sometimes, you're another world entirely (but you're my world)

“Son Seungwan! What time will you be sleeping tonight?” Seulgi asks, hopping over to her roommate’s bed before she trips over her own pants and falls onto Seungwan’s bed.

For her part, Seungwan simply raises a brow and taps Seulgi’s shoulder admonishingly. Her friend smiles into the covers sheepishly, knowing Seungwan doesn’t need to see it to know she’s apologetic about not having tugged her already overly long sweatpants on properly before moving around the room.

“Hmm… pretty late, why?”                                

“Aren’t you tired, Son Seungwan?”

Seungwan shrugs. A small stack of papers is laid in front of her. “You know that I have to prepare for the radio show, right?”

“Ah, that’s right.” Seulgi finally sits up. Seungwan sighs and helps Seulgi smooth her hair, which is in its usual pre-bedtime disarray. “Who’s going?”

“Me,” Seungwan replies, leafing through the sheets as she tries to estimate how much of these walls of Korean text she’ll have to get through that night before she goes to bed. Seulgi lets out a soft whine in response at Seungwan’s non-answer, and Seungwan sighs before ruffling Seulgi’s hair again. “I hear Chungha is?”

“Like, Chungha? Kim Chungha from I.O.I?”

“Yup. The one and only.”

Seulgi grins. “Didn’t you say you thought she was pretty?”

Seungwan doesn’t bother to look up. “Did I?”

Her tone is too carefully nonchalant. “Yeah, you did. So, why’s she going on the show? New song?”

“Yeah. It’s just come out.” Seungwan looks up and sees Seulgi’s expression and knows she’s probably not going to get any work done for tonight. And Seulgi’s strangely energetic for someone who’s been proclaiming that she’s been tired all day. She’s also been calling her by her full name. Oh dear. Did Seulgi get her hands on some coffee? Who gave her all that caffeine? 

“Fine. We can listen to the song together.”         

*****

Seungwan’s utterly exhausted after the radio show. She slips her shoes off and tosses it kicks it to the side, ensuring its sufficiently near the wall so Joohyun won’t reprimand her when she sees them. Still, she hums the tune to Roller Coaster under her breath as she steps into their dorm.

Tired as she is, there’s a smile on her face.

Sooyoung and Yeri notice. They latch onto Seungwan and a million questions flood out of them. Seungwan does her best to answer every single one of them, somehow keeping up with the verbal deluge from the two younger members of the group.

This effort of course furthers Sooyoung and Yeri’s line of questioning, for wow, is Seungwan-unnie not brushing them off? Seungwan-unnie, whose face formerly bore the exhaustion of the day, is giving them appropriately enthusiastic replies? How is Chungha like? Is she as pretty as you thought she was? Does she sing well live? Do you think she’s nice? How’s she like? Will you buy her food?  

Joohyun just raises a brow at their antics. Glancing down at Seulgi, she asks, “What’s got Seungwan in such a good mood?” Her hand plays with Seulgi’s bangs, rearranging the wispy strands. Try as she might, they are too soft and short for Joohyun to successfully make them stay in a criss-crossed configuration for longer than a few seconds.   

Seulgi barely opens her eyes as she looks up at Joohyun. “Chungha, I assume? She’s just released a new song.” A yawn. “It’s…” another yawn, “…pretty good.” She contemplates moving from the couch since it’s suddenly noisy with the chatter of the other three members. But Joohyun’s thighs are so warm and comfy and her bed is so far away and dear lord what time did she and Seungwan sleep last night?

*****

It’s another day that she’s back at a broadcast station and Seulgi’s managed to slip away from their room.

There are hundreds of people in this building and a dozen corridors too many, but they’re in their fourth year of being Red Velvet, and this maze is not unfamiliar to them. Being in S.M., they’ve never really been crammed into the smallest rooms alongside another huge group of hopefuls, but they’ve certainly noticed the marginally bigger spaces that they’ve been allocated nowadays. Hey, the bigger the rooms, the more staff, the easier it is the get out of there in a nip! The staff have also begun to recognise them by their faces, when at the start, the staff picked the four apart by their overly bright hair colours.

It’s been years but Seulgi still doesn’t know whether it was ridiculous or just outright funny when their hair dye ran because of them sweating so much during dance practices. She had to wear white tops for days because it was easier to bleach those. (Not that she bleached them herself. Joohyun did that for all of them, of course.)

She holds multiple signed albums in her hands. Yeri’s whining complaint sounds in her head as she rubs her fingers against the plastic case. Yeri’s incredulity at a jewel case was such that she yelped at the sight. Not that Seulgi can blame her, not really. But hey, at least they got a repackage!

Pausing briefly to check that she’s at the right door, Seulgi knocks on the door before entering. Inside, Chungha’s getting her makeup touched up so Seulgi quietly stands at a corner and waits for her stage makeup to be completed.

There are far fewer people in this room than in Red Velvet’s, and Seulgi takes the time to take a breath or two, briefly allowing the thought of what will it be like if we weren’t a group – if I were a soloist?  to creep into her head. But no, she’ll not do that, not now, not when things are starting to really work out for the group – by S.M.’s metrics anyway. Red Velvet, even at their debut was already the envy of groups that entered the scene and disappeared before the year’s end. Unfortunate debut timing or not, they were from one of the biggest entertainment companies around. She shuts her eyes. There are pros, and there are cons. But she got to meet—

Her eyes snap open as she hears the sound of heels clicking onto the tile floor. Chungha turns around to face her, surprise evident on her face. Not for the first time, Seulgi thinks the other girl’s face is pretty, in a decidedly elfin way.

“Chungha-ssi!” Seulgi greets. “Hello, I’m Red Velvet’s Kang Seulgi. I’m a fan of yours.” She bows.

The heels clack on the ground as Chungha steps forward frantically. An arm grabs Seulgi’s own. If she’s surprised at the sudden grip, she doesn’t show it. “Seulgi-sunbaenim! I love your new song. Also, uh, really, there is no need to bow—”

Seulgi’s laugh cuts Chungha’s sentence off, who grins shyly. “Here. Our album.” She presses a jewel case into Chungha’s hand. “I brought extra ones so you can give them to your manager or stylist. The Red Velvet members really like your song.”

“Oh, thank you!”

Chungha bows at this, and Seulgi smiles at the sight. Ah, who was the one who said that they needn’t need to bow? It’s funny, since they’ve met and prepared for a performance together before this, but they are now reduced to formality by all the procedural practices that are in place between the seniors and juniors. No matter, they’ll be friendly again soon – the usual formality will elapse quickly enough.

“Sunbaenim, here’s my album.”

Seulgi receives it and looks it over. “Pretty. I like orange.”

A shy smile. “Thank you! It’s your colour, right? Orange really suits you – I hope I’m not overstepping by saying this – but I was surprised that you fit orange so well. Then again, sunbaenim is so…?” She waves her arms, gesticulating broadly instead of finding the correct word. “I think Red Velvet-sunbaenims have such a distinct colour. I was trying to dance to your older releases yesterday, you know? Rookie’s dance is really cool… Sunbaenim, your performances for this comeback are also really cool, and you look so good in all of them…”

Seulgi smiles at the compliment. Chungha’s very charming company, what with her awkwardly endearing mannerisms. She wonders how long she’ll get to spend in here before she’s summoned back by incessant phone calls by her manager. When will she be able persuade the younger girl to drop her formal language?

*****

Seulgi’s not sure which song she’s heard Joohyun sing more by now. Her few lines to their latest comeback, or well, this.

Joohyun’s white earpieces are stuffed into her ears, and she’s singing the lyrics to Roller Coaster under her breath. “I remember very first time in love I remember oh oh…”

Seulgi’s eyes twitch open at the sound of Joohyun’s singing. She blinks, wiping her eyes as she rearranges her limbs from their previously sprawled position. Glancing at her friend, she reaches over to pat Seungwan’s knees.

Seungwan’s expression bears one of long-suffering. “The very first time I was in love.”

“Sorry?”

Seungwan sighs as she rolls her shoulders back, pressing into the car seat. Joohyun’s singing helps muffle the crackling noise of the seat’s leather. “It didn’t bug me at first, but the lyrics get the English wrong. Joohyun keeps singing it.”

Seulgi bites her lips, holding back a laugh. “And Joohyun’s own butchering of the lyrics doesn’t matter?”

“It’s not as if this is the first song that’s received that treatment.”

Seulgi nods. She thinks of the slew of lyrics Joohyun doesn’t get correct and she has to bite her lips again to stifle her laughter. If Joohyun catches her laughing at her, there’ll be a certain hell to pay. And that’s not desirable, especially not after they’ve recently smoothed a rough patch over. Seulgi’s certainly heard Roller Coaster more than her fair share of times by now given that she’s tried her hand at Chungha’s choreography – she hears that Chungha choreographed the dance herself. When will Seulgi get to do the same for their own releases? Would she ever be considered good enough for that?

The car jolts to a stop. Their seatbelts hold them back from being jerked forward too much. Manager-unnie turns to face them, a sheepish expression on her face as she apologises.

Seulgi and Seungwan just roll their eyes when they see Joohyun still listening to the song, earphones plugged in as if nothing went wrong at all. The serene expression on her face doesn’t fade. It’s really unlike Joohyun to be unaffected by this since she’s pretty scared of most things, but she remains completely unperturbed even if their van has nearly collided into the car in front.

“She’s obsessed, Wannie.”

Seungwan in her cheeks and releases them with a pop. Her brows hitch as she slowly drawls, “No , Sherlock.” 

*****

Sans the close shave with the surrounding traffic, such is the scene in their car rides of the next month.

(Scratch that, it’s more than an entire month.)

By now, Seulgi has run out of songs to listen to from both the original Perfect Velvet and its repackaged album in the van. Don’t get her wrong, she loves how Joohyun sings, and she likes most of their songs, but there are only so many times that she can listen to a select repertoire of songs in any given week.

Bad Boy rings in her head even in her dreams. That’s out.

They’ve been practising the choreography to Look a lot more often recently since Yeri really wants to nail her moves for every beat, so that rules it out for casual listening.

Attaboy is amazing, especially when Joohyun’s vocals come in, but she hates listening to that when she wants to fall asleep.

Moonlight Melody will knock her out for the next century and manager-unnie will have too hard a time trying to haul her off the van. Not a bad option, really, given the state of sleep deprivation that their comeback schedule has left her in…

Peek-A-Boo reminds her that murder is an option for every problem. Such sentiments are really not preferable since she really wants Joohyun alive.

Joohyun-ah, is there another song you’d rather sing?

*****

“Yah.”

A whack of her arm. Seulgi expects the hit but she doesn’t bother dodging it. There’s no point in doing so anyway. Joohyun would opt to go for the jugular instead if she does.

“You didn’t have to out me like that, Seulgi.”

Seulgi blinks. Joohyun’s not going to fall for the faux innocence, but it’s worth trying nonetheless.

“Yah.”

“Hyun-ie,” she says whiningly, “you do listen to the song a lot.”

Joohyun directs a considered look at Seulgi, suddenly sitting upright. “Does it bother you?”

“I…”

Ah. What should she say?

Sitting on the carpeted floor, she’s so much lower than Joohyun and she has to crane her neck to peer back at Joohyun, who looks expectant as she waits for a reply.

What should she say? While yes, Joohyun’s really been singing it too much, it’s not exactly terrible! Joohyun’s got such a nice voice! Her vocal tone’s so lovely. Joohyun doesn’t get enough credit when she sings, but really, she can control her voice so well.  Seulgi secretly wishes that Joohyun would let her record her voice so she can hear that familiar cadence as and when she wants. She wants to capture everything about it, for it’s got an unceasing ability to make her heart tremble when she says certain words just right.

“Never mind.” Joohyun bites a sigh back and sinks into the couch. Seulgi starts chewing on her cheeks as she watches Joohyun’s face fall before she quickly shutters her downcast expression away, slipping her face under a cool mask.

Oh dear. She took too long to think of a response.

Idiot.

“Joohyun-ah, you don’t have to do that.”

“Do what?”

“Unnie.”

“What?”

They both know Seulgi’s referring to the constraint upon the demonstration of her disappointment – though Seulgi’s unsure of the extent of that disappointment, she knows that she’s got to remedy this sooner or later.

“I’m tired, Seulgi. Goodnight.”

With that, Joohyun slides off the couch, padding back to her room. Seulgi bites her lip once, twice, thrice, because Joohyun doesn’t even give her a parting glance.

*

It's not exactly a constant insecurity, but in times like this when it does surface, it burns.

You can have anyone. Why me?

She's heard that the fans marvel at the way Joohyun looks at her, like Seulgi's the entire world before her and what not, but she can't bring herself to believe it when she sees more than the entire universe in Joohyun's eyes. And that's only her eyes. Seulgi hasn't even begun to talk about everything else about her.

There is a burn, a coiling rope that slithers through her oesophagus, curling around . Even if she accepts the assertions, Joohyun's going to look beyond her for more than just a awkward girl that's too afraid to voice her fears. Heat rushes to her face and ears and the rope tugs and tugs and reduces her to a choking gasp in the middle of the night.

I can't do this anymore.

Joohyun is going to hate her. Joohyun is going to hate her.

(Joohyun already hates her.)

Idiot. Idiot. Why would she want you?

Indeed. Why does Joohyun still stick around when all Seulgi manages to do is to blunder around and upset her?

She runs out. The roof, the roof – that’s where she’ll be able to breathe – oh, oh, why do these fears still overwhelm her after so many years?

Rooftop: there is the world before her.

Before her is a sea of yellow and white lights that glare up at the night sky. Before her is the steady thrum of traffic that never ceases. Before her is the faint cry of a child from an apartment unit downstairs, a muffled shout of pain as someone stubs their toe against a table, a series of discordant notes played on an untuned piano.

A world so vast, so full of interesting people, of interesting things – and then there’s her, a girl who once swallowed her voice, she who cannot be rid of the need to run.

*****

Seulgi’s always the last one back at the dorms nowadays because Avoiding Joohyun To Sort Out Her Own Thoughts becomes a priority in her life and consequentially, staying clear of the dorm is one way to achieve that. All of Red Velvet, including Joohyun, avoid the practice rooms, for hey, there’s another performance the next day so they might as well head home and get some rest.

Which suits Seulgi just fine.

The practice rooms are excellent places to kill time.

Being a group bringing in the dough for S.M. pretty much ensures that their group gets their own practice room. It’s not officially theirs, but no other group’s going to encroach upon the territory that Red Velvet’s so clearly staked out for themselves. The trainees certainly aren’t going to come into it without invitation even if they ever venture out of the basement rooms. Nor would their trainers force them to do that. And the later into the night it gets, the more it feels as if this room is entirely insulated from the external world. Not that the room isn’t soundproof to begin with, for it is – Seulgi remembers that the trainee rooms aren’t entirely soundproof – but it’s mostly when she stops seeing shadows flitting by the doorway then she feels as if the world’s finally slipping away from her slowly.

The world, slipping away, releases her into the singular capsule of a room filled with pulsing music, the steady thump of a bass line. Here, she’s alone, alone with just all four of the limbs she that move in smooth synchrony to a beat that reverberates through every bone in her body. Without anyone else around, Seulgi cranks the music up to the highest volume, letting verses and refrains override her senses.

She forgets.

*****

Yeri is the first to notice.

The short haired demon flounces into Seulgi and Seungwan’s shared room, her lips twisted in obvious irritation. She snatches the hair dryer from Seulgi’s hand and switches it off, ignoring all of Seulgi’s half-hearted protests. It’s not immediately apparent to Seulgi why Yeri looks so riled up, and the older girl just stares, wide-eyed, as Yeri carelessly tosses the hair dryer onto the dresser with a loud clang.

“Seulgi-unnie! What did you do to upset Joohyun-unnie?”

Ah, so that’s what it’s about.

Yeri doesn’t give her a chance to reply. “It’s usually your fault when it comes to these things. So come on, spill! Unnie and I were talking about it – in our room – and really, you’ve just had that tiff and now…” Yeri’s voice trails off and her lips rearrange themselves into a pout. “I can’t believe you sometimes.”

Or at least, Yeri’s the first to confront her about it.

It’s always my fault. You got that right, Yeri-ah.

Seulgi doesn’t reply and just reaches for her hair dryer again.

Her lips are chapped and well-bitten these couple of days since Joohyun’s… annoyance(?) / disgruntlement(?) / unhappiness(?) at her translates into her not slapping Seulgi’s knuckles when she cracks them and not tapping her lips when Seulgi chews on them excessively. And oh, she does try not to bite her lips too much, but without a reminder to not do it, it’s difficult. It doesn’t really help that she’s been quite vexed trying to figure out how to frame an apology.

Should she apologise, in the first place? It’s something this minor, after all. And will Joohyun even acknowledge that she’s been slighted by Seulgi’s temporary idiocy? Okay, maybe slighted isn’t the word. The hurt on Joohyun’s face was too apparent – they’ve known each other for nearly a decade, and Joohyun’s expressions are as familiar to Seulgi as her own are to herself.

A decade, huh. That’s a pretty long time.

(Joohyun-ah, if you’ve tired of me, please just say so.)

“Yah, unnie. Are you going to answer me?”

Nope, of course she’s not. Instead, she reaches over to ruffle Yeri’s short hair, and the younger girl just scowls.

“Yah.”

“Not now, Yerim-ie. Let me dry my hair first.”

Yeri glares at Seulgi, puffing her cheeks indigently, but she knows a losing battle when she sees one and storms out of the door. Well, not before she swipes at Seulgi’s hair dryer again to slam it onto the dresser again. Yeri tries to slam the door shut, but Seungwan slips in just in the nick of time. Seungwan, being Seungwan, knows just exactly what Yeri was here for, and she looks up at Seulgi to grumble a warning.

“Just get it resolved soon, will you? Otherwise I’m going to put up more fairy lights.”

Ah, oh dear. That’s something she really doesn’t want. 

*****

There is a drink, or two. Another drink, or four.

Who’s really keeping track?

They are an unlikely combination, but the two of them are tucked into a booth in a place that has long learned to be discreet about the drinking habits of their patrons. In return, their patrons grace the watering hole with a degree of frequency that would perhaps alarm concerned parents and doctors alike.

Chungha, often shy and withdrawn, has somehow found Seulgi’s invitation for a drink tempting enough to leave her house-in-the-mountains in favour of a public joint like this. It’s apparent that neither of them are particularly proficient at drinking, but somehow, they manage.

“Your song, Chungha-ah. Your song.” Seulgi hiccups a little. “I hate your song.”

“I know, I know.”

Seulgi lets out a giggle. “Do you think I’m gonna have to call oppa to pick us up? I don’t think you should drive in this state.”

Chungha stretches forward to give Seulgi’s nose a boop. “Oh, I don’t know. We could walk around for a bit. You know I live all the way up in the hills there…” Chungha points, wildly, to indicate that she lived somewhere in the north-ish bit of the city. “But you’ll obviously be recognised by somebody…”

“Yuck.” Seulgi groans. It’s not clear to Chungha if Seulgi’s poorly enunciated proclamation was made in regards to the fact that she’s likely to be recognised or at the Graveyard Seulgi’s just downed.

The two of them don’t say anything for quite a bit, letting themselves languish around on the cracked leather chairs.

Seulgi’s fingers rub the empty glass, flipping it around in a game, of sorts. Up, down, up, down. It’s all the sound that the duo make, though even that is largely drowned out by the loud music in the background. And of course, Roller Coaster chooses to make an appearance. Which jolts Seulgi’s mind back to her predicament.

“She’s going to kill me, isn’t she?”

A few days? Fine. A week? Not fine.

Roller Coaster’s the song of the devil. Probably. That’s what they get for being all creepy and witchy for Peek-A-Boo. Her life hates her.

“Joohyun-unnie hates me.”

An eyeroll. “We both know that’s not true.” There’s a pause as Chungha swirls the contents of her glass, watching the way the light diffracts in the pale liquid of the martini. “You could try apologising.”

“But…but… you don’t know her. She hates me.” Seulgi says this in nearly a whisper, tears immediately coming to her eyes. “She really hates me. Everything I do, I manage to hurt her. I’m dumb and I don’t notice things when I should and she’s…” Seulgi rubs her eyes, suddenly conscious that she’s managed to become that weepy drunk. “No… no. Chungha-ah, can we go dance?”

“Like, next door?” Bewilderment colours her voice. “You know we can’t—”

Seulgi shrugs. “If not there, my company’s nearby. Wanna go?”  

*

In the morning, it’s the trainees who spy the two seniors dragging themselves out of a practice room. Word travels quickly enough because the kids are terribly excited to see Seulgi and Chungha around. After all, the two are amongst the best dancers of their generation.

There are incidentally, more than a dozen messages asking after Seulgi’s whereabouts in the group chat.

By the time it’s noon, Shosho’s sent a few text messages to Seulgi to remind her that her fellow group members would appreciate it if Seulgi returns to the dorm for bedtime instead of having unannounced sleepovers after impromptu dance practices conducted whilst drunk out of their minds.     

*

(Sooyoung-ie) 13:41: Unnie, we’re heading out for the day. You might want to think of… damage control?

(Wannie) 13:55: you idiot. What do u think she’s gonna think? Spending the night out in the midst of one of your little squabbles?

(Yerim) 13:56: Yah. Didn’t I tell you to resolve this quickly?

*

(Hyunnie) 14:19: Typing…

(Hyunnie) 19:42: Typing…

(Hyunnie) 22:09: Typing…

(Hyunnie) 00:01: Typing…

*****

It's 1.51am. Seulgi finally slips back into the dorm in hopes that she’ll manage to avoid them all.

It’s pitch black, but Seulgi knows exactly how many steps it'll take for her to get to her own room. And how many steps it’ll take for her to get to Joohyun’s room.

She shrugs off her leather jacket and tosses it rather unceremoniously onto the couch – she’ll pick it up later, or tomorrow morning, whichever – and manages not to stumble too much as she makes her way back to her bedroom. Seungwan’s asleep on her bed so Seulgi carefully retrieves a set of clean clothes from her closet to change into after a shower.

There are always motions to follow after a long night out.

Strip. Every last article. Tug socks off. Sniff, sniff. Tell yourself you don’t smell that terrible.

(You’re lying to yourself).

Turn on the lights to the bathroom, step in, lift the knobs up to turn the shower on. Let the first shock of cold water attack you, (gasp), before you remember that hot water is one of mankind’s best inventions. Turn it up, all the way up, all the way up. That’s right, let it sluice between your shoulder blades.

Red blossoms on your skin and steam chokes the air around you, but there is no other way that you can feel clean. Shampoo. Thread your fingers through your hair. Lather. Wash it off. Soap. Take that yellow sponge off its place on the rack and scrub.

Scrub, scrub, scrub.

Can your skin get any redder? Oh yes, it can. But you know that the redder it is, the cleaner it gets. Tiny spots of red appear beneath your skin as the thin layer of capillaries give way to the pressure. Do you care that they’ll probably show tomorrow? Maybe, a little, because someone will point out that you’ve scrubbed/scratched yourself too hard, please be careful, and you will have to nod and offer an empty promise.

When all that is done, you don’t have much left to do.

Careless words, careless actions. Does she love me less? I didn’t mean it. I’m sorry.

Tears prick at her eyes. Water from her hair drips onto her face. Tears flow from her eyes.

Her hand clenches into her bathrobe. Her uncut nails poke at her skin.

*

She pushes a door open.

“Joohyun?”

Oh. Wait. She’s not in her room. Why?

Two steps forward.

Joohyun shifts in her bed.

One step back.

Why is she here? Get out, get out—

“Seul?” Oh no. Her voice cracked. Did she have enough water to drink? Why’s her voice so hoarse?

“Joohyun-unnie,” Seulgi greets, finding herself unable to back out of the room. “You’re awake.” Ah, choosing to point out the obvious. Good job. Doesn’t make you seem less dumb, not at all!

A creaking of the bed. A shift in weight. Did Joohyun sit up? “So… Joohyun-unnie?” A humourless laugh. “Seul, please. Are we not past that?”

“Don’t I call you unnie sometimes?” she says, knowing that’s not what Joohyun meant. Her fists clench harder. She takes a step forward. Another. “Okay, no, that’s… that’s…” she tries searching for the words, “I don’t know… where we stand.” That’s not what she wants to say either. “I’m… I…”

Seulgi takes two more steps forward. She takes her place beside Joohyun, and it feels so wonderfully familiar to be so near to Joohyun again that she wants to cry again. Her left palm presses into Joohyun’s damp pillow. Wait, what?

“Were you crying?” she blurts out the question before she can stop it.

Beside her, Joohyun stiffens. “No. I didn’t want to wait for my hair to dry before I slept.”

A blatant lie. Joohyun’s hair is dry, and she wasn’t remotely close to being asleep earlier.

Seulgi doesn’t really know what comes sort of courage seizes her, but her right arm reaches over to wrap itself around Joohyun’s shoulders. Her bones jut into Seulgi’s palm, and her heart clenches at the thought that Joohyun’s not been eating enough lately. Why? Joohyun’s back is entirely rigid. She brings her left hand to sweep aside Joohyun’s bangs, lets her thumb trail a path down the outline of Joohyun’s face. She doesn’t need to be able to see Joohyun to be able to feel that Joohyun’s eyelids are wet, her cheeks still stained with the tracks of dried tears.

“Were you crying?” she asks again.

She feels Joohyun’s long exhale. “It’s been a trying week.”

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to hurt you.”

Another exhale. “No, you didn’t. But you ran. Again.” There is a note of resignation to her voice. “Again.” This time it comes out a little more forcefully, but she can hear the crack in it. “Why, Seul? I… Were you upset with me?”

“Upset? With you? How could you think that?”

Joohyun shifts to face Seulgi properly. Her breath fans Seulgi’s face. “What was I supposed to think, Seulgi-ah? We… we were fine before I left you in the living room that night and then when I wake up the next day, you don’t show up for breakfast even though Yerim and I made blueberry pancakes. Then I find out from Seungwan that you weren’t even in your room. I thought okay, sure, maybe you were going to meet someone, but then you just don’t show up for anything but our schedules and I don’t see you and you don’t talk to me and you avoid making eye contact with me and you disappear – from even the group chat – and… , Seul.

“Then you don’t come h… to the dorms and I find out from Taeyong, of all people, that you were out on a little sojourn with Chungha all night and truthfully I thought you’d be back at some point today since you didn’t come back last night…” her voice breaks. “, Seul. I didn’t know what you were thinking. All I knew was that you didn’t want to be around me—”

“I’m sorry,” she cuts in. Her left hand feels moisture against her skin and no, no, Joohyun-ah, don’t cry, please. “I’m sorry I didn’t come back home. I’m so, so sorry. Joohyun-ah, it’s… it’s not you, it’s me—”

“Seulgi?” Joohyun’s hand jerks to grip Seulgi’s knee, panic evident in her voice. “Are you—”

Oh. Wait. It sounded like that. “No, no, no, not that, no. Never. No.”

“Then what?” Confusion. “I… I don’t... I don’t understand.”

“You can’t. It’s just… me.”

“Then help me understand.”

“But—"

“Please.” Joohyun’s grip on her knee grows stronger. “If it’s not me, then… This can’t keep happening. I am here for you to tell me things. We’ve… we’ve talked about this the last time, remember? You’ve got to tell me things. We need to talk so I can understand what you’re feeling. Seulgi, please.”

Oh, but where does she start?

Seulgi sighs. At least she’s managed to infer that Joohyun’s not entirely mad at her. And she can’t help it but lean into Joohyun’s shoulder, inhaling the faint lavender scent of Joohyun’s clothing and the stronger waft of her strawberry shampoo and just something else that was so distinctly Joohyun. She hates that Joohyun’s is still tensed for another four seconds before she finally succumbs, her posture relaxing as she wraps Seulgi in a hug.

Her voice is muffled against the material of Joohyun’s top, “I’m sorry. I don’t ever mean to hurt you, Hyun-ah. I’m sorry. I’m sorry,” and she says it like how one would chant a prayer, complete supplication as she beseeches for the understanding of a higher power.  To love another person, is to see the face of God – Joohyun’s everything to her. Everything.

“Seulgi,” Joohyun says, a pleading note to her voice, “tell me what’s been going through your mind.

“You’re not usually like this,” Seulgi whispers. “You’ve never… lowered yourself.” She wanted to say that Joohyun never begged, but she doubts Joohyun’s going to appreciate that verb very much.

Joohyun’s other hand reaches forward to thumb Seulgi’s cheekbone. “Is it so hard to believe that I’m rather – as much as I hate to admit this – desperate for some answers?” Her thumb stills. “It hurts, Seulgi-ah.”

She opens to apologise again, but Joohyun’s finger presses against her lips and she makes a shushing sound.

“Please, just tell me everything. We’ve got a lot of time tonight. I don’t think I’ll be able to go to sleep anytime soon.”

“You’ve not been sleeping well.” Guilt pricks her heart. Idiot, idiot. “I—”

“Enough with that. You know I don’t sleep well even at the best of times.”

Seulgi fidgets a bit and shifts her head so it rests atop Joohyun’s shoulder. Her arm snakes down to wrap more tightly around Joohyun’s waist.

“It’ll sound stupid.”

“I’ve got all night.”

“It will sound stupid.”

“And I’ve known you for the past nine years, Seulgi.” Joohyun’s hand slips off Seulgi’s face to rub circles against Seulgi’s back. “From when you were still putting that last two centimetres to your height, and how could you grow taller when you were already taller than me then? Or, don’t you remember? I’ve known you when you were at your lowest—”

“That’s the problem, unnie. Don’t I get boring? Don’t I stop being interesting to you? Don’t you get tired of me?”

“What?”

“It’s true, isn’t it? I’m boring, I’m not funny, I don’t ever get things done right. Sometimes I say things, sometimes I do things, that make you sad. I don’t ever, ever, ever mean to make you sad but I am just absurdly stupid. I bumble around, I break things without meaning to, I am not enough for you, Hyun-ah. How could I ever compare to Bae Joohyun? Bae Joohyun from Daegu, the prettiest girl in the whole world,” Seulgi recites that line that the other members have about.

“You’re beautiful, you’re intelligent, you’re aware of things, and I am not. Everyone thinks you’re amazing. I think you’re amazing. Then I look at myself in the mirror and all I can think about is how I can never be enough to deserve you, and I swallow my words when I look at you because I lose my tongue around you, which is altogether a disaster because the last time I did that you were upset. I make you worry, I make you sad. I don’t make you happy, nope.”

“Seulgi—”

“No, wait, let me finish. Sometimes, I remember that you’ve lived a life before coming to S.M. Sometimes I remember that you know what it’s like, hoping and dreaming for a life beyond whatever we do now. Then there is Kang Seulgi, who’s only known how to dance and sing, and doesn’t know anything else.” She sighs. “It sounds stupid, and I know that, but sometimes I think that I will never be able to give you what you want.

“Haven’t you once dreamt of something else? Outside of Red Velvet? Oh, I don’t know. A boyfriend? A husband? Someone who’s kind and caring and will not forget to give you flowers on an anniversary? Kids? Someone who’s going to be able to cook for you without screwing up at every step she takes? Don’t you ever think, oh, Seulgi’s ridiculous? Don’t you ever think that you can do better than me?”

By now, Seulgi’s pulled herself back, extricating herself from Joohyun’s arms. She waits. Oh gosh, did she really say all that?

Joohyun, Joohyun, tell me I’m right, that I am a terrible idiot. Joohyun, tell me I’m not worthy. Joohyun, tell me if you want me to leave. Joohyun, tell me if you don’t want me to waste your time anymore. Please, please. Don’t keep me around if you’re tired of me.

“Firstly, why the would I want to marry a guy, Kang Seulgi? And , you are ridiculous. For God’s sake, have you been keeping all of this in? You’re a complete fool if you think that I could ever tire of you,” she whispers fiercely. “Look at me.” Joohyun’s hand grips Seulgi’s chin. If the blinds were up she’s sure that she’ll see Joohyun’s intense gaze would boring into her eyes. “Do you want to know what I think, Kang Seulgi?”

“Always.”

“When you stare at me, my heart trembles, do you know that, Seul? Yes, don’t look at me like that. I can’t see you, but you’ve probably scrunched your face up, just so.” And Seulgi quickly smooths her expression. “I… I had no idea you felt inadequate about me, because all I can think of when I look at you is how proud I am of you, how amazing you are at everything, how lovely and kind you can be. I love you, Seulgi-ah. Don’t you know that?”

“I… do…?” Seulgi ventures, carefully. “But you’re so much better, and you deserve so much more than—”

“Can we not?”

“Sorry?”

There is a beat. Then Joohyun says, somewhat wryly, “Why are we like this?”

“Hmm?”

“Skirting around each other. Not talking about issues. Not talking about anything that hurts us. Seulgi, Seulgi. We’ve known each other for a very long time, and you know me very well, as I know you. But I can’t read your mind, please know that. I don’t know what goes on in that pretty head of yours all the time, and it pains me to know that you’ve harboured all these insecurities for goodness knows how long.”

“I’m sorry. I’m not very good with words, or talking about myself, my feelings, or…”

“Stop apologising. I know all this, Seul. I know you’re not good with digging out everything that’s a part of your heart and your deepest thoughts because you’ve got so much going through you all the time.” A pause. “I always want to know what goes through your head.” Another pause. “You said you’re an idiot but I sometimes cannot help but be amazed at the myriad of ideas that pass through your mind.”

Joohyun doesn’t say anything for a moment as she s for the correct words. Seulgi waits, and in truth, she will always wait for Joohyun.

You’re an ocean. No, no, your head is an ocean. You’re a sea, and I’m always treading the waters, testing how much I can go, sometimes I take a dive, and I see the colours submerged in you, an entire universe inside you that I know I can never fully explore. I take a plunge, and sometimes I find myself shocked that there are filaments of firing nerves inside you that’s recreating me in your depthless mind.

She doesn’t say that, so instead Joohyun says, “You’re air. My air. I’m lucky.”  

Seulgi her head, confused. Joohyun wonders if she’ll ever pen everything down for Seulgi one day so she’ll be able to say what she cannot say now. “We’re here in this together. Don’t forget that. I’m here today because you were there. Don’t you know that?”  

“I am here today because Joohyun-unnie was there for me.”

Seulgi feels Joohyun’s fingers thread through her hair. “Haven’t you heard that it’s the same for me too? I wouldn’t have made it here today if it wasn’t for you, Kang Seulgi. Bae Joohyun from Daegu, the prettiest girl in the whole world, wouldn’t be as pretty when she cries herself to bed every night, alone in a big city.” A watery laugh. “So please, please, never discount yourself. Please, tell me everything. I don’t want you to suffer in your own head when you’re by my side. Please.”

Seulgi considers this for a moment. “I’m lucky too. To have had the privilege of making you stay here, with me, by my side.” Impulsively, she adds, “I’ve missed you.”

“Me too, Seul, me too.”

She lets her lips stretch into a smile as she asks, “Hyun-ah, can I stay with you tonight?”

“Did you really have to ask?”

*****

“I know this isn’t just a dream, I love you…”                                    

Seungwan nibbles on her carrot stick. Being on diet in a bit of a . She glances at Seulgi who’s heartily chewing on bread, that little . Seulgi, who’s got the dopiest grin on her face.

“Yah, Sooyoung-ah. Pass the salt.”

“You’re already salty enough, unnie,” Sooyoung says at the same time as Yeri grumbles, “they’re back to being unbearably smitten for each other again.”

“The two of them are always unbearable,” Sooyoung points out.

“I’m right here, you know!” Seulgi protests with full.

Oh, screw it. diets are overrated. Seungwan flings the carrot in Seulgi’s general direction. “Make yourself useful and feed your rabbit and stop speaking with your mouth full.”

Sooyoung hands Seungwan a slice of toast wordlessly as Yeri muffles a snigger. Seulgi looks hurt, just fleetingly, before she brightens up again when Joohyun drifts towards them to join them for breakfast. Yeri wonders just how she survived their disgusting company for years. Ugh. These unnies.  

*****

Bonus:

She groans when she sees a new series of fairy lights strung all over her room. A post-it on her bed frame reads: welcome home, idiot.

Seungwan smirks up at her from behind her laptop. She’s got her earpieces plugged in but Seulgi doesn’t need to glance at her screen to know that Seungwan’s probably video chatting. It’s Skype With Eunji Saturday after all.

Altogether, it’s too bright to remain in this room. How does Seungwan survive the assault of all these tiny yellow bulbs?  

Seungwan’s probably not going to budge on this. And so Seulgi lets out a sigh, but Seungwan’s smirk grows wider because she knows that Seulgi isn’t entirely reluctant to be effectively expelled from the room. Seulgi, who grabs her phone before she escapes the fairy lights extravaganza to seek refuge in Joohyun’s room. Well, not before she flings her red sweatshirt in Seungwan’s general direction and lets a self-satisfied smirk curl on her face when Seungwan yelps in response.

“Unnie, unnie, unnie! Seungwan’s managed to put up dozens and dozens of fairy lights in the room!” Seulgi blabbers as she bursts into Joohyun’s room, who startles and nearly drops her hair dryer. “She’s worse than all the mean animals we saw in Mexico! Seungwan’s like… like… a bug!”

“Seulgi, are you calling our fellow member a… bug…?”

“Yes!” Seulgi exclaims, skipping over to Joohyun before she manages to trip over her pants and falls forward. Joohyun catches her before she knocks her forehead against the dresser. “But, as I was saying – she is a bug. Tiny, evil… did Sooyoung and Yerim help her? Joohyun-ah, why didn’t you stop them! Now I’ll never be able to sleep in my room again!”

At this, Joohyun giggles. She sets the hair dryer down on her dresser. “Oh? That’s a problem?”

“Yes!” she declares empathetically, and before Joohyun can react, she presses on, “Hyun-ah, don’t you want to sleep alone in your room sometimes? Your bed isn’t very big at all.”

Joohyun shrugs. “When have you begun to care that the bed’s too small, Seulgi? You used to insist that we cram together on a smaller bed—”

“Because you were afraid of thunderstorms and I couldn’t leave you alone!” Joohyun laughs at this. “Oh. If you don’t mind, I guess I don’t either. I really don’t want to impose…”

“You can never.” Joohyun’s eyes are twinkling as she reaches forward to smooth Seulgi’s hair before her hand drops to Seulgi’s hand to tug her towards the bed. “You’ll never be imposing Seul. Never.” Joohyun fiddles with Seulgi’s fingers. “Now, tell me about Mexico. And hey, you’ve gotten tanner – you look a bit more like a bear now.”

Seulgi turns a little pink. “Yes. Tanner. Darn. Am I more of your Seulgom now?” she smiles, shyly.

“Perhaps,” she allows. The pink on Seulgi’s cheeks is distracting. “My Seulgom,” she muses aloud.

“Yours,” Seulgi says this like a promise. She her head to the side, clearly deliberating over her next move. “Can I tell you about Mexico later?”

“Hmm? Why?”

“Because I want to do this.” Seulgi’s smile doesn’t fade as she leans forward to capture Joohyun’s lips with her own.          

FIN