Byulyi’s first love was in high school. She was an older girl, kind. When Byulyi stuttered to talk to her she would be patient and smile and Byulyi really, really liked that, liked being taken care of. When she ran into the arms of her boyfriend at graduation, Byulyi bit down the bitterness and managed to smile. She should have known better.

For every little infatuation after that, Byulyi had no expectations. Some she got close to, some she admired from afar, but always, when they turned to embrace the arms of a man, Byulyi only felt a somber resignation.

-

The first time Byulyi dreams of Yongsun, they are dancing to no music, on a floating bridge, and when she leans down to kiss her, the older girl smiles at her demurely. The kiss is light and soft. Even in her dreams the feeling is intoxicating.

She wakes up that morning and chalks it up to the years of frustrating, one-sided crushes. The girl was Yongsun they had dinner together, that was all. But the dream doesn’t disappear after she fully wakes up. Yongsun’s soft gaze and inviting lips take residence in the forefront of her thoughts and when Yongsun waves her hand in front of Byulyi’s face later in the office, Byulyi has to physically shake her head to snap out of it.

-

Yongsun is exactly the kind of girl she likes. Byulyi doesn’t want to say she has a “type” in particular, but it seems like a consistent thing that she likes older women who take care of her well.

But she’s not 16 anymore. She’s not going around pining after every girl that will smile at her and give her the time of day. It feels different with Yongsun though, maybe due to proximity. Byulyi gives into her bad habits and let’s herself fall a little bit. Revels in how nice it feels to shower a girl in adoration, even if they left her feeling like a fool in the end.

Byulyi was always better at loving than being loved.

-

The second time Byulyi dreams about Yongsun, she’s at a weird carnival that somehow completely fits in the lobby of their apartment complex. Yongsun appears next to her suddenly and asks if she’s ready for their date. She agrees with a silly smile as the world around her floats and melts and then they’re standing in front of a dart game.

“Win something for me, or I’m breaking up with you.”

“Will you really?”

“No, not really. I’d never leave you, Moon Byulyi.”

The world melts away then and she’s left with the feeling of Yongsun wrapped around her arm. Byulyi opens her eyes slowly, pondering the dream, how surreal the faded dappled lights were and how warm it made her feel to have been there with Yongsun, even if it wasn’t really her. Byulyi in her dazed state swears she can still feel the light pressure of those hands, but then she looks down and sees the corner of her blanket wrapped around her arm.

This dream sticks itself in her mind too, right beside the kiss.

-

Byulyi has them almost every night. She’s scared it might affect her during the day, make her awkward around Yongsun, but the moment she’s in her presence the discomfort is washed away. Any weird thoughts she’s had, beyond the normal crush ones, shy away because the real Yongsun, flesh and blood and not pulled from Byulyi’s imagination, is miles better. Byulyi enjoys it, enjoys Yongsun smiling at her and laughing with her and touching her arm for real.

-

The last dream Byulyi has before everything becomes too real, she’s hovering over Yongsun, who’s caged in her embrace. The older girl has the same knowing smile she has in all the dreams. The world around them is washed in a blue light, but nothing really exists except for Yongsun, herself, the crumpled sheets beneath them.

Byulyi leans down and places a kiss at the corner of Yongsun’s lips. She feels them curl sweetly before she starts to trail more kisses down her jaw and ends it at the crook of her neck, her favorite place. She rests her head there and just takes in the feeling, the intimacy she’s never had the privilege of allowing herself in the waking world.

She slides a hand down to the hem of Yongsun’s shirt, peels it back just enough for her to smoothly slide her hand underneath and all of the sudden she feels a thudding in her ears. Byulyi’s thumb rubs circles around the point of Yongsun’s hip, feels the dip of it that leads her lower. She feels Yongsun’s fingers scrape her scalp and run through to the tips of her hair.

The thudding becomes loud enough that she feels it waking her up, but she wants to stay here. Stay in this embrace where she can just touch Yongsun forever and there’s no one, nothing in the world except for the two of them and Yongsun’s mysterious dream-smile and so she makes futile grasps at the wisps of her eden, but like a pulse fading the dream is gone. Byulyi only sees the darkness of her closed eyelids.

Her breathing is normal, she’s comfortable laying on her side and one leg is swung out from underneath the comforter, but her heart’s going a million miles a minute. The only thing faster are the thoughts racing through her head.

-

“I’ve been having dreams about her. Not like… dirty ones.” Probably, she thinks. The last one wasn’t really dirty it was just…exciting. “Just, I’ll take her out on a weird dream date, or I’ll ask her out and she’ll say yes, or I’ll kiss her and she’ll smile at me. Just stuff like that. I have a lot of those dreams.”

Byulyi stops pulling at her bangs for a moment. “Is it because I’ve pent up too much gay? Maybe I should have taken your offer.” Byulyi groans. “It’s not because it’s her, is it?”

Her concerns are answered with a loud straw sip. Heeyeon’s looks somehow super interested and totally not interested at the same time. “Sounds to me like you’ve got it bad.”

“But I’ve like girls before. I was in love with one once! Whatever this is doesn’t feel nearly as…” Byulyi struggles to find the word, “…hopeless.” She finishes a little pathetically. “Like, I don’t feel imminent doom about this I just feel happy, and kind of handsy honestly.”

Another long straw pull.

Byulyi grimaces. “If you’re finished with your drink I can buy you another one, just stop making that sound, please.”

Heeyeon lights up at that. “Byul-ah you’re the best! Can you get me a strawberry refresher?”

Byulyi rolls her eyes but gets up to order another set of drinks. When she gets back Heeyeon thanks her for the treat, then leans forward looking like she’s got all the answers.

“You want her.”

Byulyi looks at her blankly.

“Want her to…?”

Heeyeon gives her a look. “I don’t know, that’s for your imagination to decide.”

The feeling of her hand traveling across smooth skin shoots to the front of Byulyi’s mind and she mentally waves it away.

“Your heart’s doing its usual thing. Running after cute smiles or whatever. This time, your body wants a piece of that action too, get it?” Byulyi’s expression says she doesn’t and Heeyeon wonders if anyone’s called her MoonDense before. Or MoonDumb.

“Just because I dream about her?”

Heeyeon groans. “Byul get it together! The dreams are just the icing on the cake.” She pulls out her phone. “Look at this.”

And she starts scrolling through dozens of thumbnails of pictures and videos of her and Yongsun. Her and Yongsun touching on stage, her and Yongsun touching at a fanmeeting, her and Yongsun touching at an airport, her and Yongsun touching backstage. Every moment, her and Yongsun. Every moment, her hands are all over.

“Did you save all these?” She eyes Heeyeon warily.

“No MoonDumb, it’s Instagram.”

Byulyi decides not to comment on the new nickname. “I’m just like that though.” She tries to defend herself.

“Oh, sure. I’m Moon Byulyi. I’m touchin’ on Heeyon’s back, I’m staring at Hyejin’s ’s, I’m kissing Wheein’s cheeks. I’m back-hugging Seulgi,” Heeyeon scrunches her nose muscles. “The moment Yongsun-unnie walks into the room all the rest of us turn into the peanut gallery.” Heeyeon shoots Byulyi a look but her eyes soften when she sees how the other girl looks a little defeated.

“You’ve told me about all your crushes before Byul. You liked all those girls and maybe you loved some of them but you never wanted them. Not with all of you, like this.”

Byulyi opens to argue but Heeyeon cuts her off. “If you wanted them you wouldn’t have just sat on your hands and watched them leave.”

Byulyi knows she doesn’t mean it, but it feels like Heeyeon’s mocking all of the very genuine feelings and heartbreaks she’s endured. But she also finds that she can’t deny what the other girl has said. She thinks of her first love and how she kissed her boyfriend in front of her face and remembers feeling nothing but self-pity. She thinks of the one time Yongsun told her about her ex-boyfriend and she only remembers being consumed with envy.

She sighs. “I didn’t know I was supposed to want them.”

Heeyeon holds her hand. “It’s not something you know, it’s something you feel, dummy.”

There’s a beat of silence as she let’s Byulyi think before she draws her hand away and shoots her a cheeky grin. “Now that you’ve had your ual awakening, you wanna come home with me?”

Byulyi chokes on her spit. Heeyeon lets her cough it out.

“You have great timing you know.” Byulyi chuckles nervously and drinks her coffee and doesn’t look Heeyeon in the eye. “I said I would think about it.”

“Yeah, and then you actually went and thought about if for like, over a year. I know I said my offer’s still up, because you’re hot, but you really know how to keep a girl waiting, Byul.” Heeyeon leans back in her seat. “Honestly, I really was beginning to think maybe you just weren’t into at all, or something.”

Byulyi fiddles with her straw. “I’m just waiting for the right person.”

Her friend shrugs. “Maybe you found her.”

Byulyi closes her eyes and takes a sip of her drink and wishes it was alcohol.