I was groggy and a bit confused but strangely calm. I usually woke up in a state of panic with my heart racing almost every morning, and after the dream I had last night, I was surprised I didn't this morning as well. My dream, nightmare really, from last night flitted through my brain. I shuddered just thinking about it. Thank God real life wasn’t like that. People did not text me at just the time I was having a panic attack and they certainly did not show up shortly thereafter at my bathroom door. And thank God for that too because I was embarrassed just thinking about Jongin seeing me a total wreck like that.

I took a deep breath in and out and the faint scent of sandalwood entered my nose. Suddenly, several things registered all at once; I had woken up today already, my hands were gripping onto something that felt like shearling, and there was a male voice coming from outside my bedroom that sounded an awful lot like Jongin’s-- meaning that had not been a dream. Holy . Skratch the calm awakening. I was flooded with embarrassment and shame. How could I have let that happen? What was wrong with me?

I tried to figure out how in the hell to come out of my room. Maybe if I just pretended I was asleep he would leave and then I could block his number, pretend none of this ever happened, and go back to living like a hermit?

“--about 2 hours. Can’t you just come and take a look at her? I’m really-- wait I think she’s awake. I’ll call you back later.” Wait, what?! No, no, no, plan failing! 

There was a soft knock on my bedroom door.

“Sonja?” His voice reverberated softly in the hallway, slightly dampened by the wooden door. 

I didn’t answer. I didn’t know how.

The doorknob turned and I held my breath, fingers clutching onto fabric, eyes darting from side to side, breath hitting the sheet in front of my nose and mouth and bouncing back, warm and humid. I still hadn’t decided how to react as I heard the faint squeak of the door opening and the soft sound of footfalls on my carpeted floor. I still hadn’t thought to close my eyes, pretending to be asleep, or to make some move acknowledging his presence, when slacks clad legs stopped right in front of my eyes. I blinked and a single hot tear ran from the corner of my eye to drop down onto my bed sheet, leaving a tiny circular stain of evidence.

Jongin’s form shifted until he was crouching down at eye level with me.

“Hey.” He breathed.

“Hey.” I croaked back. A slightly sad smile spread across his lips.

“Are you okay?” I didn’t know how to answer so I shrugged my shoulders and shifted my gaze away from his eyes. “Sorry that was a stupid question. I know you’re not. Do you remember what happened?” Yes. No. Kind of. I shrugged again and Jongin responded with a sigh.

“Well, how about you try and drink some water and I’ll talk then. Is that ok?” I thought it over for a moment. I didn’t know what he was going to say and I certainly had no idea what to expect. But I also couldn’t seem to find my words yet so this seemed to be the best option. I gave a nod and a small sniffle in response. “Okay, good.” I shifted from my side and began to sit up as Jongin guided a glass of water from my nightstand into my hands. When I drew my eyes in front of me I realized the fabric that I had been gripping onto had been a black leather and shearling jacket that I can only assume belonged to the tan, statuesque man, now standing again, beside my bed. I lifted it toward him, offering it back, still not making eye contact.

“No, it’s ok, you can keep it. You were shivering earlier.” There was an uncomfortable silence and I felt neither of us really knew what to do.

“Do you mind if I sit?” He motioned towards the bed. I felt awkward having someone in my apartment, let alone on my bed, but I didn't exactly have anywhere else for him to sit in my room. I pulled my knees into a crossed leg position and settled my gaze on the water glass in my hands. He was somehow able to decipher my excellent communication skills and took a seat where my legs had just been.

“Well first off, you don’t have anything to be embarrassed or ashamed about.” Wait, what? “I know you might not… trust me yet, but I promise that you couldn’t say or do anything to make me change the way I feel about you.” If my brain could be depicted in the form of punctuation it would have been one giant rotating question mark right about now. “Do you want to tell me what happened earlier today?” My mouth gaped several times waiting for my brain to send some signals that would compute into some sort of intelligible sentence.

“It was nothing.” I lifted the glass to my lips, letting cool water flush through my parched mouth. The gulp that followed felt unnatural, almost painful, in my throat and impossibly loud.

“Nothing? Sonja, I don’t know about you, but my average day does not involve a panic attack.” Well, mine didn’t usually. “That is what happened, right? You had a panic attack?”

“Yeah…” Synapses were slowly starting to fire again but I wasn’t exactly ready to be forthcoming.

“Hey.” His voice pulled my gaze up from my glass. “If you don’t tell me what’s going on up here--” He tapped his index finger to his temple twice, “It’s going to be pretty difficult for me to try to understand what’s going on or help you.”

I really didn’t know where to start or what to say. I just wanted all of this to go away--. An exasperated sigh interrupted my inner breakdown.

“Sonja, I just-- I was so scared and I felt so helpless. I’m not used to feeling like that. I had no idea what was happening. I thought you were having some kind of allergic reaction or some heart problem or-- I didn’t even really know what a panic attack was-- I still don’t really! And--”

“I’m sorry!” I buried my face into my hands as hot tears started streaming down my face for the I-lost-count-number of times today. I couldn’t believe that I had gotten someone else involved in the mess that was me.

“Sorry? No, Aegi-yah. That’s not what I meant I--”

“I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to. I-I can handle this by myself. Don’t feel like you have to help me.” I sniffled and took sharp breaths between phrases.

“No, I’m sorry. Hey. Please. I’m not doing a great job of communicating here. I’m sorry. C