Only… only if he could keep his eyes shut for just a little longer. To breathe in peace, to think in silence, to hate himself until he grew tired of it. But Jongin was already awake judging by the faint rustling meeting his ears at uneven intervals and Taemin supposed the time had arrived to stop pretending and face the consequences of his own actions.

He pushed himself into an upright position, a flinch travelling through his lower body. Gazing at Taemin from his place by the window, a shirtless Jongin was watching back with such an hopeful expression that it was only natural for Taemin to want to crush it. Once again he marveled at his own viciousness and general bad temper.

“I… did I hurt you badly last night?” he was asked.

Jongin took notice of the stupidity of his own question right before Taemin had the time to rise an eyebrow.

“No more than you did then. So don’t worry, an ache in my is nothing compared to a dislocated bone in my knee.”

Jongin’s faint happiness collapsed like a house of cards perched on unsteady ground.

“Ok, that’s fair but… bringing this up when we just - Your tone, your eyes... you said you’ve forgiven me.”

A laugh escaped Taemin, running a hand through his messy hair.

“And you believed me?”

“I did. I believe everything you say.”

Well, from a certain point of view Taemin started to look like the bad guy here. Luckily for his cause, this story was far more complicated and morally ambiguous - or so he hoped.  But Jongin… Jongin made something throb in his chest. Something that hurt, that climbed all the way up to his throat, making it difficult to breathe. Taemin felt almost guilty while looking in those eyes. Really… this was becoming ridiculously heavy for his heart and by no means was he used to it.

Then, without notice, he laughed and laughed and laughed.

“I,” he began after the ability to form complete sentences returned, “when I came to you it was on superior footing. Yes, I’m really horrible… you could say that. I know too. But… truth… isn’t so easier to… not to tell, but to figure it out for yourself. Even now. I want… - many things. There’s no point in telling them to you as I myself can’t see the bigger picture. I guess that’s how life is… complicated. Last night…” Taemin sighed and saw Jongin’s muscles stiffen, “better said this morning, I wanted it, I wanted you. Still do. Yet utter forgiveness... some part of me is willing, some part not, yet what I know for sure is that I don’t want to let go of you in any way. I’d be quite miserable if I did. So that’s it. That’s me and my mess of feelings.”

Foolishly, he found himself trusting this man not to break his heart more than he already had.

And Jongin… Jongin laughed too.

“We ed each other up, haven’t we? In the end, both of us are guilty of how things ended up. That's true. But I love you and even if you don’t want to offer your all, you’re giving me pieces… for now, right now. So, Lee Taemin? What do you say? Wanna try again?”

Little by little he had closed on the bed, extending both hands for Taemin to take. Not like they were going anywhere but