The thing is, even when they were shoved into a trainee group of a dozen girls, everyone knew that Kim Taeyeon was going to be the main vocal. You wouldn’t think looking at her that such a small frame could hold such an enormous voice, but it only takes one vocal practice with her to find out.

Jessica has always liked singing. As a casual hobby, an interest. She knows she isn’t a bad singer, but she’s never thought of herself as a particularly great one either. And she certainly doesn’t think so after singing with Taeyeon.

Taeyeon is—Taeyeon is Talented with a capital T. Jessica barely is with a lowercase one. Sure, she gets good enough scores on her singing evaluations, but that’s more down to training than any inherent skill. This is more evident than ever when she’s paired with Taeyeon during vocal practice.

She doesn’t feel like she’s scrambling to keep up with Taeyeon, per se, but she doesn’t feel like they’re at the same level either. Singing just comes so easily to Taeyeon, so naturally. Jessica thinks of her voice as an instrument she has to fine-tune, has to control, has to master, but Taeyeon seems to simply treat her voice as a part of her that obeys her without question, without conscious thought. Of course, Jessica can’t get inside Taeyeon’s head (she wonders if anyone can) so she doesn’t know exactly how Taeyeon thinks but that’s the impression she gets.

One thing is for sure though, and it’s that they sound good together. Their voices weave together beautifully, seamlessly, and she can see their instructors nodding in satisfaction at their harmonization. It’s like they were meant to sing together.

That’s all she allows herself to think. Not that they were meant to be together, only sing together. It’s easier to think of it like that, to think of Taeyeon as her fellow main vocal and future member and friend at most.

Or so she tells herself anyway.

 

It slips out, as these things do. She makes an offhand comment that Taeyeon is really talented, and Taeyeon blushes as she says, “thank you,” sounding both proud and shy, as if she knows this but is still startled to hear it from other people.

It’s endearing. Jessica has heard trainees much less talented than Taeyeon brag about their supposed vocal prowess, or at least look smug when praised. Taeyeon, however, never reacts like that at a compliment. Jessica wonders if she’ll be like this as an idol too.

“You should give me some tips,” Jessica says, as much as a genuine desire to learn from Taeyeon as it is an excuse to spend time with her.

“You’ve been a trainee much longer than me. Shouldn’t I be asking you for tips?”

“But you’re the talented one.”

Taeyeon stares at her like she just spoke in Latin. “You think you’re not talented?”

“Well… I don’t think I’m untalented. I just…” Jessica trails off, put off by the intensity of Taeyeon’s gaze.

“You don’t think you’re talented?” Taeyeon repeats incredulously.

Jessica’s mouth speaks before her brain can kick in. “Not particularly.”

“So the girl with the beautiful voice I’ve been singing with – that isn’t you?”

It’s Jessica’s turn to blush. “You think my voice is beautiful?”

Taeyeon doesn’t hold eye contact this time. “Yeah,” she says, quiet but sincere. “I do.”

“Thank you.”

“It’s just the truth,” Taeyeon says. “We’re going to be main vocals together, and you think you’re not good?”

“I think I’m good, I just don’t think I’m—” Great? You? Jessica doesn’t know what she wants to say.

“You don’t think you’re what?” Taeyeon asks expectantly.

“Nothing.”

“You don’t think you’re nothing? That’s good. I don’t think so either.”

Jessica smiles at that. “So you think I’m something?”

“Yeah,” Taeyeon says, casual but not careless. “You’re definitely something, Jessica Jung.”

“You too, Kim Taeyeon,” Jessica returns, and she wonders if she’s imagining the charge in the air between them.

 

Taeyeon said her voice is beautiful. Taeyeon thinks she’s talented. Taeyeon called her “something.” Taeyeon— Taeyeon.

“What’s gotten into you?” Sooyoung asks. “You look like you’re floating on a cloud.”

“Are you on something?” Hyoyeon asks. “Whatever it is, get us some too.”

Jessica gives them a dirty look. “I’m just thinking. If you guys know what that is.”

“Oooooooh.” Sooyoung mimes a hissing sound. “We’ve been burned.”

“Is this about Taeyeon?” Hyoyeon asks offhandedly, and Jessica almost has a heart attack.

“Why would it be about Taeyeon?” she asks, her voice shooting up half an octave.

Hyoyeon gives her a weird look. “Weren’t you just at vocal practice with her? I know you like, look up to her or whatever. Did she say something nice about your singing?”

“How short do you have to be to look up to Taeyeon,” Sooyoung wonders.

“Yeah, she said I have a good voice,” Jessica says with feigned indifference, like it doesn’t mean anything when it couldn’t have meant more.

“You do have a good voice,” Hyoyeon says. “I could have told you that.”

“Aww thanks, Hyo,” Jessica says, throwing an arm around her shoulder.

“I could have told you that too,” Sooyoung says. “Does that make you look up to me?”

Jessica purposefully raises her chin and trains her eyes on the ceiling. “You’re so tall I already do that anyway.”

Sooyoung pats her on the head like she’s a kid. “All right, important question – what should we have for lunch?”

Jessica rolls her eyes, but she can’t help the way pulls up at the corners.

 

Jessica isn’t sure how she became friends with Stephanie. They go to the same school and they’re both from California so everyone expected them to be friends right away, but they didn’t have the best first impression of each other. Or at least, Jessica didn’t of Stephanie. She’s just so…loud and insistent and headstrong and did Jessica mention loud, yelling “hey, American girl!” from across the room, demanding that they go for Western food together, having no sense of boundaries at times like now.

“So how’s your crush on Taeyeon going,” Stephanie says, and Jessica wishes that she could misinterpret her except Stephanie is speaking in English.

“What crush? I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

Stephanie rolls her eyes. “Please, it’s sooooo obvious. You stare at her with stars in your eyes, especially when she sings. You’d think she was a famous idol already.”

“She will be one day,” Jessica says with absolute faith.

“Aww, you’re so cute, Jessi. You’re totally gone for her.”

“Don’t say that. It’s not a crush, okay? I just admire her. I mean, her singing.”

“…right,” Stephanie says in a supremely unconvinced voice. “I admire her singing too, but you don’t see me staring at her with stars in my eyes.”

“That’s reserved for Boa unnie, isn’t it?”

Stephanie sighs so loudly and dreamily that Jessica would have started if she weren’t used to it. “I saw Boa unnie in the company building the other day. She was walking.”

“That is what people do in buildings – walk. Did you see her climb stairs too?”

“Oh, shut up,” Stephanie says, elbowing Jessica. “Anyway, I wanted to talk to her but I got all tongue-tied and couldn’t get out a word.”

“Wow, you not having anything to say? I can’t imagine it. I wish someone recorded it.”

Stephanie elbows her again. “Please, at least my admiration for Boa unnie is just admiration. You look like you’re going to fall over when Taeyeon smiles.”

“I do not!”

“She mentioned you the other day,” Stephanie comments offhandedly.

“She did?!” At Stephanie’s smirk, Jessica clears and tries to smooth out her expression into something vaguely disinterested. “What did she say?”

“I’ll tell you if you admit you have an enormous embarrassing crush on her.”

Jessica narrows her eyes. “Hwang Miyoung, I swear—”

“Okay, okay, don’t call me that, geez. She said that you’re a great singer but somehow you don’t think so.”

Jessica’s mouth dries. “She said that?”

“Yeah, you should hear her talk about your singing.” Stephanie rolls her eyes. “I told her it’s not like I’ve never heard you sing before, I know you’re good.”

“Thanks,” Jessica mumbles.

“I guess it doesn’t mean nearly as much coming from me, huh,” Stephanie says teasingly.

“It’s definitely not going to mean much if you keep acting like this.”

Stephanie pouts. “After I pass on information to you and compliment you, this is how you repay me?”

Jessica gives an exaggerated sigh. “Okay fine, pizza is on me next time.”

Stephanie throws her arms in the air and whoops, and Jessica regrets her life.

 

“Please don’t tell anyone else,” Jessica says quietly some time later.

“Why would I do that? It’s your life. I don’t go out blabbing about other people’s lives.”

“I’m sorry, you just do so much blabbing I lost track of the subject matter.”

She expects to get an elbow in the stomach for that, but Stephanie doesn’t even move except to fix her eyes on Jessica’s.

“So do you mean you never plan on telling Taeyeon?”

“Tell Taeyeon?” Jessica gives a tired laugh. “Yeah, right. We’re just becoming closer now, why would I ruin it for a stupid crush?”

“Why do you think telling her would ruin things?”

“Stephanie, in case you haven’t noticed, we live in Korea. This isn’t California. People aren’t exactly accepting here.”

“Believe me, I’ve noticed that this isn’t California,” Stephanie says with a twist of , “but you can’t let that stop you from living your life.”

“We’re going to be idols. We’re going to be part of Girls’ Generation.”

They were just told the name. It’s not great, definitely not the meaningful kind of name they wanted, but she’ll have to live with it – they’ll have to live with it – for many more years so she’s trying to get used to it. Jessica of Girls’ Generation. That doesn’t sound too terrible, she supposes. Taeyeon of Girls’ Generation. That sounds good, actually. Jessica and Taeyeon of Girls’ Generation. That—

“That’s going to be our life,” Jessica says. “This…this doesn’t belong there.”

Stephanie looks at her with somber eyes. “Do you expect ‘this’ to go away then?”

“No matter what, I won’t let it affect our group,” Jessica says, the most she can promise. It’ll have to be enough.

 

There’s a bug going around and Taeyeon catches it, leaving her with a bad cough and raspy voice. She still insists on showing up to vocal practice, and the instructor has to chase her out, saying that she won’t be able to get anything done in her condition and she’d just get the rest of them sick.

“You should stay away from me,” Taeyeon says, coughing into her sleeve. Her nose is red and she keeps sniffling and honestly she looks terrible.

“Why did you even come here?” Jessica asks, offering her a tissue.

Taeyeon takes it gratefully and blows her nose noisily. “I don’t know. I wanted to sing.”

“I’m sure seonsaengnim appreciates your dedication but he looked like he wanted to build a wall between the two of you. Don’t forget, he has two kids at home.”

Taeyeon sniffs again. “You could have still practiced on your own.”

“I already did solo vocal practice earlier. This was supposed to be our practice time together.”

“Sorry,” Taeyeon says thickly. “I ruined everything.”

“Don’t say that, you can’t help that you’re sick. Plus, you caught this from Stephanie so technically she ruined everything.”

Taeyeon laughs. “I’ll tell her you said that.”

“Ugh, the only good thing about this flu is that she lost her voice. I’ve never heard her so quiet before.”

“It’s quite the change.” Taeyeon coughs, her frame rattling with it, the sound even thicker than before.

“You should go home,” Jessica says with concern.

“I wish I could,” Taeyeon says with a wistful expression, and Jessica knows she doesn’t mean the dorm but rather Jeonju.

“It must be hard for you, to be here by yourself,” Jessica says quietly.

“It’s not so bad, I like being alone,” Taeyeon says, as if that wasn’t apparent already. “And I’m not really by myself. I have a roommate who talks enough for a whole family.”

Jessica nudges her in the shoulder. “And you have us. Don’t forget that.”

Taeyeon gives her a heavy, unreadable look for a second, before giving a small smile. “I won’t. Besides, I have a feeling you’ll remind me if I do.”

“You got that right,” Jessica says. “Now, do you have cold medicine at home or not?”

Taeyeon’s brow crinkles. “I don’t think so. Stephanie finished all of it.”

“All right, a trip to the store it is.”

“You don’t have to—” Taeyeon coughs again. “You don’t have to come with me. I know I look terrible but I can manage a trip to the store on my own.”

“I mean, you look pretty awful right now and I don’t really want to be seen with you, but I also don’t want you to pass out somewhere and read about your kidnapping in the news tomorrow.”

“I would hate to be a stain on your conscience,” Taeyeon says dryly.

“Exactly, so come on. Let’s go get you some medicine.”

They walk off together, and at one point Taeyeon looks like she’s going to fall over, so Jessica takes her arm and steadies her. She doesn’t let go afterwards, and Taeyeon doesn’t seem to mind.

“Thanks, Sica,” Taeyeon says softly as they reach the store.

“Anytime,” Jessica says, and reluctantly lets go so they can go through the doorway. She misses Taeyeon’s warmth immediately, and she tells herself that it’s just because Taeyeon is feverish so she’s radiating heat like a furnace.

It almost works.

 

When Jessica asks Taeyeon if she can get home by herself, Taeyeon makes a face like a disgruntled kitten. It probably wasn’t what she was going for, but that’s the effect.

“I’m not a kid.” Her expression and the way her hands are swallowed by the too long sleeves of her jacket don’t help. “I can take the subway by myself.”

“I don’t know, you sure look like a kid.”

Taeyeon huffs. “I can still grow, okay?”

“Keep telling yourself that,” Jessica says dryly. “Are you sure you’ll be okay? Maybe you should take a cab. What if you pass out on the subway and miss your stop?”

“Is that what you do?”

“I don’t take the subway, I take the bus.” At Taeyeon’s expectant expression, she concedes, “I may have done that once or twice.” Well, more like four or five times, but Taeyeon doesn’t need to know that.

Taeyeon pats her hand. Well, sort of. Their hands don’t actually touch; only Taeyeon’s sleeve grazes Jessica’s skin. “I’ll be fine, don’t worry. And thanks again for the medicine.”

“Don’t mention it,” Jessica says. “Just write me an IOU.”

Taeyeon laughs, her dimple popping out. Jessica resolutely keeps her eyes away from it. “I will do that. All right, see you later. Don’t fall asleep on the bus.”

“I won’t. Make sure you don’t either. Get h—back safe.”

Taeyeon nods and gives her a short wave. Jessica returns it, and her arm stays raised in the motion even as Taeyeon disappears down the subway tunnel.

 

Jessica wakes up feeling like a sledgehammer is pounding against her skull and a bucket of slime is filling up her sinuses.

Great. Of all the things she could have caught from Taeyeon, she gets the flu.

“Jessica!” her mom calls. “You’re going to be late for school!”

She makes a sound approximating a dying elephant back. Even that takes more effort than she’s capable of.

“JESSICA JUNG SOOYEON!”

If she didn’t feel so terrible right now, she would be overwhelmed by the sense of total and utter doom that only your mom calling you by your full name can incite.

When her mom comes barging into her room, she looks ready to give Jessica literally the mother of all lectures, but when she catches sight of her, she merely says, “Oh dear.”

Jessica makes the very astute statement of, “I think I’m sick.”

If she expects immediate comfort and offers of soup, she’s disappointed. “I told you that a bug has been going around! You still wouldn’t wear a jacket yesterday.”

“Can we leave the lecture for when I don’t feel like I’m dying?”

Her mom puts a hand to Jessica’s forehead and clucks her tongue. “Do you want thicker blankets?”

“Yes. I mean, no.” Her extremities feel ice cold but her head and torso feel like they’re burning. She wants a hot water bottle and an ice pack at the same time.

“Oh, honey.” Her mom tucks her blanket around her. “I’ll get you some medicine.”

Jessica closes her eyes and shivers. She’s so cold. No, so hot. Her head is going to burst. She wishes Taeyeon were here.

 

She must have dozed off, because she wakes up to another blanket on her and a box of tissues placed on her bedside table.

“Good, you’re awake. I didn’t know whether to wake you up or let you sleep longer.”

Wow, she must be really sick if her mom is saying that. Her mom comes in with a bowl of some steaming liquid that Jessica hopes is soup but is probably some nasty herbal medicine. Jessica can’t smell anything; it seems that the mucus has totally clogged her nose. That’s probably a good thing if her mom is going to make her drink the medicine.

“I made you some chicken soup.” Bless her mom. “And also, your friend is on the phone for you.”

“My friend?” she says in surprise. “Which one?”

“She says her name is Taeyeon.”

It’s a good thing Jessica isn’t holding the bowl of soup, or she would have spilled it everywhere. “Oh. Thanks,” she says, taking the phone from her mom with trembling fingers.

“Don’t chat for too long. Make sure you finish the soup.”

Jessica nods. “I will,” she says, and makes sure that her mom has left before putting the phone to her ear. “Taeyeon?”

“Hey.” Taeyeon sounds a lot better; her voice is almost back to normal. “Stephanie said that you weren’t at school, so I wanted to check in on you.”

“I’m sick.” She tries not to sound pitiful as she says it, but she has a feeling she fails terribly.

“Sick? Oh no. I gave what I had to you?”

“It seems so.”

“I’m sorry.” Taeyeon sounds really contrite. “Do you need medicine? I still have a lot left over from yesterday.”

“It’s okay, my mom has a pharmacy worth of medicine. Plus, she made me chicken soup.”

“That is the best medicine.”

“Isn’t laughter the best medicine? Hey, tell me a joke.”

“Uh.” Taeyeon sounds caught off guard by the sudden request. “I did hear this funny hospital joke the other day. Okay, so why did the doctor tell the nurse to walk past the pill cupboard quietly?”

“Why?”

“So she wouldn’t wake the sleeping pills.”

Jessica laughs, which sounds like a sputtering car engine. “If I were a pill, I’d probably be a sleeping pill. What about you?”

“A painkiller, maybe.”

“Interesting. Why?”

“I don’t know, I think it’d be nice to relieve someone’s pain.”

“Oh.” Jessica is quiet for a moment. “I thought you were going to say you’d be a vitaemin, to be honest.”

It’s Taeyeon’s turn to laugh. “I didn’t think of that, but I would have if I did.”

“That’s really noble of you, though. Wanting to relieve other people’s pain.”

“I don’t know if it’s noble,” Taeyeon says. “It would just be nice to be useful.”

“Tae—” Do you want someone to ease your pain? Do you want someone to comfort you, to make you smile, to give you a home?

I’ll do it. I’ll be that person for you.

“I have to go,” Taeyeon says. “I hope you feel better.”

“Thank you. I hope so too.”

Taeyeon hangs up first. By the time that Jessica remembers the soup, it’s already cooled. She drinks it anyway, but whether it’s because she can’t taste it or that it’s cold, it doesn’t bring her any comfort.

 

“So, I heard that you got my flu,” Stephanie says, when Jessica finally shows up at school three days later.

“Yeah, and thanks for that, by the way.”

“You’re welcome,” Stephanie chirps. “Are you all better now? You look tired, but I mean, you always look tired.”

“It’s because talking to you tires me out.”

“Aww, I guess you could use a vitaemin, huh?”

Jessica stares at her. Did Taeyeon tell her what they talked about??

“I couldn’t help overhearing your conversation,” Stephanie says innocently.

Jessica snorts. “Couldn’t help or tried to eavesdrop?”

Stephanie ignores the question. “You two seem to be coming along. I heard about your trip to the store the other day.”

“We went to buy cold medicine.”

“It’s a shame Taeyeon was so sick, or you could have gone out to eat afterwards,” Stephanie says, undeterred.

“If she weren’t sick, we wouldn’t have gone anywhere together.”

“You could come by our dorm sometimes,” Stephanie says. “Just pretend that I invited you. Or well, you don’t have to pretend because I’m inviting you. I’ll make sure that she’s home.”

“She doesn’t think of it as home,” Jessica blurts out.

Stephanie’s forehead furrows. “What do you mean?”

“I mean, the dorm. Seoul. She doesn’t think of it as home.” Stephanie doesn’t say anything, and Jessica feels compelled to ask, “Do you?”

“It’s going to be our home for a long time,” Stephanie says. “Well, until we debut and move to a bigger dorm.”

“That doesn’t answer my question.”

“I don’t know, Jessica,” Stephanie says with knitted eyebrows.

Jessica’s gotten so used to ‘Jessi’ that it’s almost weird to hear Stephanie call her Jessica. She knows that Stephanie’s stage name is going to be Tiffany, and she supposes that she’ll have to get used to calling her that. It’s strange, she doesn’t know if she can do it, and she certainly can’t think of Stephanie as Tiffany, just as she can’t think of Sunkyu as Sunny or Juhyun as Seohyun. But, she supposes, it’s just another thing to get used to. A minor concession compared to others.

“Do you think of Korea as home?” Stephanie asks, eyes intent on hers, like Jessica’s answer is crucial to her own.

Jessica contemplates it for a moment. “Yeah, I think so. But I mean, my family is here and home is supposed to be where your loved ones are and all.”

She feels awkward saying it, both because of how cheesy it sounds and because she knows Stephanie’s family is back in California, but she felt obligated to give a full and honest answer.

“Then this means that Seoul will definitely become home, right?” Stephanie suddenly says. “Because we’re going to be a family now. The nine of us.”

And here she thought she was being cheesy, but Stephanie just took the cake. (The cheesecake?) However, she doesn’t have the heart to make fun of her because she knows what she means. This – Girls’ Generation – is going to be their family now.

It’s a rather scary thought, being eighteen and into a group with eight other girls who she’s going to spend the next who knows how many years of her life with, who she’s going to share her youth with, but she’s glad it’s them. She’s seen so many trainees come and go in her seven years at S.M., but she’s glad that these are the girls she ended up being in a group with. She’s glad it’s them.

“Don’t be so cheesy, Steph,” Jessica says, clearing . “You’re going to give me diabetes here.”

“Whatever, you totally feel the same way,” Stephanie says, and Jessica doesn’t bother denying it. Can’t, even if she wanted to. “But hey, if the nine of us are a family, does that make your feelings for Taeyeon uous?”

“What?” Jessica splutters.

“I mean, if we’re all sisters, then you and Taeyeon are sisters too.”

“I don’t want to be sisters with her!”

“I know,” Stephanie says seriously. “That would be really gross.”

“I don’t want to be sisters with you either.” Jessica gives her a dirty look. “One annoying sister is more than enough, thanks.”

When their friends join them and see Stephanie putting Jessica in a headlock, they don’t even bat an eyelash. It’s just another Thursday.

 

Her mom had insisted on her bringing a thermos of honey lemon tea with her to vocal practice, and even though she had complained about how the thermos is too heavy and she doesn’t even like tea, she’s grateful for how soothing it is. She’s 90% recovered, but that 10% is still enough to have her voice cracking through the basic warmups.

“You okay?” Taeyeon asks.

“Yeah.” Jessica musters a smile. “Just still a tiny bit sick.”

Taeyeon looks apologetic. “Sorry again about that.”

“It’s okay. If I didn’t catch it from you, I probably would’ve caught it from someone else.”

“But you probably wouldn’t have caught it if you stayed away from me.”

“Maybe I’m just bad at staying away from you,” Jessica says, and it’s supposed to be light, playful, but Taeyeon looks at her with somber eyes that make her avert her own.

“Maybe,” Taeyeon finally says. “Good thing we’re in the same group then, huh?”

Jessica remembers what Stephanie said and thinks about how even if she didn’t have a crush on Taeyeon, she would be happy to be in the same group with her. Taeyeon, with her lame puns and solemn silences and elusive dimple. Taeyeon, the singing partner that no one else can compare to, not just because she’s an amazing singer but because she makes Jessica feel like one too. Taeyeon, who had accepted the position of leader with a shaking nod and hunched shoulders, but who Jessica trusts with the position more than anyone else. Taeyeon, for whom Jessica may harbour feelings deeper than a simple crush. Taeyeon.

At least they’re friends, Jessica thinks. At least they’re comfortable with each other and can confide in each other. If nothing ever comes out of her feelings – and she doubts anything ever will – they can still be good friends. She can’t say it’s enough for her, but certainly it’s better than not being anything at all.

“Sica?” Taeyeon asks, sounding unsure.

Jessica smiles. “Good thing,” she agrees.

 

“You sound more confident now,” Taeyeon suddenly says after vocal practice one day. “It’s nice.”

“Did I sound nervous before?”

Taeyeon makes a noncommittal sound. “Not nervous, exactly, but you sang like you were trying really hard to hit each note right, and breathe at exactly the right spots for exactly the right amount of time.”

“If I didn’t do that, then I would never be able to perfect my technique.”

“There was never anything wrong with your technique.” Taeyeon looks—not impatient, exactly, but like she’s waiting for Jessica to arrive at some obvious conclusion that Taeyeon already reached ages ago. “That’s not what was holding you back.”

“Then what was? My lack of confidence?”

“You’re a much better singer than you give yourself credit for,” Taeyeon says. “The problem is that you sing like you think you can only hit seventy percent when really, you can definitely hit at least a ninety.”

Jessica feels warmth fill her cheeks, and she hopes that she isn’t visibly blushing. She’s met trainees who tried to talk like they were expert vocal or dance instructors, and that always turned her off but it’s not like that coming from Taeyeon. She isn’t being patronizing or arrogant; she’s genuinely trying to help and praise Jessica.

“If I’m a ninety percent, you must be a hundred and ten.”

“I wish. Even a ninety-nine would be amazing.”

“Our number, huh?” Jessica says with a smile.

“Our number,” Taeyeon agrees. “Hey, do you want to grab something to eat before we go home?”

Jessica tries very hard not to let her excitement show. “Sure. What do you want to eat?”

“If it’s okay with you, not Western food.”

“Don’t worry, I’m not Stephanie. I don’t have to eat pizza and burgers every day.”

Taeyeon makes a face. “It’s just so—heavy. I don’t know how she eats that stuff all the time.”

“You sound like a grandma, Tae,” Jessica teases as they leave the building together. “Actually, even my grandma likes pizza.”

“Mine does too,” Taeyeon admits, and Jessica laughs. Taeyeon looks at her for an extended moment, backlit in the sun, her face cast into shadow, eyes dark and unknowable.

“What?” Jessica asks.

“Nothing,” Taeyeon says, moving forward, and the spell is broken. “Are noodles okay with you?”

“Sure, I like noodles.”

“I know a nice stand. It’s a bit of a walk though.”

“That’s okay,” Jessica says, and she even means it even though she’s far from a fan of walking. “Do you eat out a lot?”

“Quite a bit. It’s not good for me, I know, but I don’t have the time or energy to cook every day.”

Jessica makes a face. “I think I’d starve to death if I had to cook for myself.”

Taeyeon laughs. “I guess that means we can’t count on you for the cooking once we move into the dorm together.”

Jessica imagines that for a moment, living with Taeyeon, seeing her every day, brushing past her in the bathroom, sharing toothpaste and makeup with her, and if they’re roommates, falling asleep and waking up to her. She almost can’t imagine it, not to mention contemplate that she’s going to live it soon.

“I really don’t think you want me to cook,” Jessica says. “I’d probably burn down the dorm, and I don’t think the company would be very happy with me.”

“I’ll try to convince them to take it easy on you,” Taeyeon says.

It’s one of the first times she’s talked like a leader. Jessica knows that she still feels uncomfortable with the position, worries that she won’t be a good one, thinks that it should have been one of them instead. Taeyeon hasn’t actually said any of this, of course, and Jessica doubts that she would express it out loud, but Jessica knows and the other girls probably do too. She wonders if that would make Taeyeon feel reassured or even more uncomfortable.

“You’re going to be a great leader, Taeyeon,” Jessica says in all seriousness.

Taeyeon looks startled for a moment before her face settles into a blank expression. It’s something that they’ve all learned to do, although it’s better for the mask to be a smile, but Jessica still doesn’t like seeing it on Taeyeon.

“You can’t know that when we’re not even a group yet.”

“We are a group already. We just haven’t debuted yet.”

Taeyeon’s jaw clenches. “You can’t know that,” she repeats, unyielding.

Jessica doesn’t budge either. “I do. Even if you don’t believe it, even if you don’t believe in yourself, I do.”

Taeyeon, unexpectedly, laughs. Her laughter isn’t like anyone else’s Jessica’s ever heard. It’s so deep and seems to come from her stomach and she honestly sounds like an ahjumma who just threw back a couple of drinks and Jessica can’t get enough of it.

“What?” Jessica asks, bewildered.

“That’s how I feel about your singing.”

“Oh. Well, that’s—”

Taeyeon has a challenging little smile on her face. “What, different? It really isn’t. Don’t be a hypocrite.”

Jessica rolls her eyes. “Whatever, Kim. Where is this noodle stand you mentioned? I’m starving. I swear we’ve walked halfway to Busan already.”

“It’s only been like, ten minutes.”

“That’s nine minutes too long.”

Taeyeon laughs again, and Jessica soaks up the sound. “Well, you’re in luck. We’re here.” She nods to a noodle stand that looks the same as any other, but Jessica has to admit that the smells wafting over are mouthwatering. Then again, she’s just really hungry. She had been too caught up in conversation with Taeyeon to pay attention to her stomach, but now it’s demanding to be taken care of.

It’s always all about you, her stomach grumbles at her heart. I have needs too, you know. Actual biological needs.

Her heart is unapologetically smug. Whatever. I’m the most famous organ for a reason.

Be quiet, both of you, her brain orders.

Soon, they both have a bowl of steaming noodles in front of them, and they’re eating away without any regard for table etiquette. Jessica is pretty sure her slurping sounds can be heard all the way back in the dorms, but she doesn’t care. Taeyeon has soup dribbling down the corner of , and she simply wipes it away with the back of her hand.

“That was good,” Jessica says once they’ve inhaled their meals. “Really good.”

Taeyeon grins at her. There’s a tiny piece of noodle clinging to the corner of . “I told you this place is good.”

“Hold still,” Jessica orders as she reaches out her hand.

“Huh? Why?” Taeyeon asks, and she doesn’t hold still so much as freeze over when Jessica’s finger grazes against her bottom lip.

“Got it,” Jessica says with satisfaction as she flicks the bit of noodle off her hand. “Sorry, I don’t see any napkins around.”

Taeyeon’s eyes flicker to the pile of napkins stacked at the corner of the table, but she doesn’t say anything other than, “Thanks.”

“Anytime,” Jessica says, and when her brain and heart start arguing over what’s the best course of action, she laces her fingers over her sleepy stomach and wishes that everything was as easy to satiate as hunger.

 

Their walk back is a lot quieter, both of them occupied with their own thoughts. Jessica is entering a food coma, and her steps are slower than usual, or maybe that’s just because she doesn’t want to say goodbye to Taeyeon yet. Even so, they reach the subway station much quicker than she anticipated.

“Well, I guess this is where we part,” Jessica says awkwardly.

“Yeah, I guess so,” Taeyeon says. If there was an award for the most awkward trainee, Jessica thinks that it would be a tight competition between her and Taeyeon. “Get home safe.”

“I actually might fall asleep on the bus, I’m so sleepy right now.” Jessica yawns, and maybe it’s the tiredness that loosens her tongue, but she finds herself saying, “I had a good time today. We should do it again sometime.”

“Yeah, for sure,” Taeyeon says, with the dimpled smile that lets Jessica know she means it and isn’t just saying it. “You pick the place next time. It can even be pizza or burgers if you want.”

“Don’t let Stephanie hear. She’ll be there faster than you can say ‘pink.’”

“Yeah, I wouldn’t want to share you with her,” Taeyeon says with a laugh, and then suddenly falters like she had said something she hadn’t meant to. Her eyes are as wide as Jessica’s when they meet. “I-I just mean that you two are going to be all English-speaking and American-bonding together and I just feel lost.”

Jessica clears . “Right. Well, I mean I don’t want to share you with her either. You two already live together. She gets to spend loads of time with you already.”

It’s only after it comes out that she curses how she sounds like a jealous girlfriend, but Taeyeon was the one who said “I don’t want to share you,” after all.

“We’ll all be living together soon,” Taeyeon says, sounding both amused and, if Jessica isn’t mistaken, anticipatory.

“In our new home, right?” Jessica asks, holding Taeyeon’s eyes.

“Right,” Taeyeon says. “In our new home.”

This time, they don’t wave at each other before they go their separate ways, but Taeyeon gives Jessica such a long look before she turns away that Jessica’s heart is left sputtering in her chest long after Taeyeon’s out of sight.

When she gets on the bus, she leans her forehead against a cold metal pole and doesn’t feel any of the sleepiness that she had anticipated. Every part of her body feels alive, from her flushed cheeks to her bright eyes to her toes tapping impatiently against the confines of her shoes, like they know she’s steps away from something much greater.

 

Krystal is in that bratty teenager phase where she thinks the whole world revolves around her and has little patience to listen to anyone else. Then again, maybe it isn’t a teenager phase because she’s been like this for a while now. However, sometimes she’ll suddenly come into Jessica’s room and they’ll end up having a heart to heart. This is one of those times.

“Are you nervous, unnie?” Krystal asks.

“About what?”

“Debuting. It’s coming up, isn’t it?”

“Yeah.” Jessica’s eyes drift to her calendar. “Yeah, it is.”

“So are you nervous?”

“I am. A little. Maybe more than a little. But I’m ready for it to come. I’ve been waiting for this.”

“You’ll do a great job,” Krystal says, patting her arm.

“Thanks, Krys. I hope so.”

“You’d better. I’ve already bragged to my friends that my sister is going to be a part of a famous girl group. Don’t let me down.”

Jessica is startled into laughter. “Famous girl group? We haven’t even debuted yet, and you’re already calling us famous?”

“I said you’re going to be famous. And I’m sure you will. Maybe you can even become the best girl group in the country. Until I debut with mine, that is.”

Jessica laughs again. “Right, of course. Don’t forget your unnie when you’re famous.”

“I’ll try, but I can’t make any promises,” Krystal says with a haughty toss of her hair, and Jessica is suddenly overwhelmed by a surge of affection for her little sister. She realizes that once she debuts, she’ll move out into a dorm with the other girls, with Taeyeon, and as much as a part of her is looking forward to that, another part of her misses home already. Home, with her mom’s concern disguised under nagging, and her dad’s steady comforting presence and her sister’s bratty but loveable company.

This is her home, and even if she might one day have another one, whether with others or on her own, this will always be her home.

“You’re zoning out again, unnie. Are you going to do that as an idol too?”

“Oh, I’m sure my leader will snap me out of it,” Jessica says, patting Krystal’s head and enjoying the way she squirms. “You know, I remember when I used to lift you up and carry you around. Now you’re as tall as me.”

Krystal makes a face. “Why do you sound like our mom when she’s getting nostalgic about our childhoods?”

“What, I can’t get nostalgic?”

“You’re too young to be talking like this, unnie. Plus, just wait until I outgrow you. I’m already a quarter inch taller.”

“No, you’re not! We’re the same height.”

“Oh, yeah? Let me get the tape measure!” Krystal hurries out of the room, and Jessica smiles even as she tries to fluff her hair out so it’ll give her a quarter inch in height. She knows that Krystal is taller, just by a tiny bit, but she sure isn’t going to admit it.

 

“It’s crazy, isn’t it?” Stephanie is, unsurprisingly, the one to voice the thought they’re all thinking. “That we’re debuting in a week.”

“I still can’t really believe it,” Yuri says, cupping her cheeks like that’ll make it more real, somehow. “It’s happening so quickly. I mean, it took forever and we’ve been waiting ages for this but suddenly it’s here and…”

“Are we ready?” It’s Jessica who asks the question, quietly, barely audibly, but the words ring in the room.

“We’ve practiced the song a million times,” Sooyoung says. “I mean, I loved it when I first heard it but I’m almost sick of it now.”

“We have the choreography down,” Hyoyeon says. “We can probably dance it in our sleep.”

“You have danced it in your sleep, unnie,” Yoona says. “I’ve seen you.”

That gets a laugh from them, shaky as it is, but it lightens the atmosphere a bit.

“Physically, we’re ready,” Sunkyu says. “We’ve done everything we can to prepare for it.”

“If there’s anything we need to improve on, we do still have this week,” Juhyun adds, always the pragmatic one.

But are we ready, Jessica wonders, noticing that nobody has actually answered her question, only skirted around it and said we should be ready or we seem to be ready. That’s not the same as we are ready, and they all know that.

Taeyeon, who had been silent, finally speaks. “We have to be ready,” she says, “and we will be. On that stage, we’ll do the best we can. I know we will.”

She looks around at all of them, like she wants to offer words of comfort but doesn’t know how to, and Jessica wants to tell her that it’s okay, that what she said was enough, was what they needed to hear. But just like Taeyeon can’t seem to say what she wants to, Jessica can’t either. They’ve always been similar in this, too similar perhaps.

“We will,” Stephanie says brightly. “We’ll show them what Girls’ Generation can do.” She holds out her hand like she wants a high five. “Jigeumeun—”

“—So Nyuh Shi Dae!” they all cheer together, the first chant out of many.

 

It’s the day before their debut, and even though Jessica had been as anticipatory as she has been nervous, suddenly it’s like her nerves have taken control of her and she can’t stop shaking, can only breathe in shallow gulps, wants to sit down and lean her back against a cold wall and close her eyes and not think at all.

That isn’t really possible when they have a choreography to polish until they can get the high kick down to the exact angle, when they are trying to memorize lyrics even though they already know them by heart, when they have to make sure they look energized and fresh the next day even though they probably won’t catch a wink of sleep tonight.

It’s Taeyeon who finds her during a five-minute break that’s more like a two-minute one, who sits down beside her and looks in the same direction as her and soaks in the silence with her.

“I’m okay,” Jessica says, as even though Taeyeon hadn’t asked, she could see the question in her eyes.

“It’s okay to be nervous.”

“Are you nervous?”

Taeyeon exhales. “So badly. We’ve done so much, worked so hard and for so long to build up to three minutes on a stage.”

When she puts it like that, it’s a rather sad thought, but Jessica supposes that’s what idol life is. Years and years of sweat and tears, of vocal practice, dance practice, strict diets, sleepless nights, watching other trainees leave and wondering if you’ll be next, wiping your eyes after a harsh evaluation, smiling in front of a mirror over and over until it passes for genuine, practice and practice and practice, and all of that is going to cumulate on that stage.

And what if they don’t succeed? What if one of them forgets their line, or messes up a dance move? What if there’s a technical malfunction? What if the audience hates their performance? What if what if what if?

“What if we’re not good enough?” Jessica whispers.

Taeyeon looks at her in that solemn way. “We have to be,” she says, just like she did the other night. “And you will be. I believe in you.”

“I believe in you too,” Jessica returns, absolute faith in her voice just like that day she was talking to Stephanie about Taeyeon becoming an idol. And she was right, wasn’t she? They’ve made it this far. Surely, they can make it out there tomorrow too. “I believe in all of us. We can do this. We will do this.”

Taeyeon lets out a breath. She looks calmer, surer. “We will do this,” she repeats, and when Jessica holds out her hand on impulse, she takes it and laces their fingers together. Squeezes. Holds on tight.

We will do this.

 

And they do.

Later on, Jessica barely remembers what happened during the performance. It’s all a blur, flashing by so fast even though she had calculated everything down to the exact second in terms of when to breathe, when to smile, when to move.

Although the next day, they’ll watch a recording of the performance and analyze every tiny little mistake, from being half a beat off or moving a left foot rather than a right, for the moment they feel so excited and proud and overwhelmed that all they can do is get into a giant group hug and cling to each other.

Through all the flashing lights, the merciless cameras, the expectant eyes, this is the solid ground that they can always return to. Through the sea of other idols, the tides of mounting pressure, this is their anchor that reminds them of what they’re striving for. Managers can come and go, stylists can come and go, but they’ll always have each other.

Nothing lasts forever, especially not in their line of work, but they’ll always have this infinity that they made themselves, locked into this single moment.

 

“We did it.”

Jessica isn’t even sure who said the words. Maybe she did. Maybe another member did. Maybe they all did. Certainly, they must all be thinking it.

“I told you we would,” Sooyoung says with bravado that Jessica knows is forced but nevertheless appreciates.

“I don’t remember hearing you say that,” Hyoyeon says, “but I’ll give it to you.”

“It doesn’t matter who said it or didn’t,” Stephanie says. “We all believed it in our hearts. We believed in each other.”

She says it so earnestly and warmly that none of them even make fun of her for being cheesy. Well, Hyoyeon looks like she might have a go but Jessica says, “The only thing that could have held us back was ourselves, anyway. And we didn’t let that happen.” She glances at Taeyeon, whose mouth quirks up the tiniest bit. “As long as we believed in ourselves, that was enough.”

“Wow, Sica,” Sooyoung says. “That was beautiful. Have you been saving that?”

Jessica rolls her eyes. “Shut up.”

“It really was nice,” Sunkyu says. “You should give us pep talks more often.”

“You’re right, unnie,” Juhyun says. “That’s why people say you’re your own worst enemy.”

“I don’t know,” Yoona says. “I think Jessica unnie’s worst enemy is still cucumbers.”

They all have a good laugh over that, even though it isn’t that funny, maybe just due to the residual adrenaline in their systems. Given that they caught next to no sleep the previous night, they should be all snoring in their beds now, but Jessica has a feeling this might be another sleepless night for them.

For the second time in a row, that’s not such a bad thing for her.

 

“You’re here again, huh?” Jessica says conversationally, as if she meets Taeyeon in the middle of the night by the riverbank all the time.

Taeyeon doesn’t turn to look at her. “How did you know I was here?”

“This is like, your place. You’re not hard to find.” Jessica looks out into the water, wondering what’s happening beneath the deceptively smooth surface. “Are you planning to stay here all night?”

Taeyeon doesn’t reply, staring out into the darkness like she can find an answer to what she’s looking for written in the stars.

“You should at least wear another layer. The nights are colder than you would expect.”

Taeyeon still says nothing. Jessica wonders if she’s ignoring her or if she’s so lost in whatever she’s thinking that she can’t even hear her.

Jessica clears . “I guess that you want to be left alone. I’ll just go home then.” She hesitates, undoes the hoodie tied around her waist, and drapes it over Taeyeon’s shoulders, gently, trying to touch her as minimally as possible.

As she turns away, a hand catches her wrist. Taeyeon’s grip is so light that Jessica could easily shrug it off, but she stops in place.

“Stay,” Taeyeon says quietly.

Jessica does. Taeyeon doesn’t even look at her, continuing to stare out into the distance, but Jessica is okay with that. They stay like that, standing beside each other, silent, until the sun breaks over the horizon.

“Let’s go home,” Taeyeon finally says, as Jessica is trying to hold back a yawn.

“Okay,” Jessica says, as Taeyeon waits for her to fall into step beside her. “Home.”

 

Jessica finds herself dragged out to eat spaghetti with Stephanie once again. She calls her Tiffany on camera, they all do, and sometimes she even catches herself thinking of her as Tiffany, but this is so much like their old routine that there’s no way Jessica can think of her as a name other than Stephanie.

They end up in the very back of a small, family-owned restaurant run by an ahjussi and ahjumma who have absolutely no idea who they are but lament over how they’re too thin and always serve them extra portions. Business is usually on the slower side, and today there’s nobody here except for them.

“Are you ever going to tell her?” Stephanie asks.

Jessica almost chokes on a meatball. “What?”

“Taeyeon,” Stephanie says expectantly. “Are you ever going to tell her how you feel?”

Jessica takes several gulps of water to clear her airway. “It’s just a dumb crush. It’ll go away.”

“Are you still trying to tell yourself that?”

“We’re just settling in as a group, Steph. I can’t mess that up now. Maybe, after a while…”

“After how long? A month? A year? After we get a fanclub? After we win our first music stage? After we have our first concert?”

Jessica’s throat dries. “I see you’re thinking ahead.”

“Of course,” Stephanie says. “I know we’re going to do all of these things. It’s only a matter of time.”

“A matter of time,” Jessica repeats. “Well, it’s only a matter of time until I get over her. By the time all those things you said happen, I’m sure I’ll have moved on.”

“Are you sure about that?” Stephanie asks, eyes on Jessica’s face, searching, probing. “Are you still trying to tell yourself it’s just a ‘dumb crush’?”

Jessica laughs, high and airy. “Well, what else could it be? Don’t tell me you think I’m in love with her.” She twists the words, putting them in a mocking tone so they’ll seem like a joke, like a farce, like anything other than the truth.

Stephanie doesn’t relent. “That’s exactly what I think.”

“Why are you so invested anyway?”

“Because.” Stephanie looks hurt now. “You’re both my friends and my members. I care about both of you.”

Jessica looks down at her spaghetti, which is suddenly unappetizing. “It doesn’t matter. It doesn’t matter, because she can’t possibly feel the same way.”

“And how do you know that?”

“Because. She can’t.”

“I see the way you look at her, you know, and it’s rather obvious you feel a lot more than just a crush for her, dumb or not. But I see the way she looks back at you too.”

Jessica is silent for a moment. “I think you’re seeing what you want to see.”

“I think you’re choosing not to see what you’re not ready to face,” Stephanie counters. “Also, are you going to eat that or do you want to pack it up to go?”

Jessica idly rolls her fork around in sauce. “To go, I guess,” she says, although she doesn’t really want the rest of it.

“It’s okay, Jessi.” Stephanie’s voice is very gentle. She’s usually so loud and forceful that Jessica had forgotten she could be so gentle. “No matter what, we’ll always be here for you. The nine of us – we’re forever, right?”

Jessica holds out her hand like she’s starting their fan chant, and Stephanie meets Jessica’s palm with her own.

 

Taeyeon asks her for help on dancing, and it’s surprising enough that Jessica just stares at her for a moment before she finds a reply.

“You’re asking me for dancing help?” Jessica points to herself. “Me?”

“Yes, unless there’s another spirit living in your body.”

“But why would you ask me? You should ask Hyoyeon, or Yuri, or—”

Taeyeon keeps her eyes on Jessica’s, steady and unwavering. “I’m asking you because I want your help. Are you turning me down?”

“No,” Jessica says. “How could I turn you down?”

Taeyeon clears . “All right then, are you free now?”

“Now? As in, right now?”

“No, as in tomorrow now. Yes, as in right now.” Taeyeon looks exasperated but also something else. Fond, maybe. “Do you have time?”

“For you, always,” Jessica says, and the look in Taeyeon’s eyes makes her heart do a waltz.

 

Taeyeon flops onto the floor like a starfish, panting, her shirt having ridden up to expose a pale strip of skin at her abdomen.

Jessica sits down next to her and crosses her legs. “Come on,” she says cheerfully. “You wanted to dance. Chop chop.”

Taeyeon gives her a baleful look. “You’ve just been telling me what to do. What happened to dancing with me?”

“I said that I’d help you with your dancing. I never said I’d dance with you.” Jessica idly picks up a tuft of her hair and examines it for split ends. “This is just my teaching style.”

“You mean, being lazy? I thought that was just your way of life.”

Jessica offers a smile. “I prefer to call it being efficient.”

“Giving it a different name doesn’t change what it is.”

“Do you think so?” Jessica leans forward, as if they’re sharing a secret. “Does that mean that Tiffany and Stephanie aren’t two different people then?”

Taeyeon looks taken aback by the sudden topic change, but only for a second. “We’re idols. Are any of us the same people we show the public, stage name or no?”

It’s not the first time Jessica has asked herself that question, but even so, she still doesn’t have a concrete answer. Maybe there isn’t one. Their industry isn’t one of certainties, and despite their fan chant, that’s something she knows well already.

“Are you just asking me hard to answer questions to get out of dancing?” Taeyeon asks, her voice forcibly light.

“You’re supposed to be the one dancing,” Jessica shoots back. “Don’t think I haven’t noticed you slacking off.”

“I’m just trying to work efficiently,” Taeyeon says innocently, and Jessica laughs.

She gets to her feet, dusts off her pants, and offers a hand to Taeyeon. “Shall we dance?” she asks, suddenly reminded of an American movie that Stephanie had made her watch with her. Stephanie had sighed over the romantic elements, while Jessica was more than a little distracted by Jennifer Lopez in a crop top.

“You’re really going to dance with me?”

Jessica idly lifts a shoulder. “I wouldn’t want to be accused of being an irresponsible instructor, after all.”

Taeyeon takes her hand and stands beside her, and Jessica has to fight off the ridiculous urge to put her hand on Taeyeon’s shoulder or waist or back, just hold her in some way and move with her to some slow music only they can hear.

“I don’t know,” Taeyeon says. “I may still report you after this.”

“Guess I have to work hard to change your mind,” Jessica says, with a glint in her eyes. The members may call her ‘Sergeant Sica’ to mock her walk, but she has a drill sergeant side to her that they’ve rarely seen. Taeyeon is totally asking for it.

 

When Hyoyeon and Stephanie come into the practice room, they see Jessica taking deep gulps from a water bottle while Taeyeon seems to be doing her best approximation of a dying slug.

“Um,” Stephanie says eloquently. “TaeTae, are you okay?”

Hyoyeon nudges her with her foot, and Taeyeon lets out a weak groan. “She seems to be alive.”

“Oh, don’t mind her,” Jessica says, wiping her sweaty bangs away from her forehead. “We were just doing some choreo practice.”

Taeyeon mumbles something that none of them can make out.

“What was that, Taengoo?” Jessica asks sweetly.

“She’s a crazy drill sergeant,” Taeyeon croaks weakly. “Don’t ever ask her to help you with dancing.”

“You asked Sica to help you with dancing?” Hyoyeon asks.

“I mean, I told her to ask you or Yuri,” Jessica says. “She insisted on asking me, and then she complained I wasn’t really helping her.”

Stephanie pouts. “Jessi, I asked you to help me with my Korean the other day and you said you were too busy. And then you went to take a nap.”

“Exactly, I was busy napping. What’s your point?”

Stephanie gives her a look that clearly says I won’t make fun of you for your crush now, but just wait until we’re alone. Great, Jessica can’t wait.

“Okay, okay.” Hyoyeon sounds amused. “It’s good to see you applying yourself, Jessica. You’re a great dancer, you know.”

Jessica ducks her head. “Thanks.”

Stephanie giggles. “Jessi gets so shy at compliments. It’s cute.”

“If only she would believe them,” Taeyeon says, sounding more alive.

“You’re one to talk,” Jessica says. “The only people you listen to are the ones who say terrible things about us. Why can’t you get off those websites?”

“You read them too,” Taeyeon shoots back. “You even read the English ones.”

“I just want to stay informed about what people are saying about us. But you…”

“Here they go again,” Hyoyeon sighs. “They bicker like an old married couple, I swear.”

“They do, don’t they?” Stephanie says thoughtfully. “It’s kind of cute, but also kind of annoying.”

“Can you two go do your old married couple routine somewhere else?” Hyoyeon asks. “We’re actually trying to get some practice done here.”

“We don’t have an old married couple routine!” Jessica and Taeyeon say at the same time.

Hyoyeon raises an eyebrow. “Sure,” she says, sounding supremely unconvinced, while Stephanie just laughs beside her.

“Come on, Tae,” Jessica says, hauling her off the ground unceremoniously and ignoring the pitiful sound she makes. “Let’s go somewhere else away from these losers.”

“Have fun!” Stephanie calls behind them. “But not too much fun!”

Scratch that, Jessica can’t wait until they’re alone so she can kill Stephanie. Preferably in a drawn out, excruciatingly painful manner.

 

Juhyun is using one of the showers, and Jessica anticipates that she won’t be out for a while. She graciously allows Taeyeon to use the other shower first, because that’s just the kind of person she is.

Jessica has almost dozed off when Taeyeon says, “Okay, your turn.”

“Hmm?” Jessica says sleepily.

Taeyeon leans in; she smells like shampoo and steam, if steam were to have a smell. Her hair is damp but with the look that it had been vigorously towelled. “Didn’t you want to shower? Oh and Juhyun is out of the other one, if you would rather use that one.

“Right. Shower.” Jessica sits up and blinks. “I wanted to shower.”

Taeyeon laughs at her. Taeyeon looks nice bare-faced. Taeyeon looks nice in general. Jessica wants to keep looking at her, even though her eyelids are heavy and her body is heavier and crying out for sleep. She’s tired. She’s been tired for a long time, but when she’s with Taeyeon she always feels more awake.

“I know you’re tired,” Taeyeon says softly. Jessica starts; she must have spoken out loud. She hopes she didn’t say those other things. Then she’d have to go drown herself in the shower. She heard that it’s impossible to do that, but impossible has never met her. “You’ll feel better after a shower. Plus, you haven’t eaten yet. I’ll make you something so you can eat after you come out.”

“You’ll eat with me?”

“Yeah, we’ll have dinner together.”

Jessica smiles widely at that. “Okay,” she says, and drags herself off the couch somehow.

Taeyeon gives her a soft smile, but with that heavy look in her eyes again, one that Jessica feels even as she turns away. She has to fight the urge to flick it off her shoulders.

 

It turns out that the other members have already eaten, so it’s just Jessica and Taeyeon at the kitchen table. After the shower, Jessica feels much closer to a live person and has even found an appetite.

“Sorry I didn’t make anything better,” Taeyeon says. “We’re out of groceries.”

“It’s all right,” Jessica says, digging into her kimchi fried rice. “I like your fried rice.”

“I’m glad,” Taeyeon chuckles, “since it’s one of the only things I know how to make.”

“I mean, you have me beat,” Jessica says, although she doubts that means much.

They eat in amicable silence for a while. Jessica helps herself to seconds. Taeyeon really does make good kimchi fried rice. Even though it’s a dish that can be found anywhere and not one that Jessica’s parents made often, Taeyeon’s fried rice always reminds Jessica of home.

“Thanks for earlier,” Taeyeon says when they’re doing the dishes together later.

Jessica shuts off the water. “For what?”

Taeyeon doesn’t look up from where she’s forcefully scrubbing the pan. “You know, helping me with dancing.”

“I thought you said I was being a crazy drill sergeant.”

“Well, if that’s what gets the job done.” Taeyeon turns on the tap again so she can rinse. “Anyway, I know you’d rather be napping so. I appreciate it.”

“I wouldn’t rather be napping,” Jessica says quietly, “and you don’t have to thank me so much. We’re a group, that’s what we do for each other.”

“I hate it when the rice sticks to the pan,” Taeyeon says, frowning at the few stubborn kernels that won’t come off, “and how you can’t even use a steel wool on non-stick surfaces.”

“You can’t?” That’s news to Jessica. “Oops.”

Taeyeon laughs. “I knew it! You’re the reason our non-stick pans keep dying.”

“Hey, it was definitely Stephanie who ruined the last one. Don’t pin it on me.”

“She said it was you.”

“And you trust her over me?” Jessica would have put her hand over her heart if it weren’t covered in suds. “I’m hurt, Taengoo.”

“I trust you both equally,” Taeyeon says solemnly, “which also means I distrust your cooking equally.”

“Excuse me that I’m not Yuri,” Jessica huffs. “Also, don’t change the subject. You don’t have to…distance yourself, you know. Don’t shut us out. We’re a group for a reason. We’re here for each other.”

Taeyeon is silent for a while, head bowed like she’s absorbing the words. Jessica takes the sponge out of her hand and starts scrubbing at the pan herself. The rice at the bottom must have burned pretty badly to be this stuck, but the dish hadn’t tasted burned.

“That time you got sick and we went to get cold medicine together,” Jessica continues. “I promised to remind you if you ever forgot that. Here is your first reminder.”

Taeyeon finally speaks. “I knew.”

“Hmm?”

“I knew I’d need reminding. And I knew you’d be here to remind me.”

“I wish I didn’t have to remind you,” Jessica says, “but I’ll always be here.”

Taeyeon holds her eyes. “Thank you,” she says, in a different tone.

Jessica swallows and casts her eyes down to the sink. She finally gets the last of the rice off and makes a triumphant sound. “Hah rice, you thought you could defy me,” she says, voice dripping with satisfaction. “I didn’t even need a steel wool to defeat you.”

Taeyeon laughs. “It was foolish to think it could stand in your way. You’re incredible.”

Jessica thinks about saying, “I know, right?” or “you’re just discovering this now?” but something about the way Taeyeon’s looking at her renders her speechless.

“I’ll do the drying,” Taeyeon says. “You can go rest if you want. Tomorrow is going to be an even earlier day. You might want to go to bed early.”

“It’s all right,” Jessica says easily. “I’ll help you with drying.”

“Are you sure?”

“What if you run into another challenge like with the rice? You clearly need my help.”

“I clearly do,” Taeyeon says wryly. “It’s a good thing you’re here to help.”

I’ll always be here, Jessica thinks, but unlike just minutes ago, this time she can’t say the words. However, the way Taeyeon looks at her makes her think Taeyeon hears her anyway.

 

“You’re not asleep yet?” Hyoyeon says in surprise when she returns to their room hours later to see Jessica sitting up reading.

“I couldn’t fall asleep,” Jessica says. “Have you been practicing until now?”

“Yeah, mostly. We grabbed a quick dinner. I suggested coming back earlier but Fany really wanted to practice, and you know her – you can’t stop her when she has her mind set on something.”

“Yeah, I know.” She’s very well-acquainted with Stephanie The Brick Wall. “She’s been working so hard on dancing lately. I know Yul was helping her the other night. I hope she doesn’t push herself too hard.”

“Would she be Tiffany if she didn’t?”

“Stephanie,” Jessica corrects reflexively.

“Stephanie.” Hyoyeon scratches her head. “It gets confusing sometimes, doesn’t it?”

“It really does,” Jessica murmurs.

“Hey, maybe she’ll ask you for help next time, given how hard you worked Taeyeon today. She looked like a sweaty mess.”

Jessica almost flushes. “She asked for it.”

“I’m sure she did,” Hyoyeon says wryly. “I’m going to take a shower. Do you think you’ll be asleep by the time I come back?”

“Maybe. I don’t know. I thought I’d be asleep by now.”

“Are you having trouble sleeping? Is the apocalypse coming? I’m not ready to die yet.”

“Ha ha.” Jessica puts down her book. “Hey, Hyo.”

“Yeah?” Hyoyeon asks, looking up from gathering her towel and pyjamas.

“You’re a good friend, helping Fany for so long, especially on one of our rare off nights.”

Hyoyeon shrugs. “She would do the same for me. You would do the same for her, even if you’re always complaining about her.”

“Hey, my complaints are valid.”

“Tell Stephanie that,” Hyoyeon says with a smirk. “Plus, I could say the same for you and Taeyeon. You could have spent those hours napping.”

Jessica coughs. “Well, she very sincerely asked me for my help. I’d kind of be a bad Samaritan if I turned her down.”

“Right,” Hyoyeon says. “I’m sure you care a lot about being a good Samaritan.”

“Hey, just because you don’t doesn’t mean it’s not impor—” Jessica starts to refute, but Hyoyeon is already on her way out of the room. “Yah Kim Hyoyeon, don’t walk away when I’m talking to you!”

Needless to say, Hyoyeon doesn’t turn back.

 

It’s just Jessica’s luck that she has a CF to film with only Stephanie, and of course the other girl takes that as an opportunity to interrogate her.

“So,” Stephanie says expectantly. “How did your ‘practice’ go yesterday?”

“I was just helping her with her dancing. How did yours go with Hyo?”

“Oh, come on. I could feel the electricity between you two when I came into the room. There’s no way it was just a practice like with me and Hyo.”

“The electricity?” Jessica repeats with incredulity. “I think you’ve been reading too many romance novels. The only electricity between us was static electricity.”

“Come on, Jessi,” Stephanie whines. “You can’t honestly say nothing happened.”

“Well, something happened.” Jessica purposefully waits a beat. “I only found two split ends in my hair. It’s a vast improvement.”

Stephanie looks like she wants to strangle her. “Come on, I had to wait a whole day to ask you for some juicy details and this is what you tell me?”

“Juicy details? What am I, your new reality show? Sorry to disappoint you with my bland boring life.”

“You’re not a reality show to me. You’re my friend. I just want you to be happy. Both you and Taeyeon.”

Stephanie says it so softly and sincerely that Jessica almost feels bad for using sarcasm. Then she feels ridiculous, because Stephanie was the one acting like a wannabe Dispatch reporter.

“I am happy, and Taeyeon is—well, I don’t know. I feel like I don’t know her sometimes.” Jessica bites her lip. “Is that dumb?”

“No,” Stephanie says. “I’ve lived with TaeTae for more than three years and I still feel like that at times. She’s just so… What’s that word? Personal?”

“Private?” Jessica suggests, and Stephanie nods emphatically.

“Yes, private. She’s very private. I try to get her to confide in me and it’s like fighting a battle.”

“Are you winning or is she?”

“I guess we’re at a—what’s that word for when you’re stuck and neither of you can move forward?”

“A stalemate?”

“A what?” Stephanie asks, looking confused, and Jessica says the word in English.

“Ah, yes. A stalemate.” Stephanie sighs. “My Korean is still so bad.”

“It’s not bad. You’ve improved a lot. You’ve basically totally lost your accent.”

“Yours is much better.”

“I’ve lived here longer,” Jessica says. “Don’t be so hard on yourself.” She thinks about what Hyoyeon had said, that Stephanie wouldn’t be Stephanie if she weren’t so hard on herself, and she wonders if that’s a flaw or virtue.

“If I’m not, then I can’t improve, right?” Stephanie says. “Taeyeon says that too, but she shouldn’t talk given how she is.”

“She really shouldn’t,” Jessica says. “She is the last person on earth who should tell other people not to be hard on themselves.”

Stephanie suddenly giggles. “Honestly Jessi, you’re so cute. When you talk about her, your whole face just goes all soft and you get this dreamy look in your eyes.”

Jessica flushes. “Shut up. I do not do that.”

“You do so.”

“Do not.”

“Do so.”

“Do n—”

“Girls!” Their manager finds them, looking exasperated. “There you are! I turn my head for two seconds and you just disappear. You give me more anxiety than my three-year-old.”

“Sorry, oppa,” Stephanie says innocently, giving him puppy dog eyes with an expertise that would have put Sunkyu to shame. “Don’t frown so much. You’ll get wrinkles.”

“I already have so many wrinkles from you girls I’ve lost count,” he sighs, making a shooing gesture toward them. “Come on, let’s get going before we’re late for the next schedule.”

Stephanie loops an arm through Jessica’s and starts dragging her along. “We’re right behind you,” she says brightly.

Jessica wonders again why they’re friends.

 

“Why did you two take so long?” Sooyoung asks, when they arrive for their next schedule just on the cusp of punctuality. “Did you sneak off to get pizza or something?”

Stephanie sighs. “I wish. Jessi wouldn’t stop talking and ended up delaying us.”

Jessica gives her an incredulous look. “I wouldn’t stop talking?”

Yoona laughs. “Yeah, that sounds like Sica unnie.”

“I tried to tell her we had to get going,” Stephanie says, “but she was just so…absorbed.”

Sunkyu looks amused. “What were you talking about that was so absorbing?”

“Oh, mostly about T—” Jessica claps a hand over Stephanie’s mouth.

“Nothing much,” she says forcefully. “Right, Steph?” She gives Stephanie a meaningful look before releasing her hand, and Stephanie scowls at her.

“Yeah, Jessi was just saying how much she wants to go eat spaghetti with me next week. And how she’d pay for it.”

Jessica is once again gripped with a strong desire to put an end to Stephanie’s life.

“Right, Jessi?” Stephanie prompts brightly.

“Right,” Jessica says through gritted teeth. “I’m just such a great person like that.”

Hyoyeon nods sagely. “Sica is a Samaritan,” she says gravely, and when Jessica bursts into laughter and Hyoyeon follows suit, the rest of the girls exchange confused but then fond looks, like they have no idea what’s going on but are used to it.

That’s how they work.

 

During a break, Taeyeon approaches Jessica and hands her a water bottle, which she takes gratefully.

“So what were you and Stephanie talking about earlier?” Taeyeon asks casually.

“Oh, nothing much.” Jessica can’t bring herself to lie, but she obviously can’t tell Taeyeon the truth either.

“It must have been something for you to almost suffocate her over it.”

“I taught her some Korean. She was very impressed by my extensive vocabulary.”

Taeyeon laughs. “I mean, your vocabulary is pretty impressive.”

“I told her to take it easy. She’s been spending every free minute we have practicing.”

“I’ve noticed that too,” Taeyeon says, eyebrows drawing together. “I guess that mistake she made really got to her. She’s such a perfectionist.”

“You’re one to talk,” Jessica snorts, and Taeyeon gives a rueful smile.

“I guess that’s why we work so well as best friends.”

“Steph is concerned for you too,” Jessica finds herself saying. “You both push yourselves so hard, and you’re both more worried for the other person than you are for yourself.”

“Oh,” Taeyeon says. “She’s worried about me, huh.”

“She’s not the only one.”

“So you two were talking about me?” Taeyeon asks. Jessica can’t read her tone.

“I mean, I guess you came up in the many topics we discussed,” Jessica says with studied casualness.

Taeyeon reaches for the water bottle, which Jessica gives back to her, and takes a few sips of it. “It’s time to get back to work,” is all she says.

“You first, leader,” Jessica says, and when Taeyeon reaches for her arm, she’s so startled she almost flinches.

“You okay?” Taeyeon asks, with a look on her face like she finds Jessica strange but endearing.

“Yeah.” Jessica clears . “I’m right as rain.”

They walk back to the set together, arm in arm. Jessica had done that with Stephanie only a few hours ago, but it’s…different with Taeyeon. A lot of things are different with Taeyeon.

 

Jessica almost gets a year shaved off her life when a long-haired female figure appears by her bedside in the dead of night.

“I didn’t kill you, Kayako! Leave me alone.”

The light clicks on, to reveal Taeyeon staring at her like she’s crazy. “It’s just me.”

“Oh.” Jessica lowers her blankets, which she had raised in front of herself like a shield. “Ha ha, I knew that. I was just joking.”

Taeyeon shakes her head. “You’re incredible.”

“You’re the one who randomly came into my room in the middle of the night. Did you want to give me a heart attack?”

“I didn’t mean to scare you,” Taeyeon says, twisting her sleeves like a little kid. “It’s just that—I felt like taking a walk.”

“A walk,” Jessica repeats. “In the middle of the night?” Then again, this is Taeyeon, so she can’t say she’s surprised.

“I mean, what better time for a walk?” Taeyeon asks rhetorically. “So, um. Will you come with me?”

Jessica’s processing speed has never been great, and being startled at such an hour doesn’t help it.

“Of course, you don’t have to,” Taeyeon adds quickly. “I’m sorry, I know it’s really late and I’m sure you’d rather be sleeping. Just forget that I asked. I’ll just—”

She stops talking when Jessica touches her arm. “Just gives me a minute to get dressed.”

“Okay,” Taeyeon says meekly. “Thanks.”

“Thank me by not doing a Grudge at my bedside again. You took at least a year off my life just now, and I expect it back.”

“I’ll definitely repay you for it,” Taeyeon says, a promise in her voice, and Jessica shoos her away so she can change and also so Taeyeon won’t see how flushed her face is.

 

They walk together in companionable silence. When Jessica’s alone with Stephanie or Sooyoung or one of the other members, they always end up talking, whether about their lives or just some idle chatter. However, neither she nor Taeyeon is really the type for making small talk, so they don’t say a word to each other as they walk. It’s not awkward or strained; it’s just… It just is.

Taeyeon sneezes, the sound so loud that it makes Jessica jump a little. “Bless you,” she says on instinct.

“Thanks,” Taeyeon says, shivering a little.

“The evenings are cold. Why do you always wear so little?” Jessica says critically and, in a mirror gesture of what she had done last time, drapes the extra jacket she had brought over Taeyeon’s shoulders.

“Thanks,” Taeyeon says again. “I don’t know. I guess I don’t really think about it when I come outside. I just…need to get out, you know?”

“Get out of the dorm?”

“Get out of…of life, for a little while. Of being—what we are.” Taeyeon bites her lip. “Do you ever feel that way?”

Jessica looks at her, careful, intent. Taeyeon doesn’t meet her eyes. “Sometimes,” she says slowly. “Other times I’m too busy soaking it in. It’s really one or the other. No in betweens.”

“No in betweens,” Taeyeon repeats. “That’s a good way to put it.”

“I have an impressive vocabulary, remember?”

Taeyeon smiles. “How could I forget? Maybe you could teach Hyoyeon some Korean. You seem to be ahead of her even though you grew up in America.”

“I guess I should just open a school, since Stephanie is already one of my regular students.”

“Do you spend a lot of time tutoring her?”

“I mean, somebody has to help her so she doesn’t go out introducing herself as a mushroom every time.”

Taeyeon laughs. “She’s always complaining about how we’re never going to let that go.”

“Who could let something like that go? I mean, you guys won’t even let that time I couldn’t open a can of tuna go.”

Taeyeon snickers. “That was pretty priceless,” she says, but schools her expression into something more neutral when Jessica gives her a wounded pout.

“Fine, don’t ever ask me to cook for you.”

“There goes my fantasies,” Taeyeon says dryly, and Jessica’s heart skips a beat. She’s had more fantasies about Taeyeon than she would admit, but none of them involved food. Well, unless the one with the chocolate-covered strawberries counts… “Sica?”

“W-what?”

“Do you know where we are?”

“What? I was following you! Don’t tell me we’re lost.” Jessica takes a look around, but there’s nothing striking or familiar about their surroundings. They could be anywhere.

Taeyeon laughs. “I didn’t say that I don’t know where we are. I just asked if you do.”

Jessica scowls and elbows her. “Very funny. Is this the part in the movie where the serial killer shows up? Or is that you?”

“Well, I could be leading you into some kind of death trap,” Taeyeon says with a shrug. “Maybe this is my MO.”

“What, almost freezing your off?”

Taeyeon grins. “I mean, luring a pretty girl into the middle of nowhere in the middle of the night.”

Jessica’s cheeks heat up so much she worries that Taeyeon will see it even in the cloak of darkness. “There are a lot of middles in your plan. What’s the end of it?”

“I don’t know,” Taeyeon admits. “I haven’t gotten that far yet.”

“So you haven’t decided whether to kill me or not?”

“I’m leaning towards ‘not.’ You’re pretty fun to keep around.”

“I’m touched,” Jessica deadpans. “I wish I could say the same for you.”

Taeyeon laughs again, and Jessica turns her head to the side so Taeyeon won’t see her smile. A cold breeze rolls by and Jessica shivers, wrapping her arms around herself.

“Are you cold?” Taeyeon asks in concern, reaching to take off her borrowed jacket. “I’ll give this ba—”

“No, I’m fine. You keep it.”

“But you’re cold.”

“I’m fine.” To prove it, Jessica reaches for Taeyeon’s hand, and Taeyeon tenses up for a second before relaxing. Her skin is slightly cool to the touch. “See? My hands are warmer than yours.”

“Okay well, tell me if you’re cold.”

“I will.” Jessica realizes that she should let go of Taeyeon’s hand, but Taeyeon doesn’t seem to mind and so she continues holding onto it, onto her.

“Do you want to start heading back?” Taeyeon asks.

“I don’t mind if we keep on going.”

“At this rate, I don’t know where we’re going to end up.”

“Anywhere is fine if I’m with you.” The words slip out of their own accord. As soon as they do, she’s mortified, but Taeyeon gives no reaction other than slowing down for half a second before picking up her pace.

Minutes pass before Taeyeon says, in such a low voice that Jessica almost doesn’t hear her, “It’s the same for me.”

Without meaning to, Jessica’s fingers tighten around Taeyeon’s, and very deliberately, Taeyeon squeezes back.

 

They had lapsed back into their companionable silence, and only when they’re almost back at the dorm does Taeyeon speak.

“Do you think this is an in between?”

Jessica thinks about it for a moment. “Yeah, I think it is.” She hesitates but gets out, “I’m glad that I could share it with you.”

Taeyeon turns to look directly at her, her features bathed by the light of a street lamp. “I’m glad too.” She seems to want to say something but is facing a struggle of her own, and Jessica doesn’t push her, instead waiting patiently for her to speak. “About what you said earlier.”

“What did I say?” Jessica asks, mind racing.

“That I don’t have to distance myself or shut you out. All of you, I mean. I’ve been thinking about it.”

“And what did you come up with?” Jessica prompts, gentle.

Taeyeon is averting her eyes again. “I can’t say that I never meant to. It’s just that. I don’t want to have to rely on people, you know. And I guess I didn’t want to have to rely on you guys.”

Jessica doesn’t miss her use of the past tense. “Didn’t?”

Taeyeon exhales. “I’m trying. It’s not—I mean, I can’t just suddenly change the way I think. But I’m trying.”

“Taeyeon,” Jessica says softly. “That’s all anyone can ask of you: that you try. And we know you are. We’re not asking for more than that.”

“Are you not?” Taeyeon murmurs. They had walked past the reach of the street lamps, and her face is once again cast into shadow.

“Not on purpose. I mean – it goes both ways. We feel like we can rely on you, and we want you to feel like you can rely on us. It’s a two-way street.”

“A two-way street,” Taeyeon repeats, eyes training on Jessica, looking too old for her face.

“Tae,” Jessica starts, soft, but she doesn’t know how to finish and so she stops there.

Taeyeon exhales, and even though it’s not nearly cold enough for her breath to be visible, Jessica can almost see the trail it leaves behind. Only the tips of her fingers can be seen past the sleeves of Jessica’s jacket. Somewhere along the way back, they had let go of each other’s hands. Jessica isn’t sure who let go first.

“We’re back,” Taeyeon says, and only then does Jessica notice that they’ve returned to their dorm. “I don’t know how much sleep you’ll be able to catch up before we have to be up.”

“Tae.”

“I’ll wake you up last so you can get in a few more minutes.”

“Taeyeon.”

She seems to realize that Jessica isn’t going to let it go and replies with a wary, “Yeah?”

“Next time you want to lure me into the middle of nowhere in the middle of the night, turn on the light so I don’t mistake you for The Grudge.”

Taeyeon’s laughter sounds startled, almost on edge at first, but then it smooths out into her regular, full-bodied ahjumma laughter.

“Deal,” she says, and Jessica smiles as she follows Taeyeon past the front door. She’s ready to squeeze out every single second of sleep she can.

 

Jessica almost falls asleep when brushing her teeth. Taeyeon has to nudge her to keep her awake, and then half-guides, half-drags her into her room. Jessica is about to collapse into her bed, which has a strange misshapen lump in it, when Taeyeon grips her shoulder.

“Wrong bed,” she says, a smile in her voice, and Jessica realizes that the strange misshapen lump is Hyoyeon.

“Oops,” she says, and manages to find her bed and blissfully falls onto it. There’s a louder thump than she expected, and something pointy is digging into her back, and then she realizes that something is Taeyeon’s elbow. She had somehow pulled Taeyeon into bed with her. “Sorry.”

“It’s okay.” Taeyeon seems to be trapped partly under her. Jessica can’t say that she hasn’t had this fantasy before, but she’s usually looking at Taeyeon in them, whereas now she can barely keep her eyes open. “Uh Sica, I’m kind of stuck.”

“It’s okay,” Jessica says sleepily, pulling Taeyeon closer with her remaining strength. “I got you.”

Taeyeon says something, or so she thinks, but she’s too far gone to hear her.

 

“Well, well, what do we have here?”

Jessica cracks open an eye to see Hyoyeon looking down at her with an amused expression.

“Five more minutes,” Jessica mumbles, and tightens her hold on whatever plushie is tucked against her. Wait, she doesn’t have any plushies this big. And plushies shouldn’t be warm and breathing softly and have eyes that blink open and stare at Jessica from a familiar face.

An ear-splitting scream fills the dorm, drowning out the surprised yelp that comes almost at the same time.

For the next week, Sooyoung will complain about how her ears were already faring poorly from constant exposure to Stephanie, and now she’s pretty sure she’s sustained permanent hearing damage.

“You have permanent hearing damage?” Hyoyeon snorts. “I was right beside her when she screamed. I still can’t hear properly from this ear.”

“I said I was sorry,” Jessica mutters sullenly into said supposedly busted ear, and Hyoyeon says loudly to no one in particular, “And you can’t exactly call her ‘well, you shouldn’t have creepily stood beside my bed and startled me’ an apology.”

“What I want to know is why you were sleeping in Jessica’s bed,” Sunkyu says to Taeyeon.

“We went for a walk and when we came back, she was too tired and just fell asleep on me,” Taeyeon says defensively.

“And you couldn’t get up and leave?” Yuri asks.

“Jessica was too heavy,” Taeyeon says, ignoring Jessica’s indignant “hey!” like she hears nothing. “I couldn’t get her off me.”

“We all know how hard it is to get Jessi to do anything when she’s sleepy, not to mention asleep,” Stephanie says, throwing an arm around Jessica’s shoulder. “Now come on, let’s go get ready before manager oppa yells at us and takes away what’s left of Sooyoung and Hyoyeon’s hearing.”

As they clear out, Jessica turns to Stephanie and mouths thanks, and Stephanie raises her eyebrows in a clear tell me about it later gesture.

Jessica sighs and resigns herself to the interrogation.

 

Someone has the genius idea of saddling Jessica and Stephanie with dinner duty, that someone being named Choi Sooyoung.

“You’ve never made dinner!” Stephanie protests.

“What?” Sooyoung asks loudly, cupping her ear. “I can’t hear you, I’m still recovering.”

“I’ll give you something to recover from,” Jessica mutters, cracking her knuckles.

“Now, now, Sica,” Yuri says. “This is a good opportunity for you and Fany to practice your cooking skills.”

“No getting takeout,” Sunkyu adds. “That’s cheating.”

“This will be good for you,” Hyoyeon says. “Try not to burn anything down.”

“I don’t think Sica unnie and Fany unnie are that inept,” Juhyun says. Jessica would have felt touched if it weren’t for the ‘that.’

“I wouldn’t bet on it,” Yoona mutters. “Where’s the fire extinguisher again?”

“Let’s not discourage them,” Yuri says diplomatically.

Jessica turns to her last resort, who had been the only silent one thus far, with a pout. “Taengoo,” she whines, and Taeyeon looks faintly alarmed. “This isn’t fair.”

“Well,” Taeyeon starts, but Stephanie interrupts her.

“No it’s okay, Jessi and I will have fun, right Jessi?” She turns to Jessica with a bright smile that holds a distinct threat underneath. “This can be a bonding moment for us!”

“Er…”

“But since this was your idea, you’re not allowed to complain that what we make isn’t good,” Stephanie says to Sooyoung, pointing a finger at her. “Now, why don’t you guys go find something to do? Outside.”

“You’re chasing us out?” Sunkyu asks with an arched eyebrow.

“Yeah, I don’t want an audience while we’re cooking.” Stephanie hooks an elbow through Jessica’s and ignores her acerbic glare. “That’s too much pressure. You guys can come back in an hour and a half.”

Don’t leave me with her, Jessica mouths at Taeyeon, who gives her a sympathetic look before saying, “Come on, kids, let’s leave before Tiffany yells at us and does more damage to Sooyoung’s ears.”

“She’s already yelling,” Sooyoung says, but dutifully heads toward the door. The rest of the girls follow without complaint. They probably don’t want to bear witness to the disaster that’s about to take place in the kitchen.

“We’ll be back in ninety minutes,” Taeyeon says. “I hope you have something edible ready by then.”

“Have some faith in us, TaeTae,” Stephanie says, grabbing Jessica’s hand and forcing her to wave. Jessica eyes the sharpest knife they have surreptitiously. “Maybe we’ll surprise you.”

“I look forward to it,” Taeyeon says wryly, shepherding the other girls out the door before giving Jessica a long look. “Good luck, Sica.”

“You’re not going to wish me good luck?” Stephanie asks in a hurt voice.

“I mean good luck with Fany,” Taeyeon says, and then hurries out before Stephanie can unleash her wrath on her.

Jessica waits to make sure she’s long gone before saying, “I can’t believe you told everyone to get out so you can grill me in private.”

“Grill you?” Stephanie asks innocently. “I don’t know what you mean.”

“Did you put Sooyoung up to this?”

“Jessi, you really think I would volunteer to make dinner to get a chance to talk to you?”

“Good point,” Jessica concedes. “Also, what are we going to do about that?”

“I don’t know,” Stephanie admits.” I was hoping you’d have an idea.”

“Last time I had an idea, you guys complained I used up all the oil to fry rice.”

Stephanie wrinkles her nose. “You did use a lot of oil.”

“Excuse me—”

“But now that we’re alone,” Stephanie cuts in, excitedly clapping her hands together. “Don’t you have something you want to tell me?”

Jessica pretends to think about it for a second. “No, not that I can recall.”

“Jessi,” Stephanie whines.

“Nothing happened,” Jessica says truthfully.

“That’s what you always say!”

“Because it’s true. Nothing happened, nothing is happening, nothing will happen.”

Stephanie frowns. “That’s very pessimistic of you.”

“I’m not being pessimistic, I’m being realistic.”

“That’s what pessimists say.”

“Because optimists like you don’t understand.”

“Don’t understand what? That dreams can come true?” Stephanie studies her for a moment. “Jessi, do you think that if I didn’t believe dreams can come true, I would have come all the way to Korea? And if they don’t come true, how am I here?”

Jessica doesn’t know how to answer that, and what she finds herself saying is, “Taeyeon isn’t my-my dream, okay. Our lives aren’t some love story.”

“I don’t know, maybe they could be, if you try,” Stephanie says. “You have a pretty great introduction all set up. It’s just up to you to reach the .”

Jessica gapes at her, but judging from Stephanie’s expression, she has no idea what she just said. Well, Jessica sure isn’t going to explain it to her.

“What?” Stephanie asks, sounding confused. “Why are you looking at me like that?”

Jessica shakes her head. “Nothing.” She hesitates. “Do you really think…”

“…that something can happen between you two? Yes.”

“But what if…”

“She rejects you?” Stephanie finishes. “It’s possible, but I don’t think it’s likely. Plus, you’ll never know if you don’t try. What’s the worst thing that could happen?”

“She could hate me,” Jessica says immediately.

“Jessica,” Stephanie says softly. “Taeyeon could never hate you.”

“Well, things would become awkward between us. She’d probably avoid me all the time and never talk to me again.”

“She could, but I don’t think she would.”

“You really think she might feel the same way?” Jessica asks, grasping onto the idea like a drowning person clutching a lifesaver.

“I think she does feel the same way.”

“Then why won’t she say something?”

“Jessi.” Stephanie looks at her like she’s crazy. “It’s Taeyeon.”

Well. There’s nothing Jessica can say against that.

 

“So ‘nothing’ happened last night?” Stephanie asks, like she doesn’t believe an ounce of it.

“Well. She freaked me out showing up in my room in the middle of the night and then she asked me if I want to take a walk.”

Stephanie nods slowly. “And did you accept?”

“Well—yeah. And then we went for a walk, and came back. That’s all.”

“Let me see,” Stephanie says. “You went for a romantic midnight stroll together, just the two of you—”

“That’s not—”

“—and then you came home and slept together. I mean, in the same bed together, and you woke up lovingly holding each other—”

“We did not!”

“You definitely did. Hyo even has the pictures to prove it.”

Jessica scowls. “Why do you even ask me things if you’re just going to weave your own story?”

“Because it’s fun watching you blush and stutter about Taeyeon,” Stephanie says brightly.

“I do not—” Jessica starts indignantly, but as usual, Stephanie doesn’t give her a chance to finish her sentence.

“Also, that definitely doesn’t sound like ‘nothing.’ Did she talk to you? Like, really talk?”

“Yeah, she did,” Jessica says, thinking about their in between.

“And it’s not the first time she did, is it?”

“No, I guess not.”

Stephanie nods, like that just proved her point. “You know how Taeyeon is. Getting her to talk is like…”

“…getting you to shut up?”

Stephanie glares at her, but doesn’t refute it. “She barely opens up to me, and that’s because I’ve been pushing her to for the past three years.”

“I think the word you’re looking for is ‘pester.’”

Stephanie just ignores her. “You think Taeyeon shows that level of trust to everybody?” she asks. “You’re special to her, Jessi. It’s obvious. Except not to you, apparently.”

Jessica lowers her head, and her gaze lands on her watch incidentally. “It’s been over half an hour.”

“So what?” Stephanie asks carelessly.

“That leaves us less than an hour to prepare a meal for nine people.”

Stephanie’s mouth opens, and then closes. “Oh.”

 

Yuri and Hyoyeon, the two head chefs among them, look down at the steaming dishes in front of them with scrutinizing expressions.

“So, you made this, huh?” Yuri finally says.

“Yes,” Stephanie says, with a sweet smile that radiates innocence and sincerity. If Jessica a) wasn’t here all along and b) didn’t know her, she might even have fallen for it. “We worked very hard, right Jessi?”

“Uh, right,” Jessica says. “Super hard.”

Hyoyeon snorts. “Do you think we were born yesterday? Like you could—”

Taeyeon clears . “It looks delicious! Let’s dig in.”

“I’m starving,” Yoona chimes in. “Come on, can we stop staring at the food and eat already?”

“I’ll get the bowls,” Juhyun says, heading to the cupboards.

“Good job,” Sunkyu says, clapping Jessica and Stephanie on the back. “What’d you do with the takeout containers?”

“What takeout containers?” Jessica says, at the same time Stephanie replies, “We put them in the outside garbage.”

Jessica groans and puts her face in her hands, while Sooyoung bursts out laughing.

 

It’s an enjoyable dinner all around. Jessica can’t imagine how it would have been had they really tried to cook. The girls might not have an intact dorm to return to.

Sunkyu shakes her head. “I can’t believe you two got takeout even though we specifically told you not to.”

“I can believe it,” Sooyoung says immediately.

“So can I,” Hyoyeon says. “You really expected these two to cook?”

“Hey, have a little more faith in us,” Stephanie says. “Next time we’ll make your taste buds explode with flavour.”

“I think you can leave out the ‘with flavour’ part,” Sooyoung says, and everyone laughs except a pouting Stephanie.

“Whose idea was it to get takeout?” Yuri asks Stephanie. “Yours or Jessica’s?”

They exchange glances.

“I guess it was both of ours,” Jessica says with a shrug. “It was her idea to pass it off as our cooking though. I didn’t think you guys were dumb enough to fall for it, but Fany probably would have if it was the other way around.”

“Hey!” Stephanie protests.

Taeyeon disguises her snicker as a cough. “Well, what can I say, you two did surprise me.”

“In a good or bad way?” Jessica asks, eyes locked on hers.

“In…an interesting way,” Taeyeon replies. She has a bit of food on the corner of again, but this time, Jessica doesn’t dare reach for it.

 

Jessica can’t stop thinking about what Stephanie said. How wonderful. As if it’s not enough that Stephanie’s annoying loud voice haunts her waking life, now it’s haunting her thoughts too. She wonders if there’s such a thing as an exorcism for thoughts.

Can it be true? Can Taeyeon really have feelings for her? Stephanie has hinted at it before, but she’s never actually full out said it. Then again, Jessica never gave her the opportunity. She doesn’t know what had her tongue so loose that day in the kitchen, but she can’t quite bring herself to regret it.

Well, she regrets it about ten times a day, but at the end of it she knows that she needed to have a talk like that. And as annoying loud Stephanie as Stephanie is, she’s a great friend when it comes down to it.

Not that Jessica is ever going to admit it.

 

“Did you enjoy your bonding time with Fany?”

“Bonding time?” Jessica repeats blankly, and then realizes that Taeyeon is talking about their cooking endeavour, if you can even call it that. “Well, I wanted to attack her with a knife.”

Taeyeon laughs. “I know what you mean. I’ve had those feelings too.”

“I mean, she still has all her limbs so clearly your feelings weren’t strong enough.”

“Yours must not have been either,” Taeyeon points out, “especially since you were within reach of a knife.”

“Well, I figured the company wouldn’t be happy with me if I deliberately injured one of our members.”

“Right, so you only held yourself back because of that.”

“Basically.” Jessica shrugs, and Taeyeon laughs again.

“You complain all the time about Tiffany, but you spend most of your spare time with her.”

“That’s because she holds me hostage,” Jessica says. “I don’t do it out of my free will.”

“What does she hold you hostage with?”

My not so secret not so dumb crush on you, Jessica thinks, while trying to think up an excuse.

Taeyeon freezes. “What?”

Jessica freezes too. “What what?”

“Your…your what on me?” Taeyeon breathes, and Jessica realizes she said that out loud. . .

“My…nothing! I said nothing!” Jessica is panicking now. “I…”

Taeyeon stares at her for so long that Jessica feels like she might hyperventilate. “You have a crush on me?” she finally says, quiet and measured, neither her voice nor her gaze betraying any emotion.

“No, I don’t.” Jessica steels herself. “I’m in love with you.”

It’s the first time she’s put it in such words, whether in her thoughts or her speech. She’s admitting it to herself as much as she’s admitting it to Taeyeon. For so long, she had tried to convince herself that her feelings were a simple crush, a dumb crush, even. But she’s known for a long time that they’re neither simple nor dumb. What she feels for Taeyeon is beyond admiration or infatuation, beyond what she ever expected to feel, not just for a girl or a member of her group but anyone.

“Oh.” Taeyeon is silent for a long moment. “You beat me to it.”

Jessica stares at her and doesn’t understand why she can’t see Taeyeon clearly until she realizes there are tears in her eyes. “What?”

Taeyeon smiles, that elusive dimple making an appearance. “I love you too.”

 

“Hey.” Taeyeon’s voice is gentle, and her fingers are even gentler as they wipe away Jessica’s tears. “Sica, don’t cry. I didn’t think you’d cry when I told you that.”

“Told me what?” Jessica says thickly.

“That I love you.” This time, Taeyeon looks awkward as she says it, and it’s so Taeyeon that it makes Jessica stop crying.

“You – you do?” Jessica whispers, like if she speaks at a normal volume it’ll shatter this precious and precarious moment. “You really do?”

Taeyeon frowns. “Of course I do. Do you think I say that to everybody who confesses to me?”

“Well, I don’t – wait, who else is confessing to you?”

Taeyeon chuckles. “Just—some people. I mean, I’m sure there are people who confess to you too.”

Jessica flashes back to some awkward encounters with other trainees and even another idol, but—“It doesn’t matter, because none of them are you.”

Taeyeon’s gaze goes soft, but remains as intense as before, and suddenly Jessica remembers all the times that Taeyeon had stared at her with that same intensity.

“Well,” Taeyeon says. “It’s the same for me.”

Jessica isn’t sure if it’s she or Taeyeon who leans in first, but then Taeyeon’s mouth is on hers and that’s all she can focus on.

 

“Do you think we should tell them?” Jessica asks. She doesn’t specify who ‘them’ is; she doesn’t need to.

“Well, you’re a terrible actress so I don’t think we’d be able to hide it for long,” Taeyeon says in a matter-of-fact tone.

“Excuse me, like you’re such a good one yourself,” Jessica huffs.

“I must be a better one than I thought if you couldn’t tell how I feel about you.”

Jessica bites her lip. “Stephanie said it’s obvious you l-like me too but…”

“You didn’t believe her?”

Jessica is silent for a moment. “I couldn’t afford to believe her. I couldn’t afford to convince myself that you feel the same way only for… Maybe I am a pessimist.”

“Well, if it helps, I felt the same way.”

“That just means we’re both pessimists.”

Taeyeon tilts her head to the side in thought. “Maybe put together we can make an optimist.”

Jessica bursts out laughing. “I don’t think that’s how it works.”

“Hey, you never know. Multiplying two negatives together makes a positive.”

“You’re such a nerd, Tae,” Jessica says, but she sounds entirely too fond as she says it.

 

“How long?”

Taeyeon absently walks her fingers up Jessica’s arm, and then down again. “Hmm?”

Jessica tries to stamp down on her oncoming blush. “How long have you…you know, about me?”

“I haven’t you know-ed you yet, but if this is an invitation…”

“Kim Taeyeon!”

Taeyeon laughs so hard that Jessica can feel it in her own body. “Well, I’m not sure exactly. Since we were trainees, probably.”

“Oh.”

“I mean, I wasn’t sure back then. I just knew that I really liked singing with you. It felt…different from singing with anyone else, and I didn’t want to sing with anyone else.” Taeyeon is the one to blush now. “It sounds dumb when I put it like that.”

“No. I felt the same way. I feel the same way.”

“That’s kind of tough, considering you have to sing with seven other people besides me.”

“They can wait in line,” Jessica says dismissively, and Taeyeon laughs again. “It’s always been…special to sing with you,” she says, quieter. “At first, I tried to tell myself it was just that. I didn’t succeed for long.”

“Neither did I.” Taeyeon exhales. “I guess we’re bad at staying away from each other.”

“Did you try to stay away from me?”

“If I did, it didn’t work.”

“Good,” Jessica says, gripping her hand. “I’m not letting you get away. Don’t even try to fight me on this.”

Taeyeon gives a soft chuckle. “Okay, I won’t. I think that’d be a lost battle.”

“It’s good you have that awareness,” Jessica says, leaning her head against Taeyeon’s shoulder. “Hey, Tae?”

“Yeah?”

“Would you still be a painkiller?”

“I don’t know,” Taeyeon says after a while. “Would you still be a sleeping pill?”

“Actually, I’d like to be the opposite. A waking pill, if there’s such a thing.”

“You mean, like caffeine?”

“No, I mean a waking pill,” Jessica says insistently. “They’re totally different things, okay?”

“Okay, whatever you say,” Taeyeon says indulgently, running a hand through her hair. Jessica relaxes into her touch and closes her eyes.

“Tae?”

“Hmm?”

“I’ll be your painkiller if you’ll be my waking pill.”

Taeyeon gives another chuckle. “Deal,” she says, and Jessica smiles as she sinks into the welcoming embrace of sleep.

 

Jessica dreams of a beautiful voice that sings to her, although she can’t see the face behind the music. When she surfaces to consciousness, she hears that same voice, except now it’s speaking rather than singing.

“—know I should have said something earlier, but you don’t know how scared I was of losing you. I still am, but hopefully it’s not showing. At least before, I couldn’t really lose you because I never even had you, but now.”

A long pause.

“I know you said that all anyone expects of me is to try but…what if trying isn’t enough? That’s what I’m scared of. That no matter how hard I try, I won’t be enough.”

Jessica can’t pretend to be asleep any longer. “You will be. You already are.”

Taeyeon jumps so hard that she almost jerks off the couch. “You-you were awake?”

“Only for the past minute or so,” Jessica says, almost apologetically.

Taeyeon squeezes her eyes shut for a second. “Would you believe me if I said you’re still dreaming?”

“No, but I did dream about you.”

“You dreamed about me?”

“Yes,” Jessica says, and then, “Tae, you are enough. You are.” She wants to say more, she wants to erase Taeyeon’s doubts, ease her insecurities, but she knows she can’t do all of that now, if ever. All she can do is support Taeyeon, encourage her, accompany her during those sleepless nights and listless days. “I know you don’t believe me now, maybe you’ll never fully believe me, but I’m here for you and with you. I’ll always be here.”

I’ll always be here.

When she said those words to Taeyeon while they were elbow deep in suds together, maybe she hadn’t realized the full weight of her words. She does now, and she can hear the conviction threaded through each word, the promise resonating in each syllable. She hopes that Taeyeon can too.

Taeyeon looks at her for a very long moment, with that unreadable look again, except maybe now it isn’t so unreadable. Maybe Jessica had finally learned to read her and instead of merely reading, they can now write their story together.

“Always?” Taeyeon asks, like it’s a word she doesn’t dare to believe in. Jessica will just have to teach her that she can and she should in it, in them.

“Always,” Jessica says.

 

(“I knew it!” Stephanie crows, and actually breaks into a victory dance. “I knew this would happen.”

Taeyeon sighs. “Why did I know you were going to react like this?”

“What did I say, Jessi?” Stephanie is beaming even harder than usual. “I told you she feels the same way!”

“Okay fine, you were…right.” Jessica somehow gets the word out through her teeth.

Stephanie claps her hands together. “I’m so happy for you two! Let me hug y—wait, do you have clothes on?”

Jessica blushes and is about to lift the blanket over their fully clothed bodies, but then Taeyeon puts a hand on top of hers and stops her.

“Give us a minute and we’ll put some on,” Taeyeon says. “Do you mind turning around?”

“You know what, I’ll hug you later. You two, um, enjoy your aftershine!” Stephanie claps a hand over her eyes even though they haven’t moved before turning around and practically running out of the room.

“Why did you say we were ?” Jessica hisses, punching Taeyeon in the arm.

“I didn’t say that, I just said we’ll put some clothes on. Besides, how else was I supposed to get rid of her?” Taeyeon rubs her arm. “You hit really hard, Sica.”

“You deserved it,” Jessica tells her, but hurries to massage the area.

“What does ‘aftershine’ mean?”

“I think she means afterglow.”

“Ohhhhh. Well, I guess we should get to work on that.”

“What do you m—” Jessica starts to ask, but the rest of her reply is lost against Taeyeon’s mouth.)

---

A/N: I started this in October and finished it at 5am last morning, so you can imagine. I think I lost some of the flow towards the end of this fic because I got stuck at this one part for months. At one point, I wondered if I would ever be able to finish this and I debated whether I should post it while it was incomplete or not. Looking back, I'm really glad that I didn't. This is officially the longest oneshot I have ever written.