I

There are different types of love, there are different ways of love, from the most tender and innocent, to the most violent and malicious. I have always believed that love, can't be explained at all with simple words, no, because it's necessary to feel it, to live it, to understand it in a more deeper, complete way.

And if only I had known it, if only I had anticipated it, if I had noticed before, then, something would have changed?

The answer is simple. No

The days I spent with that person, were the happiest of my life, the most intense, the most passionate, and even so, in contradiction the saddest, the most painful, the most hated.
I can still feel his touch on my skin, and his kisses on my mouth, I can still feel my heart beating wildly because of him, so vivid, so intense.

Why?

Because I still love him ...

Because I still loves you and that will never change, not today, not tomorrow. You were the love of my life, my only, and one true love, and I would lie saying that it's not like that anymore, because finally I know that until the last day of my life you will continue to be my love and there is nothing I can do about it.

I would like to believe, that maybe one day I managed to completely keep you under lock in my memory, that maybe I will get ahead of you, that finally I marry someone else and form a family, but I know how unlikely that is, because you are still here, always, very much inside of me. Like bad herbs, like thorns rooted in my heart.

The nights we share so beautiful and so dark in the silence of our room, where we spend hours making love, today are locked with padlock, with all our whispers, breaths and laments, hoping to get lost, drowning in oblivion. And I know that the places that were so ours and that represented key moments in our relationship will remain there intact, along with the dreams and illusions that fed what we were, what we once had.

There are many types of love, some for life, others for simple moments, and although I wish with all my being that ours was of the "happy forever" type, you on the contrary wished that we were something fleeting, something of a night.

It hurt me, it broke my soul to see you there, so magnificent, so beautiful, so ethereal and untouchable for me, because you were mine, because I had you in my hands, and now, you belong to someone else. The tears that came out of my eyes that day were only remnants of what I once was, because from that moment something, no, everything, inside of me broke, I broke into pieces that can't be joined back... But I don't matter, it doesn't matter anymore because that didn't stop you, that will not make you return ever.

I should have known it from the beginning, maybe that wouldn't have changed anything, maybe that wouldn't have stopped making me loving you like that, but that would have prepared me for the end, to see you go.

Why was it so simple for you to leave me behind?

I asked that one and a thousand times, but I was still the same, you were still the same and the answer was never given.

Do you remember the promises you made?
What was really behind all of them?

Because I believed them, even clinging with such need to you, to them, but as everything, as always, they were broken, you broke them and You know what? Even so I don't blame you, I don't hate you for it, I don't resent you for it, even though you poisoned me, you drowned me, you tied my hands and feet to be at your mercy, and for what? Only to leave me behind.

 
Love hurts, love teaches, love kills, the love I feel for you suffocates me.

Trust, always trust your eyes, your kisses, your love and even then I wasn't enough, I was never enough.

There are different ways of love and ours was the most intense of all, the most cruel.

There are many types of love and ours was one of those that kill slowly.

I went to your wedding, congratulate you, congratulate her, embrace her with sincerity, do you know why? Because I love you and you have found someone to love so sweet, so pure, so different from me, so made me love her too, instantly, because it gave you happiness, what I could never give you, not completely. I really wanted to hate her, but I couldn't, because she was not responsible for anything, she never found out, she never understood, so no matter how much it hurt I was never able to resent her.

Love can be unfair, you know? Or maybe it's just my luck ...

—Ri-ha what are you doing here?— Your eyes looked at me with surprise, incredulous that I was there, on the most sacred day of your life and where I had no place.

And I, in response, smiled.

—I just wanted to know, I was just curious, I see that you're fine, in fact you're very well— They were my words —I'm sorry— I finished before leaving, to say goodbye to you even with the words "I love you" hanging from my lips.

It was difficult, I thought about ending my life more than once, too tired to feel, to cry, to have so many knots inside me, all the memories of us together, there were pressing me.

I felt lonely, sad and disappointed, I had no one to lean on, no one.

So I ended up trying it, not wanting to wake up, wanting to finish everything, and I almost got it ... But you came so scared, so terrified and I realized that no, I wasn't able to do this to you. Not because it would hurt you, not because I was once someone important in your life, but because I didn't want you to have remorse, guilt.

In the end, I just assumed, to give an answer to everything, so I assumed that in the end you didn't manage to love me completely and that, I suppose, that wasn't your fault either.
Well that was our kind of love, half-hearted, incomplete.

I met you one night in january and I lost you one afternoon of november.
I fell in love with you one night in january and you broke my heart one afternoon of november.

"Has anyone told you how much you look like a panda?" They were your first words for me.

"Has anyone told you the beautiful smile you have?" And with this you made me fall in love with you.

"Ri-ha promise me that whatever happens, you will always love me, always" I promised, despite the uncertainty of your love, and I complied despite seeing you leave.

"I love you", "I want you" "You are what I have loved the most in my life" So many things, so many sentences, so many lies and half-truths are mixed, all in my head.

There are so many types of love and yet the one that we get, corrodes my veins completely ... But I would not change it, for nothing, for anyone.

—Why?— Your trembling voice asks me now, with tears in your eyes —Why Ri?

—Because I love you— I smiled at you, before you hugged me, before you let your head fall on my chest and began to sob —Because I can only love you— And it was the truth

—You must stop doing it, you must going on and be happy—You said again, as if making the difference, as if you really felt those words, lying to yourself again, as if it were so simple, because if things were so simple I wouldn't have done it for a long time? —Why do you hurt yourself like this?— But that wasn't the right question, why are you still here? Why did you come to see me?

—Because, sometimes, the pain is so big that it eats us inside Jiyong, and no matter how much we fight, we get tired, we get fed up and there's nothing left to do— Because I'm broken, because I'm devastated, because I haven't managed to cure my wounds, just them, but what can you know about it? Has anyone ever broken your heart like that Kwon Jiyong?

—We already had this conversation when that incident happened, I don't want to lose you— You barely spoke in a whisper and you evaded my eyes, but I managed to see it, the sadness mixed with sorrow, pity, it hurts, and I smiled bitterly again, fate is cruel, you can become so cruel too, because they are lies, all are lies, what I tell myself about you, are lies that I use to improve the picture of what once existed between us, to improve the memories of love that once you gave me.

—I didn't want to lose you, either, Jiyong, and still, it happened— And I saw that my words hurt you, but among everything, that was true, the most sincere words —Go where you belong now Jiyong— I don't know why you're still here, I don't know why you don't leave again.

—Don't talk like that, if I go now, then what will you do?— What will I do?

—Don't lie to yourself, you don't care for me enough Jiyong, and that's okay, I don't have space in your life and I understood that long ago, you stopped loving me and you formed a family, without even thinking about me, and that, accept it also because that's the way things are, because that's the way life is— Although I've never been able to overcome it, to overcome you.

The silence that you left after my words was cold and hard proof of it, even so you hug me with more strength, with more fear, I had promised, and I knew how to fulfill my promises, but you, in my comparison, are not capable to believe me, you never were it in the first place, even so I your hair looking to give you comfort.

—Go and leave me behind, not half as always, this time definitely Jiyong, it's time—  To see you is more a poison than a balsam, why can't you understand it? You always do it, although not to return to my side, never to return to my side, why are you here?

—You will die if I leave you alone— I know that you know the pain so deep that your words cause in me, the wounds that you inflict and even so, you continue, continue hurting me like this.

—The situation is, Jiyong, that you already left me and I already died inside— Your eyes watched me with astonishment —So I don't want you to continue having me pity, of everything I want from you, pity is the last of it, please— I'm begging you and even then you're not able to see it, I'm drowning in what I feel, like always ... It's so hard for me to be here, with you now, I close my eyes, feeling the well-known pain through my chest.

—Forgive me Seungri-ha, forgive me— You cried in my lap and I cried with you, because it hurts, I'm bleeding, because I still love you and I want you to continue loving me, I long for your return with despair and it's so impossible, so unreachable, because in the end I can only get this, bits of you ... Only your pity and your selfishness.

—Just leave— I pronounce like a broken lament, tired, too tired.

—I have tried before and I can't, I can't leave you completely —Your body trembled and your words are like little needles stuck in my skin, like a curse, like a sentence that I have to carry.

—What do you want from me?— In a weak and vulnerable whisper I ask, even knowing the answer.

—I don't know, I want you to go ahead and ...— You stayed silent, because it was a lie, because you don't really want me to keep going, because that kind of love was what we had, a selfish and possessive love, because even though you don't love me anymore, you want me by your side, always.

That's why you invited me to your wedding, acting, not "wanting" in facade that I went to it, but in reality, waiting inside that I would come and accompany you.

Because when I tried to kill me, you came running to my side and begged me to live, for you... For you and only you.

Because now that I'm in the hospital, you can only hold my hand, hoping I'm not too tired to give up on loving you, because you want me... You want me to continue loving you, until the end, until the last moment of my existence.

Because the love we had was dangerous, self-destructive, bitter, dark ... Because the way we love each other wasn't in the right way, it never was. And because even today, even if you don't love me anymore, you hope to be my last love.
And the worst, the most true of all, is that yes, you managed to be my last love, so you should be proud, happy, very happy Kwon Jiyong, because I love you and I can't love anyone else.

So like that time, I gave in to your desire, let you stay, hug me, even if you had a house, a wife and children to return to, even though the day after you act like nothing, as if I no longer existed.

Because there are different types of love, and the one between you and me was always my condemnation, my destruction and still is until today...

It wasn't what I planned to update, after my little vacation, but hey, I hope it looks interesting to you? I thought if everyone update stories with angst and sad things, why would not I? I wanted to try it too, what do you think? Should I continue making stories with this theme (angst)?

Hahaha ok no, sorry, I promise that the next upload will be different. ^^