The sound of his coughs echoed within the concealed, shared bathroom. His hand slammed against the counter as his breathing grew ragged, distorted petioles dropping out of his mouth, one by one until it fell onto the ground, along with the rest. The pile grew, forming into scattered painful arrays of broken flowers and petals that didn't grow from the ground, but from him; deep within his lungs, growing from the bronchioles, and taking comfort in both his right and left lung, from the top to bottom, causing his chest to heave with ache and a personal reminder. Joshua's eyes blurred with tears, his waterline increasingly turning red as they threatened to peek over, cascading down his already damp cheeks. His other hand covered his mouth; pink, thin plush lips covered by his palm, only to be pushed away as a few more leaflets fell from his aching mouth, his aching jaw. The rough, yet lingering soft texture fell from his lips, dropping down onto the ground due to the soft wisp of air, gracefully landing on the tile flooring. A whimper; soft and quiet as he fell down to his knees, the petals that covered the tiled flooring taunted him; made his tears slip from his feline-like eyes, causing him to shut his eyes tightly until it hurt, until colored blotches appeared, signalling for him to open them. A choked sob was heard instead, muffled, before his hand fell back down to his lap, dejected, staring at the bittersweet pink petals. The ache that previously pulsed was no longer to be found, as if it weren't there in the first place. His shaky hands grabbed the corolla on the floor, examining the pastel pink color it spewed. Clutching the petal tightly in his hand, his body bent forward, foreheard pressed against the petals against the floor, letting out a wail as his body trembled in fear, in pain. Tears quickly soaked the floor underneath him, mouth parted in broken cries he couldn't quite contain anymore. Instead, he tore at the petal, shredding it in a million pieces until it became distorted, as if it didn't exist in the first place. I'm so sorry, Jeonghan.

/

Joshua smiled weakly, his fingers running up and down his thighs in an antsy manner, blunt nails digging gently into the denim fabric, scratching on it gently and releasing his jeans from the torment. He stared at his reflection, his weak smile remaining evident even as his hair and makeup stylist continued to do quick work on him; seemingly, he slept in a little too late this morning and barely had time to get ready, before being shoved into the car by Seungcheol, who scolded him playfully, but Joshua couldn't help but apologize sincerely, causing the leader to rub at his neck sheepishly and apologize as well. His swollen eyes remained prominent, sullen cheeks, eyebags that grew darker over the days. It didn't seem suitable on him, and everyone's noticed it, but didn't bother to point it out. As the makeup brush was felt on his face, he flinched away, hazy, glassy eyes shifting towards the little movement of the brush in the mirror before letting his gaze travel to examine his surroundings. Mingyu and Wonwoo were conversing in the corner of the room, Woozi was getting his makeup down as he scribbled something in his journal, Hoshi and Dino were on the complete opposite side of the room, practicing, but remaining careful of others and the makeup that were scattered about the dressing room. The rest, he couldn't quite see or they went to explore the stage and auditorum as a whole. Just faintly, in the back, he could see someone he dreaded. Jeonghan. Their gazes locked, and it remained that way until the elder smiled at Joshua, eyes forming into soft crescents that beamed with absolute happiness; Joshua's favorite look on him. He could feel his heart flutter, papilating against his chest just at the sight of him. He smiled back, shyly, before feeling the itch in the back of his throat, causing him to lurch forward, his makeup artist quick to ask what's wrong. His eyes were blown up wide, trembling with fear, his hand covering his mouth as his lungs contracted painfully, causing him to close his eyes tightly once more. 

Conversations halted, by then, everyone's gaze was on him. Returning members appeared to see what was wrong, and then s crowded him immediatley. Despite their frantic questions and panicked voices, Joshua couldn't respond. He didn't have the heart or will to. The latter leveled out his breathing. Breathe in, breathe out. Joshua chanted that like a mantra inside his head as his chest heaved, tears welling up in his eyes again from frustration and pain from the aching cough he wanted to let out. A hand was felt on his shoulder; warm and comforting, something he feared as he jerked away from Jeonghan's innocent touch, eyes wide. "Shua, it's just me," he tentatively mumbled, alarmed. 

Seungcheol was now in his view, pushing Jeonghan behind him for a moment, "Are you okay?" he asked, worry lacing his tone. 

"I'm sorry," Joshua breathed out, "I'm okay, I just.. choked on my spit," he lied lowly, offering a reassuring smile.

"Josh, you had us worried," Vernon grumbled his hand coming up to playfully hit his back, causing the elder to wince, but his smile just grew.

"Sorry again, guys," he then turned to his hair and makeup stylist, "You can continue."

Once he was finished, he took the opportunity to leave the premises, without another word. His footsteps padded against the flooring of the stage, trailing across and up the stairs of the pathway paved between the seats. Pushing the door open and leaving the area, his footsteps begrudingly trudging against the flooring. That was until he could feel the familiar itch in his throat as his lungs contracted, a blossoming feeling filling his lungs, scratching and brushing against his bronchioles. The stemming feeling, the blossoming feel that ached and tugged at him as he rushed to the bathroom. The door slammed roughly against the wall, the sound resonating loudly before slamming shut behind him just as quickly. He collapsed onto the floor, his knees scuffling against the tile flooring as he coughed.

Coughed and coughed again.

The petals slipped out from his mouth, gagging on the petals that forced its way out of his slacked jaw. They dropped onto the ground one after another until he convulsed, forcing his coughs to stop. He panted, his chest crying out in pain before he sighed shakily. His eyes fluttered shut, letting himself bathe into the silence, ignoring his spit slicked lips that turned into a ruby red. His head turning into a quiet hum, nothing invading his thoughts, aside from the creaking of the stall. HIs eyes opened quickly, standing up immediately as his legs wobbled. Joshua opened each stall, until he met someone's gaze. It was like time froze as they stared at each other. Fear was embedded in Joshua's expression as Jun gazed at him; worried, curious, and terrified. 

"Joshua.." he trailed off slowly.

"Did you.." Joshua stopped before continuing, "Were you here the whole time?"

Jun hesitated before nodding, staring at him intently, Joshua unable to withstanding his questioning gaze. His mind went haywire, gaze drifting back over to the pile that grew with petals, as they clung onto his stage attire and in his hands. Jun reached over, tugging it off his blazer and whispering, "Joshua.. How long has this been going on?" he asked softly, hand dropping the petal down, "We've gotta tell the others, the company, we have t-"

"No!" Joshua quickly protested, begging, his eyes wide and pleading. His nimble fingers grasped onto Jun's shirt, clutching the fabric tightly in between his hands. "Please.. don't.."

"Why?" he objected, "Josh, it's treatable, you should get it before it's too late. Before you.." he trailed off, his voice hush, "You can die, Josh. If this continues, you can.. None of us want to go through that. If you're.. If you're scared of the treatment, it's saf-"

"I'm not scared of the treatment."

"Then, why won't you get it?"

"Because.." Joshua let his gaze drift down, his grip tightening as he trembled, "I'm scared of losing my feelings for him."

/

Weeks passed and Joshua continued to let his tight lipped smile surface on his face every time his behavior didn't quite match what the other members were used to. He, himself, wasn't sure who he was. All he knew was his chest ached with unwanted feelings, his mouth was dry, and his jaw that was slacked continued to ache, along with his convulsing body. In the dance studio, Joshua could feel his mind grow hazy, eyes filled with black blotches, and his breathing was cut off so suddenly he had to excuse himself. He didn't feel the upcoming itchy pain he would feel every time he was ready to throw up his emotions, whether it was his tears or the damn flowers. It was more like, he was lamenting. Mourning, even. He cracked open the window, letting in the cold air that quickly replaced the muggy, warm air from their daily practice. The cold nipped at his face, causing chills to course through his body, but he welcomed it wholeheartedly. His throat itched, his eyes watered, and he inhaled deeply, calming his senses. With his hands pressed against the window sill, he leaned out, peeking his head into the real world he's been craving to see, instead of corollas or his sullen expressions. 

Hearing footsteps trail off behind him, along with shoes that squeaked against the wooden floor, he felt a presence near him. He turned his head and saw Jeonghan. The elder offered him a hesitant smile, while he forced one of his own. It was silent between them, tense even, aside from the loud voices from Seungkwan, DK, and Hoshi who served as entertainment to the tired members that sat or laid down on the ground. Aside from that, these two were in their own world, and Joshua grew fearful. His blunt nails thrummed against the window sill, gnawing down on his bottom lip, letting his teeth roll the flesh back and letting it go before his canines could pierce into it unconsciously.

"Shua?"

".. Yeah?" he choked out, before clearing his voice, watching as Jeonghan gazed out the window longingly.

"How are you?"

"I'm doing good."

"Are you sure?" Jeonghan pressed on, sneaking a glance from him and then back out, letting his eyes flutter shut.

No, I'm not. Not at all. "Positive," Joshua lied through his teeth, to his best friend, who he's completely infatuated with. 

Silence fell over them again, the tension easing, but still remained there. He could feel the other's shoulder brush against his, causing his gaze to linger on him, even if he didn't quite meet it. It was still quiet, both of them unable to bring forward what they want to say. That was until Joshua barely grasped onto his words, "Do you not like me anymore?"

"No, it's..." he answered quickly, looking at him alarmed, his body moving to face him properly, gazing into somnolent, dejected hues. "I.. I love you so much, Jeonghan." Truly. "You're my best friend."

"Really?" he watched as the smile appeared on the elder's face; bright and soft, directed only to him, only for him that he couldn't help but mimic his own, eyes forming into soft crescents. 

"Yes, really, you idiot."

"I'm not an idiot!" Jeonghan gasped, hand placed mockingly over his chest in offense and then flicked Joshua's forehead, "I'll scold you later, after practice," he hummed, determined, nodding to himself as Hoshi called them back for practice.

A dopey smile was etched onto Joshua's lips, head tilt, "I'd love to see you try, Yoon Jeonghan."

Jeonghan shot him a look, head cocked to the side as he walked backward, "You're on, Hong Jisoo." 

You don't even realize.

/

"You're in love with Jeonghan."

Joshua could feel his heart still at those five words, how his lungs seemed to cease inflating and remained deflated, his airway cut off causing him to choke up. His body visibily tensed under Jun's scrutinizing stare as he walked closer to him. The guitar in his lap that always felt light, that always carried his freedom seemed heavy, weighing him down, restricting every movement. His hands trembled against the strings, even as he tried to halt it. He wavered before forcing out a bitter chuckle.

"Me? In love with Jeonghan? I'd be an idiot if I was in love with my own bandmate, Jun. Our status is on the line, I wouldn't do anything to ruin him, us, the whole band." he snapped, his grip tightening on the arm of the guitar.

"Don't even lie to me," Jun paused, looking at him seriously, "If you think I just let that disease go over my head, then think again. I've been paying attention and seemingly, every time Jeonghan pops up, you find a way to leave or you just end up staring at him. The petals.. they appear after you interact with him, even if you think you slide away quietly, I see it."

"Drop it." Joshua seethed, shoving his guitar off his lap, letting it plop down besides him, on the bed.

"I won't drop something that's going to kill someone I care about, that everyone cares about." Jun inhaled sharply and then bit down on his bottom lip harshly, glaring at him, "This isn't the time to be stubborn." he sighed after, shoulders sagging, "I.. support your feelings and choices all the way, I haven't even told a soul. But this.. this is life threatening, Josh. I don't know what to do. It makes me conflicted and absolutely infuriated with myself that I can't help you. All I can hope is you get treatment, but... you don't want to lose your feelings for Jeonghan. But I can't.. stand around