Months later she met Kian84.

He was beyond peculiar, and definitely not her type.

And he had a crush on her.

It was pretty obvious, since Narae was an expert at that field herself.

She thought, at first, he was only acting up to gain more screen time for the variety show he was starring with her, I Live Alone, but his shy and painful awkwardness around her continued even after shooting was over.

She looked over at him thoughtfully as she nibbled on the corner of her sandwich. What would she do if he confessed? He seemed decent enough, if it weren’t for the fact that he had hygiene issues and constantly displayed random ignorance. But men were naturally unhygienic and Narae wasn’t too much of a clean freak herself. As for his stupidity, she thought it was rather cute.

But if he had a crush on her, why wasn’t he confessing?

She’d accept, if only he’d asked. After countless of rejections, Narae learned to avoid making the first move.

And why was he so in denial? She’d accuse him of harboring feelings for her, in a lightweight, joking manner, quite often during the shoot, and he’d aggressively deny.

Why go through that extent?

Maybe she’d have to nudge harder. “How is Choongjae, Kian oppa?”

“Again?” His eyes narrowed. “Are you in love with him?”

Narae chuckled, delighted that he was still displeased whenever she mentioned her variety show ship, even during personal meet ups. “It was out of genuine curiosity. Nothing more, nothing less.”

“I’m sorry I’m not him,” he said, before taking a bite out of his own sandwich.

“Don’t say that,” Narae stated, feeling content at the light hearted atmosphere. “I’m very glad you aren’t him.” She shot him her best smile, and watched his face flush.

“Why do you say things like that?” He focused on his half eaten sandwich, contemplating. He took another bite and swallowed, before admitting, “I am, too.”

She looked at him, mildly surprised. He was unusually bold today- usually he was quick to deny, despite his red ears. Feeling confident, she declared, “You have feelings for me, oppa, don’t you?”

Just as she expected, he started choking on his sandwich. “Wh- what- no, I don’t. Why do you say things like that?”

Making fun from teasing him, she continued, “But everyone knows, oppa. And who else in their right state of mind would agree to marry a woman he has no feelings for? I mean- what if I had actually won the Grand Prize?”

He glared at her, although a smile was itching on his lips. “You’re the one who first announced to the viewers that you’d marry me if you won the Grand Prize. I was just being gentle manly about it.”

Narae snorted. “Stop playing hard to get.”

He grinned. “I’m not playing hard to get, I am hard to get.” He reached out to brush a fluff away from a strand of her hair, making Narae’s eyes nearly pop out.

“I always forget how smooth you can be,” she comments, brow arched.

“It’s the ratted up slippers and my uneven hair,” Kian sighed.

“If only you had a girlfriend to take care of you,” Narae pointed out, smiling to herself.

Kian’s face erupted in color. “Excuse me, but do you make a living out of teasing me?”

“If I did, I’d have been a millionaire.”

She didn’t love him. She knew because the feelings she felt for him was nothing like what she felt for Sechan. She wasn’t even sure if she liked him.

As a person, most definitely. As a lover? She didn’t know.

As days passed, she wasn’t even sure if he liked her back, like she was confident he did in the past.

She found herself becoming more self conscious whenever people mentioned him in front of her, laughing, teasing, questioning.

She first enjoyed all the attention, but the less surer she got, the more anxious she became.

After all, Kian84 has become quite popular since the MBC award ceremony this year. He was cute, boyish and innocent, and- and- masculine, in the times where you’d least expected it. He’d attract more attention from women far prettier than she, she knew.

She hated admitting it, but this disturbed her more than it should.

“How do you feel about your popularity coming to rise this year?” Narae asked, when the atmosphere shifted to awkward silence. “Surprised that not all the comments in your SNS are negative, aren’t you?”

Kian laughed, maybe longer than he normally would. “I had fans from before.”

Narae smiled dryly, “I see. Your webtoon viewers.”

The corner of his mouth curved. “That’s right.”

Narae rolled her eyes. “Well, look whose ego inflated with his popularity.”

Kian opened his mouth to reply with a witty remark when Narae’s phone let out an angry buzz, its vibrations lingering in the back pocket of her denim jeans.

Narae looked at Kian apologetically, and he nodded carelessly in response, giving her the unsaid permission to use her phone.

This felt strangely like a date.

Feeling good with spending quality time flirting, Narae picked up her phone in a cheerful manner, “Hi. This is Park Narae.”

The voice from the other end nearly made her drop the phone. Her knees buckled, and she could’ve sworn she’d have fallen over, if she didn’t notice the way Kian looked at her.

He was holding her with his gaze.

It made her feel self conscious, knowing that he was paying attention to every single movement, thing she was saying. Her rejection from Sechan was one of her most vulnerable moments, and speaking with him on the phone in front of Kian made her feel as if she were stripped down, completely , exposed to her bare bones.

Determined not to show Sechan and Kian her discomfort, she greeted him as indifferently as she could, “Sechan, how are you? Your phone number came as unknown. You must’ve gotten a new phone number.”

“Doing fine as usual. I dropped my old phone in Dokie’s water bowl, so I had to get a new one. How are you yourself, noona?”

“I’m great. I’ve been getting busier, but alcohol helps me through.”

“Again with the drinking, noona. I saw you were nominated for the Grand Prize for the MBC award ceremony- congratulations. I know how much that means to you.”

“Thank you. Being nominated alone is such a great honor to me- but now I’ve gained bigger expectations of winning the Grand Prize, you see. Might lead to false hopes, har har. Don’t know if that’ll benefit me in anyway.”

“You will, noona. You’re the funniest woman I know. And what state of mind were you in when you promised the whole nation that you’d marry Kian hyung if you’re given the Grand Prize? For all we’ve known- you could’ve.”

“Don’t remind me. I wasn’t in the right state of my mind. To wed myself to a man who thought that Jeju Island had a capital, tsk.”

Laughter echoed from her phone. “Crazy, isn’t it? Kian hyung is crazy himself for promising himself he’d wed to you. I mean, to you, noona. All that for publicity.” Some more laughing.

Narae suddenly grew ice cold, and felt closing up.

Sechan was only joking, of course. She knew he’d apologize immediately, at once, if he knew just how hurt she was from his careless remark.

He probably expected her to joke back, or protest, in a laughable manner.

Clowns aren’t supposed to have pride. Their career involves having people laughing at them.

Still, it burns to have someone you love treating you like a clown.

“Se- sechan. I’m actually seeing someone right now, and I have to hang up pretty soon.”

“I’m sorry for keeping you up, noona. I didn’t know. Well, take care- I’ll see you soon.”

“Bye.”

She hung up the phone, staring quietly at the ground. If Kian noticed the shift in her mood, he didn’t say anything.

They were quiet like that, for a while.

The silence wasn’t awkward, as if had been earlier. It was comfortable, as if they both realized that they both needed a moment to rethink their actions, to plan how they’d act next.

Surprisingly, it was Narae who decided to break the silence. “I don’t feel like watching a movie, oppa. I know we ate just minutes ago, but how about we go for a drink?”

Kian opened his mouth, his eyes still thinking. Narae knew Kian wasn’t much of a drinker himself, and he probably had mountains of loads to draw for his webtoon.

But as he looked down at her, far smaller than he, her nose bright red from the cold, all he said was, “Fine.”

Narae had gone out to eat with Kian more than a couple of times in the past, but she never went out to drink with him, one on one.

Even though he wasn’t much of a drinker nor talker, he was a fabulous listener and a great companion.

She talked to him about everything there was to know about her life- except for the romance part of it, as they often ended up scarring her- Sechan being a part of that. It was odd that Narae never gave much thought about it when she opened up to her other girlfriends about her love life, when in front of Kian, she just couldn’t.

This had nothing to do with her pride.

She just didn’t want to show Kian the skeletons in her closet when all he saw in her was good. He saw past the surface, and liked her for her.

But if he saw just how many scabs she had. She didn’t how he’d react.

He might think she was pathetic, different from her confident self. He might freak out. He might look at her in a different light. And that’s the least she wanted to happen.

He most definitely caught on to the change in her mood from earlier. She knew because every now and then, when he was laughing at her clown jokes and smart remarks, she felt him consciously peering at her, checking to see if she was okay.

She wasn’t, but she didn’t plan on telling him.

It must’ve been frustrating for him, to see that the person he was conversing with couldn’t give him her full attention. But he didn’t pry for information, and was patient with her.

It was all Sechan’s fault.

She was so out of character, and unlike her. Love makes her sensitive and emotional- neither of which are funny. Not good for a clown.

Nara poured in a shot of soju into her half full beer mug, and chugged. “This is what makes life worth living.”

“Easy,” Kian muttered, settling the mug onto the table.

Her vision blurred for a second, and her head bounded. The pain from all the thinking she did earlier subsided, which lifted her spirits.

Who said alcohol caused harm to the body? It’s what seems to be healing her, now.

Absent mindedly, she put her lips on to the empty mug and tilted, catching droplets of alcohol on her tongue.

“Excuse me. I’d like to order another dr-“

“We’d like to pay the bill,” Kian got up from his chair abruptly, and pulled Narae to her feet.

Narae opened to complain, but Kian was having none of it.

Sniffing, Narae focused on the blurred, unstable ground, willing her vision to clear, so she could start walking again.

“Get on me,” Kian grumbled, crouched on the floor, presenting his back to her.

Narae squealed. “How romantic of you.” She climbed to his back, not bothering to protest. She weighs quite a bit, but she was short, and he was tall. And most importantly, she was too drunk to care.

They walked out in the cold for some time, because she’d refused to go home.

At home she’d be all alone, and pain multiplies in solitude.

Besides. She was all cozy and comfortable, bundled up in her padded jacket, leaning across Kian’s wide and warm back.

If she was heavy, he didn’t complain.

“Narae? I think the blood circulation on my legs stopped.”

Scratch that.

She jumped to the ground and watched him square his shoulders and flex his back.

Arms crossed, she asked, “You aren’t curious?”

He looked at her, blinking. “About what?”

“Who I talked to on the phone,” Narae said at last, her cheeks turning crimson red.

“No,” he answered swiftly, and started walking again, much to her surprise.

Well, that certainly wasn’t the response she was expecting.

She knew that Kian wasn’t the nosy type, and she was half relieved by it, but she was also oddly disappointed by his lack of interest.

What did that mean? He didn’t care enough? Or that he respected her privacy?

Well, maybe she didn’t want him to.

“It was a man I used to love,” Narae blurted, frozen to the spot she was standing on. She was equally delighted and frightened to see that this statement stopped his tracks. Ignoring all the red flags flashing across her brain, she continued, “The phone call from earlier, I mean. It was one sided love. I made a drunken confession months ago, to which he rejected. I laughed it off.”

He stood where he was, not moving a muscle. His back was turned to her, which allowed her some more confidence to get her to talk.

“I don’t think I feel that way for him anymore. Still, something inside me aches whenever I think about the time… the time I confessed. It was a lost cause from the start, but seeing myself so hopeful about it made me realize what a fool I am.”

Alcohol was her downfall. She could open her heart to strangers if she was drunk enough.

She was painfully embarrassed at the moment, having revealed a weak spot about herself to someone who had no idea about this side of her. With that person being none other than Kian, her possible love interest…

She probably scared him away.

She was so needy sometimes, it was pathetic.

She sniffled, wiping at the tears that clung on to her eyelashes. Only fools such as her. Clowns as desperate as her. Only she keeps falling into the same heartbreak routine…

“You’re not.” The backed figure in front of her croaked.

Her eyelashes fluttered, sobriety kicking in. “Wh- what?”

“A fool. You’re not a fool,” Kian said, clearing his throat. Finally he turned around, and Narae saw he wore a small smile on his face, causing his dimples to dent against his cheeks. “Of all the things I love about you, that’s the part I love most.”

She didn’t understand, but a good portion of her heart melted from the warmth his eyes radiated, and her legs gave away. Her face crumpled, she started to sob, almost hysterically.

Flustered by her unexpected breakdown, Kian kneeled to the ground, helping her up to her feet.

What did he mean? He loved the desperate, needy, clingy, emotional side of her? How could he not think it was pathetic of her, never learning her lesson even after getting rejected each time? She would crawl right back up and start looking for love again, knowing well that no one wanted to reciprocate the same feeling.

“What do you mean?” Narae demanded, her cold behind still planted firmly against the cement. She barely managed to calm her hiccups and pants.

Kian’s ears turned pink, and he looked away, still pulling on Narae’s arm, prompting her to get up. “I mean- that’s what I love about you. You spread love around, regardless of whether or not the recipient is worth receiving. That’s only something a genuine person can do, and that’s exactly what you are. Sincere, compassionate, and nurturing.”

Narae’s arm dropped slack, as she carefully processed each valuable word in her pounding head. She looked up at him as she slowly stood up.

He was sincere, despite being embarrassed. He was looking at her, in spite of his now scarlet red face.

“You’re a giver. You give without asking. And…” Kian swallowed, looking like he wanted to bury himself under Narae’s unmoving gaze.

“And?”

“You’re like a brilliant light. That’s how I feel when I’m looking at you.” Kian cocked his head slightly. “I always have.”

Narae continued to stare at him, for once lost of words. She started heating up herself when she realized, hey, isn’t this a confession? Kian84 had just confessed to her, had he not?

Her lips parted slightly open, head completely empty, and facial expression blank, she watched as this scene unfolded in front of her. She knew their fling was going to end sometime, regardless of the outcome. But she had never expected that he, Kian84, would be the one to end it, and she definitely did not expect that day to be today.

Kian coughed, seemingly unable to say or do anything else. His already red face now turned redder than ever, if that was even possible. He fumbled for his phone in his pocket, and checked the time- it was almost midnight.

He breathed unevenly, watching his hot breath turn into white fog against the chilled night air. “It’s getting late. I have to draft a couple pages by tomorrow, so I’ll be going now. I’m sorry I can’t you to your house. Bye.”

Kian rushed to leave, but stilled as Narae held on to the corner of his padded jumper, finally managing to snap out of her somewhat frenzied state.

He looked at her, alarmed.

Narae thought he looked absolutely adorable, with his hair parted in all sorts of different direction. She wasn’t sure what it was about him, or what it was with her that kept her heart pounding the way it did now.

But she was convinced that she loved him.

And it wasn’t because he just confessed to her, and reciprocated her sorry feelings, for a change. It wasn’t because she wanted to get over Sechan. It wasn’t because she hated feeling wanted all the time. And this had more to with Kian being decent- personality and appearance.

He was more than the suitable partner she was always looking for.

For once, she didn’t love after looking for it. She loved for love.

“Well?” She asked, feeling bold despite her racing heart that refused to be steadied.

“Well?” Kian looked both flustered and confused.

“Aren’t you going to kiss me?”