It had only been a short while since we lost one of our dearest friends.

A friend who had been just like family.

No-one had seen it coming, really. Although he had always been quite a gloomy and emotional person, no-one had expected him to be feeling this bad. Everyone thought he would be okay – but he hadn't been. He wasn't going to be okay and no-one knew. Maybe if someone knew there might have been a chance of him making it …

I took in a deep breath and snapped out of it. My thoughts were wandering all the time lately, it had gotten even worse a couple of weeks ago. I couldn't focus on my work, couldn't focus on my friends or my studies. Nothing worked. Everything was complicated. And I didn't know what to do.
Next to me was Kibum, in front of me were Minho and Jinki. We were on our way back home from a schedule. It had been a long and tiring day, as usual. I didn't even know how I managed to keep up with everything.

“Look at this.” Kibum said with a chuckle and showed me his phone. On the screen I saw picture of my head, my hair sticking out to all directions and my eyebrows furrowed in a playful matter. He had taken the picture while we had been fooling around during practice for our upcoming concert in Japan. “This is adorable. I'm gonna upload it.” he said and chuckled again softly. He took his phone back to himself and started typing. His legs were crossed so that his knee was resting on my thigh. I just nodded and leaned my head against the window, just thinking.
Kibum seemed to have recovered the most out of all of us, but I was sure that he wasn't as okay as he said he was. Just a few days ago he had called me in the middle of the night, completely drunk and crying. I had barely been able to understand what he was saying, but I figured he just wanted someone to listen. I figured he was hurting a lot. Maybe even as much as I was. Although I didn't think that was actually possible.

Minho was also hurting a lot. Although he didn't want to show it and preferred to stay alone and grief I knew that he didn't know how to process this. He didn't now how to get better.
Jinki had changed during the past two months. He talked less, smiled less, did everything he usually did less. Except for drinking. He drank much more since we lost our friend. I figured it must have been his way to escape reality for a while and pretend that everything was still okay. Just pretend.

I felt my eyes stinging and looked outside as the city of Seoul passed us by. We were going to drop off Minho first since he lived nearby, then Jinki and then me. I blinked and squeezed my eyes shut as the bright lights of the billboards shone directly into my eyes and only looked outside again when we had passed them. We were in the downtown area now and passing places that were filled with young people who were going out for a drink or going out to dance. There was a painful sting in my heart as I saw a club that I used to go to with my friend years ago. So many people had queued outside, waiting to get in and I remembered how he had always joked that we'd never get in if we weren't celebrities.

As we kept driving I watched the night view of Seoul and thought about how he had always liked it so much. How he had always texted or called me when he had been on his way to his radio show. How he had known the city at night better than during the day. And how he had always joked that he resembled the moon since he always came out at night.

“I'll see you guys tomorrow.”
I blinked and looked up when I heard Minho's voice. He was already getting out of the car as the others had told him bye. Apparently I had been lost in my thoughts again and didn't even notice how the car had stopped. Out of the corner of my eye I saw Kibum looking at me but didn't look back at him. I didn't feel like talking to him about his Instagram update, the pictures he took during practice or whatever funny video someone had sent him. He was just trying to cheer me up but I sometimes just didn't want that. I just wanted to be left alone with my feelings and thoughts.

It didn't take us long to get to Jinki's place and when he got out and told us goodnight both, me and Kibum, knew that he was going to drink again tonight. He just had that expression in his eyes.
As we drove off after he got out I looked back at him and saw how he pulled the hood of his jacket over his head before entering the convenience store next to his apartment building.

“What are you thinking about?” Kibum eventually asked me. He had his phone squeezed between his thighs and his head turned to me. When I looked at him I noticed how his fringe fell into his eyes and how his make up was coming off slowly, there was even a bit of mascara that had come down to his cheek. But lately he didn't really bother all that much.
“Nothing.” I said and looked at him. He looked concerned. “Really.”
I felt like we were having a staring contest. Our eyes were locked and neither of us moved. The only sound was the running motor of the car. I knew that he knew that I was lying. Of course he did. Kibum had always been able to read me like an open book.
“You know,” he eventually said as we stopped at a red light, “I'm there for you. If you wanna talk.” he reached out his hand and put it on my shoulder. A small smile had come up on his lips but I also saw his eyes getting teary. “I know how you're feeling … this is … this is difficult for all of us …”

“I know.” I replied, my mouth getting dry. “I'm okay.”

“You don't have to pretend you're okay.”

“I'm not.” my voice had gotten a bit shaky which proved that I was far from being okay. That I was anything but okay. And he noticed. But he didn't say anything about it. Instead he just nodded and gave my shoulder a gentle squeeze. He said “Well, if you're ever not okay, just let me know” and then leaned back again in his seat. I just looked at him for what felt like ages until I noticed that the car had stopped. When I looked outside the window I saw my apartment building right in front of me. “I'm just a phone call away,” Kibum added quietly and caught my attention again, “alright?”
I felt tears coming up in my eyes and just looked at him. Although he offered me so much love and support I could see it in his eyes that he wouldn't be able to cope with my suffering. He was hurting too much. He wasn't strong enough to carry us both. But of course I didn't tell him that. Instead I gave him a tiny smile, nodded and thanked him for everything he did for me. By the way his bottom lip started to tremble I could tell that he appreciated my words. However, neither of us said anything else as I grabbed my bag and climbed out of the car. I didn't turn around to watch the car drive off either. Instead I looked up at the tall building in front of me before heading inside.

The elevator ride felt like an eternity to me. It seemed to stop at every single floor although there was no-one who wanted to get on. Those long rides to the top floor had never really bothered me but for a while now I started to feel like the elevator was taunting me, trying to see how long it could play jokes with me until I'd finally snap. Especially since I had snapped before. Shortly after we lost him. I had kicked the doors so hard that there was a bump in it, causing them to give a shrieking sound each and every time they opened. Luckily no-one had seen. I could have gotten into trouble for that.

As I finally reached the top floor and walked up to my door I felt the same feeling of emptiness wash over me I had been carrying around with me for a while now. The apartment was empty, just as always. There were clothes lying around on the living room carpet, the Soju bottles from the last couple of nights were still on the glass table, right next to the dinner I hadn't finished.
I let my bag drop, kicked off my shoes and pushed my jacket off. Before I knew it I was in the kitchen, looking through the dirty dishes to find the least dirty bowl. I couldn't even remember the last time I had cleaned those. Or since I had tidied up.

I sat down on the living room carpet and had my usual instant dinner in front of the TV, just browsing through the channels. The news about his death had already passed and wasn't covered on the news anymore. It had been everywhere for a while, but not anymore. I figured that the public had gotten over him already. Didn't really care anymore.
I found the same, old entertainment shows that were always on and just watched those. Although I didn't really focus. I didn't even listen. I just needed the noise to accompany me while I had the bowl of noodles on my lap and the bottle of Soju in my hand.

No matter what I did, I just felt empty.
Whenever I tried to watch a movie, watch TV or listen to music I couldn't focus. Everything just slipped past me, nothing stuck with me. If I tried to read a book or study I forgot whatever I had read within seconds. Even if I met my friends or my family I wasn't really there. My mind would wander off and leave my body by itself, unable to really function.
I knew that everyone was really worried about me, especially my parents. Ever since I had moved out they had been worried sick, but it had gotten even worse under these special circumstances. My Mom would call and text me daily and would get so upset whenever I didn't contact her right away. My Dad was a bit more relaxed. He seemed to understand that I needed time to work through this myself. He was also trying to convince my Mom of that – quite unsuccessfully until now though.
The members didn't contact me as often. And neither did I. My friends, parents and my brother all told me that we should spend this difficult time together, that we should work through this side by side but neither one of us seemed to really want or even need that kind of help. We all needed time to think. And with the concert coming up none of us had really had that time.

I squinted at the TV when there were bright, flashing lights appearing for some commercials. Since I hadn't the light my eyes started to hurt. So I turned off the TV.
Darkness took over the living room with the only light coming from the big windows at the side of the room. For a while I just sat there, in the darkness, and drank my Soju without really thinking or doing anything. My food had already gotten cold, just like the one from last night, so I put it away and got up slowly. My legs were a bit wobbly and hands shaking, but I didn't really care.

As I stood by the window and looked outside the beautiful night view of Seoul greeted me, just like it did every night.

If I was completely honest, the way that the city was so beautiful bothered me a bit. I didn't like how the cars kept moving so fast, how I could see people wandering around the streets, laughing and talking so joyfully among each other. The water kept moving, the clouds kept coming up and disappearing, the sun and moon continued their dance. It bothered me to see those things every day while I knew that he couldn't see them anymore. That he couldn't although he had always loved them so much.
The world kept moving around me, around us all, but it didn't feel like it. For me, it seemed like time had stopped. Like everything had grounded to a halt. But it hadn't. I was the only one who wasn't moving, the only one who was being moved by others. I didn't want to work, didn't want to be awake, didn't want to deal with all of this. Everything had changed so fast.

How was it possible that the earth kept turning when we had just lost someone so important?

My eyes were stinging again but this time I didn't stop the tears from rolling down my cheeks. I let them fall, them them drip down my chin and onto my chest. I was leaning against the window and just watched everyone down on the streets go on with their lives, wishing that I could go back to a time like that. Back a few months ago where everything had been alright.

I took a big sip from my bottle and sighed a bit at the burning feeling that appeared right after. The burn took the pain away from my heart – even if just for a little bit.

I thought about the day I had moved in here and how everyone had come over to celebrate. It actually hadn't been that long ago. We had all ordered food and watched some movie on the big TV Jinki had given me for moving in. We had spread the food all out on the carpet and sat in a half-circle around it. It had been one of the funniest and most joyful nights we had spent together as a group. Jinki had made his usual bad jokes, Minho had gotten absolutely over-competitive when we played drinking games, Kibum freaked out when I accidentally spilled red wine on his new pants and he … well, he had been his usual funny self. He had cracked the best jokes, had been touchy feely with Kibum and me, had fed me with chicken and had also told us some funny experiences he had while hosting his radio show. His smile was carved into my mind, like an engraving in stone. It haunted me, never left me alone. At first I hadn't understood why, but now I did.

I missed him so much.

And once I had realized that there had been no going back. The pain had gotten so much stronger once I realized that. It had taken over me and had thrown me off track. I didn't know how to deal with it or how to pick myself back up again. I didn't know what I wanted to do, what I wanted to eat or drink, nor did I know how to pull myself back together. All I knew was that I missed my friend.

I missed him so much.

I took a shaky breath and took another big sip of my bottle. My knees were buckling a bit and I slowly sat down on the floor, my back against the wall and head resting against the window. The tears were spilling out by now, just running down my cheeks and dripping down my chin. My sobs echoed in the large room and left me feeling even more alone than I already was. So much hurt was crashing down on me that I didn't know how to handle it.
Part of me wanted to call my friends, maybe even Kibum, and ask them to come and help me, but another part of me wanted to be alone. And that part always won. I couldn't really explain why, didn't even know why. I just ended up wanting to be left alone although I actually wanted company. It was like there two people in my head telling me what they wanted – and one of them always won.

I sighed and leaned my head back, my eyes closed. I didn't know what I was feeling. It was so hard to be left to myself these days.
As I just sat there for a while, not moving, I eventually started to get sleepy and eventually decided to go to bed and try again tomorrow morning. It took me a moment to stand up, but when I did, I noticed something I hadn't noticed before. Right ahead of me, shining over the southern mountain, was a star. It was shining brighter than any star I had ever seen and, as I took a look at the night sky, I realized that it was the only star to be seen tonight. I watched it for a moment but felt tiredness wash over me quickly, forcing me to leave for my bedroom. The Soju bottle ended up standing on the living room table, next to all the others and I knew that, by tomorrow evening, there was probably going to be another one joining them.




*




I woke up to the sound of my alarm ringing right next to my ear. My head started pounding right away and I pressed my face deeper into my pillow. Although my hand found the snooze button all on its own, I felt like only a second had passed until the alarm rang all over again.
Today was another day full of practice and Kibum would be here to pick me up soon. So I got up slowly, my eyes still closed and hands rubbing my cheeks. I shivered when I pushed my warm and cozy blanket aside and slipped into my slippers before getting up slowly. I headed to the bathroom and washed up. As I brushed my teeth, I waddled to the living room and turned the TV on just to have some noise to accompany me. But as I was just about to put down the remote and head back to the bathroom the star I had noticed the night before caught my eye again. It was still the only star I could see out there, shining over the mountain in the distance. It seemed brighter than any other stars I had seen up until now. Maybe it was just a satellite?

For a moment I just looked at it and let its beauty wash over me. For some reason it calmed me to look at it, it made the bad feelings move aside for a moment and instead filled me with something I might even call reassurance. It was like it was watching over me somehow.

I turned away when I noticed the toothpaste dripping down onto my feet and hurried back to the bathroom. I continued my morning just like always and ended up sitting on the couch with the TV still running and a big mug of plain black coffee in my hand. I had put on dark, loose jeans and a comfortable shirt for practice today. Although the news was running and the reporters were talking about some tragic thing that had happened overseas, I didn't really pay attention. My eyes were fixed on the star again. It was just so fascinating somehow. It was shining so brightly although there were no other stars to be seen and not even the moon had risen tonight. I had been living in this apartment for a while now, but I had never noticed it until last night. So I figured it must be a newborn one, just like a baby.
Maybe that was the reason it was shining so brightly?

When my phone buzzed in my pocket I quickly got up and hurried to get my jacket and bag. It was probably Kibum telling me that he had arrived. I took one last glance at the star before I shut the door behind me and took the elevator downstairs – or at least I tried to take it. It arrived on my floor after I had waited for more than a few minutes and continued to stop at almost every single floor until I eventually got so frustrated that I got off at the fourth floor and ran down the stairs.
I found Kibum sitting in the backseat of our manager's car, holding two cups of coffee. He smiled at me a bit tiredly at me and handed me one of the cup once I had sat down next to him.

“Good morning.” he greeted me. Once I had put on the seatbelt the car drove off. “I brought coffee.”

“Thanks …” I said and decided not to tell him that I already had coffee. It was a nice gesture that I really did appreciate. After all, Kibum had been trying so hard to make all of us feel better. “Did you sleep well?” the way he looked so tired and kind of upset made me want to try and make conversation with him although I hadn't really been up to it lately. But there was just something about him today that seemed wrong. “You look tired.”

“Ah, I pulled an all-nighter, actually.” he replied. “So, I didn't sleep.”

“Why?” I furrowed my brow and took a sip of my coffee. When I realized that he had gotten my favorite, I felt this wave of affection towards him wash over me.
“I was on the phone with a friend and we kinda forgot the time …” he mumbled and took a big sip of his coffee. Now that I was looking at him a bit more closely, I saw the dark rings under his eyes. “Before I knew it our manager was already there to pick me up.”

“You should sleep a bit now.” I said. “You look terrible.” by the way he seemed offended I couldn't help but to chuckle a bit. “I didn't mean it like that. Just … try to be alright, okay?”
Kibum's smiled faded a bit at my words so I knew that he understood what I meant. But he didn't say anything. He just nodded and leaned over to me, pulling me into a gentle hug. I felt his hot breath in my neck and how his shaky hand pushed my head against his. It took me a moment before I moved a bit closer to him and rested against his side. Before I even knew it, tears had come up in my eyes. It had been a while since we had been this close and a while since we even remotely talked about what had happened. Ever since we were so busy with preparing for our concert there was just no time to really talk. Although we had spent a lot of time together since we were young, the four of us all seemed to want to be away from each other. But I couldn't quite understand why – after all, we had always given each other strength.

“Morning.”
I didn't realize that I had fallen into a short nap until I heard Jinki's voice as he got in in the seat in front of us. He was wearing a baggy sweater and the grey sweatpants that he usually wore to practice. His black hair was falling into his eyes and he was holding his favorite to-go coffee cup he had gotten from his girlfriend as a gift.
“Morning.” Kibum said and rubbed my shoulder. He was allowing me to lean onto him but wasn't leaning onto me anymore. Instead he had one of his hands on my thighs and was holding his coffee with the other one. “Did you sleep well?”

“Yeah … you?” Jinki didn't look at us but instead looked down at his phone. He didn't really seem like he wanted to talk. When Kibum answered I was surprised when I realized that he was lying. To me he had said that he hadn't slept at all but to Jinki he said he had slept just fine. But then I figured he probably just didn't want him to worry. While Kibum tried to make friendly conversation with Jinki I just looked outside the window and enjoyed the comfort that Kibum's touch gave me. I watched the billboards, all the tall buildings and streets without people pass us by outside and just let my thoughts wander. Before I knew it my thoughts were with our upcoming concert and I found myself more than just a little worried. We had made the decision to do the concerts all together, had even uploaded the handwritten letters to Instagram and other social media to show that we could do this and that we were going to be alright.

But actually, I had my doubts. Not only that we had so little time to completely rearrange everything, but the pressure was getting more and more every day. Despite most of our fan's support I knew that the others were putting just as much pressure on themselves as I was putting on me. I couldn't imagine anything worse than for me to have a breakdown onstage. To be completely overwhelmed, like I had been these past couple of weeks. I hadn't shared my feelings with the others because I was sure that they felt the same. The difference between us though was that the others had showed their emotions in public before – I usually didn't.

After Minho had joined us in the car we soon arrived at the venue and headed inside together. I had broken away from Kibum after a while and had sat by myself. I hadn't finished the coffee either because I didn't really feel like it.
The venue had changed a little overnight. The banners for our concert had been put up and our merchandise had arrived in huge, piled up boxes next the shop. I saw some poor employees carrying those boxes inside, some other people working on putting up more banners and some others walking around and checking lights and whatnot. We just walked right past them and met with the organizer of the event and our managers inside, on the stage. The lights were all so I could see just how huge this hall was – and it made me even more nervous. Although this wasn't the biggest venue we had performed at I couldn't help but to fear that if I really did have a breakdown at this concert than all those people would see it.

Could I really risk disappointing so many people at one?

I took a shaky breath and hugged myself in order to get a little warmer. It was freezing cold in this hall and I saw Kibum's hands tightly holding onto the, by now probably, lukewarm cup of coffee and how Jinki pulled his furry hood over his head.
Once the practice started it was just like every other practice we had. We listened to lots of people telling us stuff, listened to lots of suggestions that were either discarded immediately or taken into program right away and danced and sung for what felt like ages. But when I checked the clock I saw that only a couple of hours had passed. We still had all day ahead of us.

During lunch break I decided to sit by myself backstage. I didn't know where the others were, but I didn't really care either. I just wanted some time to myself. Some time to think and some quiet.
I had sat down on the couch in the changing room with a paper cup of stew and a small paper plate with rice on my lap. I had decided to try and eat better today but now that I actually could I wasn't hungry. Instead I drank some water, ate a few spoons of stew before deeming it to be enough for lunch. I put the food down on the floor and laid down on the couch, my arms behind my head and my eyes closed. And once the darkness took over I immediately started drifting off.

I found myself dreaming about the times my departed friend and I spent together, the times we queued for clubs, the times we spent eating together or waiting for our delivery sitting in front of the TV in our shared dorm room. I saw his slightly crooked smile like I had just been with him last night. The way his eyes were uneven, the way that one strain of hair would always fall into his eyes.

It hurt so much to see his face.

I felt a shiver run down my spine and watched him as his smile only grew wider. He called out my name and held out his hand to me, asking me to follow him wherever. I didn't even hesitate as I reached out my hand and tried to grab his but couldn't. Somehow his hand drifted away from me and before I knew it his smile was slowly vanishing and our eyes locked. He seemed a bit panicky as we slowly drifted apart. I saw the panic in his eyes and his lips moving as he spoke – however, I couldn't hear a thing. My heart was beating so fast that I could hear it and my hands started shaking.

I couldn't lose him again.

I reached my hand out as far as I could, but the more I stretched the faster I drifted away from him. He reached out to me, but he only started to disappear faster. My heart seemed to be trying to free itself out of my chest, it was beating so fast that it hurt. My eyes were stinging, I was about to cry. Although I called his name over and over again, he didn't stop to drift away. His eyes were wide in fear and I could tell that he didn't want to leave me too. However, although he seemed to be speaking no sound came from his lips. He was shouting in absolute silence.
As I leaped forward to him and almost managed to grab his hand my heart skipped a beat when he suddenly disappeared for good. There was a bright light surrounding him before he disappeared completely, leaving behind nothing but darkness.

I gasped and sat up quickly, my heart hammering. My forehead was covered in sweat and my eyes were wide open. Although it was just a short dream I was frightened to the core. I couldn't believe that he really was gone,that I had lost him again. It got even worse when I thought of the way his eyes were wide and looked frightened, how he had reached out to me before he disappeared. It got me wondering whether or not he might regret his decision to leave us … whether he was upset now, wherever he was.

 

Before I even knew what was going on, I found myself tearing up. I sat up straight and held my head in my hands, trying to get those thoughts out of my head. They had come to me occasionally lately although I didn't want them to. I knew there was no use to think about this kind of stuff but for some reason I couldn't stop my mind to make up stuff like that. I had no control over it. No matter how hard I tried to fight it I could never get those thoughts to stop coming, just like a Tsunami that was rushing towards the shore – it was fast and once it hit it was destructive.

“Taemin?”
I looked up and saw the blurry frame of Jinki standing in the doorframe. I quickly wiped the tears away and cleared my throat before I replied to him. “I'm okay, don't worry. Just had a bad dream.”

“Yeah, I heard.” he said and closed the door behind him when he came in. He sat down next to me and sighed heavily. His eyes were a bit swollen and dark rings had formed under them. He looked just as bad as I felt. “You know,” he then said slow and quietly, “they are going to put a small video tribute at the beginning of the concert. With his song and some pictures.” I furrowed my brow and looked at him in confusion. “And during some songs they said they would put in video footage of him from previous concerts. To make it seem like … like he's performing with us.” I watched him as he spoke and decided to wait for him to finish. And so, he did keep talking. He told me about some of the plans the producers made in order to pay tribute to our departed friend. Some ideas I liked and some I found a little weird. I got lost in listening to him and barely noticed how those bad thoughts from before slowly left. Once I realized he was talking to me to distract me from my dream I felt a wave of affection towards him wash over me and sat up to gently pull him into a hug.

“Thanks.” I mumbled and held him close to me. He had frozen completely and wasn't speaking anymore. Instead he seemed to just wait for me to do something else. When I didn't, I felt him relaxing against me and we were soon sitting side by side on the small couch, not speaking or doing anything and just enjoying the company. For some reason he made me feel better just by being present.
We stayed like that for a long time until we eventually had to listen up. There was an announcement made over the speakers saying that the rehearsal would continue soon. So we broke away from each other slowly and looked into each other’s eyes. The way tears had come up in his dark eyes made my heart ache and I let out a soft sigh. I wanted to tell him that everything was going to be okay, that he could always count on me and that I would help him out with whatever – but I couldn't. Because if I told him that and he'd actually ask for my help I just knew that I wouldn't be able to give him the kind of help he'd need. I couldn't even help but to be selfish.

“Thanks, Taemin.” he said with a soft smile coming up on his lips. He ran his strong hand through my hair and just looked at me with the kind of love in his eyes that could only come from him. When I looked into his eyes, I was remembered of all the times we spent together back then when our lives were still so new and everything had still been ahead of us. Back when everything was still okay. And back when I thought that we would all be together forever.

When the door opened and one of the staff members poked their head inside and asked us to come back onstage, we broke away from each other for good and left the room together. I felt more relaxed and more at ease now. Jinki was by my side as we headed back onstage and met Kibum and Minho there who appeared to have spent their break time together. They were holding cups of coffee from the shop right outside the arena and were chatting. Kibum was laughing at something he said and seemed genuinely happy which made my heart skip a beat. I had seen him pretend to be happy for a while now, so I was truly glad to see him content for at least a moment.

As soon as we joined them the practice continued. We were going through the entire set list, dancing and singing at the top of our lungs. I threw off my jacket by the time we reached our dance songs and gave it my best to sing well, but still noticed my voice crack lots of time. It made me lose confidence but by the way Kibum occasionally smiled at me and nodded encouragingly I decided to try again later. We kept going all day and before I knew it night had come and we were sitting on the stairs all together, sharing one of those giant water bottles the staff had given us. I was squeezed between Minho and Kibum and drinking as much and as quickly as I could. Some water was running down my throat and dripping down my shirt but I didn't mind, it was refreshing.
None of us spoke to one another, we just sat there and waited for further instructions. I could see our manager in the distance, discussing something with the organizer of our event and signing some papers and whatnot. It looked like it was going to be a while.

“Here.” Minho eventually spoke up and handed me a piece of chocolate. I didn't know where he suddenly got it from but I noticed Jinki, who was next to Minho, eat a piece so I took it and ate it all in one bite. It had been weeks since I had eating chocolate and the second the sweet taste of cocoa came to me, I realized just how much I had missed it. I heard Minho chuckle next to me and only then noticed that I had let out a soft sigh of pleasure. When I glanced at him, I saw him watching me before handing the last piece to Kibum. While Kibum hesitated he eventually took it but only put a small piece into his mouth. Eventually though he devoured all of it rather quickly and leaned his head back. I couldn't help but to chuckle a bit at the way he hummed at the sweet taste and I heard Minho and Jinki snorting in amusement as well. Kibum realized quickly that we were all laughing because of him and quickly looked at us. He had his brows raised but chuckled as well and leaned back against the stair behind him.

I couldn't really explain why but the way we just sat there, eating chocolate together eventually made me burst out laughing for the first time in months. I was laughing so brightly that I had to close my eyes and lean over my knees, my stomach was cramping a bit. I heard Minho and Jinki join in after a moment, they were probably laughing at me. Minho's strong hand was patting my back strongly and Kibum was nudging me continuously. I heard him whine about why I was laughing, but I couldn't control myself. It felt so good to laugh for real and to have my eyes tear up because of fun and not sadness. It made me forget about all the pain I had experienced these past few months, weeks, days, hours. Even if it was just for a moment, I felt free from reality.



*



I didn't know how we ended up here, but I was glad that we did. Me and the guys had come to a restaurant close to the arena and were sitting at a round table with plenty of different kinds of food and lots of Soju. Kibum was sitting next to me, his cheeks bright red and speech already a little slurred. He had drunk the same amount as the rest of us but apparently, he wasn't a very good drinker – at least not anymore. Minho, who was on Kibum's other side, kept pushing him back up into a normal sitting position and kept pushing all shot glasses out of his reach. Minho was probably never ever going to be drunk in his entire life.
While Kibum was talking more than ever and entertaining us all Jinki had become suspiciously quiet. He was just fiddling with his glass and staring down at the food without speaking or reacting to us. I wasn't sure if Minho or Kibum knew but I had figured that Jinki had fallen back into his habit of drinking by himself at home. He had always been like that whenever times were rough. I only knew because I used to visit him in his apartment so often that I caught him drunk a couple of times.

“You guys wanna play a game?” I eventually asked, interrupting Kibum who was going on and on about how he didn't like his new in-ear that our manager had gotten him. “Like a drinking game?”
Minho seemed absolutely thrilled and nodded quickly. We quickly decided to play the Never have I ever game since we were always playing whenever we were all out together. Usually we knew everything about each other but there were still some secrets that revealed themselves, even after all those years.
I started the game off with something easy, something that I knew Jinki had done so he'd have to drink. I just wanted to get his attention and to pull him out of his trance – and it worked. He was a bit irritated when I nudged him and forced him to focus, but after that he really did listen and played with us. We skipped Kibum for the first round since he was busy stuffing himself with rice in order to sober up, as he called it, and continued the game with Minho. He also went with something easy going and so did Jinki. I smiled a bit and thought for a moment before saying that I had never ever dropped food onto the street, picked it up and then still eat it. It didn't surprise me that Jinki had to drink but it made me laugh a bit. Kibum then said he'd never ever shoplifted something. But then he got all confused and panicky when he realized that he had actually stolen something from a boutique in his teens. Since we didn't let him drink anymore, I drank the shot for him and the game continued.

We were loosening up well and were having a nice time all together. We went from stories about being arrested as kids, to stepping on seashells in the ocean, to vomiting in subway stations and other public places and eventually to stories about paranormal experiences – none of us had actually experienced anything like that but Kibum insisted that he had once been waited on by a ghost.
I didn't even notice how I got more and more drunk or how time passed by so fast. Before I knew it, it was well past midnight and the shop owners were getting ready to close. By now Kibum was so drunk that his head was resting on Minho's lap as he napped and Jinki had loosened up enough to smile and even laugh from time to time. I loved seeing him like that. It made me feel not only more reassured but also more at ease.

“Are you excited about the concert?” Minho eventually asked and looked at me and Jinki. He was still sipping on his Soju. And although his cheeks and ears were red, he still didn't seem drunk.
“I'm terrified.” Jinki simply said and shrugged. “I'm worried we're gonna screw it up.” I blinked and looked at him. When he noticed my confused expression, he added: “I mean … we haven't had a lot of time to prepare and to rearrange everything and it just worries me.”

“We're not gonna screw up.” Minho replied, his eyes fixed on Kibum. He was running his fingers through his hair and spoke with a soft voice. “It's not like we've never performed with one member missing.” when Jinki insisted that this situation would be different Minho didn't reply and just shrugged. He didn't seem to want to think about it and neither did I. It wasn't that I didn't want to think about it, but that I had been thinking about that all the time. It had been on my mind all night, making me worry whether or not I could handle disappointing so many people if something went wrong. If I messed everything up it could potentially be the end of my career. And not just mine, but for everyone else, too.
“It's gonna be fine.” Minho said again, his eyes still fixed on Kibum. “Everyone knows what's happened and they are going to be considerate. They're not going to expect perfect performances. They know we won't be able to pull it off perfectly.”

“I don't think we can use this as an excuse to slack off.” Jinki said coldly. He grabbed the closest bottle and refilled his cup, then refilled mine too. “They might be considerate but if we do mess up they will not be forgiving.”

“They will be.” Minho insisted. “You shouldn't worry so much.” and with that an argument between the two of them started. An argument that got more and more ugly with each word they said. They were soon speaking much louder than before so that the shop owners and the last remaining guests could hear. I hated how they were starting to throw insults at one another. They were getting so worked up that they barely even noticed how I got up and took out my wallet. Only when I put down some money on the table and turned in order to leave they stopped talking.
“Where are you going?” Jinki asked perplexed. I told him I wanted to go home. “We should all share a cab.”

“No.” I replied coldly and picked up my backpack. “I'm gonna walk home.”

“Don't be ridiculous.” Minho insisted and pulled out his wallet. He put down some money as well and then gently shook Kibum until he woke up. “Let's go home, Bummie.” he cooed at a very drunken and sleepy Kibum.
“It's dangerous to go by yourself.” Jinki added and stood up quickly. He finished his cup of Soju and took on his jacket. “I don't need you wandering the streets at night. I'll be worried sick.”
I didn't even look at him and just waited for them to get ready. I knew that he was right, of course. Not only could the streets be dangerous at night, but it also didn't help that I was a celebrity. And so I just waited for them to get ready and for them to call us a cab. I didn't speak up again and tried not to let them notice that I was hurting. It hurt me more than I could describe. It had been forever ever since we've had such a nice day like today. And all the arguments had ruined it completely. Not only that I hated arguments all together, but the topic was even worse – it just struck a nerve.

I sat in the front of the taxi while the other three were squeezed in the back. Kibum wasn't really speaking now, he was just groaning in discomfort and whining about his growing headache but no-one bothered to reply. Everyone knew that the night was ruined. And everyone knew why.
Minho was just looking after Kibum and never looking at Jinki who was looking out the window. The atmosphere was really tense and uncomfortable and I could feel how I was getting more and more upset. I had been so happy when the night started out well. It had been the first time in ages that we had all enjoyed a night out together and, most importantly, the first time in a while that we were talking happily amongst each other. Ever since our friend had left us all our conversations seemed like they were covered by a shadow. A shadow that always brought everything down, no matter what we tried.

“Sleep well.” Minho said when we reached my apartment building. He was smiling at me but I didn't feel like smiling at all. So I just nodded at him and glanced at Jinki who was still looking outside and got out of the car. I didn't look back when I heard the car drive off behind me. But I did turn around to head left and enter the small convenience store that was still open.

“Good evening.” the employee greeted me. She knew me by now since I came in here regularly. And besides that, there was a TV right behind her that showed news and music shows and whatnot. She must have heard about everything on there. Everyone had.
I greeted her briefly and walked right to the back of the store and grabbed a few bottles of Soju right from the shelf. I took all the ones that were left and started drinking one of them before I even got to pay for them. The cashier looked at me with a hint of sadness in her eyes as she took my credit card and let me pay. She had seen me come in here like this many times over the past few months and she must have figured that I had developed some sort of problem. Of course she didn't say anything though. After all, it really was none of her business.

After I had paid and all the bottles had been put into a small plastic bag, I left the store and returned to my apartment building. My head was starting to ache a bit, I figured that I had been drinking too much tonight. The elevator was empty and stopped at every floor until I got to mine. I was holding the cold Soju bottle to my temple to cool it a bit and to try and get the hammering pain to stop. It took me a while to get my door to open since my hands were a bit shaky, but I didn't really care much. Once I was inside I didn't even bother to take off my shoes and just let myself fall onto the couch, the bag of alcohol on my lap. I was drinking again before I knew it and while a few drops of Soju dripped down my chin I soon felt tears getting mixed in between them. My eyes were stinging and my head hurt more than ever. My bottom lip was trembling so bad that I had to remove the bottle. I eventually ended up cowering on my couch, hugging the bottles and with my knees pulled up to my chest. I was sobbing and crying hard, I barely even noticed how the bottle fell from my hand and hit the carpet.

I had just wanted to have a nice evening with my friends. A nice evening where I wasn't continuously reminded of the pressure that was put on us. Just a break from everything. But apparently that had been too much to ask for. Not only my friends had ruined it, but it just seemed like life in general was against me. It felt like life wanted me to give up and just quit. Like it wanted me gone. And like I was never meant to be here in the first place.
I remembered all the times my late friend and I had stayed up late, talking about exactly those kinds of thoughts and those of fate that made it so much harder to keep on going. How we would say that it was not worth it. But we would keep going anyway. We hadn't given up. Never.

At least I hadn't.

When my phone rang and the picture of my Mom popped up I thought for a moment whether or not I wanted to speak to her. My Mom always had a way of making me feel better, no matter what the situation was. She was just one of those people were one single word would make everything okay. But this time I didn't feel like she would be able to help. I didn't think she would be able to sew up the big tear that seemed to have appeared in my heart. On top of that she would only get worried if I told her how bad I was feeling and how bad my situation had gotten over the past weeks. So I didn't pick up and let it go to voicemail. I would just tell her that I had been busy working. She always believed that. Everyone did.

Just a second later I got a text from my brother, asking me whether I was alright. But I didn't answer that as well. I also didn't answer the text one of my other friends had sent me earlier, asking whether I wanted to hang out the day after tomorrow. I didn't want to see any of them. In fact, there was only one person I wanted to see but couldn't.

My crying had calmed down a bit while I had browsed through all the messages I had received but once I put my phone down and was alone with my thoughts again the crying started all over again. And even harder than before. My whole body was shaking and I felt like I was being ripped into two, my heart beat so much and hurt so bad. I just wanted it to stop, just wanted to feel alright again. I wanted so bad to just turn back time and go to that place to stop him. That place he had barricaded himself in to die. If I had just been there, I could have helped him. I could have prevented all of this. If I had been a better friend everything would be alright.

I opened another bottle and took a big sip in a helpless attempt to try and calm my fast beating heart. The silence around me felt like it was crushing me and so I quickly the TV in order to hear something, anythingthat wouldn't hurt me so much. But once I the TV it only got worse. The first thing I saw was a music show that displayed a tribute video to my departed friend. And even though I only saw a few seconds of it it, was enough to completely send me over the edge. I got up shakily, let all the bottles drop to the floor and some of them shatter, and started screaming all sorts of insults at the TV. I screamed at my departed friend, said all sorts of terrible things that he probably didn't deserve to be called, but right now I didn't care. I was so angry at him for leaving this world, this city, his family, his friends and, most of all, me. I couldn't believe that he just left without saying goodbye, without telling me how he felt or that he was thinking about leaving forever. My voice was getting hoarse from all the screaming I did and when my throat started to hurt, I got a bit panicky. There were so many more things I wanted to say to him but couldn't now that my voice was leaving me. And so I did the first thing that came to my mind. I grabbed one of the Soju bottles from the floor and threw it as hard as I could right at the TV. The display shattered immediately and turned black. The TV stand and everything around it was now covered in alcohol and a few sparks of electricity came from the inside of the TV. I was breathing heavily and just watched the whole thing slowly fall back against the wall while pulling down the lamp standing next to it. The lamp survived the fall, but I would have preferred it if it had also broken. The loud sounds and the sight of the damaged TV somehow made me feel a bit more relaxed, like pressure had just been released from my chest.

“This … this is all your fault.” I said quietly, my voice even more hoarse than before. I was just speaking into the darkness around me, but I didn't care. I knew he could hear me. “Everything is your fault. Just … why … why did you leave me …?” tears rolled down my cheeks again, but I wiped them away this time. Somehow my sadness from earlier tonight had been replaced with anger. Anger towards my departed friend, towards my friends who had ruined my night, anger towards the world for being so cruel.

I looked at the mess I had made and slowly started realizing what I had done. I had totally lost it. I felt like I was going crazy. In my entire life I had never experienced so much anger. With a heavy sigh I slowly walked over to the huge window and sat down on the floor. My whole body was trembling and my head started spinning again. I could tell that I was going to have a terrible hangover tomorrow at practice and that our manager wouldn't like it at all. Just the thought of being yelled at tomorrow made my head spin even more and I leaned back against the wall. I watched the city outside the window, watched the cars drive along the roads and the planes coming in or taking off in the far distance. I also noticed that single star on the night sky. The star that I had only noticed a few days ago and that was shining brighter than any other star I had ever seen before. I looked at it for a long time and somehow felt more at ease just by doing that. It seemed to twinkle every now and then and each time it did I felt my heart skip a beat. Was I crazy for being so interested in a star?
I stared at it for what felt like hours before I opened my mouth and very quietly whispered my friend's name. I didn't know why I did it, but I just did. It came to me out of nowhere. And, if I wasn't mistaken, I could have sworn that the star twinkled when I called his name. My eyes widened and my heart started beating really fast. I called his name again and the star twinkled once more. I could feel my eyes watering all over again and called his name over and over again as I was slowly starting to feel my conscience slip away.

Before I knew it I had fallen asleep sitting by the window and curled up into a ball on the floor. I only woke up to the sound of the doorbell ringing continuously. My eyes fluttered open very slowly and I felt my head pounding hard against my temples. The way my stomach was growling and turning at the same time didn't make me feel any better. I didn't sit up but looked around the room and slowly everything from last night came back to me. The way I had smashed my TV, had let about a dozen of Soju bottles drop and soak my carpet, had my lamp fall onto the broken TV. The doorbell rang again, causing my head to start pounding even harder. I tried to get up but felt my stomach turn when I tried to. So I stayed on the floor, my eyes squeezed shut and the smell of alcohol filling my nose. Eventually I heard the door open and figured that it must be one of my friends who I had given a spare key to. And I was right. I heard Jinki's voice call my name and heard him gasp right after. Soon I felt his hands gently pull me up into a sitting position and his body warmth next to me. However, all the moving seemed to have been too much for my hangover and so, before I could say anything or warn him, I started to throw up right onto the floor next to me. My throat was burning and eyes watering, I could barely hear Jinki gasping and asking me whether I was alright over and over again. He patted my back in a gentle matter, but it still made me throw up even harder. Once I had pretty much empty my entire stomach onto the floor I leaned against him and needed a long time in order to catch my breath. Apart from my burning throat and my fast beating heart my head was still spinning and it took a lot of strength for me to even open my eyes.

“You okay?” Jinki asked quietly once my eyes met his. My head was on his lap and he was looking down at me with a seriously worried expression. I just nodded. “I don't think you can come to practice today.” he leaned over and grabbed the box of tissues on the coffee table. I closed my eyes again as he started to wipe away the sweat that had formed on my forehead. “What were you thinking drinking so much?” he must have figured that I got wasted just by looking around the room and seeing all those broken bottles. “And what happened to your TV?” although he started asking a lot of questions, I didn't reply to any of them. My head was still spinning so fast that I figured that this must be how fast the earth rotates every second. I felt like I could feel the rotation itself.

“What's going on here?” I heard another voice and the sound of someone entering my apartment. “Oh my god, is he okay!?” it appeared to be Minho. “Hey, can you hear me?” he gently patted my cheek and I slowly opened my eyes to look at him. He and Jinki were both looking down at me with obvious concern in their eyes.
“I'm fine …” I mumbled with a hoarse voice. “Just … drank too much.”

“Way too much.” Jinki said strictly and brushed my hair out of my eyes. Minho also sighed and I felt how he sat down next to Jinki. He sighed and whispered something to Jinki that I couldn't understand. But before I knew it Jinki gently started pushing me up into a sitting position. “Let's get you ready for practice, Minnie.” he cooed and pulled my arm over his shoulders to help me stand up. “We'll get you washed up, get you something to eat, drink and some medicine and you'll be fine. Come on.” I highly doubted that I was going to be fine as my stomach started turning once more as soon as I got up on my feet, but there was no harm in trying. Although I really didn't feel like going out there seemed to be no other way and I knew that I had to go to practice today. It was the last day of practice before our concert.

Jinki gently pulled me to my bathroom and prepared my toothbrush and everything for me. Just like I was a little child. I insisted that I could do it on my own and motioned for him to leave the room so I could wash up. He did leave but I figured he was waiting outside the room in case I needed him. It actually did take me a while to get washed up and everything but eventually, after I put on some cleaner clothes, I was ready to head out. Jinki insisted on holding my arm as I was still a bit shaky on my legs and when we came back to my living room I saw that Minho had actually cleaned up the floor where I had thrown up and where the shattered bottles had been.

“You shouldn't have.” I mumbled to him and involuntarily pouted a bit. He just smiled at me though and said jokingly: “Just buy me lunch today and we're even.” I smiled a little at him and headed towards the door with my friends. On my way though I noticed that it was still dark outside and without wanting to I found myself looking out the window and focus on the star that was still as bright as it had been last night. I stared at it for a while and felt this weird feeling of affection wash over me again. Just looking at it made me feel like everything was going to be okay, but I couldn't really explain why.

When we got into the car I found Kibum sleeping in the backseat, a cup of coffee squeezed between his legs, his headphones on and his head leaning against the window. His cheeks were pretty white and by the way he had dark rings under his eyes I figured that he wasn't in the best condition today, either. I sat down next to him and leaned my head against his shoulder without saying anything to the others. Jinki sat down next to me and when Minho had also gotten in and the doors were closed the driver started driving. Jinki was going through his backpack and eventually handed me two pills and a bottle of water. “Drink this. It's the same I gave Kibum.” When I raised my brows at him he chuckled softly. “Just try it.” I swallowed both the pills with a big gulp of water. “Do you want to talk about what happened last night?” he then asked me quietly so that Minho in the front seat wouldn't hear. “Did something happen?”

“No.” I answered a bit coldly and avoided looking at him. I didn't feel like talking about it. Not at all. “Nothing happened.”

“And your TV?” he pressed softly. “There was a glass bottle stuck in the screen.”

“So?” I mumbled and shrugged a bit. Kibum twitched a bit.
“So why'd you throw it at your TV?” I glanced at him and noticed how he raised his brow. I looked away again and didn't reply. Silence spread out between us. I was pretty sure that he'd figure out what happened and why I'd throw a bottle like that. After all, he wasn't stupid. He didn't speak up again after that though and just looked at his phone as we drove to the concert hall. Kibum moved a bit as we kept driving and ended up with his head resting on top of mine. Since he was relaxing more and more, I eventually freed the coffee cup from between his legs and held it for him until we finally arrived. He woke up when the car came to a stop and blinked down at me sleepily. His eyes were reddened and I figured that I was probably looking the same. Although I did feel a tiny bit better since taking the medicine.

“Hey.” he mumbled and yawned. I just chuckled a bit when I noticed that he had a gold tooth in his upper row of teeth. I had never seen it before. “Are we there yet?”

“Yeah.” I said and slowly sat up. My voice was a still a bit hoarse so I tried to speak as quietly as possible. When I handed him his cup of coffee he seemed confused for a second before remembering that it was his and taking it. Since I was a bit mad at Jinki that he tried to pester me into telling him about the TV thing I got out of the car on Kibum's side and followed him inside instead of going with Jinki or Minho.

“I'm so tired.” Kibum mumbled and took a big sip of his coffee. I only know noticed that his hair was sticking out to all directions and how pale he was. “I'm not gonna make it through practice.” I nodded but didn't answer. I wouldn't know what to say to that. Agreeing seemed wrong, disagreeing also seemed wrong. Jinki and Minho eventually caught up to us and we all entered the backstage area of the huge concert hall that was right behind the big screen in front of us. Our manager was already there and talking with someone about lightning or whatever. When we got to him he scolded us for being so late but neither did he ask for the reason nor whether we were alright. He just wanted to get on with practice because otherwise it would take us even longer. And so we did get on with it. I soon found myself standing on stage with the others, being pushed to different positions by the staff and having my microphone adjusted every two seconds. Our manager was standing at the very front of the stage with a whole bunch of other people, discussing whether our positions, the lights, the screens, our dancing, our singing and whatnot was alright. Since I was still pretty hungover, and so was Kibum, both of us had to take regular breaks to sit down and drink water. I ended up taking three more of the pills Jinki had given me throughout the day so I wouldn't get sick again and luckily they worked. Although I felt sick for the entire time and my head started spinning a lot I didn't throw up again. I wasn't on top of my game today but since Kibum wasn't either the other two didn't try as hard as they usually did and so our manager seemed to take it that we were just saving our energy for the concert tomorrow.

When practice ended sometime around midnight I felt like I had used up every last bit of my energy and just let myself drop to the floor. I covered my eyes with my arm and tried to breathe slow and steady in order to calm my fast beating heart. My stomach was turning and my head was spinning so bad that I felt like I was falling from the sky. When Kibum sat down and leaned against me a bit I welcomed the feeling of something that wasn’t moving next to me. Made me feel like I wasn't floating through space.
“You guys okay?” I heard Jinki's voice. If I wasn't mistaken, I could swear that I heard him chuckle a bit. “How about we head home? You can stay at my apartment tonight if you want. Minho's coming, too.”

“Yes.” I heard Kibum reply immediately. He always went to where Minho would go.
“Then let's go.” Kibum slowly moved away from me and the feeling of floating through space returned even stronger than before. Even when Jinki grabbed my hand and slowly helped me up to my feet I couldn't get myself to open my eyes. I just kept them squeezed shut and just mumbled a cranky sounding Finewhen he asked whether I also wanted to come over to his apartment. I didn't feel like it but the thought of getting to Jinki's apartment, which was much nicer than mine, and be able to lie down after a fifteen minute drive instead of a fifty minute one was enough to convince me. So Jinki helped me collect my stuff and eventually climb into our van. Not only that I felt terrible but I was also getting pretty tired. I sat next to Kibum again and found myself huddled up against his side before I knew it. He had actually fallen asleep again. The sight of his mouth hanging wide open and him snoring a little actually made me chuckle and so I just looked out the window as we were driven to Jinki's place. As we drove up a hill I noticed that the star had come out once more tonight. It was still shining brightly and I saw it twinkling once I set my eyes on it. I couldn't help but to smile a bit as I saw it and felt the same reassuring feeling wash over me that had come over me this morning, too.

We arrived at Jinki's place pretty soon and I quickly found myself lying on Jinki's couch with Kibum next to me and Minho on my other side. Kibum and I were huddled up together under a fluffy blanket and drinking tea while Minho was furiously playing some game that I didn't know. Jinki's living room was so nice and comfy that I actually wished for this place to be my own. His TV was huge and framed by a beautiful white wall cabinet that was filled with books and framed pictures. I saw his parents, some of his friends and pretty much every single picture that our group had taken together of the past few years. It was a pretty packed space he had there. Although, when I looked a little closer, I noticed that he had turned some of the pictures around so that I couldn't see what was on them but I figured what kinds of pictures they were. After all, I had done the same to the pictures I had taken together with our departed friend.

Jinki had just ordered us some chicken and joined us again in the living room. He took the second controller and joined Minho in his game.
“Today was probably the best practice we ever had.” he then said jokingly. His tone was so sarcastic that I had to chuckle and so did the other two. We all knew that today had been the worst practice of all time. Everything that could have gone wrong had. Not only that we all did pretty bad but there had been a blackout, too. On top of that a few of the lamps had broken and needed to be fixed before we could continue with the show. Then, the moving stage in the middle of the hall had had some kind of bug and wouldn't move in the right direction so that also needed to be fixed. And then, after all that, during our lunch our manager had accidentally spilled his stew all over his quite expensive suit. And while all was really annoying when it had just happened I could now laugh about it. Now, that I was comfortable on a nice couch with tea and amazing food on the way.

“Yeah, today was great.” Minho agreed with a chuckle. His eyes were fixed on the screen as he was beating up Jinki's character with a sword. “But you know what they say. If the last rehearsal goes bad, then the real thing is gonna be amazing.”

“Right.” Kibum said and snorted a bit. He took a sip of his tea and then added: “At least we won't be so hungover then. If today had been the real concert …” he didn't finish the sentence but made a face that made me chuckle. “I hope everything goes well tomorrow.” he continued after a few moments. “I've never been this nervous before a concert.”

“Same.” Jinki replied. When Minho beat his character he just put the controller away and laid down on the couch. Minho kept playing by himself though. “It's just … weird.” silence spread out again after that. And it wasn't a short silence. It was a long time that neither of us said anything. Kibum and I just sat there, drinking our tea and watching Minho absentmindedly play his game. Even he seemed affected by what Jinki had just said. We didn't even speak when the doorbell rang and our food came. We all sat down on the floor in front of the TV and quietly started eating. However, although no-one said anything it wasn't uncomfortable. It actually felt nice to know that everyone else felt the same kind of nervous I did. No-one needed to confirm what Jinki had said because we all just knew that we all felt the same. To share each other's feelings without any words felt comforting somehow.

“How about a movie?” Kibum eventually suggested after we had watched Minho play his game for probably longer than twenty minutes. Minho was a bit unsure since he wanted to continue playing but eventually agreed and we all started watching a horror movie from the 90s. We all watched the main character go about their life for probably an hour before Kibum sat up slowly and raised his tea mug.

“I wanna propose a toast.” he said and held his mug over the coffee table my feet were resting on. He was smiling very softly and took his time with speaking again. “To our friend … who'll be watching us from above.” I felt a sting in my heart like someone had stabbed it with a knife. I didn't want to think about him right now. I had been enjoying tonight without thinking about him. “And to us.” Kibum continued, his voice a bit shaky. “Especially to us. We've been through so much and … and we're holding up pretty well … at least I think so.” he looked at the other two with a soft smile before his eyes met mine and his smile disappeared. I could tell that he was worried about me just by looking into his eyes. And although a part of me wanted to tell him how terrible and how broken I felt on the inside I didn't think that I could put this burden on them on top of their own broken hearts. So I just held his gaze and put on a soft smile. He returned it after a second and seemed a bit relieved. “We'll be fine tomorrow … and the day after. And then, when the concerts are done … we can take all the time we need … right?” he slowly turned to the other two and raised his mug. It took us all a second but we soon joined him and toasted to what Kibum had said. Although I didn't really believe in his words I joined the toast and felt a little bit of happiness rush through me. Having this quiet night just with my friends really was comforting me a lot. Just sitting on the couch, drinking tea and eating chicken. It really was one of the nicer moments I had experienced lately.

“I'll be right back.” I said quietly and got up after another hour of the movie had passed. I felt really sleepy already and felt like I should wash up and eventually go to sleep. I stepped into Jinki's huge bathroom and locked the door behind me. It looked just as nice as it had always done. The bathtub was framed with bathing oils and bath bombs that might or might not belong to his girlfriend while the walls were covered with some stickers of the sun and whatnot. I stepped onto the fuzzy carpet and looked into the mirror above the sink. What I saw shocked me a little. There were dark rings under my eyes and they were bloodshot. My hair was sticking out to all directions and my skin was a little gray. I looked just as terrible as I had felt all day. And so I quickly undressed myself and hopped into the shower.

As soon as the hot water hit me I felt like a huge burden was washed off of me. Maybe it was the nervousness of tomorrow or maybe it was the sadness that had spread out again after Kibum's toast, I didn't really know. But whatever it was it was gone as soon as I started washing up and for the first time in forever, I felt kind of at peace. Knowing that my friends were out there, waiting for me and that I wasn't coming home to an empty living room like I would have in my apartment was more comforting than I could have ever imagined.

 

I started to wash my hair and just looked around for a second before my eyes hit the small window that was in the shower. I hesitated for a moment but then slowly pushed it open in order to let some air inside. Once the cold air from outside mixed itself with the hot water I shivered a bit and got goosebumps but didn't close the window again. Instead I leaned down and looked outside and up at the night sky. The first thing I saw, the thing that I didn't even have to look for, was the brightest of all stars. The star that had been there for so long now and that was shining ever so brightly. It was shining brightly above the southern mountain and seemed to twinkle again once I looked at it. I smiled a bit at it and just stood there with the hot water pouring down my body and the cold air turning my cheeks all red. My eyes were fixed to the star and, although my mind was telling me that this was a stupid idea, I couldn't help but to say “Hello.”. The star twinkled again. “How … how are you?” my hands started trembling again when there was another twinkle. “Is it … is it nice up there?” I continued asking. My voice was breaking and I felt tears coming up in my eyes all over again.

Ever since the first time that I had seen this star I couldn't help but to imagine my friend being up there, watching me from the night sky and protecting me. Every time the star twinkled my friend's smiling face came to my mind. That slightly crooked smile that always made his eyes look smaller, the smile that made him shine brighter than anyone else.

I wiped away a tear that had joined the water drops that were running down my cheek. I was just standing there, at the small window, watching the small star above me twinkle and shine all by itself in the vast night sky. It seemed to be just like he had been – by himself, but with a twinkle in his eyes and a smile on his face throughout all the hardships he had faced.

 

For a while I just stood there with my eyes fixed to the star, tears dripping down my cheeks and hot water running down my body. I didn’t know how I ended up this way, but I eventually just continued speaking to the twinkling star. I told it all about the last couple of days. I told it about how hard it had been on me, on my friends, on my late friend’s friends and on his family. I couldn’t stop myself from speaking about the terrible practice we had gone through today and how I had smashed my TV and destroyed my beautiful living room carpet. The words were pouring out my mouth like a waterfall, like they had wanted to be let out of this prison in my mind. It felt so good to just speak, even if it was to a star that could neither hear, see or answer me. It wasn’t the same feeling as speaking to my friends or family. For some reason this felt like I was connecting to my beloved late friend – like he was up in the sky, listening.

 

“Taemin?” I stopped speaking when I heard Jinki’s muffled voice through the door. “Are you alright? You’ve been in there for like an hour.”
I was surprised that this much time had already passed. It only felt like a couple of minutes since I had started speaking. I turned off the water and told him that I’d be out in just a minute. With a towel wrapped around my body tightly I gave the star one last look and felt a soft smile on my lips. My heart was beating slow and regularly in my chest and I felt calmer than I had felt in the last few weeks.

 

“Sorry, guys.” I said as I came back to the living room. “Lost track of time …”

Minho looked up from his phone and chuckled a bit as he saw me wrapped up in a towel. Kibum seemed to have fallen asleep with his head resting on his lap and a fuzzy blanket covering his slender body. Jinki handed me some clothes and made some room for me on one of the armchairs next to the couch and said: “Just go change in my room.”

 

I went into Jinki’s bedroom, leaving some wet footprints on his wooden floor and closed the door behind me. I threw the towel into the laundry basket and changed into Jinki’s sweatpants and shirt which were both a little big on me – I liked that though. There was a big window next to his bed that gave a great view of the city in the distance. Again, I could see the star shining over the southern mountain and felt put at ease once more.

 

“Who were you talking to?” Minho asked me when I returned and made myself comfortable in the armchair. “I heard you talking in the bathroom.”

“No-one, really.” I said, not feeling comfortable with admitting that I had been talking to the night sky. “Just … myself.” Minho smiled a bit and eventually put his phone down. He leaned back against the couch, minding the sleeping Kibum on his lap and closed his eyes.

“We should sleep.” Jinki said quietly and turned off the light. The only thing that was illuminating the room now where the dimmed city lights that shone in through the windows. Once I found the star shimmering in the night sky I smiled a bit and slowly closed my eyes. “Tomorrow is gonna be rough. Make sure to get a good night’s sleep tonight.” He said to me and I felt his hand running through my hair. Although he didn’t have to tell me twice that I needed to rest I could already feel myself slipping into a dream.

 

For the first time in a while I felt calm despite the sadness in my heart. I was nervous, but somehow reassured at the same time. Even if I wanted to, I wouldn’t be able to explain what had changed since last night where I had felt like the entire world was crashing down on me. Like I didn’t want to be here anymore. Knowing that my late friend was watching me from the sky was a burden as well as a relief.

 

I huddled against the back of the air, hugged the blanket tightly around my body and took a few deep breaths before slowly falling asleep.

 

I just knew that, although it was still going to be difficult and nothing was ever going to be the same without him, we would be alright. Somehow.

 

_____________________________________________________________