I saw him. And it felt like I couldn’t get to him.

He stood far away from me. I was walking towards him, but each step closer gets heavier and harder to make. And I’m still a couple of meters away that his figure looked so small in my eyes.
It used to be me. I used to wait for him that way—standing in that same, exact place. It’s our place.
I swallowed a lump that’s slowly starting to build in my throat. The tears that ain’t coming yet, I let the cold breeze dry the for a moment. I looked at him from far away, refused to take another step and I realized, if I get there to him, everything would change.

I didn’t realize that the moment I waited for the longest time would be the same moment I dreaded to come.



Lee Seokmin, my dearest best friend, the greatest love of my life.

“Come on, we’re running late!” I was still fixing my shoelaces as Seokmin passed by me. I was trying my best to hurry, but we’d be having our exams today and I wasn’t in the best mood.

 

Seokmin and I grew together as playmates, and never outgrew each other even in high school. Living beside each other made this happen. Being neighbors with Seokmin gave me a colorful childhood and fond memories as we grew older.

Sitting by the small stairs in our house’s front gate, I sighed as I tied my shoelaces. I just finished with my left shoe, when suddenly, I found Seokmin kneeling in front of me and gently pulling my right foot towards him. I didn’t notice he walked back to me.

I was always, always amazed by all the simple things he did for me.

“We need to hurry, but you have to tie these well because we’ll be running to school.” He then started lacing them carefully. His simple gesture rendered me speechless. He looked up to me and smiled with his eyes crinkling. It remained a wonder to me how his eyes shone like that. “Ah, you’re nervous again for the exams?” He lightly shook his head in disapproval. “No need to worry, I’ll let you copy my answers—I just can’t guarantee you a perfect score.”

That made me laugh. He could say just about anything and I’d laugh. He was my eternal happiness and I knew that. I had always known that.

He stood up and dusted his pants. “Let’s go! Either we pass or fail the exams together, okay?” He assured me and took my hand tugging me to run with him. He was a liar, I failed most exams and he passed all of them. He was always competing with another girl in our class but kept being second to her.

It was always a heart-fluttering moment whenever he held my hand. He’d always done it naturally without hesitation. He’d always held my hands as if he were born to do it.

Ah, these memories. How I wish I could relive them and memorize every detail of them. The memory faded behind my mind as I tried to focus on that small figure ahead of me. I must looked weird walking this slow. I noticed a girl sitting by the bench looking and watching me carefully.

I breathed in deeply. I didn’t want to draw much attention and to make people feel uncomfortable. I still couldn’t figure out how he stood there waiting for me. It was me in that place for years. It was me who had been waiting for him.

The wind blew. I could make out his hair being blown by it.

““Ahhh! The wind feels nice!” Seokmin stretched his arms and enjoyed the rush movement of air. I smiled to myself while watching him. It felt cold but he thought it was nice, so I had to endure the cold wind.

He caught me staring at him—it should be normal, but somehow, I found myself averting my gaze. I waited for him to speak but he didn’t.

I was curious that I had to peek at him only to catch him staring at me. “W-why?” I asked.

“You’re allowed so stare, I hope I’m allowed too.” Then he gave me that heart-stopping, knee-weakening smile.

 

I was brought back to reality as I realized his figure from afar was slowly getting more visible. He’s here. Here’s really, really here. And my heart aches so much for him.

Then he saw me. I still couldn’t make out his eyes, his nose, his lips from the distance. But I knew then, he was looking at me. My heart stopped.

I almost couldn’t breathe.

Suddenly, I was reminded of the moment during our school dance. My dad didn’t want me to be escorted to the hall by just anyone—he wanted to do it himself. I turned down Seokmin’s invitation to go to school together, but my dad assured me it’s okay to dance with him all night, or with any other boys. He just wanted to drive his little girl to school.

As I silently entered the hall, it was like the spotlight in my world only pointed to his direction. I saw him there, standing with a glass colored drink in his hand. He was in a deep conversation with another girl from our class and I took that opportunity to admire how he looked tonight.

It took a good few seconds before he finally spotted me in the crowd, but the moment felt out of this world. It was amazing, it was marvous. He shone like the stars. The moment felt an ignition to never-ending sparks.

We danced all night. We had one of the best nights of our lives spent with friends, but centered to each other. Somehow, my eyes kept finding him. And his eyes kept finding mine from the distance, even when he danced with a girl or two from our class.

He faced me. His body finally turned to me and I had no choice but to lift my foot and take more steps towards him.

I can finally see his facial features. He gave me a small smile. It felt forced. It felt sad.

I couldn’t smile back or the tears would fall and I wouldn’t have the strength to hold them back. I had to be real. I had to build my courage to close the distance.

 

I continued walking, every breath was harder to take.

 

 

Seokmin and I were walking one afternoon after our classes.It was one of those days after our school dance where the air between us seemed palpable. There used to be no awkwardness between us but something changed, but we couldn’t figure it out yet.

 

We walked in silence that was less comfortable than usual. I was too busy overthinking--did I do something wrong? Did I forget something important--his birthday? No. Did I say something he didn’t like? Or maybe he just had a bad day today? But he could tell me, he would tell me, right? I lightly shook my head but I just couldn’t help myself.

 

I was looking down while walking, trying to figure out what went wrong. Or if there was really something wrong or I was really just overthinking the situation when suddenly--

 

“Ya--!” Seokmin softly blurted and grabbed by arm which jolted me back to reality. I looked up only to realize the traffic light was still stop. I didn’t know I was about to cross the street with the green light still on for the traffic.

 

I scolded myself internally but all I could feel was his hand by my arm. And the warmth when he didn’t let go of it even if I already stopped walking. I was about to make a light joke on my stupidity when I felt his hand from my arm slowly slid down to my hand. My world stopped.

 

Everything stopped. I couldn’t even move when a girl bumped into me and walked ahead of us. I didn’t even do anything even if I was already aware we were standing in the way of the other people.

 

My heart skipped a couple of beats--that was how it felt. We stood there looking ahead of us but I was there, I couldn’t look at him, I wasn’t conscious of anything but his hand.

 

His hand slowly grasped mine. It was fluttering. It was electrifying. It was intense. It was memorable. I couldn’t move that time even if it was time to cross the street.

 

We stood there with his hand holding mine while the people around us moved busily.

 

Everything was in slow motion. And all I was aware of was him and the warmth of his hand… and how I wanted this to last forever.

 

I couldn’t look at him so I kept my head down while I continued walking towards him. I couldn’t count the remaining steps until I saw the head of his feet in my line of vision.

 

Then I remember it all.

 

It flashed through my eyes like a treasured memory. Finally, I was able to retrieve it. But it was the most painful memory. That day when he told me he prepared something for me.

 

That day when we were here, standing on the same spot, when I thought finally we were going to confess our true feelings for each other. That same day when all the pinwheels moved and the fresh air caressed our faces.

 

That day when he told me he was going to leave.

 

That day when he told me to wait for him in this place. He told me one day he’d surprise me that he’d be here when I visited this place.

 

That day when he told me he wasn’t ready to face his own feelings yet but I was important to him and as I recalled his exact words, I remember him tearing up more than I did while he said, “I’d like to hold your hand again when we meet.”

 

He never returned. Every special day, I visited this place. This small park where only few people go to and walk by, where in this corner there were lots of pinwheels. I had seen them being replaced through the years. I kept my promise, I waited for him. I visited this place whenever I could, and I would always be standing in this spot looking around, hoping maybe he’d be somewhere near me. He never was.

 

I waited through the seasons in a year. But he never came.

 

He was finally here and I should feel happy, delighted and ecstatic and I’m anything but.

 

Slowly I looked up at him. His features have matured but that only made him look better than before. Age had done him well. Seeing him this way gave me an assurance that at least, he had been fine and good all along. And I was somehow, really, truly glad to know that.

 

I couldn’t help but smile a little but I had to fake it and smile bigger so I could hide the tears better.

 

He did the same and I knew then his eyes were just as teary as mine. Years had gone by but it still felt like I knew him best.

 

He finally opened his arms and welcomed me in them. I gladly went towards him and embraced him.

 

I lived in that moment. I breathed that moment. I loved for that moment.

 

Before, he told me “Don’t forget to remember me when I leave, okay?”

 

Now he said, “It’s been a while, I hope you remembered me well when I was away.”

 

Before, he told me, “Keep your shoelaces tied, keep them tight for safety, okay?”

 

Now he said, “It’s nice to know you learned to tie your shoes well.”

 

Before, he told me “I’d like to hold your hand again when we meet.”

 

Now he was embracing me.

 

Finally, after a while, we pulled apart. He smile slowly faded, he just looked me directly in the eyes as if trying to remember how I looked like the last time we were here, or trying to memorize how I looked now.

 

My smile slowly faded too. Before I could think of anything else, he finally took my hand and I felt the same exact feeling when he held my hand when we were about to cross the street. And before I could feel anything else, he put something in my hand.

 

I slowly took it. Read it. And took it in.

 

My world crashed before my eyes.

 

“I hope you’d come. I want you to be there.” That’s all I could hear and everything faded after those words.

 

I couldn’t remember how we said goodbye, how he told me about this girl, how he told me about his life when he was away. I couldn’t take anything else in anymore.

 

All I could remember was how I was left again in the same spot while watching Seokmin walk away from my life.

 

 

I looked around, breathed in deeply, watched the pinwheels move.

 

I realized he kept his promise to hold my hand when we meet after all. He kept it when he handed me his wedding invitation.

 

He was walking away from me the way he did before--only with another girl this time. She was there sitting on the bench I just passed by earlier.

 

She was there. Just like in our lives, she’d always been there--the top in our class Seokmin kept competing with, the other girl he danced with during that school dance, the girl who bumped into me when Seokmin held my hand by the stoplight, I guess I was just always on the other end, waiting and constantly there but never the one.

 

I was never the one.

 

I wiped the tears away from my eyes. I’d still be waiting for him, maybe in the next lifetime. But in this lifetime, I’d always be waiting for him as if somehow I was made and born to wait for him.