You check your watch. Four pm on the dot. You head towards the hospital in an enthusiastic stride then backtrack a bit. You weren’t too early right? Oh no, did you seem too eager? Did it matter though? You were just really excited to see Joohyun again. You smile to yourself. You’re acting like a teenage girl going on her first date again.

It feels a lot like that with Joohyun. Like everything was new and you were in for a ride. It was scary but you weren’t going to let that stop you this time. Joohyun was clearly talking about a date right? Okay stop, you were second guessing yourself again. This was normal but you weren’t going to dig deeper into the unfamiliarity of the situation.

You find yourself breaking away from your thoughts once you hear a commotion in the ER. Well, the ER was always noisy but this time it was rowdier because of two nurses you were very familiar with. You peer into the room and see none other than Jeongyeon and Jimin arguing in the nurse’s station with a sighing Joohyun in the middle looking clearly frustrated. 

You couldn’t help but chuckle at the image. Jimin looked like a really scared little boy with a really loud Jeongyeon on the other side and Joohyun looking like an exasperated parent. You approach slowly like you were entering the dragon’s dungeon and Joohyun notices you. You give her an amused smile and she returns a tired one.

“It was his fault! He always gets supplies from pedia without listing it down or at least telling me!” Jeongyeon argues in her loud voice.

“Because you look scary and always get mad at me.” Jimin says in the complete opposite way, gently and with fear in his voice.

Jeongyeon groans and was about to talk again but Joohyun beat her to it.

“Okay that’s enough.” She touches her temple in annoyance. “ Jimin, Jeongyeon isn’t scary. Just talk to her okay? She just likes to act tough.” She then turns to face Jeongyeon and you could see her visibly gulp. So even the all mighty Jeongyeon was scared of Joohyun huh?

“Jeongyeon. Stop. Being. Terrifying.” Joohyun’s voice sliced through coldly. “Or else I’m telling Nayeon you got into another fight. Got it?” She then smiles sweetly. Jeongyeon and Jimin both nod meekly. “Good.” She says in finality and just like that everything was good again. 

You approach the station cautiously and everything just seemed to light up with Joohyun smiling brightly as you get closer.

“Hey you.” Joohyun greets and even gives you a hug. “Sorry about that. They’re always at each other’s throats it’s getting rather tiresome.” So maybe you just let out a nervous chuckle because you weren’t expecting that hug but you weren’t one to complain. Not when Joohyun’s body was so warm and inviting.

“It’s okay. You handled it well actually.” You say as you two pull apart. You wanted to keep her closer but you weren’t sure if she would be comfortable about it especially since you two were still at the hospital in front of everyone’s prying eyes. “Ready to go?”

“Yeah.” Joohyun backtracks a bit then. “Do you mind if we drop by somewhere first?”

“Sure.”

--

You watch as Joohyun contemplates, stepping forward into the ICU then backwards again while biting her lower lip. She looked really distressed.

“Hey what’s up? Are you okay?” You go near her cradling her shoulder and you feel her tense muscles relax a bit upon your touch.

“Y-yeah. Could you maybe go in there with me?”

You point towards the ICU and she just nods. “Do you have to check on a patient first?”

“Something like that.”

You decided to just follow Joohyun then, your dynamic felt a bit like that. You’d blindly follow Joohyun anywhere as long as she was there too. God you’re whipped.

She takes ahold of your hand and pulls you inside. You two put on the gown and mask then head on over to a lone bed at the corner of the room where a woman lie by herself. She was asleep and obviously in a coma. You frown as you look at her face, why did she look so familiar?

“I operated on her eight months ago. She hasn’t woken up ever since.” Joohyun says in a solemn voice.

Right, you remember that day so well. Wheeling in the patient and watching as Joohyun ordered the staff around while you comforted her son who was crying not understanding what was happening around him.

Joohyun sighs then and abruptly walks back out.

“Joohyun! Wait up.” You run after her out of the ICU and catch her blankly staring out the window of the hospital hallway.

“I wasn’t able to bring her back Seulgi. I promised I would but I couldn’t. I wasn’t enough.” You watch as her face contorts into a grimace and you could see all the self-blame she placed on herself. You knew how it looked because you see that in your own face every single day in the mirror.

A voice comes into your head then, it was all too familiar. 

He died because of you.

You shake your head, now wasn’t the time for the skeletons in your closet to come out. Joohyun was more important right now. So it wasn’t a question anymore that you walked up to her and cupped her face forcing her look at you eye to eye. 

“S-seulgi?”

“It wasn’t your fault. It couldn’t be helped. You did your best.” You straightforwardly tell her.

“Wh-what?” 

“It’s my daily mantra. I guess we both have the same inner demons in that department.” You simply shrug and give her a small smile. “Now you say it too.”

“What? No, this is ridiculous.”

“Come on Joohyun, do it for me.”

Joohyun scoffs but does it anyway. “It wasn’t my fault. It couldn’t be helped. I did my best.” She says in her soft voice with slight embarrassment. 

This time a big bright smile breaks out. “Good.” You understood what Joohyun was feeling right now. The what ifs can kill your spirit. What if you did this, what if you were better, would the patient have been saved? But you learned in time that that wasn’t how it should be. Some things couldn’t be helped and it wasn’t your fault. You can’t and shouldn’t blame yourself for that. You’re not a god, you learned that the hard way.

He would still be alive if it weren’t for you.

An inner voice tells you again but you mute it out. Not today, not now.

Joohyun chuckles then and your focus was brought back to the beautiful woman in front of you. “Thank you Seulgi.” She leans into your touch and you suddenly realize your proximity and feel flustered but stay put. You even rub her cheek with your thumb. Her skin was so soft and she grounded you so easily. You wonder if she notices your own inner battles right now too. It was conflicting, things from your past were resurfacing but right now, Joohyun was your sole focus.

“Always remember that mantra okay?”

She nods and you two were about to head out when a boy walks up to the two of you.

“Miss doctor? Here, I’m sorry for bumping into you this morning.” He hands Joohyun a carton of milk and she accepts it with slightly trembling hands.

“You didn’t have to but thank you.”

“I’m sure my mom was happy that someone else aside from me visited her. Thank you miss doctor.” He bows then and runs inside the ICU before Joohyun could say more.

You put your arm around her shoulder and she leans into you clearly exhausted about the day’s events. You remember the boy so well but he looked so much more mature now and it pains you to think that he was forced to grow up because of his comatose mother. 

If you got to her earlier would you have saved her?

There it was again, the what ifs.

“It wasn’t your fault. It couldn’t be helped. You did your best.” Joohyun suddenly says and you look up to see her gazing at you so intensely.

“What?”

“I could see the war happening in your head too Seulgi. It’s okay, we all go through this.”

You’re really amazed by Joohyun. One moment ago you were comforting her, now she’s doing the exact same thing with you. It makes your stomach twist but in the best way if that was even possible.

“Thank you Joohyun.”

--

You thought the date would be lidded with heavy tension after what happened at the hospital but turns out that wasn’t the case. You and Joohyun just clicked in the best ways. Even with the slightest things like how her hand fits perfectly in yours after you finally got the courage to reach out and clasp them together while looki