April 22nd, 2017.

Sooyoung believed in the theory of relativity more than she belived in anything, like a life philosophy.

As she was lying down on her bed — her eyes half open, her heart completely broken — she felt like the time stopped. It felt like the time stopped only for her, for her to feel the pain that was burning her heart and veins for a short eternity. It felt like the time stopped because it wanted to drown Sooyoung in thoughts, she couldn't sleep or think about something else. She counted sheeps, she counted stars, she counted kiwis and she only managed to sleep when she counted the days she spent without her, it had been that long. She still checked the time every five minutes even though she knew she was trapped in her own eternity. She missed Kim Yerim.

She sighed deeply and hid her face with her pillow, that wasn't a great choice either because Yerim's scent was on it. Why didn't it go away? she thought. A long time passed since the last time they slept there together but her scent was still there; as if she was punishing Sooyoung, making Sooyoung miss her more in the middle of every night — like she could miss her more. She wanted to rip off the pillow and throw it away but at the same time, the smell made her feel less lonely. She wanted to get up and get herself another cushion but her body did not cooperate with her, she couldn't move a single inch. She laughed at herself, even her own body wasn't on her side.

The streetlights were the only source of light inside her bedroom, the blankets were covering her only up to her waist and her hands were tangled under the pillow. The room was a complete mess: the suit she wore for MT party was thrown away to the floor and her other suits were on the floor with it, each one welcoming the new one. Her jeans and other clothes weren't different, her hand cream was even in the bed with her — probably sleeping with her since she left, Sooyoung couldn't clearly remember when was the last time she used it. She reached out to the cream and threw it outside the bed. What was the point of being tidy if someone wasn't there to nag her for it? She wasn't there to roll her eyes, to playfully attack her, to whine about how irresponsible she was — for the first time in her life, Sooyoung wanted to hear her nag but she wasn't there. She covered her ears with the pillow, she took another deep breath, the scent was slowly fading now. She tried to close her eyes but she just couldn't, she knew that if she closed them, she would see her.

She would see Yerim's red hair falling on her shoulders gracefully, she looked amazing with every color but Sooyoung always loved that color on her the most just like Yerim loved it on her. She would turn around and smirk at her because she knew Sooyoung would stare at her. Damn, she knew how beautiful and attractive she was and she never hesitated to use her charms on Sooyoung and she fell for every single one of them. She fell for her smile, her brightness, her cheekiness, her sincerity, her enthusiasm, her bossiness, she fell for each and every trait of her and accepted her as she was, she was perfectly perfect for her. When she was with her, the time would flow without being humpered, turning every hour into minutes and every minute to the seconds. Time was too cruel. She should've cherished every single moment they had together and held onto to them. Stupid, stupid, stupid... Stupid Sooyoung, careless Sooyoung, thoughtless Sooyoung, stubborn Sooyoung... She could attach other tags to herself all night but still, it wouldn't change the fact that she broke up with Kim Yerim so it was useless.

She looked up to check the time once again and just like the other times, only five minutes passed. While checking the time, she looked at the date. April 22nd. How long has it been? she asked herself. A month? Two months? Did it matter? She probably found someone else and moved on with her life while Sooyoung was still having trouble sleeping because of her and maybe she was having trouble sleeping too but she didn't want to think of it.

She wanted to shout out her name, kick the blanket and the pillow away but what would she get from doing that? Shouting out her name would probably make her miss her more. She got used to calling her 'her' inside her head, at first it was 'life wrecker' or 'red fox' but now, it was just 'her'. Was it because her anger melted away as time passed? Was it because she was tired of blaming her only and decided to blame herself for a change? Was it because she realized that the names didn't matter at all when the picture of her smiling bump up inside her head? Or was Sooyoung twaddling because she missed her so damn much? Probably the last one.

Instead of twaddling, she decided to list down the things she missed the most about her. About the life wrecker. About the red fox. About Kim Yerim.

She missed her nagging, her bossiness. How she managed to keep her in line, talk her way out and convince Sooyoung, even for the things she thought she could never accept. Yerim had that special power, she could break her thick walls of prejudice. She discovered too many things with her and every one of them became an irreplaceable part of her life, too many that after she left, her life became an empty circle with nothing new and with everything that reminded her of Yerim. She had no where to hide, she was forced to miss her. She felt like the whole universe was laughing at her for letting her go. She was laughing at herself — mocking herself for her stupidity — for letting her go but when the universe was doing it, it wasn't funny at all.

She missed admiring her beauty — mostly her collorbones and her cute nose. She missed her red hair tickling, her lips touching, her breath moistoring her neck. She missed bickering about cuddling on the bed. At first, she would always refuse Yerim's wish of firmly cuddling but end up cuddling with her with the way she wanted. Looking back, Sooyoung would refuse her only to be convinced by her; only to receive soft convincing kisses on her lips, only to see her whine cutely, only to admire her beauty a little longer before sleeping. She drew pictures of her inside her head because she knew there were going to be times when they had to be separated because of their works, not for a break-up. If she knew they would break up in the end — no matter how more painful it would be — she would draw her more, admire her more. However, she didn't know — she didn't even imagine it could happen back then. She felt like there was no tomorrow back then.

She missed her brightness, Yerim always added more happiness and sunshine to her life. She had her way of turning every bad thing to a good one. Yerim had this special talent called optimism and Sooyoung had the opposite talent called pessimism. Whenever Sooyoung was down, she was there to create a scene to make her smile again. Yerim would always come up with the best solutions and answers for the situations and questions — Sooyoung would only stare at her, amazed. She was lucky to have Yerim in her life, she always said this and no matter what happened between them, she could easily say this.

She missed Yerim.

What was she doing? She regretted her decision immediately because now, all the memories rushed to her mind and they made Sooyoung miss her even more. Was that even possible? Considering how her heart was beating inside her chest and keeping her awake, it was possible. And, counting sheep and cursing wasn't helpful.

Sooyoung eventua