“So, I heard from Taekwoon hyung that you were looking for a job.”

Sanghyuk’s head snaps up.

“Are you really?” Hongbin asks softly – not angry – but definitely not happy either.

The thought of lying to Hongbin flashes past in his mind, but he knows that Hongbin would never believe it. “Yeah.”

“Why?”

“I told you I didn’t want to owe you anything,” Sanghyuk says matter-of factly.

“You don’t owe me.”

“That’s bloody easy to say,” Sanghyuk says unthinkingly, but he doesn’t even bother taking it back. “But when you spend your whole life being played like a damned chess piece, you wouldn’t trust you either.”

He's angry, and he's disappointed, and he feels so stupid. He's tried so hard to be independent, but it feels like the whole world is against him. 

“Hyuk-ah,” Hongbin contemplates backpedalling but he knows it’s too late. “You know I didn’t mean it like that.”

“Then what? What do you mean?” Sanghyuk shoots back, eyes narrowing. “Why can’t I get a job?”

“Because –” Hongbin stutters. “Because, well, I didn’t think you would be ready to.”

“Oh, so I can’t get a job because you think I’m just supposed to just stay here, like a prisoner?”

“Is that how you feel? Like I’m keeping you here?”

“Yeah, why do you keep me here? Goddamn, it’s not like I’m ever going to be a normal person anyway!”

He kicks the chair he’s sitting on and stands up to pace the living room.

“That’s not what I –I didn’t mean to – Why won’t you just let me help you?”

“Well, you won’t let me help you when you’re on the bathroom floor at 3am gasping to breathe.”

Oh. That.

Hongbin had merely forgotten to take his anti-depressants and it was a long day at work – couldn’t get any of his shoots right for some reason. While he was in the bathroom, he realized that his bottle was out. It shouldn’t have been a big deal, since he had another one in the medicine drawer (and he knew that) but his mind switched to panic mode unconsciously and he freaked the huge freak out.

He had thought he was dreaming of Sanghyuk coming to ask him if he was okay, so he had shut the door on him. But turns out, it really wasn’t a dream. Sanghyuk saw all of that. The whole – laying on the cool bathroom floor to calm himself down technique that he picked up along the way.

Hongbin stumbles on his words. “That was different. I just – You need more than me and I didn’t think –”

A tense moment of silence goes by before movement erupts like a volcano.

“I need more help than you?” Disbelief flashes in Sanghyuk’s eyes. “You’re using me to forget about your problems, aren’t you? You’re using me!”

“Sanghyuk, listen – I –”

“You don’t actually care – I can’t – How could you? You thought, oh I can piece this pathetic boy together because I want to run away from my own problems but you’re  wrong! Because this – this is all I’m ever going to be. This – This – This crazy mess. So stop trying! You’re never, ever, ever going to –”

"Stop.” Hongbin snaps, unintentionally angling Sanghyuk’s arm so they can both see the circular scars from having cigarettes being put out on him; as if Sanghyuk hasn't seen it enough, as if he won't see it for the rest of his life. " I didn't decide to let you stay because of this. God, Sanghyuk, how can you ever think that's what this was about?"

Part of Hongbin is screaming: shut up, shut up!, because this isn’t how he ever imagined approaching the topic would go. He shouldn’t be angry. He has no right to be angry, because he’s not the one hurting – Sanghyuk is, and he shouldn’t – Just like that, he feels gutted and empty. His hands are shaking.

Stress. Losing control.                                                                                                    

Hongbin lets him go and Sanghyuk pulls his arm back, can’t believe that Hongbin just used his scars to prove his point. That one thing that could be used against him. That one thing on his own very body that could be used as a weapon, as if he hasn’t already ing been used time and time again.

"What else could it be about?" Sanghyuk shouts, so tired of this stupid game of feeling stupid and out of the loop and abnormal, and so angry at both Taekwoon and Hongbin for betraying him.

Hongbin doesn’t reply so Sanghyuk keeps going.

"You don’t think I’m more messed up than you? Is that it? Bull! You know that’s not true. You know I’m never going to be okay. If you'd only — how could you even — I had no one!" Sanghyuk screams, voice breaking.

"I’ve always owed everyone else. But you’ve always had someone to yourself – your parents and your friends and – and – I had no one at all for so many years! Everyone wanted something from me! Do you get it? I was alone!" Dimly, Sanghyuk knows that he’s crying but trying to hold the tears back only makes it worse, so he puts it into increasing the volume of his voice.

But whatever anger fuelled the outburst is quickly leaching out of him and being quickly replaced by a numbing feeling of lethargy. Hongbin quickly catches Sanghyuk before he stumbles, dizzy with frustration and the injustice of the universe, laughing a little hysterically. Sanghyuk tries to twist out of Hongbin’s hold.

“You didn’t mean for them to do that to you, Hyuk-ah.”

 “Of course I did.” Sanghyuk moves out of Hongbin’s hold, forcing his own legs to hold him up and grits out, jaw clenching, anger continuing to rise. He has never been so angry in his entire life. It’s like all the rage from the past sixteen years of his life just congregated here. Right in this moment. “I just ing lay there like a ing toy. What did I expect them to do? Be saints and treat me like a person? I let them hurt me. It was my ing fault! It was all me! That’s why I can’t owe you anymore, do you understand? I can’t – I can’t –”

Tears are running down his cheeks but he’s not crying. He’s not, he’s not, he’s not, because he’s not a child anymore. And he shouldn’t still be this weak. He’s supposed to be out in the world. So he walks into his room and slams the door as hard as he can.

***

 It’s 3am and Sanghyuk walks out for a drink of water. Instead, he sees Hongbin at the dining table with his head in his hands. The kitchen table lamp isn’t lit and from the light flooding out from his room in a bold line, it looks as if Hongbin is shining. But it is also clear that he has an incredible weight on his shoulders. The weight he refuses to let anybody else take.

Sanghyuk turns to go back into his room but it’s too late.

Hongbin looks at him and beckons for him to sit. When Sanghyuk gets close enough, he can see how red and puffy Hongbin’s eyes are.

“You know,” Hongbin takes his time to start speaking. “I was alone for a large portion of my life.

I didn’t have friends in school because I didn’t really know how to socialize. I was in the same elementary, middle, and high school. So everyone who thought I was weird in elementary school told all their friends to ignore me. Everyone avoided me like the plague. Then I would go home and get bullied at home too.”

Sanghyuk’s heart starts to ache. “For what?”

“My mom bullied me because I just wasn’t ever enough for her. I wasn’t ever masculine enough, or charismatic enough, or smart enough. She tried so hard to have a son so she could have a heir to the company – I guess I didn’t turn out the way she wanted me to. She felt like she wasted her life giving birth to a son she couldn’t use.”

The shaking of Hongbin’s hands grab the attention of Sanghyuk, who reaches out slowly to intertwine their fingers together.

“I’m sorry,” Sanghyuk whispers. “Are you – are you mad at me?”

“No,” Hongbin says solemnly but then extracts his hands from Sanghyuk’s.

Sanghyuk flinches like he’s burned. He thinks Hongbin is going to walk away from him now; but instead, Hongbin rolls up his right sleeve. The leather cuffs Hongbin always wear aren’t there anymore. In their place, straight scars running down his arm. Only a fraction of Hongbin’s skin is unmarked. Sanghyuk’s brows furrow. He’s not sure what they are, but he’s seen them before.

“I haven’t been doing very well,” Hongbin breathes. “But you being here helps me so much. Maybe I have been using you – if I was, I don’t think I would know. But I swear it isn’t on purpose. I just… I like having you here. You’re one of the best friends I’ve ever had. You accept me for all my shortcomings, and you don’t make me feel small when I have bad days, and it’s fun talking to you.

I’m sorry if I made you feel like you were being kept here. You’re free to go, whenever you want. Really. I just –” Hongbin looks up. “I was just hoping you wanted to stay.”

“I do want to stay, I just don’t know how to.” Sanghyuk inches his hand towards Hongbin’s arm and traces one of the scars.

It feels the same. All scars feel the same. If not for the shape, Sanghyuk wouldn’t know whether it was his own arm he’s touching, or Hongbin’s. Same body, different kind of war.

“Please just trust me.” Hongbin chokes out. “I know I'm inadequate. I know I'm useless. But we can make this work, I promise.”

Sanghyuk nods and opens his arms. Hongbin collapses into them and cries, his body melting into the warmth of Sanghyuk.