Dara had never been a smoker, or even a drinker, but lately, she found herself jumping from vice to vice when her emotions threatened to swallow her whole. She’d find herself on the balcony of her hotel room more often than not, a bottle of alcohol in hand some nights or a cigarette on others. Today she had chosen a wine imported from France that had cost her close to ₩ 2000000. She took a swig, welcoming the overt sweetness as she stared into the night sky.

Few things brought her joy anymore, though most wouldn’t be able to tell it by looking at her.

On the outside, everything looked great. She was starring in films, landing big endorsements and staying busy with gigs from sponsors. She did it all with a smile on her face, assuring the Korean public that she’d continue to work hard.

But inside she was hurting, and hurting deeply. Out of the things that brought her genuine happiness these days, seeing her Blackjacks support her at her events and interact with her on social media warmed her heart in a way nothing else could. But she could feel the things left unspoken between herself and the fans, reassurance that they desperately needed but that she couldn’t give, confirmation that things would be okay that she couldn’t guarantee. She tried her best to keep her group alive, always introducing herself as 2NE1’s Dara and promoting her group at any opportunity.

At the end of the day, it was not enough. It could never be enough. The hand that 2NE1 had been dealt, and Blackjacks along with them, was unbelievably cruel and frustrating, and for the past year Dara had been struggling to hold together what was left of the fandom while at the same time trying to keep herself intact.

She wanted to give Blackjacks everything, but lately she found herself wondering what would happen when she had nothing left to give.

A selfish part of her wanted to be angry at her members. Did they not care as much about 2NE1 as she did?

Why didn’t anyone ever say anything?

But then Dara remembered that silence was their life now.

Since 2014, Park Bom continued to be silenced. The brilliant light that used to shine so bright within her had been almost completely snuffed out by the public and YG Entertainment. Dara could never blame her for staying quiet,when so many people still ignorantly blamed her for the group’s demise. She wished Blackjacks knew just how hard Bom worked to stay afloat and live her daily life. Bom’s inner turmoil was one that was unique to her, that no one in the world could hope to understand, and one that Dara wished someone as kind as Bom would have never had to shoulder. As of late, Bom’s interactions with fans were vague and designed to make the least amount of noise, preferring to stick to liking social media posts if anything at all. Dara knew she was scared, scared of messing up in a society that was waiting to tear her to shreds for any misstep. No, she couldn’t blame Bom for not speaking up. Not when her words still continued to fall on deaf ears.

And Chaerin.

Dara smiled bitterly, pressing the bottle to her lips as she thought about her best friend. Their leader. The person she needed most, yet she was halfway across the ocean.

Chaerin’s silence was deafening. Fed empty promises for years and years, Dara had watched as Chaerin worked tirelessly to create new music and further her image in the American music market. But it was 2018 and nothing had come to fruition. Watching as the confident CL slowly became dragged down by seemingly endless setbacks in her life was the hardest thing Dara had ever had to see.

Idly, mirthlessly, she thought about how Bom and Chaerin had that in common. Two insanely talented and special people pushed too far, repressed for far too long.

The more she looked at herself, and Bom and Chaerin’s situation, the more she’s happy their maknae got out.

Chaerin had always seemed invincible to her, even behind closed doors. Dara, who knew Chaerin better than anyone, had always recognized the fire within her, her absolute refusal to give up on her dreams. Seeing her spark slowly fade away infuriated Dara, made her hate herself for not being able to do anything, but more so made her hate the people who surrounded Chaerin. People who only saw her as a dollar sign instead of a human being, people who didn’t share her passion and only gave her 50% effort when Chaerin never gave anything less than 100%. People overseas who never took her role as 2NE1’s leader seriously, and people at home who treated CL as an old commodity, second-rate to the newer, fresher faces in the company.

Because of it all, Chaerin remained silenced. Suffocated by the expectations that were now impossibly high for an album that should have came out years ago. Pushed into an unspoken, deep depression over the disintegration of her group that weighed heavy on her chest and permeated her bones with every step she took.

None of it was her fault, but Chaerin never listened when Dara told her that. She took all the blame, and all the responsibility because that’s what she thought a leader should do.

Dara wished Chaerin didn’t have to try to be so strong all the time.

And more than anything, she wished Chaerin would come back home.

She would be lying if she said there wasn’t a huge void in her life without Chaerin near. Life felt emptier. Roads felt darker if it wasn’t Chaerin who was journeying on them with her. Words didn’t sound as sincere if it wasn’t Chaerin who was saying them to her. But how could she ask her to come home? When she knew it was Chaerin’s dream to release a solo album in the US? How could she ask her to abandon her ambitions just so Dara could have her best friend back? Asking Chaerin to quit something that’d she’d set out to accomplish was like asking her to stop living. The answer was clear: she couldn’t do it.

And so, now more than ever, she was forced to bear the pain of losing not only 2NE1 but Chaerin’s presence, a shell of herself without her group and the person she had devoted herself to many years ago.

In the late hours of the night, when she was being honest with herself, Dara would admit that she’s had feelings for Chaerin that were more than platonic for a long time.

She remembers the day she’d fallen for 2NE1’s leader like it just happened yesterday, Chaerin an old soul at the ripe old age of 18 and Dara a youthful 24. It had been a brisk September evening, and Dara had taught Chaerin how to ride a bike. It was then when Chaerin had finally let her guard down, indulging Dara in her hopes and fears for their fledgling group as Dara walked beside her, holding the handlebars. She had listened as Chaerin told stories from her childhood, talking excitedly before pointing out that she’d be interested to learn more about Dara too. It was her vivaciousness, her kindness that drew Dara in so deeply. Her childlike innocence and intensity, so intrinsically in touch with her emotions that captured Dara, made her find solace in Chaerin’s presence.  She was vulnerable yet powerful, two sides of the same beautiful coin. And Dara loved her for it.

She knew that Chaerin was aware of her feelings. The younger woman was incredibly perceptive and could read Dara’s mood just by being in the same vicinity as her. She was an expert on all things Sandara Park, and she revered the relationship they had, one in which she could confide in Dara and offer comfort to her when no one else could . Hours spent in each other’s company had made the pair extremely sensitive to each other’s needs, and because of this Dara was sure that Chaerin knew the extent of her love.

On the nights she and Chaerin would spend in various hotel rooms together while on tour, faces close as their breathing matched until sleep overtook them, she thought it would be impossible for her not to know.

Dara said what she was feeling with her eyes because she could never say it with her lips. Why speak something into existence that could never be? It would only do more harm than good.  Dara would rather remain friends with Chaerin the rest of her life, eternally suppressing her true feelings rather than ruining everything they had over a doomed love confession.

In their world, there was no way they could ever be together.

Doing so would mean career suicide, tarnishing their family names and their legacies. They’d be shamed and most likely banished from the country, forced to live their lives out in disgrace and humiliation. They lived in a world where homoual fan service was okay and even encouraged, but anything beyond that was deemed wildly inappropriate or even morally wrong. Their own president condemned homouality, and despite herself Dara still couldn’t help feeling like there was something wrong with her for wanting Chaerin, and not wanting a man.

She had never wanted any man. All her life she’d waited for the day everyone said would come, the day when she’d start finding men attractive and eventually fall in love and marry one. But that day had never came. Instead, Dara had always found herself entranced by women, their physique and demeanor much more alluring to Dara than any of the top male stars she’d worked with. Dara craved emotional connection and she found she was only able to achieve it with women, and only cared to share her emotions with women. She had turned down hordes of men from all over the world asking for dates because the thought of spending just a moment alone with any of them made her feel empty, forcing herself into a role she could never truly play.

But those were things about herself that she kept locked deep inside, hidden beneath layers of practiced deflections and reasons why she was single that she had to dole out more and more frequently as she aged.

In her dreams, she tells the MCs that ask about her dating life that she’s happily devoted to the most beautiful girl in the world, Lee Chaerin. In her dreams, she chatters on about how Chaerin cooks breakfast every morning, how Dara helps her stay motivated when she’s working on tough projects. She tells them how they like to travel together, and how they’re looking at purchasing a new home together in Japan, an addition to the three they have elsewhere around the world. She gushes about how lucky she is to have met Chaerin, how happy they are together. And the hosts all smile and the crowd cheers, and netizens quickly take to their keyboards to voice their support for the relationship.

And then she wakes up, and the illusion is over.  

Despite knowing that they could never be, every inch of Dara’s being was nonetheless committed to Chaerin, in mind, body and soul. After all, Chaerin was the reason she still remained in YG Entertainment, choosing to trust in her and stay by her side in whatever she chose to do.

She hoped that in their next life, maybe they’d have a chance.

She hoped they’d all have another chance.

Dara glanced at her bottle and saw that she had almost finished it, though the alcohol had only served to give her a dull headache instead of make her pain go away. She drank on, resolving to finish the bottle. She finished what she started, unlike their company, working them to the bone in the recording studio only to indefinitely shelve all of their hard work.

It had taken 2NE1 years to work for their success but it had all fallen apart so fast. And why? There wasn’t a good reason. 2NE1 still had so much to give to the world before it was taken away from them for unfathomable reasons.

They had deserved far better. Their fans had deserved better.

She sometimes worried that they’d go down in the history books as the saddest story ever written, the happy times eclipsed by the heavy weight of the bad.

Dara thought about Minji, about the countless hours their maknae had spent composing her own music with no interest or help from any of the in-house producers. How she had been forced to leave because she had been abandoned by the company she’d called home since she was a child.

She thought about Bom, about how she’d talk animatedly about her new favorite restaurant, sleeping in late and staying up all night at the recording studio. Singing. Always singing, her voice bringing joy to everyone around her and to Bom herself. Her voice had been a gift she’d wanted to share with the world before the public that once adored her had so scornfully her. Now Dara was unsure if they’d ever be able to hear it again.

She thought of Chaerin, alone across the world, left to mourn the death of the thing she held most dear to her without anyone to lean on. 2NE1 had been as much a part of her as the blood that coursed so strongly through her veins, as the air that filled her lungs. Her pain was never taken seriously, always overlooked because of the strong image she worked so hard to portray to eyes that were always watching. Unable to save her group, Chaerin was now in a position where she was finding it hard to save even herself, starting from square one on a weekly basis, strung along and mistreated by people who didn’t believe in her, and didn’t care about her. Dara wondered how long a person could repress their own pain, how long they could carry the weight of such a heavy burden on their small shoulders before they couldn’t anymore.   

And finally, Dara thought about herself. 2NE1’s fresh vocal, PR Director for the greatest girl group in the world. Even though YG Entertainment had tried to take it all away from her, Dara still clung on to her titles, all she had left of the group that helped her have a second chance at life. She didn’t use past tense when referring to her role in 2NE1, because to her, disbandment or not, 2NE1 was eternal. As long as Dara lived she would always remain 2NE1’s Dara, first and foremost. She thought about her acting gigs, jobs she was grateful to have, but she knew they were mostly contingency plans for her future, a future without 2NE1. She knew what it meant to be a woman in the entertainment industry, especially a woman such as herself that was highly sought after because of her physical beauty. At 33 years old, she’d eventually reach a point where she was no longer deemed beautiful enough to have her face plastered all over billboards and subways, and she needed to make connections now to ensure her future then. Dara was always thinking, always planning one step ahead to ensure her security in an industry that chewed people up and spit them out with alarming ferocity.

There was a part of her, a naive part of her, that still harboured hope that 2NE1 would return.

But that was all a fantasy, made up and manufactured just like the CFs Dara starred in.

At the end of the day, she could have it all but none of it mattered unless she could share it with 2NE1.

Dara stood up, tipping the last of the bottle’s contents into before exhaling deeply.

All of them capable of so much more, ready to give so much more, if only they had the chance. If they were just dealt one last card to play.

But it felt to Dara, as she retreated into her room, empty bottle in hand, that maybe their final hand had already been played.

She wondered if they could ever be happy again.