The final month of 2017 passed by Chaeyoung like a blur. She's thankful for that though, thankful for the non-stop schedules that make her unable to remember how destroyed she actually feels. Though she knows that the girls are worried about her, she wears her emotions upon her sleeve without being able to hide it. Chaeyoung doesn't tell any of them the truth though, just says that she's missing her mom more often than usual; which really is only a tiny white lie. She can't sleep these days either, runs on 3 hours the most when she's having a decent day.

She's blocked out what her members sound like, what they look like; well to a certain point that is. She's a idol who sings with 8 other human beings, with choreo. It's mostly at home, or when they are all having down time in a waiting room. Music along with writing and drawing have become her new best friends; she's surviving.

nothing good lasts though.

It's her fault really, Dahyun had caught her awake at four in the morning asking her why she had woken up this early and without a thought Chaeyoung had answered that she hadn't slept at all. She informed the other girls without her knowledge later that day which in turn made them all corner her in her hotel room they were staying at in japan. The clear view of all eight of them around this time was almost surreal to her, so much so that she could only hear ringing in her ears as they all spoke rapidly and sternly at her. 

Thankfully Jihyo seems to notice and makes them all calm down before she shakes Chaeyoung to her senses. It's Mina's voice she hears clearly first, her head snaps quickly to the other bed in the room. She's met with soft worried eyes looking into hers as the older girl speaks up again with, "why did Dahyun tell us that you were up all night, last night?" It's such a simple question but it makes her heart begin to hit her ribcage harshly. feels so tight, she can't breathe in any air through her nostrils; she's panicking. 

Suddenly a hand is wrapped around her wrist, it's cold, the fingers are long; it's nayeon and her stomach is lurching so much it makes her let out a strangled groan of pain. Nayeon's hand is gone and a body is now warmly wrapped around her, instantly she sighs and her body shuts down. 

a soft voice whispers into her ear, "get some sleep chaeyoungie, i won't leave you." and she listens well because it's tzuyu.

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Nayeon looks around the room at the girls who all are looking to Chaeyoung curled asleep into tzuyu with looks of horror. she herself was terrified, the sound Chaeyoung had made the instant her hand wrapped around the younger girls wrist was painful. As if Nayeon's hand was covered in acid. She knows why, knows that this is because of her. She knows that Chaeyoung hasn't been sleeping, knows why she rarely looks at any of them. Chaeyoung's age is that of an adult but in matters of the heart she is a child, Nayeon broke a young heart.

Out of her thoughts she now realizes that Jeongyeon has pulled her into her lap and she wants to puke. She doesn't want this, doesn't like this; her eyes look back to the two youngest cuddled together and she despises the sight. She still hears the instant sigh that escaped Chaeyoung's lips once tzuyu wrapped herself around the smallest. It breaks her that she isn't the one anymore, how Chaeyoung won't sigh in contentment because of her. It's why Nayeon, in realization of the ty outcome that has only happened because of her own stupid actions, rises up from Jeongyeon's lap. She doesn't care what the eyes of her members could be seeing her as or what their minds could be thinking about her as she exits the room and goes to hers. 

She shuts her door with the right amount of strength, to make sure that no one could come in, that no one could hear her, unless they had the key. She holds onto the cold door knob tightly, not letting go until she allows herself to slide to the floor. Nayeon sits in her room in silence, counts the individual ticks of the clock that is shown vividly in her mind. She waits awhile, a good ten minutes, so she can know for certain that Jeongyeon doesn't plan to come and bombard her with questions. Nayeon stands up slowly, feels the heaviness in her heart spreading throughout her body causing her to move in what she thinks must be slow-motion. Her body curls itself into a ball the instant it hits the soft hotel bed. Nayeon lets out her own pain that she has held in for the past two weeks; tears stream down her face, she gasps out and squeezes her sides in looking for a way to find out how to not feel in so much pain.

So, she thinks about Chaeyoung, wonders about her pain and knows that it must have been tearing her apart before finally breaking just as she is. Nayeon hates herself, hates the fact that she can't go back in time and stop herself from accepting Jeongyeon's confession. She loves Chaeyoung, wants Chaeyoung the way she has Jeongyeon. She wants to be selfish, wants to be stupid. Nayeon doesn't want to care about hurting Jeongyeon, she wouldn't care if telling the truth meant that Chaeyoung's eyes would look at her with love like they did that day in December.

Be selfish, her mind repeats; let yourself be happy. Let Chaeyoung be happy with you; Jeongyeon doesn't have to know, she never has to know. And it all repeats through the two hours she lay curled into a ball upon her bed until she hears a card key being accepted by her door. Her body turns and lifts itself up to see Jihyo looking at her. It tears her apart as she looks deeply into her best friend's eyes, seeing how hurt and how confused they are. Jihyo's voice is almost a whisper as she tells her that Chaeyoung as awoken, that she wants Nayeon to be there too so that Chaeyoung can feel safe enough to want to tell them what is going on with her. The feeling of wanting to throw up again hits her hard, she feels like a walking devil because she knows, because she is the reason. Yet, she cannot speak out about it, doesn't want to.

All of the girls had just found out that she and Jeongyeon were an item, even their staff knew. All because she was allowing to let Jeongyeon run this relationship that they had but she didn't want to be a part of. Nayeon bites down her tongue, nods without a response to Jihyo, and follows her back into the room that Chaeyoung is staying in. She walks in carefully, she feels her body aching in pain; it fades quickly, fades when she sees chaeyoung again, when their eyes meet. In that moment, Nayeon decides that she needs to be selfish. She loves Chaeyoung and every single god that could possibly exist if they think they're going to never let her have her. She was going to make Chaeyoung see that the only one she would ever want was her; she was going to make Chaeyoung want her again too.

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Goosebumps arise throughout every surface upon her body when she looks into Nayeon's eyes. The eldest girl was such a beautiful mystery and even if her heart was broken by her, that didn't mean the strong feelings just disappeared. Nayeon came closer to her, curled herself into her left side. She was burning, Nayeon was scarring her skin just by mere touch. She still hadn't explained to the girls as to why she was acting the way she was, and she didn't really know how without spilling the whole truth out. All of them except Nayeon were looking at her, waiting for her to speak; how could she when she hadn't really spoke for the past weeks? Her left side was squeezed tightly, her head turned and her eyes looked at Nayeon laying upon her shoulder. She realized that Nayeon was telling her that she needed to speak, that she needed to say something because she was worrying every one of her members. 

Chaeyoung cleared loudly, "I know you want me to explain why I have been so distant with all of you," She swallowed carefully as she felt nayeon's fingers trying to dig into her sweater covered back, "honestly I don't think I know myself, I should know but all I can tell you is that I just was in a state of deep depression that I cannot really explain." acid bubbles formed inside of her stomach and moved way up into her chest as she felt the warm breath of Nayeon hitting the left side of and Tzuyu's cold breath hitting the right side. Chaeyoung couldn't stop the very obvious shiver that ran down her spine which caused Nayeon to hum happily before playing with the baby hairs on the back of Chaeyoung's neck. It made Chaeyoung forget to speak, forget that she was trying to put her member at ease.

She forgot everything as she moved in more closely to Nayeon who was now cuddled into her neck. Nayeon smelled like freshly opened sprite with just a dash of fresh cotton. Chaeyoung had forgotten how hypnotized Nayeon could make her, and although she wants to say she is thankful when she hears the loud cough that brings her back to reality, truthfully it just makes her want to cuss loudly and yank Nayeon out of this room to somewhere else. Though, when she realizes that the cough had come from Jeongyeon, she feels her heart hit her ribcage painfully. 

Chaeyoung runs a hand through her hair, she knows that she is blushing but still she lets out a long breath of air and continues, "I promise you that it was none of you that put me like this," Internally she scoffs at her own words because she knows that it's all a load of bull but the last thing she wants is for the truth to come out. "Let's just move on from this, I swear if i feel like this again I will come to one of you and I won't bottle everything up." She looks into the eyes of all of her members, making sure that she will see their relief. Most of them do, most except Jihyo, Jeongyeon, and Nayeon. Nayeon she can understand but knowing that she isn't able to lie through Jeongyeon and Jihyo makes her anxious, anxious that they could know that Nayeon is a key factor as to how she got so depressed.

Thankfully they all hug her tightly, all tell her that they love her more than anything. Yet, as she lets herself be hugged by Nayeon, she feels that things could go badly because of how she lets herself drown in the eldest's warmth and how Nayeon's nails dig into her sides, quietly saying something that she knows shouldn't be said but it sets her on fire in the most pleasant way. The ropes that she thought she could keep tightly around her are ripping rapidly, and Chaeyoung doesn't know if she's mad about it at all. 

a/n: ah, chapter two is here. 18 of you have subbed here and I am grateful for every single one of you. 

To the human who commented those lovely words, I just want to say that you made me heart fill up with warmth. I hope every one will enjoy this new chapter and i promise the third one will come within a short amount of time.

much love, xx