“Bae Joohyun, will you marry me?”

You felt an unexpected head rush hit you with full force. Your heart started to race. Your eyes started to moisten.

Seungwan was kneeling in front of you, holding a black velvet box containing a shiny diamond ring. She looked somewhat scared but still hopeful, like she always does when she looks at you. You don’t know why is that but you got used to it. You learned to love the way she looked at you. Unreachable but not really.

You felt your heart beating wildly against your ribcage. It’s scary.

You playfully hit her on the arm as tears rolled down your cheeks. “Yes,” you answered almost inaudibly so you repeat in a much clearer and louder voice, “Yes, I will marry you.”

Seungwan exhaled loudly, not realizing she was holding her breath after popping the question. She put the ring on your finger. It fit quite perfectly.

Seungwan hugged you tightly. The warmth provided by her arms flooding your body. In that moment, maybe - just maybe - paradise does exist. And it’s right here, in her arms.

“Ready?” Seungwan asked you before getting a hold of the doorknob to Sooyoung’s apartment door.

You nodded with a smile.

She gave you a peck on the lips before twisting the knob and pushing the door open.

“I’m getting married!” You announced excitedly, showing off your beautiful ring.

But why did it sound like a call for help in your head?

Your fiancée placed her hand on your waist and pulled you closer. Suddenly, the question faded.

“She said yes!” Oh, what you would give for Seungwan to never lose that happy smile on her face.

Yerim ran towards your way and hugged you both. Sooyoung joined in too. It’s almost suffocating.

Your eyes met Seulgi, who remained sitting on the stairs. She was staring at all of you, mostly you, with a clenched hand on her knee. You noticed she’s shaking mildly.

“Seulgi-yah! Group hug!” You called her in your most cheerful tone. You opened your arms for her and you weren’t disappointed when she clings to you, squeezing you as hard as possible. When you felt your shoulder getting wet with her sobs, you held onto her tighter.

You asked mentally: Why are you crying, Seul? Is it because you’re happy? You’ve only cried like this when you’re too happy.

Later on, the others joined the two of you for the group hug.

You’re not much of a talker so Seungwan did the talking during dinner. She told everyone about the proposal. You found out she’s been planning about it for months. She took Yerim’s advice about how the proposal should be - intimate and just between the two of you. Your eyes caught the “thank you” that Seulgi mouthed on the youngest. You tried to kill the curiosity that built on your stomach.

Four months, nearly five, since the last time you’ve seen your best friend’s face. You wonder how she’s doing: Is she eating well? You know how she likes to ignore the grumbling of her stomach when she’s distracted. Is she taking care of herself? Your best friend, being the selfless idiot that she is, forgets her existence so long as she remembers other people. Does she still smile as much these days? She’s literally the epitome of the “:D” emoticon. Is she drinking less? You know she and alcohol do not get along very well.

“Hyunnie,” you hear your girlfriend - fiancée - approaching into the room. She holds a plate of cookies she just baked. The smile on your face feels automatic and so does the growling of your stomach. “Did you skip a meal again?” she asks worriedly.

You frown, “Not intentionally. I got stuck in a meeting with the higher-up.” You try to grab a cookie but you retreat your hand quickly when it suddenly burns. “Aish,” you hiss.

“You know it’s hot,” Seungwan laughs a little before taking your hand and blowing air on your burned finger. She gives it a gentle kiss. “Better?”

You nod with a smile. Seungwan blows air on the cookies to cool it down before feeding you one. Her baking never disappoints.

She moves to her side of the bed and wraps her arm around your waist. “What got you so worried?”

“Who says I’m worried?”

“You have that look on your face before I got in the room.” You don’t even try to hide it. You sigh. “What’s wrong, Hyun?”

Oh, but you don’t want to start a fight. Things are perfectly fine and secure this way, in the comfort of her arms.

But you don’t want to lie either.

“It’s just Seulgi,” you say honestly. You feel her hand tighten around your waist, not possessively. It’s more like a silent plea. “We just haven’t seen her in months, Wan. That’s all.” You assure her.

It’s her turn to sigh, “I know. I miss her too.”

You missing Seulgi goes without saying. Of course, you miss her. She is your best friend after all.

“Try to message her,” Seungwan suggests.

“We both know she’s going to leave me on read again.”

“She leaves us all on read.” Seungwan leans into your shoulder and playfully bites you. You stifle a giggle. “The sunset looks good today. Maybe Seul’s mood is as good as well.”

There’s no logical connection to that but you cave in. The moment you grab your phone from the bedside table, Seungwan kisses your cheek then excuses herself back to the kitchen to clean up the mess she made there.

You stare at your last conversation with Seulgi. It’s barely even a conversation when you left five messages and got nothing in return. You start typing - random gibberish words - then you stop. What am I even going to say?

You don’t want to come off too strong. So you type instead: Can we talk?

You wait. You distract yourself and go to the kitchen to help Seungwan in cleaning up. She has the brightest smile when she sees you descend the stairs. And you can’t help but wonder.

You always wonder how, why and what. How is she so in love with you? Why can’t she stop showing it in every little thing she does? What did you even do to deserve her?

You stop thinking deeply about it. She doesn’t like it when you think too much because of her.

Fifteen minutes.

You glance at your phone. Nothing. Nada.

Twenty minutes.

Maybe the message is too plain and short. So you try again with a hint of desperation this time: Please, Seulgi.

You and Seungwan cuddle on the couch, watching a movie you’ve put off since last week.

Then, your phone vibrates in your pocket. You shift a little. The surprised expression on your face doesn’t go unnoticed by your wife-to-be.

“Did she reply?” Seungwan asks.

“Yeah,” you answer, glancing at your phone then at her. Asking some sort of permission. She removes the warmth of her hand on your waist. “Thank you,” you give her a peck on the lips and sit up comfortably.

What about?

Not over the phone. Meet me at our usual spot tomorrow?

Your usual spot. The coffee shop near the school where you spent four years of high school. They always make the best red velvet cupcakes that you loved from the first bite.

Okay is her only reply. You don’t know what to make of it. Does she really want to meet up?

But you take the opportunity anyway.

10am.

You place your phone on the table and go back to being embraced by Seungwan’s arms. You feel her kiss on the back of your head. You smile.

The rumors started spreading around during the first day of your senior year when people in your school found out about you kissing a girl during summer break. You didn’t know who started it or how they even found out. Some people just couldn’t stay away from your life, you guess. Maybe because they got none and yours was far more interesting.

People asked and you didn’t even deny it. Why would you deny something true anyway? It was one of the best things to ever happen in your life.

(You kissed Kim Yongsun, a girl from another class. Not that you would ever kiss and tell.)

What matters was that you discovered something about yourself.

You like girls.

You remain unbothered. Because, really, who ing cares?

Then again, maybe the gossips were not as bad as you thought they were.

You liked the attention you get, most especially from the girls on your campus. They left some notes of praise and confessions on your locker and on your seat. Basically, anything that you own.  You walked down the hallway alone that day and you heard a sophomore girl squealing before handing you a box of cake. You accepted it with many thanks. The girl almost fainted.

You didn’t crave the attention but you learned to like it somehow. Mainly because there’s no use if you let anger and worry consume you. So you just let it be.

The second day was a bit lighter than the first. The attention felt like freedom now. You let them gossip about you. It will die down eventually because honestly it’s not even a big deal to your family so why should it be to strangers?

Some heads turned when you entered the library. Some with hopeful expressions, some wistful and jealous. You ignored it. You didn’t let some judging eyes take power over your thoughts. You sauntered in the fiction section. A smile crept across your face when your hand brushed against a familiar book. You read it once or twice over the summer break. You took it.

You contemplated on where to sit. Every table was crowded with groups of girls and boys. Except for one.

So you sat there. You sat across an unaccompanied girl. You haven’t seen her before so you assumed she’s a freshman.

You could almost feel her eyes all over your face but when you tried to meet her gaze, she looks away.

Finally, on the third time she lifts her head up from scanning a geography book, you caught her staring at you.

You smiled.

She blinked.

During your four years in high school, you never missed attending school competitions, especially ones that involved visual arts. It’s probably because you’re admittedly not a good artist and you wanted to know how they do it. How do these people just think what to create and their hands actually mirror what they think? It is both unfair and fascinating.

The minute the artists finished and had their mural paintings on display, you already saw who’s got the edge on the competition - that tall freshman you sat across to in the library once. You also saw her win the poster-making three weeks ago.

Your instincts were proven right when the announcement of winners happened.

First place: Kang Seulgi.

Last year of high school finished in a flash and before you know it, you’re jumping round and round the hallway because you got accepted in your dream university. The day before your graduation, Kim Taeyeon, your cousin, dropped by to personally congratulate you for it. You went out with her - her treat - in this newly opened coffee shop owned by her girlfriend, Tiffany.

When you got back to school for the last graduation march practice, you found your lockers filled with sticky notes and some handwritten letters. You called Taeyeon about it. She laughed and during your graduation day, she gave you a paper bag, insisting you bring all of it home so you two could read it together. And you did as what you’re told.

You put the last letter on the paper bag and from the corner of your eye, you could see that you got a certain freshman girl’s attention. At some point, you thought she’s going to approach you. But someone else had called her and asked for help.

You can’t help the disappointment that washed over your face.

During your graduation party, you and Taeyeon read every single love notes and handwritten letters that you received. But none of it really captured your heart. At least, Taeyeon laughed at some of it like there’s no tomorrow.

You just moved into your college dorm. You shared a room with a girl named, Ahn Heeyeon. Later, you found out she prefers to be called “Hani” and so that’s what you called her. She’s beautiful, kind and interesting to talk to. She had so many stories to tell and you just know that this girl would make it big in the broadcasting industry someday. You hoped you will too.

Hani dyed her hair red two months before the semester starts. She convinced you to dye yours too. You chose purple.

Maybe it’s nostalgia, maybe it’s just boredom. But you found yourself taking a bus back to your town one day. You stopped by the coffee shop Tiffany owns. You scanned the sweets on display. Why did you even bother when you’re going to choose the same thing anyway?

Without looking, you tugged an employee’s arm gently. “Hi, I’ll take one of this please.” You pointed at the red velvet cupcake on display. “And also a strawberry latte.”

“O - okay,” came the girl’s stuttering reply.

You’re on the counter and about to pay for your order and it took you by surprise when you see who the employee was: Kang Seulgi.

Seulgi handed you the receipt and you wanted to say thanks but she quickly proceeded to make your order. You sat on a table for two in the corner and took out a book, "Kim Ji Young, Born 1982", from your bag.

You’re on your fifth page when Seulgi approached your table and said, “Here’s your order.” She carefully transfers your order from her tray and to your table. “Do you need anything else?”

“No. Thank you, Seulgi,” you answer with a smile.

You saw her hand tremble and the tray almost s