You are on the roof again because it’s just one of those days. One of those days where you feel too much and not enough, where silence and noises mix up, where your mind battles against your heart. It’s one of those days where you need an escape, an exit, a stop. You are thankful for the architecture of your family house for giving you this space, at least. This is your space. It’s not big but it’s enough for you to lie down and stare at the orange-purple sky above.

She would have loved this view, you suddenly think.

Your eyes close for a moment, pretending she’s right beside you. Like she always had been. Like she should have been now too.

If you close your eyes for a longer time, you can almost feel her soft hands your cheeks. It’s calming. You don’t know how she does it but her touch can stop the storms in your head and you’ve always been grateful for that.

You open your eyes and in a breath. You had your eyes closed for a while and the colors of sunset have already vanished. You miss it.

You miss her.

No one appreciates the skies as much as she does. At first, you didn’t get her fascination. She once told you that the skies vary in different places.  For you, all skies were the same wherever you go, no matter what day and what kind of weather it is. Yes, it may change colors but it will still be white and blue at some point.

But you realize now that she’s right. You get it now.

You hear your mother call you for dinner but you politely decline, stating you’re still full from the snack you had earlier this afternoon, which is a lie. You haven’t eaten since yesterday morning but your stomach doesn’t complain. Maybe it complained a couple of times … but you ignored all of those times. At this point, you think you might throw up if you shove any food down your throat.

“Seulgi-yah! Eat something!” You hear her not-so-gentle reminder in the back of your mind. It makes you smile a little.

Then the smile fades when you realize that although it is something she would say, it doesn’t sound like her at all. You clamp your fingers into white-knuckled vise-grips. You are starting to forget her voice. That can’t happen.

So you close your eyes again and focus on the memories of her, trying to recall her voice - encouraging, eloquent, soft.

A small smile appears on your face. Along with a few tears that roll down on the side of your head.

You quickly wipe the tears. She hates it when you cry. Unless, of course, it’s because you’re laughing too much.

There’s nothing to laugh about today though.

Suddenly, you feel a vibration in your pocket. It’s your phone. Surprise washes over your face when you saw a message coming from her.

Can we talk? It says.

You don’t respond immediately because even if it’s a question answerable by yes or no, you still don’t know what to answer.

It’s been four months, almost five, since the last time you’ve seen her. She might as well just be a ghost from your past. But it’s not her fault. It’s yours.

It was a warm night and you just arrived at your friend’s upper-class apartment for a girls’ night, something the five of you always do to keep in touch no matter how busy and hectic everyone’s schedule may be. It happens at least once a week and you never missed it because even though you’ll never say it out loud, these people are your constant.

You help the youngest, Yerim, prepare the food. Quite thankful that Sooyoung didn’t let her do the cooking because the last time you ate something she made, you got indigestion.

When the table is finally set, you sit on the stairs with Yerim. She had that nervous look in her eyes and you asked what’s wrong but she only shook her head. You pretended to believe at first because there’s no use of forking the truth out of her. She hated it when she’s forced to say something she doesn’t want to voice out and you’re not going to do that.

So you just quietly wait for two more of your friends to arrive.

A twist on the doorknob then the front door opens.

“I’m getting married!” An excited voice disturbs the quiet living room of Sooyoung’s apartment.

Joohyun, your best friend in the whole wide world, held up her left hand to reveal a circular band with sparkling diamond - 2 carats is your guess - encircling her ring finger.

Next to her, Seungwan, your friend since high school and roommate in college, stood with an arm around Joohyun’s waist. “She said yes!” Her tone matching the excitement of Joohyun’s voice.

You felt your heart fall and shatter.

Yerim glanced at you with sad eyes before running towards the two newly engaged couple and embracing both of them in a tight hug. Sooyoung joined too.

You’re still sitting on the stairs where your world turned into debris.

They looked at you.

“Seulgi-yah! Group hug!” Joohyun called.

How can you refuse when she looks at you like that?

The answer is you don’t. You never did. You simply cannot.

So you stood up and give her what she wanted. You hugged her. Just her. Hoping that your shattered heart will be mended by her embrace. It didn’t. It only breaks a little more when the others joined in. You masked your tears as tears of happiness. Maybe you’re good at masking your pain because … well, your friends believed you.

You shouldn’t have been surprised. Joohyun and Seungwan have been dating for a long time, maybe two years now or more, you don’t really keep counting. They sure as hell are not going to end up just braiding each other’s hair forever, right? They will either break up or get married. But you didn’t expect the latter.

The dinner was awkward, at least for you. Seungwan talked about how nervous she was about doing the proposal. Her hands sweat so much beforehand. Joohyun’s first reaction when Seungwan knelt with a ring in hand was to lightly hit her arm while laughing and tearing up at the same time. Seungwan was scared she wouldn’t say 'yes'.

“Unnie, what the - ? You couldn’t have just said yes first before hitting her?” Sooyoung laughs.

You pretended to be busy munching on food even if you don’t really have an appetite anymore. Because if you’re going to just keep quiet, you might as well be repleted, right?

After dinner, the five of you watched Netflix in the living room. The newly engaged couple sat on the carpet; Joohyun’s head is leaning against Seungwan’s shoulder. Sooyoung sat comfortably on her massage chair with a popcorn in hand while you lied down on the long sofa, head against Yerim’s lap.

Seungwan stole a kiss from Joohyun.

You couldn’t stop the tears that blurred your vision. But you were grateful that you can at least say it’s because of the stupid sad movie.

Yerim gently your hair. “It’s okay, unnie,” you heard her mumble.

You don't hate any of your friends. Not really.

It would have been easier if you did though.

But no, you do not hate them. You hate yourself.

You kept in touch with them but you stopped going to girls’ nights after that.

You are still staring at your phone as if it would magically compose a reply.

Another minute and you decide to leave it on read.

Your phone vibrates again. A new message appears.

Please, Seulgi.

Joohyun rarely begs, you know that. But when she does, she clearly is desperate and when she’s desperate, there’s no stopping her.

This might take forever if you ignore her.

You sigh.

What about? is what you replied.

Not over the phone. Meet me at our usual spot tomorrow?

The coffee shop downtown that makes the best red velvet cupcake. That’s you and Joohyun’s usual spot since she was eighteen and you were fifteen. It’s been months since you last stopped by.

Okay, you simply message back.

10am.

You already regret your decision.

When you transferred to this school, the first gossip you heard was about a senior girl named Bae Joohyun. Something about her being into girls. You heard one hopeful girl in the hallway already planning on how to ask the girl out. It’s what everyone was talking about on your first day.

You didn’t get what’s the big deal with that. You believe people’s ualities shouldn’t be other people’s business.

You didn’t get what’s the big deal until Bae Joohyun herself sauntered on the library the next day. You recognize her because the guy from the next table was being a little too loud about it.

Her hands brushed on the books displayed in the fiction section. She grabbed “The Price of Salt” by Patricia Highsmith. You weren’t surprised.

But you were surprised when she sat across from you.

Now that you are face-to-face with her, you finally get what’s the big deal about Bae Joohyun liking girls. She’s one of those girls with “Do I wanna be you or do I wanna be on you?” vibe.

She was a magnet and your eyes are ferromagnetic.

Bae Joohyun smiled.

You blinked.

That was the only interaction you had with her for the rest of your freshman year because she’s finally free of high school and off to college. During her graduation day, you saw her locker filled up with love notes, both from boys and girls. Mostly girls. She picked it all up with a smile and put in a small paper bag to take home. You wanted to congratulate her but your foreign friend, the mid-year transferee, called you for help to rearrange some club bulletin board.

It’s not like your congratulations will matter to her anyway. She doesn’t even know you.

You let it go.

Summer break only meant a break from school. You wished it meant a break from life in general, too. Because today you just want to stay at home and rest. But you can’t even do that. Your summer job started yesterday in this new coffee shop two blocks away from your school.

You reminded yourself not to complain. The job wasn’t even that hard and it will pay well. By the end of your contract, maybe you’d finally be able to afford those new sneakers you saw in the mall last week.

All your future complaints crashed and burned when a purple-haired girl dressed in simple white shirt and black leggings entered the coffee shop. She may have dyed her hair but you were a hundred percent sure who it was. Bae Joohyun.

She scanned the sweets on display. You couldn’t help but stare until another customer called your attention and asked for a glass of water.

You were about to get back to the counter. You were caught by surprise when a hand gently tugs your forearm. “Hi. I’ll take one of this please,” Joohyun pointed at the red velvet cupcake on display. “And also a strawberry latte.”

You swallowed nervously before nodding and punching in her order. She paid and sat on a table for two in the corner. Kim Jennie, your co-worker, was about to serve her order but you insisted on doing it instead.

“Here’s your order,” you said as you carefully put her orders down the table. “Do you need anything else?”

“No. Thank you, Seulgi.” She replied with a sweet smile.

The tray almost slipped out of your hand upon hearing her say your name. “I … you … you know me?”

“I sat across from you once in the library, right?”

You nodded dumbly. “I didn’t think you remembered.”