It was summer during the first time we met. With the cold stare I had, I just walked through the class, straight to the empty seat, bored my eyes into the back of a boy sitting in front of me. He did catch me off guard a little bit as he turned around to face me, flashing his best smile, probably the most genuine smile I had ever seen, but somehow I still managed to keep my straight face on.

“Hi, I’m Kim Jiwon.”

I just nodded, acknowledging his existence. But he still won’t turn to the front; his eyebrows were raised, expecting answer from me. I never managed to reply him, as the teacher already calling his name, asking him to focus and not to flirt around, which only gained laughter from the entire classroom.

Days in school passed; I barely made some new friends, but not with Jiwon. He always stuck with his small circle of guy friends, throwing fake punches and playing arm wrestling at the back of the class. Until one day, as I strolled through the bookshelves in the small library we had in our school, I heard some sniffing sounds.

It was Jiwon. I could still recognize him although he had curled himself into a tiny ball, his head was low to the ground, until all I could see was the crown of his head as he sat himself on the floor, his back was leaning to the wall, at the corner of the library. Probably he thought no one would find him there since it was kind off secluded. Well, no one really wanted to explore the entire library, except for both of us, I guessed.

Without any words, I just sat myself beside him, in that cramped space. I still managed to keep a safe distance between both of us, God knew how. Maybe it was my breathing or sounds I made as I settled myself beside him; he looked up, fixating his eyes right on mine.

“It’s Hayi.”

He blinked for a few times before he finally understood what I was trying to say, a playful smirk was placed on his face, trying to act cheery and playful, but his pensive eyes betrayed him. He coughed a little bit, “Weak connection huh? What a late reply.”

“That’s just how I am.” I smiled.

It was that day where we started to become friends, what we declared ourselves as, and we were in the first year of junior high.

----

“Please Hayi. For me. Please!”

I sighed, placing my hand on my forehead, wiping the imaginary sweat that formed on my forehead. I gave him a slight glare; he was making his puppy like face – more to bunny like instead- as he crossed his fingers together.

“Oh come on Jiwon! You asked for my help also like three months ago.” I rolled my eyes, trying to bring back my focus to the novel I was reading.

“Yeah that’s true but three months ago is last year. And this time, it was for this year.” He reached out his hand and took the novel I’d been holding from my hands, forcing me to only focus to him.

I groaned loudly, feeling annoyed. “Payment, this time?”

“Ice cream, after school. I promise.” He grinned, knowing that I finally gave in. His eyes were twinkling, as if I had given him the best gift he could ever had in his life. Seeing that, I realized that I had made the best decision in agreeing to help him, maybe I would regret if I agreed to otherwise.

“Fine. But this time, its gotta be real. No more breaking girl’s heart. Understand?”

He suddenly stood up from his chair, arms thrown all over my body, “Thank you! I love you the most, Hayi!”

“Ew stop it.” I pushed him a little bit too harsh but he only laughed loudly to even care about it.

“Let’s make a promise, if we can’t find a partner until we’re 30, we will marry each other.” He spoke which only gain a kick on his calf from me, as he laughed again.

I thought that his eyes were shining the brightest at the moment, along with the fluttering heart of mine, and also some stupid jokes he made. That was always how Jiwon was. He always acted all confident in front of everyone, but in front of girls, he always shy. I didn’t know how he could introduce himself confidently to me in our first year, when he barely could ask for any girl’s number that he liked, which was why he always going to need my help. Jiwon was always charming to begin with, all he had to do was the first step, and the girls would already be all head over heels over him. Jiwon made it hard for people to not fall in love with him. Either it was by the way he talked, or by the way he joked around, or by the way he turned all embarrassed like a shy little girl, I was not sure. It was just how Jiwon was.

And we were in third year of junior high at that moment, where we declared ourselves as best friend.

                                                            --------

“Hey Hayi!” It was a sudden loud call coming out from a guy that I couldn’t recognize his voice, which made me stop abruptly in my usual journey to the school’s office every morning. I refused to turn to my left, knowing that it was some kind of joke pulled off by a group of immature boys from the football team again. I decided to just walked again, before one of the boys started whistling loudly, until I felt something was thrown right onto my chest.

I tensed.

As I glared at the group of boys, there were many of them, 7-8 I couldn’t remember. But I swore I could still remember how one of the boys was his lips, imitating some kind of expression, which made me turn away with disgust.

Although I may be very quiet with person I was not used with, never in my life I was afraid to stand up for myself. I always managed to find myself fighting for the thing that I thought I deserved for, never did I was afraid to voice out my own opinion, especially when I was in anger.

But the humiliation was too much.

Imagine a group of boys which, you barely recognized and knew their name, been talking ually about your body behind your back. Talking about the perfect curve of your body, imagining things by staring at your body, as if they were undressing you with their eyes. It was something against your will.  Imagine yourself need to go through it every single day.

It changed me a lot. I would always feel insecure if I walked alone. Talking to friends and teachers were not helping, all they said, “Well. At least you are popular now!” or something like “try to not be too revealing, do not walk confidently, or else they will tease you more,” or something even worse like “You know how boys joke around, try befriend with them.”

All I did after that was running away. I left the scene with tears in my eyes, I heard some voices like “You made her cry!” and even some laughter from the boys. As I left, my eyes landed on Jiwon’s. He was there, He was there witnessing the whole thing, his face looked concerned as he saw my tears, but he did nothing. He only stood there, neither running towards me to provide me the comforts that I needed, nor did he confronted the group of boys. He knew about this beforehand. He was the first one who knew about it, and told me to be careful, but his reaction towards it was also the same like others, all he said,

“Don’t walk alone after this, don’t wear clothes that will show your body curve. Avoid them if you can. You know, naughty boys, we cannot stop them.”

All I need at the moment was only someone that could tell me that nothing that happened right now was my fault. It was all their faults for talking ually over me, not my own fault. But, yet, even Jiwon won’t give me such comforting words that I needed the most at the moment.

“Hayi?”

I looked up, found myself staring at a boy with a pair of bright eyes. I looked around myself, the classroom was empty; both of us were the only occupants.

“Everyone went to the chemistry lab.” He said, before he continued, “I haven’t left as I waited for you to bring the attendance list, our class teacher asked for it earlier, the office called her, stated that our class haven’t submitted the attendance yet to them. I thought today was your turn?”

“Oh right,” I said, as I quickly wiped some streaks of tears from my cheeks, silently hoping that he would just let it go, not questioning anything because I knew, his reaction will also be the same, just like others. Well, I didn’t really know him, we barely talked to each other as he ended up became the class captain and I was the assistant.

“It’s okay. I’ll do it today. Just give me the list.” He said again as I passed the paper to his hand. He then started to talk again, this time, his voice was so soft, “I knew about it Hayi, I was there just now. Looking for you. Listen, nothing that happened just now was your fault. It was theirs for being sickos and what they did just now was blatantly rude. They were the one who supposed to be ashamed of themselves, not you. You did nothing wrong, so next time, fight for it, okay?”

 Only after he finished his words, I realized that I had been holding my breath.

“But, I’m afraid.” I managed to say, which came out almost like a whisper.

“It’s okay, we will go through this together.” A genuine smile appeared on his face. His smile was different from Jiwon’s. Jiwon’s smiles were always so bright, which sometimes light out some sparks in my heart. But this time, his was different. His was not as bright as Jiwon’s, but it was comforting, just like the soft wind that caressed my cheeks, just like the flowers that started to bloom in my heart.

I let out a smile too, reflecting his, “Thank you, Hanbin.”

Ever since that day, I was never afraid anymore. Maybe because at the exact same day the incident happened, the group of boys came to seek for my apology which I had never expected for it to happened, or maybe because of the words of comfort that came from Hanbin, which brought confidence to me. Of course, they never stop; the disgusting stares from the boys never did stop, but I learn to fight against it, with the help of Hanbin.

Jiwon?

We didn’t talked to each other after that. I didn’t know what was the cause of the distance that grew between us. And I didn’t sure who was avoiding who, either it was me avoiding him or otherwise.

And that was when we were in first year of high school, we became to something that we couldn’t even declare it ourselves, either we were still best friends, or just friends, or just a stranger.

                                                                            ----

I was a little bit slow when I was in school, Hanbin was always the brilliant one. Thanks to him, I slowly gained interest in learning, as we both were quite competitive. I found it embarrassing to have my name listed below his name in the achievement lists. I always wanted to be at least, at the same par as him, I knew it was impossible to be better than him in grades.

We always found ourselves talking through the phone, either by text or phone calls, to discuss about the homework that we had to complete. Day by day, lame jokes and snarky comments were always be included in those daily serious conversation. And finally, it was the big day, the examination day for college entrance was finally here. I was so pumped up, and nervous at the same time. Hanbin was even worse, he was always nervous.

I remembered laughing over Hanbin’s whining because of his shaky hands and nagging me for not having enough pens, and spotted Jiwon standing few steps away from us. His face was relaxed; his hair was neatly combed, which was a big surprise as Jiwon was never neat in the first place. He was always carefree and relaxed, even if he was in anger, or frustrated, or nervous, he never showed it. He would always cover it up with his bunny-tooth grin.

I was not sure either it was my imagination or what, but it was in my dell of memories that Jiwon mouthed a “good luck”, displaying his genuine smile, just this time, it didn’t bring the nostalgic sparks I used to feel in my heart, maybe because the smile never reached his eyes. Before I could manage reply to him, he had walked away, and all I could remember after that was Hanbin whining again.

And that was our final year of high school, at least I could say we were acquaintances, as he did mouthed a simple “good luck” to me.

---

“There’s too many cars, just wait there, I’m walking to the spot we parked just now”

“Okay, Hanbin. Its okay, take your time.”

I ended the phone call, smiling to myself hearing Hanbin’s nervous voice just now. Gosh, that boy, always feel nervous for everything.

I walked into the auditorium hall, the huge stage was vacant and so did the 400 seats in the room. Only half an hour ago the hall was filled with so many people, hugging and congratulating each other, some were crying, reminiscing that they may not be able to meet each other everyday, as how they used to. Now, it was empty.

“Excuse me, miss? We’re locking the doors.”

I turned around quickly, recognizing from whom the deep and husky voice came from. As I turned, my eyes landed perfectly on him. I felt my heart sank a little but I tried to keep my face calm. Jiwon was standing there in front of me, he was a little bit different than usual today, no more oversized hoodie and lowered baggy pants. His hair was neatly parted, his navy blue blouse –still oversized- was tight in loosely into his black skinny pants. But still, the smile, was the exact same smile he offered just like when we were in first grade of junior high.

“Jiwon.” I breathed out.

“Yeah, it’s me, the hottest guy in school.” He simply showed his boyish smirk, which I only replied with a roll of my eyes.

“You, silly.” I let out a light chuckle as I walked towards him, my heart thumping a little bit too quickly as I approached him nearer. “How are you?”

“Guess we’re running out things to say,” he said, “I’m fine. Just decided to finally catch up with my old friend after running away from her for God knows how long.” He placed his hand on the back of his neck, his expression was genuinely awkward, but he was trying his best not to do so.

“I’m fine too, Jiwon. And very happy to see you and actually talk to you today.”

There was a long pause, before both of us at the same time drew in a deep breath and muttered “sorry” towards each other. He blinked for a few times before both of us laughed.

“God. How I missed you.” He said, on his face planted a sad smile. “I’m sorry Hayi. I’m sorry for not being there for you, at your worst moment. I’m sorry for running away, not helping you to settle out the problem. I’m such a coward, Hayi. Always been.” He let out a deep sigh before he continued, “I let another guy to take care of you. You know what, it hurts my pride and ego, when I saw him approach you first, but not me. And I’m so stupid for thinking about my ego before your feelings. I’m genuinely sorry for not being able to understand you, comforting you with words that you needed the most at that time. I’m sorry, for being such a coward.”

I smiled, this time it was out of relieved.

“Jiwon. It was not your fault. And never is your fault. Let’s just forget about it anyway, it’s all in the past.”

“But, I should have taken care of you.”

There was another long pause, the silent of the auditorium hall welcomed me again. It was after a few seconds, I let out a bit forced laugh, “Let’s just wish for each other’s happiness after this, shall we?”

He nodded.

Suddenly my phone rang repeatedly and it was Hanbin, probably wanted to tell you that he was waiting at the front gate. I answered the call and just quickly said something like “I’ll be there in five minutes” and ended the call.

“Before you go, can I at least get a congratulatory hugs and perhaps also and apology hugs?” Jiwon said, reaching out his arms, acting as if he was some kind of a main character of a cliché romantic movie.

“Choose only one hug, don’t be too greedy,” I laughed a bit and leaned into his chest, the hug was comforting, as if I was hugging my old childhood teddy bear that went missing and finally was found again. He smelled like a mix of chocolate and flame, maybe it was his perfume, or it was just his scent.

He sighed into the hug, “We would never can make it work out, didn’t we?”

If it was asked two years ago, maybe it would caught me off guard. Surprisingly, I could smile after hearing his question. “You mean, us? You and me?”

“Yeah, we would make the hottest couple of the school. I mean, you got me, captain of basketball team as your boyfriend. But of course, you need to be at least be a cheerleader squad or something.” He chortled at his own joke.

“Yeah sure sure, and I’ll be those y girlfriend shaking my fat in front of everyone when we watched your basketball games.” I replied, finally releasing myself from the hug as I felt he slowly pulled away.

He laughed a little bit, “True.” He gazed into my eyes, “Unfortunately, you cannot choose who you want to be in love with. Only if love is that easy, then there will be no heartbreaks sweetheart. And also, timing is also important in love.”

I chuckled lightly, “True, timing is the number one rule of love.”

And just like that we bid farewell towards each other, promised to keep on contacting each other, and especially on birthdays. Just like that, I finally let him go, I didn’t realize that even after spending my days without him, I never really let him go, although I had learned to live without him. The pain in my chest when I saw him avoiding me in the school corridors, or maybe when I saw him smiling with other girls as he walked out of the school gate, or maybe when I watched his basketball games silently with Hanbin, had all vanished. It was all replaced with good memories. I did not realize when and how, that boyish genuine smile that reached his eyes did not light up sparks in my heart any longer. It was somehow replaced by blooming Hanbin’s soft and warm smile.

And that was our graduation day of high school, we ended up as a friend again. My youth days were filled with the memories of being with and without Kim Jiwon.