You were so drunk that time and that I was there for you despite our time differences. We were in different places and continents to be exact, your time being thirteen hours left behind. But since I love talking to you these past few months, I sacrifice my sleep just so I could talk to you all the time. That is how am I as a person, willing to do whatever I can for the sake of those I care for, even if they do not do the same thing for me.

 

However, I fell asleep like the usual. It was already midnight here at my place while yours is still afternoon but it was cool since you perfectly understood the timezones we have and I am lucky because of that.

 

A few hours later, I remember it was 5am when you sent a certain message to which I did not expect receiving from you. It was obvious that you were sending me a message at your drunk state.

 

"You know, Kirimi... you were the last woman I really truly loved. If I could go back to the time we played and dared each other to see who falls in love first, I would rather lose the game, ask you to be mine and never let you go. It was one thing I regret not doing because I was so in love with you."

 

During those times, I recalled what happened to us exactly a year ago.

 

Flashback.

 

The day when we first met, I had no idea that you would mean so much to me. But I am glad that destiny allowed us to meet, even if there are ups and downs in our encounters. 

 

It was back in September 2016 when I first saw you. You were in search for friends and being the person who likes having companions and a lot of people to be with, I gathered the courage to approach you despite how famous you are becoming. I was just an ordinary girl and you seemed like a popular person especially towards the opposite so I was not really expecting you to notice me. I mean, you have a lot of people to give your attention to and I do not think you would actually waste your time on someone like me. No, I do not have a low self esteem. I am just being realistic and that being noticed by someone like you, boy meets girl, mostly happens in love stories and fiction only.

 

However, my pessimistic expectations were the exact opposite. You noticed me and we started talking until we are able to become friends in an instant. Yes, it escalated quickly, yet I am glad it happened that way. We became so comfortable with each other to the point that we ended up with a cliche bet.

 

"A deal between Kirimi Fujiwara and Kisumi Watanabe. Whoever falls in love, loses."

 

I smirked at that idea and agreed with you because there is no harm in trying and challenges somewhat give me thrills and excitements. You felt the same way too so we ended up playing that game.

 

We started being sweet to each other.

 

We check out how we have been these past few days.

 

We acted as a couple although everything is just a fan service to each other for weeks.

 

It was so far so good. But I had to admit that I am starting to like you. Then again, I have to keep my feelings because who knows, this is not really and you would most likely get your head in the game.

 

But when I started to decide that I should admit my feelings for you...

 

You were already in a relationship with someone else.

 

The deal was still ongoing back then and I was hindered from telling you my feelings because of that, obviously. It felt as if I lost and if ever I am going to confess, it is too late.

 

So I let it go, hoping feelings would fade away and we parted ways since you were busy with stuff anyway.

 

It did somehow, but I think fate is playing tricks on both of us because we kept on seeing each other again, going back as to how we were as friends while catching up. That is how we are, friends and never more than that.

 

End of Flashback.

 

••••••

 

I did not know what to reply because as far as I know, you never  thought of me as more than a friend you can talk to and I can rely on so it took me a while to respond to you.

 

"But you know what, Kisumi-kun? I am so glad we found each other. It is as if there is a purpose why we ended up like this all over again despite how busy we became."

 

I tried to play safe because I am not expecting anything especially that you are drunk. The chances are high that you will forget everything that you said to me.

 

"I just wanted you to know, Kirimi. There are still good guys that can and will fall in love with you. I am tired to see you hurt and I literally cannot deal with it. I know that you deserve the best of the best but jerks kept on taking you for granted."

 

So all along, you were like that of a guardian angel who kept on protecting me yet because I am devilish as ever, I end up with the wrong people, jerks to be exact.

 

My heart started beating fast all over again, having a realization to this feeling that is no longer foreign to me.

 

I was certain that my feelings for you came back to life.

 

But here I am, wanting to take time between things so I let your intoxication out first and I went back to sleep.

 

••••••

 

The best time to make a decision is when you cleared your mind already and able to relax after a tiring situation. Staying up all night just to talk to you makes me tired, but never of you.

 

"Hey, I fell asleep again. Sorry, Kisumi-kun."

 

"Kirimi, you are here. It is okay. I know it is late already at your place, though. I am in the United States but you are in Japan."

 

I did not think of another topic but rather, I started to interrogate you.

 

"Thanks, Kisumi-kun. Anyway, I have a question, though. If you do not mind."

 

You replied quickly after a few seconds.

 

"What is it, Kirimi?"

 

"Kisumi-kun... When you said that you were so in love with me, it was in the past because of the tense of the verb. What happened, though? What did I do to make the feelings of yours fade away?"

 

I wanted to know the answer from you but at the same time I fear of the response I am about to receive from you. But then again, the truth is better than to be fed with lies.

 

"Well, my feeling got less stronger for you, Kirimi, because we did not talk for a long time and when we came back to our previous inclinations, you were already taken by your previous boyfriends so I just moved on and saw you as a friend and no longer a lover."

 

Yes, I was taken by my previous boyfriends. I had two boyfriends and never did I have a clue that you were deeply in love with me. If I knew, things would probably be different from the way it is now.

 

"But I must be honest, I think of how we used to be back then and I imagine how would it have been and how things will turn out. At first, when we saw each other again, I was still ing in love with you but I never let it see through, Kirimi."

 

It was a spontaneous moment for the both of us, indeed. For the moment, I thought you never had an interest in me. Well, like what I have said, I am an ordinary girl after all.

 

Should I confess, that I have feelings for you?

 

Because to be honest, I still do. Even if the amount changes from time to time, sometimes 10%, 50% or 100%, the feelings never fade away.

 

Maybe I should. For the moment, this should be my chance because I never admitted what my feelings were.

 

"I never let it see through because you were taken back then, Kirimi."

 

You said those in response and I got myself questioning. But now that I am currently single, what could possibly go wrong—?

 

"So Kisumi, does it mean that I do not have a problem at all? It kind of broke my heart when you were in a relationship back then. I just did not tell you because it was too late and I had to admit that because of my pride, I did not want you to find me as someone who easily falls. So yeah, from that day on, I decided to move on. Yet, my heart whispered, "Damn, here we go again." when our paths crossed again. However, I still did not end up with you, but rather with guys who are jerks and I assumed you had feelings for someone else so I decided to let it all fade away."

 

I was already eager to confess and I am just waiting for a response. Please accept my confession.

 

I— I want to tell you that—

 

••••••

 

"In a relationship with—"

 

"Damn, I love her."

 

I saw your relationship status on Facebook and you were once again taken by someone else. Reading those things, especially how much you loved her, instantly hit my heart like somebody did not hesitate to pull the trigger of the gun they are holding. My heart shattered into pieces and I held my chest a little.

 

"But anyway, I am happy you found someone who you will love wholeheartedly. I wish you all the best and I guess we are meant to be friends instead. I have to go now, please take care, Kisumi."

 

I just said those because it was hurting me. Why cannot it be the right time for the both of us?

 

"Kirimi, I was never in love with someone else but you until now."

 

Until now that you are in a relationship with someone else.

 

"There is nothing wrong with you. The previous relationship I had is just fake and it would just make you jealous, Kirimi."

 

I really do not get it why people think making someone jealous is good. It only makes someone think why they are not good enough.

 

"But Kisumi, it made me sad when you seem to have a crush on someone else and when she is treating you in a rude manner."

 

I revealed those words because it reminded me of how you were trying to hard to make your crush notice you. I did not say that it hurts but yeah, I tried to be fine.

 

"I just really want to capture your attention. That person is my crush. My feelings for you Kirimi are love."

 

"I was jealous, Kisumi. But we are not together and I think I do not have a right because you are not mine anyway so I just kept it all in."

 

The confessions still continued even if it is already too late between us. He should know at least. I am not expecting him to love me despite all that, I just want to let all out the feelings I have been keeping for a long time now.

 

"So it has been the same all over between you and I, Kirimi. We both loved each other but we never said it because we thought the other did not feel the same."

 

I heaved a sigh, knowing that it has always been a wrong time for the both of us.

 

"I thought you were in love with someone else so I just remained as your friend up until now and here we are, Kisumi."

 

"I did the same, Kirimi. We always wake up when it is too late."

 

Too late for everything. A mere indication that we had a right love at a wrong time. Or perhaps a wrong love, but at the right time.

 

"No wonder why I am so mad every time I knew someone hurt you."

 

You continued with your words furthermore and tears started to fall right down in my eye.

 

"I don't know if I make sense, Kisumi. I cannot think straight at all."

 

"You do make sense, Kirimi. In addition, I can relate to what you said because every time I see you taken or tell me stories about your crushes and your boyfriends, I was extremely hurt and jealous at the same time. I never let it show because as far as I know, I burned my chances in being with you already. But like you said, I never gave up on you and I always stayed by your side, telling you back then that no matter how many people turned their backs on you, I will always be by your side, holding your hand. I mean everything I said."

 

I know Kisumi is not the type who will make a fool out of me and I can feel the sincerity in his words. However, I kept on wondering...

 

You told me all these things just now, why only at this time?

 

"Kisumi, it did not seem that you were jealous and hurt so I was surprised knowing that you used to be in love with me. I do not really expect people to fall in love with me for it was almost impossible. You hide things well."

 

Honestly, I am not the type of woman who would assume things. I want it to be said right in front of my face rather than to waste my time and play guessing games.

 

"Yes, I hide well. I could be crying my life out and become completely wasted because of every I experience and if I do not want to let it show, even you, Kirimi, would not even know."

 

"I ing hate you, Kisumi. You are just making things hard for me and I could not do anything but to fulfill my urge of hearing you out before I let you go."

 

I let out a sigh and prayed for miracles to happen, that maybe somehow, love will find a way for both of us.

 

If we cannot end up with each other now, may we, in the future?

 

But that is a huge wishful thinking, as if I am waiting for his new relationship to end already.

 

"Kirimi, the moment you confessed to me how you felt for me, guilt instantly lingered within me. First, I regret that I was not able to kiss you when I had the chance. Second, I was unable to tell you how much I have always loved you. Third, I was unable to take you in my arms and never let anyone else come close when you were hurting. I regret up until now."

 

Why did I only knew about these things when it is too late? When we can no longer be together? All that is left are remnants of the past and regrets.

 

"That was the reason why I wondered what made you fall out of love with me. I got mad at your previous crush for breaking your heart but I just put up a facade. I just shut my mouth because I was aware you like that person and when I get mad, I just could not control my mouth. Kisumi-kun, I loved you."

 

"I think this is a misunderstanding between both of us that made me fall out of love with you, Kirimi. None of us really confessed, keeping it both to ourselves and secretly being jealous."

 

We are never meant to be at all.

 

"I also thought that if I mentioned other people might notice me more but I thought you only see me as a friend. I wish you all the best, I know she will make you happier, Kisumi."

 

I said those with bitterness, yet I have to wish you all the best.

 

"Damn, if I knew back then all these things, I would have confessed to you right away and you would have been mine and the happiest woman alive, Kirimi."

 

Kisumi, it is already too late. Even if we fill ourselves with wishful thinking, it will never change the fact that you now belong to someone else. Stop making it so hard for me to let you go when all I ever want is to hold on and never let you go.

 

"Kisumi-kun, I really wanted you to be happy because you found someone to love but, my heart hurts."

 

I could not believe that I am pretending to be happy. But what can I do when it is no longer possible for us?

 

Unless you decide to stay with me and let go of that girl.

 

Leave her and stay with me, Kisumi. I had your heart first.

 

"I understand how you feel, Kirimi."

 

I do not need your understanding.

 

I want you, this is all I ever ask.

 

But who am I kidding?

 

How can I think of something selfish, depriving you currently of what makes you happy?

 

It is as if I am an antagonist, wanting you to do such selfish acts without thinking of your sake.

 

That is not me. Kirimi is not meant to be that way.

 

"But it's too late, Kisumi, I should have said it beforehand."

 

Even if I show my guilt for several times in a row, this is something I cannot control. All I am capable of is controlling myself and how I deal with things.

 

"But even so, you will still receive a special place in my heart even if I am taken."

 

You are just merely telling me to stay, Kisumi. By telling me that, it is loud and clear that you ate selfish with your words.

 

"It would have been... Oh well, I have to go now. Congratulations and I do not want to cry while we are talking here."

 

"Kirimi, I also want to be honest that I loved you so hard— in a hardcore manner that I do not think I could even erase completely my feelings for you. Before you go, may we be able to say 'I love you' for the last time?"

 

How selfish, Kisumi. There is another girl who already loves you yet you still want to hear me say that. It is unfair for both the girl and I.

 

"I suddenly hated myself for not being able to become honest with my feelings. When I joked around about asking you to be my boyfriend, I thought you got the hint already. Unfortunately, you were clueless and I could have been more serious. I cannot say I love you all over again because chances are, I may not be able to let you go."

 

"The same goes for me, Kirimi."

 

If it was hard to let me go in the first place, why did you fell out of love and ended up with someone else?

 

"But I have to be happy for you even if it hurts because loving someone is wanting them to become happy even if you are not a part of their happiness. So please, let me leave for good so I can heal my heart and move on from this tragedy."

 

I guess this is the only option left. As much as I love you, I have limits and I get tired too as a human.

 

"Look, Kirimi. I will take back what I said. I once told you I will stick to your side no matter what happens and I mean it."

 

"What do you want to happen, Kisumi? Honestly, I have no idea what to do anymore."

 

I suddenly became blunt with my words. Hatred and pain is all I am feeling at the moment. I never thought love would give more pain than how blissful people think it would be.

 

"If you want to cry, curse or hurt me, do it. I would neither leave nor fight back. I am here and will always be here for you, Kirimi."

 

"Sorry, Kisumi. If I did all that I would end up hurting myself as well, more than how hurt I am right now. Normally at times like this, I want to leave and just move on. However, with our current situation, I cannot move a single muscle."

 

That is because my mind and my heart are contradicting each other. My mind tells me to leave and move on because I deserve more than this but my heart still loves him.

 

"I understand. I do not want to hurt you or even force you. If you want to take a step back to put your broken pieces back together then you can. However, I will still be waiting for you to come back and talk to me, Kirimi."

 

Until when, Kisumi? No one knows when my heart would heal. It is only the heart who would be able to determine that.

 

"Kisumi, I thought it will be okay thinking that I will be fine just to see you happy but unfortunately, I found myself tearing up."

 

This is not what I want.

 

This is not what I planned.

 

"Kirimi, it is understandable. I was in the same situation as you are. It burns, is it not?"

 

"I am such an idiot, Kisumi."

 

"Kirimi is not an idiot. Do not say that to yourself."

 

An idiot for missing out on all the chances.

 

An idiot for assuming things.

 

An idiot only to realize that everything is too late.

 

"I do not know anymore, Kisumi. , if I distance myself, I will also get hurt. But it will also hurt if I stay in touch with you. No matter what I do, I felt, am feeling and will feel the pain."

 

"One day at a time, Kirimi until you feel better. You may ignore me and I will give you time."

 

I shook my head and negated what he wanted me to do.

 

"No, Kisumi. I deserve this for hurting you as well. No wonder I ended up with jerks."

 

"I have not made any sense, have I? You never hurt me, Kirimi. It was myself who did because I kept it all in. I should have confessed to you back then when we had a bet on whoever falls in love, loses. I lost, Kirimi. Currently, I am literally losing you."

 

"Do not worry, Kisumi. I am used to the pain to the point that I find myself pleased feeling it. I am much more surprised when I am happy."

 

Yes, I am a cherophobic. I am someone who is afraid to be extremely happy because sadness will come eventually.

 

"Kirimi, I was the one at fault, not you."

 

"Kisumi, it is fine. You are now in love with someone else so you should not regret anything. If it were not for those things, you would not be able to meet your lover. I will try to be okay."

 

Of course, these were all lies. I am not okay and I do not know if I will still be in the future.

 

"I moved on somehow from you, Kirimi because I thought you did as well. If we would have said all these before, we would have been official and still together until now."

 

Kisumi, stop dwelling in the past. We are already in the present and this is a mere indication that we do not belong in each other's future.

 

"I need a break from everything especially you, Kisumi."

 

"But— even if we are together or not, you mean so ing much to me. I never want to lose you and I will never completely stop loving you."

 

Tears suddenly ran down and blurred my vision a little. It hurts so much, I do not know what to say.

 

"Why am I such a crybaby— , this is all your fault, Kisumi."

 

"I will cherish our friendship like a pearl and , I am crying as well, Kirimi. We are even. I know to my heart that I have always loved you, always will. Whether or not it is friendship, I will always feel a sense of huge protection and love for you and it will remain strong."

 

This is a never ending cycle and the pain is just too strong. I should put this into an end.

 

"Although it is difficult, I still want you to be happy even if it is not with me because you deserve it. This is stupid but, I do not want to have feelings for now and temporarily close my heart."

 

"As much as it hurts me to say this, the best thing to do for now is to take a step back, Kirimi. Do not talk to me— do any means possible to avoid me until you are able to put your pieces back together. This is the best solution."

 

By best solution, the pain remains inevitable as I realize it.

 

I must find a way to end the pain that I am feeling.

 

"I do not want to hurt you, Kisumi. I would rather be the one in pain instead of you hurting. I should just go and allow you to be happy because you should with the one you love. I will be fine so please do not worry about me. Maybe this is not really the time for both of us. It may possibly happen someday or maybe never but— who knows? But let me say this for the first and last time—"

 

I purposely ended the sentence in that manner and took a deep breath to tell him the rest.

 

"Kisumi-kun, I loved you, I love you and I will always love you. But unfortunately, I have to let you go. I am leaving because I want you to be free and happy. If I was not able to make you happy, I am pretty sure she will. That should be me, but I was a fool. Until we meet again."

 

But seriously, I hope we never meet again after all the pain that I felt.

 

"You are wrong, Kirimi. You are my happiness and I love being with you whether we are friends or more than that. I would not be able to accept if you walk out of my life because of this. You are the only person that knows the true me and played a huge role in my life. Although I am with my girlfriend, I would not be happy if it means not being beside you. I must have you around so I wanted to give you time. Please, promise me that you will come back. Kirimi, you need to come back..."

 

"Kisumi, it would just be troublesome having me around."

 

"Not at all, Kirimi! It is actually the opposite. It would be troublesome without you around. I will catch you, no matter what."

 

"Kirimi?"

 

"I am begging you, please stay with me, Kirimi."

 

I stopped replying afterwards and blocked him. This will never end if I kept on replying to him.

 

Afterwards, I blocked him in all my social media accounts, wanting not to hear anything from him anymore. If I do not stop the cause of my pain, it will continue on destroying me.

 

As much as I wanted to stay in your life, I cannot do so, Kisumi. Being a martyr or a masochist is not what I deserve.

 

I guess we are never meant to be.

 

By saying all these, remember that it took me tons of courage to end up with this decision.

 

Letting go hurts.

 

But holding on to something that never and would not belong to me hurts more.

 

So now, I am letting you go.

 

Kisumi Watanabe, I loved you.

 

I love you.

 

And I will always love you.

 

But it is time to let you go and let someone else take my place in making you happy.

 

I will cherish all the memories we have and I thank fate and destiny for letting us meet and I hope you do the same.

 

Sometimes, we meet people not because they are meant to stay with us for a lifetime. Rather, we meet them because they are to give us lessons or maybe we are needed in their lives and our purpose is to change them and give color to their dull worlds. We could not tell at first, but time will make you realize. By the time you have to let go, it is not really the end of the world. Instead, it is the end of either ours or their purpose and chapters in each other's lives.

 

Therefore, this is the end between Kirimi and Kisumi. But a new chapter in our lives is about to open.

 

E N D