“Yes, I love you.”

“But you’re not going to choose me.” I finished it for him. His eyes never left mine, traced with tears he tried to hard to keep from falling.

“No,” he said. I already saw this coming but it didn’t hurt any less. I wish I could run away from this moment but I wanted to stay until he left. I wanted to hold this moment in my hands because I knew this would be the last, I wanted to keep it in my memories for as long as I could even if it meant goodbye. “I’m not choosing you.”

 

It felt like someone took my heart straight out of my chest, and here I was hoping he’d fix it but as I expected, he’d break it even more. But joke’s on me, I handed him my heart.

 

That was the last time I saw him.

 

“Just go visit a doctor. It might not just be a flu. You’ve had it for days.” A colleague advised me. It was typical of me to just drink water and vitamins because I hated relying on meds and who had the energy and time to go to a hospital? Not me.

“I’ll probably do that tomorrow if my temp’s still high.” I told her. 

“Yeah, you better do just that.” She mockingly said. We both knew I should do it now. 

“Tomorrow.” I said then we both hung up after catching up on work. I missed three days of work because I wasn’t feeling well lately. Cough and colds, and a really bad headache. I guessed I was fatigued. I tend to work too much but because my job demanded it. 

 

I slept all day but I was feeling a lot heavier at night. I woke up with a high fever and I knew I had to drive myself to the hospital. Drove 20 miles per hour just to ensure I could get to the nearest hospital safely. Made it, but I really felt like dying. Walked myself to the emergency room and out.

 

Yay me.

 

I could barely remember anything from that entrance to the emergency room. But the sunlight coming from the windows woke me up. So I was alive then. 

 

Someone touched my forehead and measured my temperature, “Hmm… Your temperature’s better now.” That voice. His hands felt cold on my forehead. I wouldn’t recognize how his skin felt in mine if he didn’t speak. But now that he did, his touch felt familiar.

 

I looked up to him. I wasn’t sure if I missed him but I was sure I didn’t want to see him. Not at this circumstance. Not when I was weak. Not when I couldn’t run away from him. Definitely not the same way when I first met him.

 

“You still don’t know how to take care of yourself.” He started writing something on my records that was with him. He mumbled this but it was loud enough for me to hear. 

 

I looked away from him. I still wasn’t sure if I wanted to see him after all these years. And I didn’t like the way he was speaking, it was as if all those years did not pass at all. I missed him a lot before, he broke my heart then, but I didn’t feel that way now. 

 

“You just need to stay until tonight, we’ll monitor your temperature and do a bit more tests then you’ll be discharged once cleared.” He said, then the room was silent. I didn’t want to talk to him. I didn’t feel like I could talk to him. What did I have to say? Should I pretend like nothing happened five years ago? Because seeing him now, I was only reminded of that night when he left.

“Ahh, so we’re not on speaking terms yet.” He said. “Right, I understand.” He pulled a chair beside the bed and sat down comfortably. I wish I had that nerve. I still couldn’t look at him. I might cry. “Well, I have time. I’m off-duty right now.” 

 

I didn’t need to know that. 

 

“I came back three months ago.” He started. “It’s so good to be back.” Silence. A heartbeat or two. And another two. He sighed, “I was surprised to see your name on the list of patients rushed in last night.”

 

Silence. I was reminded of the first time I met him. I also had fever. He attended to me. Took care of me. That’s how we became friends. And more. 

 

“I was surprised to see it was you. The other doctor and the nurses did well. I was attending to another patient last night and was scheduled for my rounds, so I only got to visit you this morning after my duty.” He added. “But it seems that they’ve covered everything already.” He flipped through my records again. Maybe I was out longer than I thought. 

“Stop it.” Finally, I found my voice. 

 

Silence. 

 

“I just… I know it’s weird and uncomfortable, and… Well, I missed you. I missed familiar faces. All the doctors here are new, everyone I knew then don’t work here anymore. The new residents are young, even the patients who come in and out, I don’t know them anymore.” He was gone for five years and everything, and everyone changed. 

 

Almost eighth of the population moved to the city, some of the older generation died due to the virus that spread rapidly, half got infected and had to be treated on larger hospitals, and most didn’t come back anymore. 

 

I came back. I got infected. But he didn’t know that. Because he left. Although the main reason why he left was because he was needed at another place with a lot of infected patients. It took years before the virus was completely gone, and a vaccine was finally available. 

 

Even me, I thought I was going to die. But it surely felt like dying being sick for a long time. It felt like dying not knowing exactly what virus hit us. 

 

He was gone to save others. He wasn’t there to save me. He did his job. It was just a bit tragic that I got sick with the same virus he was trying to treat the other people from. 

 

“Your hair really looks good on you.” He suddenly said, bringing me out of my trance. I did change my hair. It felt like I needed something to change when I recovered from the virus. It really took a toll on me after Wonwoo left. And I wanted less of anything that would remind me of him. And he always loved my long hair. 

 

“Why did you come back?” I found myself asking. 

 

He looked at me as if he didn’t see that question coming. Then his look softened. As if understanding me, still being patient with me, just like the old times. “This is home.”

It felt like he was telling me I was his home. But I shouldn’t think that. What we had was gone the moment he left. The moment he knew he wasn’t going to choose me. While I understood why he had to leave, I still wished he didn’t have to.

 

He made it clear he wasn’t coming back and I was left to believe that. I lived my life knowing he would never come back. But he was here, flesh and alive, right before me. I didn’t know how and what to make of that.

 

I mean what do you do when the person you loved the most left, lived your life without him, and he comes back like this… more beautiful than ever? More successful? More built? It felt like I didn’t want him here but I also wanted to ask, just ask for once, how he had been in the last five years.

 

He stood up, “Well, I need to get some sleep. You too, you need more rest and then a nurse will check on you in about…” He looked at his watch, “an hour.” 

 

He looked at me again, and I wanted to cry and hug him. Just ensure this was real, and I wasn’t dreaming. Or just… wish I’d wake up from this dream at the same time.

 

“I wish you didn’t leave.” I found myself saying, it stopped both of us. God damn it, I shouldn’t have asked. “I--I’m sorry. Forget I said it.”

 

“Me too, I wish I didn’t leave.” He said, took a step closer to the bed, and squeezed my hand. “I had to, you know that..” 

 

“I know. But look how things have changed. Everything has changed.” I looked at our hands. Mine still looked tiny embraced by his.

 

“I’m here now…” He squeezed my hand again.

 

I looked at him, tried to read his eyes. “But I’m not… I’m not ‘there’ anymore.” 

 

I finally knew why it was confusing. Because I used to love him more than anything and anyone else, but now I don’t feel anything anymore and I’m trying to see if I still do, but there’s nothing. I was aware that I didn’t have any feelings for him anymore, but I knew I had those feelings for him. But I couldn’t remember it now.

 

And it was weird, confusing as hell, to used to feel for him and not feel anything now.

 

When he left, I spent days at my place crying. I wasn’t ready to face the world without him by my side. But life had to go on. I spent nights at the same place where I drown myself in a bottle of wine all by myself. Every night. 

 

It’s where I met Minghao. He loved wine too. He was an artist. And he was a world different from Wonwoo. His movements were not calculated. His time for me wasn’t limited. He was free. I wanted freedom. He gave me time. He gave me what Wonwoo couldn’t have. 

 

It was always his job that went between us. He was always out there to save the people. His job demanded that. He wanted that. I loved him. And I couldn’t stop him from doing just that. Yet it all still hurt. When there are instances where he had to make a choice, and he didn’t choose me. That broke me.

“He gets to spend my birthdays with me. He gets to come to my book launches. He gets to drink wine with me.” I said. Those things I desperately wanted with Wonwoo, Minghao came through.

 

“I’m sorry I couldn’t do that for you.” Wonwoo knew. All our days together, we spent near the hospital because he needed to be there. Our date nights, his birthdays, I was always willing to give him that. Because I loved him. While I never stopped choosing him, he stopped choosing me.

 

“That’s okay. Somehow, I accepted that when we were together. I loved us then. I loved the little times we had. I loved our moments.” I smiled a little, a memory of us just eating at the hospital pantree for an hour just so we can spend time together on his birthday.

 

“It was when I left that ended us. I couldn’t choose you.”

 

“I… I hated that you had to leave and risk your health, put yourself out there. I was worried. Who was going to look after you. You’re not invincible from the virus. You’re a doctor but you’re a human too. I hated that you care a lot about others but you… you couldn’t think of yourself.” I admitted. Finally. “You not choosing me that time broke my heart, but you, you not choosing yourself, ended me.”

 

“Stop it.” He said.

 

“What was the point of enduring all those short times I get to spend with you when you’re just going out there to sacrifice just to save a few?” I asked, and finally remembered it all. The pain. “I got infected, you know.”

 

He looked at me, surprised. Lost for words. 

 

“I got through it.” I shrugged my shoulders, stating the obvious. “Those were the times I wish you had stayed… with me.”

 

“God, I’m sorry.” He removed his hand from mine. I felt the guilt, the regret, the shame. 

 

“It’s okay now.” I clasped my hands. “When I got sick, I finally understood why you had to go out there. Because what would other people do without a doctor like you? You’re a hero, you know?” 

 

Silence. I hear him silently sob. My eyes got teary. I felt his regret. I felt his pain. Those five years must have taken a toll on him too. It must have been exhausting. The world around us was so big. It wasn’t about me. It wasn’t about what we had. It was more than that.

 

“It’s okay now.” I tapped his forearm. “We’re okay now. Those five years we’ve lost without each other made us who we are now.”

 

“I wasn’t. I’m not.” He said. “Like you, I met a girl, she was a daughter of my patient. I couldn’t save her mother. In the end, I couldn’t save her too.” 

 

That hit hard. “She was one of the last patients before the vaccine came around. It was all timing. I hated how we couldn’t hold time in our hands.” 

 

“Wonwoo…”

 

“And now I look at you, and I wasn’t the one who saved you too… it’s… all..” He bit his lower lip. Eyes full of regret. “It’s all regretful. I left to try to save people, but I left you instead and couldn’t save you. I also couldn’t save her.”

 

“I’m glad she met you, you’re a great doctor. Really the best one I’ve met.” I comforted him. But I couldn’t wrap my head around the fact that he fell in love with someone else. I guess I wasn’t prepared for that.

 

I wasn’t even prepared to fall in love with someone else when I did for Minghao.

 

He adjusted his glasses. “I really wish I didn’t leave.” He said. Silence.

 

I wasn’t sure why he wished that. I guessed it wasn’t for me. I was guessing he could have stayed to avoid all the things he had to go through in those five years. It still wasn’t for me in the end.

 

Suddenly, I finally felt the pang in my heart that was missing earlier. 

I was brought back to the times of knowing I would always be his second choice. Suddenly, it hurt again. 

 

“I’ll check on you later before you get discharged, okay?” He said in a rush and left the room.

 

It was my turn to cry. What didn’t seem to hurt me earlier finally hit me hard now.

 

Those nights I spent at the Artist Room drinking wine, only thinking about Wonwoo… I remember them all clearly. Minghao owned the place. It was natural for him to notice me. He wasn’t always there though. He used to travel to different parts of the world to exhibit his art. His art even became part of big names in the fashion industry. He used to attend fashion weeks, he used to exhibit his art in New York, in big popular places. 

 

He happened to go home once, and we met. We connected. I saw him as a good friend, but we both knew we’d be more than that. He knew a lot about wines. Drinking wine because of a broken heart was lost to me then. It became an excuse to spend time with Minghao.

 

I remember why I’d fallen for him. He saved me. He was an artist, he was dark inside but he brought light to my life. He was bright, brighter than the sun. He made me happy. 

 

He was there when I got infected by the virus. He was there by my side. He never left and stood by me. He made me what it should feel like to be chosen.

 

I fell asleep thinking about Minghao. I woke up crying. 

 

Something inside me waited for Wonwoo before I left the hospital. He told me he’d visit me before I got discharged but then he wasn’t there. I tried to wait for another thirty minutes, but I had to leave.

 

I knew he’d get busy again. Why did I even hope he’d see me as he said? All our plans before when we were together didn’t go as planned. We always rescheduled until we finally cancelled plans all together and just randomly eat at a park or the hospital’s garden or pantry. 

 

I went to the Artist Room, ordered two glasses of wine, and sat at a table near the glass wall facing the streets. I watched people pass by. 

 

I took a sip, I loved how the taste of wine felt vintage to my tongue. 

 

I knew I just got discharged from the hospital and shouldn’t be drinking, but wine helped me get over the rough times, and remember the good times.

 

“This was his place.” Wonwoo sat across the table. “I missed you at the hospital. I’m sorry I had to attend to--”

 

“That’s okay.” Because that’s always how it was. 

 

“I’m still sorry.” He took the glass of wine and took a sip. “I’m also sorry that you lost him.”

 

“Me too. I’m sorry you lost her.”

 

The universe separated Wonwoo and me, made us fall in love with different people, only to take them away from us. When I got infected by the virus, Minghao never left my side. Minghao travelled most of the time, and he was asymptomatic but he was the carrier who infected me. I got checked when he was in Italy. He rushed to come home to me when I tested positive. He took care of me. Until his body weakened and suddenly showed signs of being infected. 

 

It was a blur. Until we laid his body to rest, for me it was still blurry. Those were the hardest times for me.

 

The virus took the people I loved.

 

And still, somehow, I had to live. 

 

“I couldn’t tell you much about him. I don’t want to cry anymore.” I told Wonwoo.

 

“That’s okay. I’ll be here for a long time.” Wonwoo took my hand. “I want to know the person behind the books you’ve written in those five years we lost.” 

 

I wrote about Minghao, I dedicated my books to him. But he knew about Wonwoo. And he knew I couldn’t tell much about Wonwoo to him because it was the same, I didn’t want to cry anymore that time. 

 

“Wonwoo… they were all about you.” And that’s how Minghao knew about Wonwoo. As an artist, he loved my work. He’s always supported me. That’s why I wrote Minghao’s name in my books in the dedication part.

 

Wonwoo looked at me. All those feelings I’d lost somewhere came back. All at once. 

 

It was always Wonwoo. It would always be him.