She didn’t think she was lovable.

She was short and dumpy and a sorry excuse of a woman.

She didn’t have the brain, the skill, an admirable talent. She was a clown, and clowns play in the circus.

Clowns do nothing but prance around, smiling from ear to ear.

And that’s exactly what she does for living as a woman comedian.

Park Narae was fast when it came to falling in love.

It’s quite foolish, as she was at a ripe age of thirty three. You’d think she should be capable of picking out the rotten apples from the basket, but really, she didn’t care.

She was grateful for any apples at all- who was she to complain about preferences?

All her life she’s been searching for love, only to be left battered up and taken advantage of. If she weren’t so bold and optimistic, she wouldn’t have had the heart to gather up the bits of courage she could muster.

But everyone said that faint heart never won fair lady.

Because she wasn’t exactly exquisite herself, she couldn’t risk having a faint heart.

She’s bold, daring, passionate, and nurturing.

She falls in love too easily, burning red, but she can cool off pretty quickly.

Love rarely comes by, because not many offer her it. She seizes the chance when she gets it, because she knows it’ll be a while before it greets her again.

She loves with every fiber of her being, because she’s in love with the feeling of being loved.

But usually men get tired of her. Clowns are entertaining, but they definitely aren’t special. There were other things to see in the circus besides a clown. And outside the circus, there were even more beautiful creatures worth loving and aching for.

She’s accepted reality for what it was.

She would hurt, as her heart was made out of glass- but there’s nothing a little glue can’t fix.

That is, until she met Yang Sechan.

Yang Sechan, a clown just like her. He ridiculed her, laughed at her, and pushed her around during the circus shows in front of the audience.

In the backstage, after the show, he whispered heartwarming words to her.

He would call when she was sick, and bring her cough drops and herbs.

He would write her cards every holiday.

He would always use emoticons when they texted.

The innocence in him made her heart beat. She could do anything for him.

He asked her for advice. She told him everything she knew.

He needed to borrow money. She let him borrow all he needed.

He smiled at her. She gave him all of her heart.

Love was just around the corner, and Narae was prepared. She asked his brother, Yang Seyoung, to play matchmaker. She read all the Cosmos magazines. She searched for all signs of fate- astrology, blood types- anything. Many times she pretended to be drunk and confessed her love to him through her phone.

Today wasn’t supposed to be any different.

“Hey, Sechan. This is Narae.”

“Noona, are you drunk again? Drinking isn’t good for your health; you should really quit. You’re getting sick so often lately, and I can assume that your take of alcohol has something to do with that.”

“Worrying about me constantly, Sechan. I wouldn’t know what to do without you.”

A boyish laugh. “You’re really sentimental when you get drunk, you know that, noona? Stop drinking and go to bed.”

“You know, I think about you whenever I get drunk. You know what- I think you are the reason that I keep getting drunk lately. I can’t help but think about you all the time. Everything about you makes my-“

“Noona.” A quiet interruption.

“-heart beat out of control. Now I can’t say I didn’t have heart problems before, but I think I’m pretty goddamn sure that alcohol isn’t the cause of it this time.” Narae slurred her words some more, fighting the embarrassment that lingered in the tense air.

“Sechan, I-“

“Noona.” The voice from the other end came out more frantic this time. “Noona, don’t.”

Silence.

Heaviness clung on to the air, and Narae, with difficulty, realized after a moment, that she was rejected.

The time on her phone screen continued on, which meant that Sechan was listening to her breathing from the other line, anxious of how well she would take his rejection.

Tears welled up from her eyes, but she wouldn’t allow him to know. She was good at that- she was a clown.

She started laughing uncontrollably, as if she had lost her mind. She could almost hear him let out a sigh of relief. Her pride was never important to her, but her relationship with him is. And she couldn’t bear the thought of straining their relationship for anything.

“Stop interrupting me, kid. I want to be appreciative when I’m drunk, at the very least. I’m so lucky to have you as my hoobae. I wanted to say thanks.”

“Way to butter me up,” Sechan replied, snickering. “Alright, take care, noona. See you tomorrow for rehearsal.”

“I will.”

“Love you.” A careless goodbye.

“Love you,” Narae whispered back. For her, it was a closure.

After she hung up, she headed straight to the fridge, and drank her little heart out.

Beer and soju and wine. Whatever she had in the fridge, she would pour in to a measuring cup, and down she’d let it run.

She a couple of sad songs, and let her dying wails drown out the music. Afterwards, she took a warm bath and smoked a cigarette. She hated the way the smoke felt in and the way they smelled. But whenever she had a heartbreak, she would always smoke one.

Three hours later she called all her other clown girlfriends and poured out her heart to them. Their words brought her some comfort, but not enough to distract her completely from the pain.

She ordered some pig feet, opened up a can of beer, the television.

Romance was bull. It happened only to pretty girls, and Narae would never be one.

If heartbreaks are all there is to love, Narae wasn’t sure she wanted to love anymore.