"We are an important existence to each other."

—Eunhyuk about what Donghae's existence means to him.

(Source Forgotten)

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The thing that never changes for Hyuk Jae, even after meeting Dong Hae, is that he's still suffering from sleepless nights. His world is still full of momentary blurs and glitches and his everyday affairs still consist of surprising sequence of events and phenomenons that are emerging from an unexplainable occurrence. Sometimes, he just can't distinguish the reality from his dreams.

There are times that he's been hallucinating about having Dong Hae by his side even at his subjective moments, like when he's seated at his work station alone or when he's about to make another futile attempt of sleeping. There are also these instances where he feels a strong sense of deja vu even though he believes that it's his first time experiencing it. He has plenty of fuzzy and broken memories of the two of them going out together to do things that he never imagined his old self would do.

Perhaps it's because of that that it doesn't feel awkward for him to go along with Dong Hae's whims. Regardless, he's starting to go out of his comfort zone and he's beginning to do things that were once beyond his boundaries. And behind all these happenings, Dong Hae is always there to egg him on.

He always has the impression that life swings like a pendulum from negative to positive and in the past, his pendulum only budged in the slightest movement; he didn't have the saddest emotion and he didn't have the happiest one. But now, his pendulum gets to swing higher on both sides and he gets to experience the staggering transition of his emotions.

He doesn't know anything about Dong Hae and Dong Hae never speaks about his life to him, but Hyuk Jae is never really mindful of such details when he has his own to wonder about. What he simply knows is that Dong Hae manages to creep his way into his life in a speed that's possibly faster than a bullet train without him realizing it.

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===

When a person is sick, he's most likely to have some difficulty in perceiving things clearly. Every little thing can be either vague or distorted. Same goes for Hyuk Jae. The only difference is that these are common matters for him even though he isn't sick. So now that he's really sick, it feels as though his world becomes twice as dim and his consciousness is twice as disoriented.

His head is throbbing, he has muscle pain on from his shoulder to his back and his bed doesn't feel so comfortable because of it. The temperature of his body keeps on rising and he can hear a buzzing on his ears. He feels really awful, but he can't remember why he's sick. The only two things that his mind wants to focus on is the powerful smell of onion that's emanating from all over his room and the faint clacking sounds that's coming from his kitchen.

Was I asleep?

He doesn't know who is it and how he got inside, neither does he know why there's presumably chunks of onions on his floor and he would have check on it if only his illness isn't deterring him. There's about a total of one person he can guess who the intruder may be, but he's out of the possibilities behind the unfathomable onions.

He tries to sit up, his heavy body moving little by little so it can adjust to the shift of position. He feels like an injured soldier when broken bones, but it's not out of exaggeration, he's just weak like that. He looks down on his floor and finds about four pieces of onions cut in half; two of them are on the left side of his bed and the other two are on the right. It's no wonder he can smell them even with his clogged nose.

"Why are you up?"

Hyuk Jae starts when a voice suddenly resonates. He follows the sound of it and sees Dong Hae, unsurprisingly, on the doorway of his bedroom. He blinks, frowns, and makes an effort to recall when and how he got here only to fail miserably.

"It reeks of onion, why are there onions here?" he asks with his voice barely above whisper.

"I put them there," Dong Hae replies. He trudges the short distance of the door to Hyuk Jae's bedroom and sits beside him.

Hyuk Jae pauses for a brief moment. He tries to comprehend whether Dong Hae is trying to pull something off with this stunt. "Why?"

He doesn't answer, but he gathers Hyuk Jae's bangs and proceeds to lean his head forward until their foreheads are touching. It's Dong Hae's weird way of checking his temperature and it sends a shiver down his spine and causes a rapid beat from his pulse but he remains still through the short process.

"It's still high, you should lie down and get some sleep."

If Hyuk Jae can do that, then he won't be talking right now, but that is not quite a simple feat for him to accomplish. "You didn't answer my question, why are there onions here?"

"Just let the onions be, lie down and sleep."

Hyuk Jae gives him an analyzing look. Of all the expression he's seen from Dong Hae, this is probably the most serious and apprehending look that he can muster. However, even though he wants to back down and yield, it's impossible to just do as he says.

"I can't sleep," he says and thinks that this may be second to the phrase that he speaks the most in his entire life; the first one is 'Was I asleep?'.

Dong Hae contemplates for a second, then with his firm yet gentle hold at Hyuk Jae's shoulders, he pushes him down so his back is flat on the bed. "Then at least lie down and rest."

"How about you?"

"I'll rest, too," says Dong Hae before planting a kiss on the corner of Hyuk Jae's mouth. His lips landed half on Hyuk Jae's lips and half on his cheek. It's kind of strange though, because it's a gesture that's very familiar to him. It's the first time that he's receiving it but he can accurately interpret it. He totally knows, like it's been planted on his brain, that it's a kind of kiss that's more meaningful than a casual one but less than intimate than a passionate one. It only lasts for a very contracted period that before he can even react, Dong Hae is already drawing back and reclining beside him.

The position that Dong Hae chooses when he says he'll rest is one that faces him. Instead of lying down on his back, he lies on his side with his head propped up over his arm. He's looking after him, like literally, and Hyuk Jae feels like he's gradually getting better. He still wonders about the purpose of the onions on his floor but he decides that he likes being attended by him because it gives him comfort.

Dong Hae's presence is like a cold water to a dry throat, like a warm blanket to a chilled body, like a mouthwatering food to a starving stomach; it heals and it cures.

===

===

"Hyuk Jae, let's go back to your hometown."

Hyuk Jae's fingers cease for a moment as they hover above his computer keyboard. He puzzles over what kind of nonsense Dong Hae is currently spouting. But when he turns around to interrogate him, he is welcomed by the sight of his busy office mates occupied with their respective tasks.

That's right, he's at the office trying to complete a three days worth of work that had piled up due to his recent leave. He's so engrossed at all the projects that are waiting to be done when Dong Hae's voice rumbles out of nowhere. It's weird and it's not a first time occurrence but he must be hearing things again.

What he finds more peculiar, however, is the content of what he just heard. What he typically hears when this happens are only trivial things like an expression or a word play, not something that can ensue a turmoil out of him which he can't easily ignore. One question starts and then the list goes on.

First of all, what hometown does he possibly means? While it's true that Hyuk Jae can't remember why and how he's alone without anyone to call his family, he finds it impossible to consider that he was brought up some where else. Yes, he can't remember where he lived before buying his present unit, but that's because it was a time too long ago for his feeble memory to keep.

Second, how does Dong Hae know about it, if ever he has one? What does Dong Hae know exactly about Hyuk Jae and why isn't he telling him anything other than ambiguous things like this?

And third, why is Dong Hae asking him to go back to his hometown after all these years? And does he mean he's going to go with him? Why? Just who exactly is Dong Hae to him?

And more importantly, if he is to consider these as facts, why can't he remember a single thing about it?

Even though he knows that it's just a figment of his imagination, he can't disregard it as that because it's Dong Hae's voice. Besides, he's got a feeling that there are actual answers out there for all these questions. If it was really the fate that brought him to Dong Hae, then these hallucinations are also a sign of something relevant to him. Maybe all he has to do is to get those answers from the starting point of the question.

===

===

Hyuk Jae stares at the piece of paper he's holding. It's the prescription from the doctor that he visits when he's feeling desperate. He goes to him to request for a medicine that will help his insomnia. He explains all his sufferings caused by his sleepless nights and silently pleads for him to take him seriously for once. But even then, the doctor insists that sticking to the natural remedy is the best way. It never helps, actually, but that's the only thing that the doctor always tells him.

Even now, the words written on the paper reads as 'Natural Remedy'. To be honest, he feels like the doctor never really took him seriously, despite how it really shows on the outside how miserable he feels on the inside.

Hyuk Jae proves once more that his life swings like a pendulum, despite it becoming an active one. While he begins to feel lively and happy in the past few weeks, he also starts to feel hurt and sad in the past few days. And that's all because of one reason—Lee Dong Hae.

It's been more than a week since he last saw Dong Hae and it's driving him even crazier than the usual because he just disappeared without any word. Hyuk Jae doesn't even know what made him suddenly stop coming, but it was right after all the questions about his past started emerging. It's as if Dong Hae wants to avoid being interrogated by him.

What's worse is that it's only now that he's realizing that he totally has never had an idea about Dong Hae's life. Personal matters aside, Hyuk Jae doesn't know what he does for a living or where he lives. He doesn't know his contact details, as well, since Dong Hae usual just comes to him and surprises him. So in the end, even though he wants so bad to see him or talk to him, he has no clue how to make it possible.

And that's the reason why he feels so empty right now. When Dong Hae is beside him, he feels elated so now that he's gone, the sensation swings from light to dark, from up to down and from warm to cold. He can't even feel angry because his heart is too busy mending its broken parts.

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"Hyuk Jae!"

Hyuk Jae alarms when he hears the voice. It's coming from the inner part of the cave and the tone of it is different from Dong Hae's usually cheery one. He doesn't know why he's in a narrow cave of ice but he's determined to get to where the voice is reverberating. He walks with hurried steps, mindful of the pointy icicles that's just about everywhere.

"Hyuk Jae!"

His breath fogs as he exhales and his body is getting chilled, but he ignores it for the sake of seeing Dong Hae finally after weeks of no contact.

"Hyuk Jae!"

He trudges even more until he reaches the innermost part of the cave. From there, he finds Dong Hae, sitting still at the floor of ice. Everywhere he looks is white and solid dense and Hyuk Jae can't comprehend why Dong Hae would be staying in here, but what concerns him the most is how to get him out.

Dong Hae isn't moving, he isn't even saying anything, but the look he's sending Hyuk Jae is one that means a lot of different things that can't be simply form into words. His eyes are sad, yet they carry aid and softness that is supposed to relieve him from his worries. Of why he isn't worried for himself is out of Hyuk Jae's understanding.

"What are you doing here?" asks Hyuk Jae as he takes careful steps towards him. He wants to touch him, he wants to make sure that he's real and not just another bout of his hallucination but there's this thing within himself that's saying something will happen if he touches him. "Dong Hae?"

The man's lips moves, but it doesn't have any sound. He keeps on talking and talking yet Hyuk Jae can't hear what he's saying. The cave remains silent. And then all of a sudden, the icicles start to crack little by little until even the foundation of the cage itself commences to crack and everything is just breaking. Hyuk Jae is panicking and he wants to go out of it and save himself, but only if Dong Hae will come with him. When he gazes down, however, Dong Hae, too, is already in the process of shattering into pieces.

That's when Hyuk Jae rises awake.

He blinks once, thinking that everything is out of control. He feels a bit dizzy and he doesn't know what time is it or even what day is it and his mind is busy making a poor attempt of recollecting his thoughts. The room is dark but there's a bit of illumination that's seeping from the tiny crack of his door and there's that familiar clacking sounds on the kitchen, as well. He takes another full minute to at least even his breaths and then he heads out of the room.

Without any further fuss, Hyuk Jae walks straight to where the sounds are being produced. From there, he finds Dong Hae with his back at him and he muses that this has happened before.

"Dong Hae," he calls and Dong Hae faces him.

"Hi."

He has the same look with the Dong Hae from his dreams. Same features, same expressions; the only difference is that this one has his voice.

"Can we talk?"

"What do you want to talk about?"

"I want to talk about you," Hyuk Jae says, sitting at one of the dining chairs and urges him to do the same. "And I want to talk about me."

"Are you sure?"

"Of course, I'm sure."

They exchange gazes but Hyuk Jae contemplates for a second because he can't read Dong Hae's current expression. He seems willing to talk, but at the same time, he has some worries that are subjected not to himself but to Hyuk Jae.

"Is this the day you finally want to know the truth?" Dong Hae asks.

"What are you talking about?"

"What do you want to know?"

Hyuk Jae glares at him, he's starting to feel like he's getting played and he doesn't like it, especially because he has believed in Dong Hae all this time yet there seems to be a reality that's different from what he knows. "Who are you and what do you know about me?"

"Before I tell you, I want to ask you a favor, please remember Lee Dong Hae."

"What the hell are you talking about? Who is he?"

Dong Hae pauses, he looks at him for a brief moment and continues, "Hyuk Jae, Lee Dong Hae is your lover who died from an accident three years ago."

The shock prevents Hyuk Jae to respond, he isn't even sure if this man is saying the truth, but for some reason, it doesn't occur to him that this is just nonsense Dong Hae is trying to feed him.

"When he died, your whole world shattered and you thought you wouldn't be able to live without him, so you lied to yourself. You manipulated your own memories and made yourself believe that he never existed. You erased him, Hyuk Jae, you ran away from the world that involves him, you lock your emotions and feelings for him and you continued to live like an empty shell. But your guilt didn't let you deny his existence, ever. And your conscience wouldn't let you be at peace, that's why you had a hard time getting some rest, that's why you developed an insomnia.

"And I... I am the manifestation of the lingering memories from your heart that your mind couldn't erase."

"You're lying," Hyuk Jae whispers. He can't believe what he's hearing, he doesn't want to believe it. It's so new to him and everything doesn't make sense yet at the same time, it does. His head is starting to hurt and it he feels like he's back at the ice cave and it's breaking again; his world is shattering again.

"Why would I lie to you? I am you. You wanted me out of the ice cave so here I am," the man across him breathes, he closes his eyes for a second and when he opens them, his expression looks painful. "Remember that day when you first saw me and thought it was fate? You never saw anyone, you just imagined me there because that place looks exactly like the one in your hometown where you and Lee Dong Hae first met, and your heart recognized it."

And then Hyuk Jae remembers. He remembers the park, the playground, the bus stop, and he remembers the teenage boy who used to hang out with him after classes. He remembers the boy growing up into a fine young man and he remembers being by his side. But it's still unclear, the boy doesn't have a face and a voice.

"You know it yourself, Hyuk Jae, you never forget him, you just pretended that you did. He has always been living inside your heart and you know it because he's the one you love more than anything in this world, you could never forget an important existence like that," the Dong Hae in front of him says eventually, but he can't look up, all he does is to clutch his head and forces his memory out.

Suddenly, everything is in slow motion. It's coming to him how on their first date, they went to the giant Ferris Wheel and the couple before them pulled the stunt of shortcutting their way into another round and Hyuk Jae was so pissed at them so Dong Hae tried to coo him by saying sweet words to him when they reached the highest point.

It's also coming to him how he used to nurse Dong Hae whenever he's getting sick. He always put sliced pieces of onions under his bed because he believed that onions have the ability to absorb flu viruses so that the next day, he'd get all better. But Dong Hae would always whine and complain that it stinked so Hyuk Jae would try to avert his attention by staying beside him and showering him with kisses.

His head is throbbing again, but he doesn't mind because everything is starting to come back to him now. It's like his brain is trying to organize every file until all the puzzles fit together. He's remembering it now, the face and voice of the man he loved so much, the things they used to do when they were together and the promises they used to share for their future.

He also recalls the day when all the promises of forever fell into oblivion—the day when Dong Hae died. He was so devastated and as if Dong Hae held Hyuk Jae's lifeline, he felt like he died along with him.

Hyuk Jae feels his tears falling endlessly. All the emotions that he has locked up inside of him are now freeing themselves and he feels so, so sentimental. There's the guilt, there's the sorrow, the longing, the relief, but above all, he feels gratified that he's finally accepting the reality where Lee Dong Hae existed.

Now that everything's on its rightful place, he can no longer feel the presence of the man in front of him, he no longer needs a personification of his own memories, he no longer is a prisoner of his own mind. The puzzle fits, at last.

He lets himself reminisce and feel a lot more of the lost sensation, crying and smiling at the same time. For the first time in three years, he can feel his heart warm and contented, and for the first time in three years, he is having a peaceful sleep that lasts longer than 6 hours.

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--krissyoong--

A/N: This fic's idea was inspired by the 1999 movie Fight Club, but the plot story is all mine.