she gets a call from joohyun.

she doesn’t take it, just stares at her phone screen flashing a picture of joohyun she can never delete from her phone—smiling and winking playfully at the camera; it makes seungwan’s heart throb each time.

sooyoung’s voice rings in her head, “stop running full speed to her when she's just going to run away in the morning.”

yerim’s voice adds, “does it give you pleasure having your heart broken each time, unnie?”

but she focuses on seulgi’s voice, echoing softly in the middle, “whatever makes you happy.”

she takes the call.

“wan.”

the tears hurriedly fill her eyes, throat suddenly tight. and it’s only joohyun’s voice.

only joohyun’s voice and she’s already a wreck, lips trembling and bones tightening around her lungs, leaving imprints of a breath that can’t stagger out.

“what?”

“i need you.”

it’s fast. automatic. almost scripted. this is, after all, how it always goes.

joohyun always needs her. seungwan always runs to her.

then, the morning after, joohyun’s always nowhere to be found.

it’s the loneliness, really. a side effect of a breakup.

they don’t love each other anymore, no; but promises of still being friends somehow caught seungwan in a web of joohyuns, her in the middle and trapped, but she doesn’t exactly know if she wants to escape.

because, well, to rephrase that, joohyun doesn’t love her anymore. seungwan never stopped loving joohyun. it was simply impossible.

especially since joohyun gets so lonely so often, calls seungwan up so often.

leaves her heartbroken so often.

seungwan lets her always.

“you’re lonely?”

“aren’t you, too?”

she is.

but it’s just not the same.

joohyun craves for company; seungwan craves joohyun’s.

maybe that can work, but the entire reason why their relationship failed was because they were only trying to fight the loneliness together.

joohyun was lonely in general; seungwan was lonely for joohyun.

joohyun was there, but seungwan could never grasp her.

“yes,” she croaks out.

maybe this time it’ll work. maybe this time seungwan can be with the joohyun who haunts her sleep instead of joohyun’s shell of a body, only there because she can’t be alone.

a sigh of relief flows from the line, giving seungwan shivers. “so you’ll come?”

no. she shouldn’t. it’s about time she stops. but there is pleading in joohyun’s voice, mixed so well with the sudden happiness. seungwan can never leave joohyun lonely. her heart clenches at the thought of joohyun lonely.

she stares at her reflection in the mirror, grips the sink with her unoccupied hand, loathes herself.

“where are you?”

she half listens, takes in the details. seulgi’s voice is louder now, “whatever makes you happy.”

joohyun makes seungwan happy, always did.

seungwan makes joohyun less lonely, always will.

she can deal with the heartbreak tomorrow morning. she can deal with hating herself, with staring disgusted at herself, the next morning.

for now, joohyun needs her.

she can never say no to joohyun.

-

she calls seungwan.

she stares at her phone as it rings, feels her heart about to burst as seungwan takes her time answering.

it really shouldn’t surprise joohyun anymore.

how many time have she hurt seungwan, anyway? how many times did she run away, afraid to make the same mistakes, then bounce right back because she can’t live without seungwan?

“you’re making this hard for both of you,” seulgi had told her, not meeting her eyes so she can hide the hurt.

because seulgi’s a friend to both of them, and seeing them both hurting hurts her a lot. and seulgi might be supportive, might let them do whatever makes them happy, but seulgi isn’t dumb. she knows this is only hurting them.

“why do you keep breaking her heart, unnie? and your own?” yerim had asked, peeking through thick lashes as she pretended to examine the table, dewdrops on her lashes.

because yerim might pretend she doesn’t care most of the time, but joohyun knows yerim checks up on them like a mother does. hurts when they hurt. and this time there is nothing much yerim can do, because they always crash back into each other, shatter each other.

“either stop making her run to you, or stop running away,” sooyoung had ordered, gaze leveling her and lips trembling as she tried to hide the concern and hurt and love deep within her eyes.

because sooyoung is blunt, and sooyoung knows when it’s time to stop. sooyoung hurts for the both of them, because sooyoung knows what loneliness is, but sooyoung doesn’t let them just do whatever they want, sooyoung doesn’t shy away from the problems. sooyoung knows it’s time to stop.

“what?”

she jerks awake at the sudden sound, grabs her phone and presses it to her ear, wishes it’s loud enough over the beating of her heart, exclaims a "wan" immediately.

"what?"

she doesn’t want to do this. she doesn’t want to hurt seungwan anymore.

but she still chokes out, “i need you,” with stinging in her eyes.

because she does need seungwan. she’ll always need seungwan.

and she can only hold on to seungwan’s promise of staying friends, because seungwan as a friend has such a hard time saying no.

she faintly hears seungwan draw in a sharp breath, so sharp it pierces through her heart, filling it with glass shards in every space seungwan isn’t. seungwan can’t be in.

“you’re lonely?”

she is. so lonely.

“aren’t you, too?”

but she needs to know if seungwan is, too. she needs to know if seungwan is lonely for her the same way she is lonely for seungwan.

not just because seungwan as a friend can’t say no.

“yes.”

her heart jumps, rejoices. but seungwan is always lonely, brought by the break up that ended their five year relationship. she was bound to be lonely.

joohyun doesn’t ask if seungwan’s lonely the same way she is, terrified of the answer. she just wants to make seungwan less lonely, to make herself less lonely.

she sighs, shaky and raw. needing. “so you’ll come?”

she waits as seungwan takes her time. seungwan takes her time a lot these days.

joohyun’s scared one day she’ll stop answering.

“where are you?”

she hurriedly tells her the address of the diner, tries not to stutter in fear of seungwan getting lost.

she’ll hate herself in the morning. she'll look at seungwan, always slumbering so peacefully, and she'll hear sooyoung’s voice, “stop making her run to you, or stop running away.”

and she’ll run away. because joohyun is a coward, scared of not having a part of seungwan at all. so she takes full use of seungwan’s inability to say no to her friends.

of seungwan as a friend.

because seungwan as a friend only knows ‘yes’, and joohyun’s scared of the time she’ll say no.