Wonshik is wearing a pair of white sneakers. He bought them a couple of days ago, had been looking forward to get them from the new collection for months and now the right one is soaked in sticky, brown coffee. He could probably save his shoe if he wiped the coffee off immediately, but his body feels like it’s made from rusty metal. It won’t move.

Jaehwan's shoulder is bumping against him with every shudder as he cries. He should hug him, pull him close and soothe his pain by just being there, but Wonshik isn’t really there. His mind has been in a room full of monitors and cables and tubes and under them, a lifeless body for the last few hours. It’s been doing what his body still can’t: mourning his biggest support in life, keeping vigil while his best friend slept.

Taekwoon should be here. Not because he thinks Taekwoon should be the responsible one now, the solid rock they can lean on, but because Wonshik is seconds away from completely falling apart now that two people are missing from their group. One of them can’t return and Taekwoon… Wonshik just wants all of them to be physically close to him, so that he knows they’re still there. So that he can feel like he can protect them if something happens.

He wasn’t there to protect Hakyeon. The guilt fills his throat like bile, makes him swallow back the urge to vomit.

Wonshik has always liked playing the hero. Some might call him a control freak who wants to keep his loved ones on leashes, never letting them drift away enough for Wonshik to be unable to reach them one way or another, but that isn’t how he feels. He never once forbade those precious to him to live their individual lives and he never voiced how anxious he felt about his friends or family not being in his vicinity when they left the house without him, even though he was always concerned and sometimes even felt sick to his stomach. The pang was there in his chest even when Hakyeon said, “I’ll be right back,” earlier tonight.

Wonshik has failed. No matter how hard he tried to keep everyone safe, they ended up sitting in a hospital, first waiting and now… now they were only trying to come to terms with what happened.

He doesn’t deserve being able to cry.