Jinki sat by the sidewalk, turning his cellphone over and over in his hand. As usual, whenever he was nervous, his hands would be slippery with moisture. Honestly, he didn’t know how to feel. although the main sensation bugging him at the moment was the loud pounding in his ears. It was his heart, beating so fast that it was the only thing he could hear at that moment.

To distract himself, he looked up and blinked slowly, taking in the street around him. Night was falling, and the dusk was full of pink and orange and a deep shade of azure. The tall, thin trees contrasted sharply with the wide sky, and Jinki imagined he was a painter, filling in the details he couldn’t see. How many more clouds were there that he wasn’t looking at? Or birds, flying round the corners of skyscrapers…

He had always been like this. Thinking of things he could only imagine, but not see. He remembers back to when he was standing next to… her, and even though she was all there in front of him, there was so much that was hidden. He remembers being caught in her smile, the sweet, polite one that made him ache and elated at the same time, and how he would lose himself in wondering what was going through her mind while she smiled. And when they got even closer – when he could hold her hand and tuck a stray strand of hair behind her delicate ears – he remembers imagining her doing the same things with another person.  Did anyone get to hear her laugh the same way he did? Had anyone carried her as he did, feeling her head against their chest as she slept and dreamt?

He had always been like this, and maybe that’s why it all went wrong. It’s probably not a good idea, then, to perform on stage together again…

***

When it got darker Jinki stood up. He could hear Kibum’s voice in his head already, chiding him for staying out too long.

“Jinki hyung? Jinki hyung, is that you?”

As soon as he stepped into the apartment, Jinki heard a voice call from bedrooms. Kicking off his shoes, he opened his mouth to reply, but the sound of shuffling feet stopped him.

Kibum appeared in the hallway, frowning slightly.

“No coat. And where have you been?”

When Jinki has something on his mind he usually can’t think of anything else, so he blurted out the first thing on his mind.

“They- they want a performance. For Christmas… With… Sica-“

Kibum’s eyes widened, and Jinki rambled on to explain why he wasn’t going to do it.

“But it’s been such a long time and we haven’t met in one year and- I don’t know…”

But Kibum knew better. Laughing softly, he looked Jinki in the eyes.

“Jinki, darling… You know you want to, right?”

He did, ever so much, and that’s how he ended up saying yes.

***

To Jinki, all backstages look the same. Long, draping curtains which overlap one another, and people rushing about and talking in hushed whispers. Occasionally he would bump into someone he knew – some sunbae from another company or a group manager from SM – and would bow to show respect. For some reason he preferred walking around the backstage area as opposed to staying in the changing rooms, perhaps because walking was his way of distracting himself. And of course, his old habit of imagining things around him; watching different people pass and wondering where they were going and why, and what they were thinking as they did so…

Just when he was losing himself in thinking why a crew member was cursing furiously as he walked past, he felt a tap on his shoulder and a voice in his ear:

“Two minutes till you’re up.”

A little startled, he turned around, but the person was already gone. He was about to peek out at the stage when his phone rang.

“So, Kibum said you’re performing today,” Minho deep voice sounded muffled over the phone. “And with Sica, too.” Jinki never really told anyone what had happened between him and Jessica, because honestly, he couldn’t. Kibum, of course, found out anyway, being the Key that he was. But Minho…. Minho somehow gave Jinki the impression that he knew everything, even if he hardly showed it.

Jinki swallowed.

“I am, but only-“

“Be careful.” Minho cut him off, which was rather rare. Minho wasn’t one to interrupt. His voice was low, but Jinki could hear the sterness it in. “For her… and for you.”

As Jinki thought about his reply, he felt another tap on his shoulder (“Jessica’s on stage now, get ready”) and a microphone was stuffed into his free left hand.

“Yah Minho, I gotta go now,” Jinki said quickly.

“Alright-“ He heard Minho answer, and was about to hang up when-

“And hyung-!”

He paused. “Yes?”

“-All the best.”

Jinki smiled, even as the phone slipped out of his grasp from his moist palm and hit the floor.

_________________

Alrightttt! I know I said this would be a two-shot but I didn't want to bore you so I split it into three. I promise next one will be the last chapter~ Thanks for reading and sticking with me ^__^

Please comment! It lets me know that I'm not talking to myself T.T