m still here.” Emily Mun says as-a-matter-of-factly. She leans closer, rubs his back. “And I’m your mother. For some things, I know you better than you know yourself, and you’ll be okay. It may seem like the pits now, but you’ll be fine.”

Eric sighs. “The divorce will be finalized when I get back to LA.” He bites his lip as he recalls the final time he held Hyunjin’s hand. “I loved her.”

“I know.”

“Now I love someone else. I think.” Eric hangs his head. “I don’t know, Mom. It feels so wrong and I don’t want to do it if it is.”

“Love is never wrong as long as it’s sincere.”

“You’ll be disappointed in me. Dad will be disappointed in me.”

“Eric.” This time his mother holds his face in her hands, forcing him to look at her. “Ever since you were born, there was never a day we were disappointed in you. You kids annoy me to hell sometimes but you never disappoint me. And your Dad…as far as he was concerned the sun rose and set on the four of you. He lived to see you all smiling and happy. If loving this person, whoever it is, will make you happy, you don’t need any of our permission.”

Tears prick at the corner of his eyes. This may be as far a confession as he’ll make to his mother for the time being, but it still lifts a huge load off of his chest. “I’m sorry, Mom.”

His mother holds him close, the same way she used to when he was younger and smaller and the whole world was measured by the kisses he got from his parents and the laughter he could elicit from his siblings. “You do what makes you happy, ah deul. That’s the best we all can do.”

“You too,” he sniffs onto her shoulder. “If you want to move, Mom, you should. You don’t need our permission.”

His mother laughs and squeezes his arm. “I’m still thinking about it. This house…I do love this house very much. I’m not sure I can part with it that easily.”

“I’ll shut Andy and Minwoo up if you need me to.”

“Thanks for the offer, but I’ll handle those two.” His mother runs a hand through his hair and purses her lip in a small pout. “My poor boy. I can only wish the world was a little less cruel.”

“If it wasn’t it wouldn’t be half as exciting,” Eric says wryly, and his mother smiles in agreement. She pushes him back down on the bed.

“Get some rest. I’ll get you some Tylenol and you go back to sleep. It will be better in the morning.”

Eric sniffs, but now his smile comes easily. “Thanks, Mom.”

“It’ll be okay, honey.”

(You’re all right. I’ve got you now. You’re all right.)

tbc

Author's Notes
1. Not a lot of Hyesung in this one but he'll be back!
2. Also, I'm not LGBTQ+ but I hoped to convey the sense of fear and helplessness someone from a typical conservative (but loving) household would feel if they were grappling with the same crisis Eric is. Hopefully it's at least 5% correct. 
3. This is nearly at the the end!