He was the new guy in their second year… and he was shy, his voice so quiet… that Minho had barely caught it when he had introduced himself.

 

Lee Taemin.

 

He was only a little shorter than him so the teacher rearranged the seating, giving Taemin a seat next to him. Minho didn’t mind- Taemin was a lot quieter than his previous seating partner...and there was something about him that had made him begun to try hard to be his friend.

 

They had become friends eventually. Really good friends. Taemin spoke more often, more freely and Minho realized how melodic his voice could be when he grew louder, more confident of his words. He had a beautiful, contagious smile and all Minho needed to cheer up the air around him… was to make Taemin smile.

 

Time passed and soon it was the end of high school. Before the exams, there was a farewell dance and Minho still remembered his soft words during one of their self- study sessions.

 

“If we don’t find partners for the dance, wanna go together?”

 

It was only later that Minho understood why he couldn’t say yes to someone else who had asked him to the dance two days after Taemin had suggested that.

 

---

 

Purple.

 

Taemin had worn a purple suit to the dance...and Minho knew why from the way he had briefly stared at the black one he had worn. Taemin had worn it for him.

 

Minho had complained briefly about how he had to wear his grandfather’s old suits and the only one that fitted decently was a purple one. But his grandfather had bought him a black one the morning of the dance as an early birthday gift.

 

“You look nice,” Minho couldn’t help but compliment...because indeed Taemin did, despite wearing a color that made him stand out in the crowd. Taemin muttered a thank you, his ears growing pink. He couldn’t raise his gaze and Minho understood why. He was growing conscious of all the people turning back to look at him secretly, whispering away.

 

Minho finished his juice before he leaned closer to whisper, “This is boring. Let’s go to the arcade?”

 

Taemin nodded, smiling in relief.

 

---

 

They had played at the arcade for a good while and were about to head back home since it was almost closing time. But Taemin grabbed Minho’s arm, halting him before the photo booth they were passing by.

 

“We don’t have a single picture together. Wanna take one?”

 

They squeezed in on the little bench inside and Minho found the camera, softly telling Taemin to give a smile. Taemin shifted closer and the camera clicked after a recorded voice prompt. When the second time the camera flashed, Minho felt soft lips on his cheek. He looked to his side, finding Taemin too close. Their eyes met and they stayed like that for a few moments. Taemin leaned closer, softly kissing Minho on the lips and...Minho didn’t know what to do. His heart was beating wildly and he was too overwhelmed by it. Taemin withdrew and Minho just stared; stared at how beautiful he looked in that moment, at how color was rising in his cheeks. At how much he must have thought and struggled before deciding to kiss him. At how difficult it must have been, to gather his courage.

 

Taemin’s eyes, they began to lose spark at how awestruck, frozen Minho was… and when Minho realized what his silence was doing, he immediately leaned ahead and kissed Taemin, gently cupping his cheek as he deepened their kiss.

 

Taemin kissed him back but pushed him away gently when the recorded voice prompt announced the end of the photo session. “I’m sorry,” He whispered as he lowered his head, “I’m so sorry.”

 

“Taemin-”

 

“I should have never...but I was so tempted.”

 

“What’s...wrong?”

 

“I’m leaving the country, Minho,” Taemin answered, “And I don’t think I will come back.”

 

Minho froze.

 

Taemin turned to the side, shifting a little away on the bench. Minho sat silent, staring at Taemin’s side profile...and Taemin stared at the camera in front, waiting for Minho to say something. Anything.

 

“You...” Minho began, his painful heart taking the form of rage, “You shouldn’t have kissed me.”

 

“I’m sorry,” Taemin whispered again and stepped out of the booth.

 

Minho stared at the empty space he left and his lips quivered. He got up right away and dashed out behind Taemin… but he was long gone.

 

---

---

 

 

“Coffee?” The attendant asked, breaking Minho from his daze and making him turn away from the fields and trees that he had been watching pass by at speed, lost in an unexplainable nostalgia, his heart in an unexplainable knot.

 

Minho was cold but he refused it politely. He knew the coffee offered on this train had a different taste. A taste that would perhaps make him more nostalgic than he was, more regretful than he usually felt, more burdened than he could endure. After all, he had drunk many a cups that day.

 

The day he had left town, his heart on the route of breaking.

 

---

 

It was cold but it hadn’t snowed yet. Minho wrapped his scarf around his neck before pulling his backpack out from under his seat. He stepped out of the train, his heart beating faster, slightly heavier. It had been four years since he left. Four years, and though he could see change before him… there was none in him.

 

He almost wanted to take the train back to that little haven he had built for himself in the next town. A room in a boys’ hostel in the busiest part of that town. He had been working at a retail store to get by, still unsure if he wanted to go to business school or not. It was far better than living in his grandfather’s cabin, now littered with nothing but memories. It was far better than living in a town that reminded him of the one he was in love with, and would perhaps forever be in love with, the one who had stirred those feelings to a point of no return that night.

 

Minho took the bus to where his cabin was. He had the keys ready when he got down the bus and he greeted his neighbor, who had been kindly keeping an eye on the house for him. He unlocked the door and entered, his eyes settling on the dust that had accumulated over the years. It made him realize how long he had been gone. His heart ached slightly, looking at the pictures collecting dust, memories related to them flashing before his eyes.

 

He began cleaning to distract himself and was done by the end of the day. When he sat in the armchair and looked around, he couldn’t help but smile.

 

I never knew this place could look so neat.

 

His eyes trailed to the window. He could clearly see the stars because this place was away from the bustle of the town and a little higher as well. He walked to his window, dragging a chair to sit before it. And as he sat and watched the faintly illuminated peace of the night, he finally realized how much he had missed this place.

 

The restlessness within him that had forced him to be busy every waking second of the day partially was because of his longing for this peace, the longing for this comfort, for this feeling that he didn’t know how else to describe… but to call being home.

 

His heart fell all of a sudden because he knew he couldn't stay. He couldn’t stay because...this feeling of being home…would soon turn lacking. It was the very reason he had left. To not feel that something was missing. To not let that loss be so blaring. To not keep hurting.

 

He sighed and was going to close the window… but he halted, thinking to himself before leaving it open.

 

It was time to stop avoiding everything… to stop letting one sentiment ruin every other.

 

---

 

Minho had gone to the market early in the morning. He had walked instead of taking the bus because he had missed the scenery and wanted to view it to his heart’s content...because he wasn’t sure when he would be back next. Truly, he...didn’t want to be back for a long, long time. He was here to completely severe himself from this town. It was not only just his cabin that he would have to sell. Or the things in it.

 

What he had come to severe… was his heart.

 

Every year, before it snowed, his high school classmates gathered for a night out. It was something like a reunion but involved just a simple dinner and catching up. He could have made it every year after all the next town was only 6 hours away by train. But he had refused every year. But this year… when the call came, instead of making an excuse, he had agreed to attend.

 

“Try to make it this time, buddy. Taemin’s gonna be there!”

 

Minho didn’t know why he had agreed to go. He perhaps couldn’t look at Taemin without feeling guilty. He perhaps couldn’t look at Taemin without letting his eyes give his heart away. His wretched heart that still was stuck on him despite hurting day after day.

 

Maybe, Taemin wouldn’t look at him either. Maybe, Taemin would look. Because he had moved on. Because he was now happy.

 

Minho didn’t know what he would do, what he would say when he would meet him. After all, they had parted so bitterly… without even a goodbye.

 

After that night of the dance, Minho had only seen Taemin in passing during the exams. Never had their paths crossed… maybe, Taemin made sure to never cross his path. And Minho had lost all his desire to save what they had on seeing Taemin be so distant.

 

It was only when he was truly gone that Minho realized what he had lost. He hadn’t realized it was love then but when he was gone, he did. He hadn’t realized Taemin had slowly made way into his thoughts, into his future, into the life he always used to envision, but when he was gone, he did. He had lost his heart and what he now nursed was a painful shell. He had lost his reason and had become aimless, discontent.

 

He got back home and made himself breakfast. He sat chewing on his toast, unable to stop thinking of the past. It made him fidget with his wallet, made him want to take out that photo strip he had folded and hidden between business cards. It was the only set of photos they had taken together.

 

He finally gave in, after months and months of trying not to look at them. He set his toast aside and wiped his hands on his jeans before pulling the folded strip out. The first one was a normal picture, of both of them smiling.

 

Have I ever smiled like that again after that day? He wondered to himself, not able to remember even one moment he could have smiled or laughed with all his heart. He suddenly yearned to be as happy as he was in that photo...but it was not going to happen. Not until he could resolve the knot in his heart. Not until he could face Taemin again.

 

He unfolded the strip picture by picture, hesitatingly.

 

Looking at them, his heart begun to hurt. He shouldn't have looked at them. He shouldn’t have.

 

Because in those pictures, it was so blatant. So vivid. So real.

 

How much he loved Taemin.

 

---

 

When Minho woke up the next day…it was snowing. The snow had fallen earlier this year. It had doused everything in white overnight and Minho found it beautiful, the way the snow was still untouched by human movement and glistening in the morning light.

 

When the sun was about to set, Minho left for the restaurant the reunion was being held in. He took the bus as it was still snowing softly and the path that had been cleared out previously, had again collected enough snow to make it hard to walk. He got off at the marketplace and walked from there, soon finding the venue.

 

He was about to enter but he stopped short in front of the huge glass window, his eyes settling on a face amongst many. A face that his eyes would effortlessly find first no matter how huge the crowd. He was smiling, he was making conversation. He looked far more charming than the last time Minho saw him...his smile was so beautiful...far more beautiful, brighter than he remembered...and Minho’s heart fell.

 

He had been the only one hurting all this while. The only one still affected by the past, wearing it in his mien.

 

He had been the only one...who hadn’t- and perhaps, still couldn’t- smile with happiness.

 

His daze broke when one of his classmates arriving from the opposite direction called out to him. Minho instantly covered his despair with a smile, something that he had grown accustomed to doing now. He greeted his friend and entered, greeting everyone else as he reached the long table they had booked. He greeted Taemin too, his eyes only briefly meeting his. Minho couldn’t look at him more than that, afraid of what kind of eyes Taemin held when looking at him.

 

It was so evident from the previous glimpse he had got. Taemin had moved on. It  If he looked at Taemin now, his eyes might give away that he had not. If he looked at Taemin now, his heart would either hurt or yearn. Because Taemin was the missing piece… the void in his feeling of being home.

 

It was so difficult. To try and pretend that they had been no more than friends. To try and pretend that they had only naturally drifted apart. That the reason Minho had left was only his grandfather’s death and not his devastated, broken heart. It was so difficult… to pretend that sitting there, in shared space… had no effect on him at all.

 

It was so difficult… to pretend that the person seated diagonally opposite him, didn’t have his heart.

 

The meal was more or less done and Minho could no longer endure sitting there. He had seen what he had come to see. What he needed now was time to himself, so he could accept his loss finally, so he could severe what was keeping him hanging, hurting.

 

He had to leave...because if he sat there another minute, listening to his melodic voice recite happy words, he would be tempted to ruin it with his rage. He had done it before. He knew how wrong he could be...and the last thing he wanted was to pass on this suffering...to see pain in the eyes he so dearly loved.

 

“I have something to take care of- I’ll try to be back quick,” Minho said, getting up, flipping his phone open and grabbing his jacket as he pressed random keys, trying to seem like he indeed had someplace else he needed to be.

 

“Come on now. Just stay! Dessert’s not here yet.”

 

“It’s important,” Minho answered the guy who had spoken up and smiled in apology before bidding everyone goodbye in a rush and walking out.

 

He took a deep breath when he was out and slowed his pace when he was a good distance away from the restaurant. But suddenly something cold hit the back of his head, little granules of it melting as they fell into his jacket and onto his skin. He turned around right away and his eyes widened, finding Taemin stand a few steps behind, panting as he dusted his gloves off the snow.

 

Minho averted his gaze immediately, taken aback by his presence.

 

“You shouldn’t have come if you hated me enough to not even look at me,” Taemin said, his voice low yet tinged with anger, with despair.

 

Minho remained still, watching his snow-covered boots, his heart beating rapidly. He couldn’t ascertain why Taemin had followed him out, why he had spoken those words.

 

“Look at me,” Taemin said but Minho quivered, unable to raise his gaze, “Look at me!”

 

Minho raised his head immediately at Taemin’s strained exclamation, his eyes welling up, his heart no longer in his control. “I realized it the hard way,” Minho whispered, his moist eyes meeting Taemin’s troubled ones, “That I could never hate you.”

 

Taemin’s face softened at his words. He bit his lip, staring at Minho for a while before he briskly closed the distance between them, embracing him. “Idiot,” He whispered as he nuzzled into Minho’s shoulder, his tone now less strained. “Did you really think I would forget you this easy?”

 

Minho wrapped his arms around Taemin, hugging him back, “Yes...I’m an idiot….because I hoped that you did.”

 

Taemin frowned as he fisted his palm and hit Minho’s back; Minho groaned softly in pain but held Taemin tighter, a little smile finally finding its way on his face from his heart.

 

“I’m home,” Taemin whispered and Minho just nodded into his shoulder, overwhelmed by his words.

 

---

 

It was snowing softly, little flakes settling between strands of Taemin’s dark hair. Minho found him beautiful, humming to the song on the radio. They were sitting on the steps of the porch, holding hands as they watched the flurries of snow pass them by.

 

“We couldn’t dance that day,” Taemin said softly, resting his head on Minho’s shoulder.

 

Minho looked at their entangled fingers, “Lee Taemin, will you dance with me?”

 

Taemin chuckled, getting on his feet right away and pulling Minho into their snow-covered yard, wrapping his arms around his neck immediately, making Minho hold his waist and sway along with him to the faint melody.

 

Minho couldn’t help but smile seeing Taemin smile and he kissed him, slowly deepening their kiss. They broke away for breath and Taemin lowered his gaze, “You will stay, right?”

 

Minho bumped his forehead into Taemin’s, “How can I not when you worked so hard to come back?”

 

Taemin blushed, raising his gaze to meet Minho’s. Minho knew what he wanted to say in that silence. It was evident in his eyes.

 

A soft smile grew on Taemin’s lips, because those unsaid words, they were evident too, in Minho’s eyes.