satu
ellipsism[Seoul, 2017]
Jongin finds himself drowning in silence—for silence is the only way he can find comfort in the middle of his chaotic mind. He cannot fathom himself though, as to why he acts so strange these days. Sehun says he is just insecure about the upcoming event, and Baekhyun just agrees about it. Maybe they are right—maybe he is just too afraid to face tomorrow.
“Don’t be such a fool, Jongin.”
Jongin scowls in disgust at Sehun’s words, but he remains silent.
“We know that you and Baekhyun are destined to each other—” Sehun says, but Jongin interferes with, ‘Joonmyun hyung was completely sure that Yixing-ge was his soul mate too, but you saw it yourself last year how this soul mate thing was a prick for him.’
“Yeah and you saw it yourself how well Joonmyun hyung is right now with his real soul mate. So—if he can finally accept and love someone that is really destined to be his, you can do it too.”
“Thank you, you er. You are such a help.”
Sehun just rolls his eyes and closes his notebook before he stands up and leaves his best friend alone in the classroom.
Jongin sighs, for the umpteenth times this day, and throws his gaze outside the classroom through the window beside him, wondering what tomorrow may bring. If there is something that always makes him afraid, it would be the future. Jongin is a pessimistic bastard, someone who is so unsure and skeptical about everything including the future. He knows how harsh this world is, and how he cannot predict what tomorrow may bring.
Jongin always wonders. He wonders about many things. A thousand what if always come to his mind. And this time, the what if that ocuppies his mind is just—what if Baekhyun is not his soul mate? Who would his soul mate be?
Jongin knows by now, Baekhyun is still waiting for him downstairs in front of the gate. It is his habit to walk Baekhyun home since they live in the same area, but as for now he cannot bring himself to leave this position where he can find the utmost comfort—in silence. Jongin just wants to sort things out, and it will be better if Baekhyun leaves the campus without him. The sound of footsteps echoed in the hall room outside the class proves him wrong, though. And Jongin knows Baekhyun well until he knows by heart how his footsteps sound like. Baekhyun always makes this funny sound when he walks—he always taps his feet louder and with tap-tap tap pattern as if he wants to make it rhythmic.
“Are you sleeping or just chilling?”
Jongin smiles and his head is still buried between his folded arms. He feels so safe when Baekhyun’s hand pats and caresses his head, lulling him into a deep slumber. Unconsciously, he leans closer to the touch, like he wants so save the feeling in his heart a little longer.
“Jongin...”
“Hm...”
“Let’s go home.”
The journey they take in silence makes Baekhyun uneasy. It is not like he wants to say something, but Jongin being this quiet makes him worried too. Only their footsteps echoing in the corridor and the uneasy feeling linger between them. Baekhyun just opens his lips as he wants to start a conversation with Jongin when suddenly his boyfriend stops walking. Baekhyun furrows his brows and turns around to see his boyfriend who is looking at him with his unreadable expression across his face.
“Jong—”
“Baekhyun, what if we are not meant to be together?”
Baekhyun stands there, frozen in his position because—yeah, what if they are not meant to be? To be honest, Baekhyun thinks about it a lot. He knows, he is not that stupid to let his hopes go high. This soul mate thingy—no one can predict it. Even when everyone else says that they look so good together and lots of people even say that even destiny wouldn’t be so cruel to set them apart, he knows that that is not how reality works. He knows that he cannot hold onto something that is unpredictable, and tomorrow—
Tomorrow is the day when they will know, if destiny really wants to see them falling apart or not.
Being together with Jongin nearly in his lifetime, Baekhyun knows it will be so hard for them to see each other in someone else’s arms. Even the thought of it suffocates Baekhyun at this point.
Jongin and Baekhyun.
Kim Jongin and Byun Baekhyun—the school heartthrobs. The school dancer and the school singer.
Nearly fifteen years growing up with each other, Baekhyun knows how hard it is to face what tomorrow may bring, if they are not really meant to be.
And Baekhyun just stands there in silence, hoping he can console Jongin or bravely tell him that they are really destined to be soul mate.
But no, he cannot do anything but swallowing his words in silence.
The next day is hell for Jongin—he cannot get a proper sleep because his mind is all about today’s event. He cannot even talk with Baekhyun because he is really nervous. This morning too, he is finally awake at 7.15 sharp, which makes him go to his campus without showering and he just grabs his clothes randomly.
In his way to the campus he is totally in a bad mood.
Firstly, this day is the day when he finally knows who his soul mate is. He will be the happiest person ever if his worries these days are proven to be wrong, and he will definitely live a happy life with his—
“Yo.”
Jongin sighs. It is too early for putting up with this child.
“You look like a zombie.”
“Sehun, don’t you feel nervous at all about this soul mate thing?” Jongin asks as he continues walking towards his school with an Oh Sehun beside him, looking so unbothered at all.
Sehun nods his head slowly. “Nope. Not at all.”
“What if your soul mate is Karen?”
“She is okay, so I won’t mind.”
“What if it is Mark?”
“Too young but okay he is cute enough.”
“Yoona?”
“Goddest like her? I would die for her to step on me, bro.”
“Really, Sehun, you are the weirdest biual I ever met.”
Sehun looks at Jongin with a really bored expression. “That’s because all your friends are gay, mate.”
Jongin smirks, and he does not want to say it out loud but Sehun’s company makes his mood go up even for just a bit.
“But I have someone in mind that I would never imagine to be my soul mate.”
Jongin furrows his brows in confusion because as long as he knows Sehun—and by long it means seventeen years—he never hears this man has someone he hates in mind.
“Do you hate this person? Who? Who is it?”
“No, not hate. I don’t hate this person, it is just—I cannot imagine him to be my soul mate.”
“A he? Who is it? That Guanlin guy who declares himself to be your fan? Jeonghan? Johnny? Who?”
“It is Lu Han.”
Jongin stops walking, and Sehun does the same. The sun-kissed boy stares at Sehun in confusion, while Sehun just gives him a blank expression.
“What?”
“You heard me. I’m not saying it again.”
“Dude, you just declared yourself to be his fanclub President last year! What the is going on with you? Oh my god this is the most bull thing I ever heard in my short life.”
Sehun stares at Jongin judgingly as his friend acts like he is having a life crisis right now.
“Calm the down, Jongin. It is not that I hate or despise him, you see it yourself how I admire and would turn into a puddle of goo when he is near but it is just myself. I know I am far for being perfect for him so—yeah I think I will be pleased when they announce this soul mate thing today because I can finally see him getting his soul mate which I hope, is the best one for him.”
Jongin is in awestruck.
Sehun’s answer slaps him right in the face. That’s right. That can happen with him, too. What if his soul mate isn’t Baekhyun and he is far more perfect than him? Jongin is a man full of doubts and insecurities—he knows he is far from being a good company, let alone to be a soul mate. No one—aside from Baekhyun, his parents, and Sehun—knows him and can accept his flaws and with this soul mate thing, he doubts that if they decide to separate him with Baekhyun, his real soul mate will have a hard time to accept him.
“Jongin, stop thinking about this whole crap. I can read your thought perfectly.”
Jongin smiles, but that doesn’t reach his eyes.
The last person Jongin wants to face this day is Baekhyun, because it is already so hard for him to think that the possibility of his future without Baekhyun is right in front of him, threatening him. He doesn’t know—he just has this feeling gnawing inside his heart.
—But here he is—Byun Baekhyun, standing in front of the school gate as if he is waiting for Jongin.
Kim Jongin lets a heavy sigh when he sees Baekhyun waves his hand when he sees him walking with Sehun, with the usual bright smile he always has just for Jongin. A smile that warms his heart in a second, a smile that always feels like a hug after a tiring day—a smile that he cannot erase.
“Jongin!”
Jongin smiles, but that doesn’t reach his eyes.
As he walks closer, Baekhyun squints his eyes, probably wondering why Jongin is such a mess this morning. Jongin knows Baekhyun hates him when he doesn’t even shower, but he cannot bring himself to care about his appearance today.
“Jongin, did you—”
“Yeah. I don’t even get a proper sleep and my ing stupid alarm doesn’t ring so... yeah,” Jongin offers his boyfriend a cheeky smile but the latter doesn’t buy it.
“Honestly you do look like today, Jongin. And you smell like dead fish.”
“Shut up, Sehun. No one can talk about my boyfriend except myself.”
Sehun rolls his eyes, but the sight of someone who just walks in front of him makes his eyes go wider.
Baekhyun and Jongin follow his gaze, and when they see a familiar person is the source of their friend’s sudden silence, the pair snort loudly.
“Sehun, don’t you want to follow him? I think you are his fanclub president, now.”
Sehun averts his gaze and lets a short sigh. He then looks at Jongin and asks, “Who would be his soul mate—I think that person would never be good enough for him.”
“Sehun you are such a sap.” Baekhyun says and laughs at his friend’s cheesy words.
Jongin, on the other hand, keeps being silent. His mind still thinks of the possibility of his soul mate if he and Baekhyun aren’t really meant for each other.
Sehun walks away without saying anything to his friends, and Baekhyun is waiting for Jongin to get into his sense. He stretchs his hand to grabs Jongin’s, and when his boyfriend jerks and finally goes back from his daydreaming, he offers Baekhyun a weak smile.
Baekhyun returns it with a small smile, knowing perfectly what is going on inside his boyfriend’s head.
While they are walking, Baekhyun keeps stealing glance at Jongin, wanting to ask if he is okay and he just wants him to not overthinking the situation that is going to happen.
“Jongin.”
“Baekhun, what if—”
“Jongin, don’t.” Baekyun stops walking as he looks at Jongin with the mix of annoyance and hurt expression in his face.
Jongin is surprised, he is hurt as well seeing the expression and he bows his head and whispers slowly—“I am sorry.”
Baekhyun shakes his head, the hurt expression is still there. “What are you sorry for, Jongin? Why are you like this? Why are you always overthinking about this situation? Don’t you love me?”
Jongin jerks and lifts his head in an instant, nods his head and says, “Of course I do love you, Baekhyun! Why are you even asking that question?!”
Baekhyun lets a heavy sigh, and he cannot bring himself to look at his boyfriend now. “It is just—Jongin you are literally ignoring me and my presence. Don’t lie to me and say you are not because you clearly are. And this—you are always busy thinking about the future, and you keep being afraid of the chance of us getting separated, right?”
Jongin swallows his words.
Baekhyun is right.
He is right.
“Baekhyun...”
“Stop it now, Jongin. This soul mate program is made for the best. Whatever the result is, with whom we are ended up with, it is for the best. If I am not your soul mate, then that’s it. Soul mate is a holy thing, Jongin. It is about the red string that ties you with someone else, someone whom you will spend your entirely life with, and for me, you are already my soul mate from the beginning, aside from the fact that what the future will hold.”
The urge of hugging Baekhyun is so strong, and that’s what he does.
Because he knows that Baekhyun is right.
Whatever the future will hold, they are already soul mate by heart.
And his guess is right. The whole school only talks about this soul mate thing that will be announced in two hours. Jongin does his best to ignore the nervous feeling eating him, but the whole talk about this just annoys the out of him.
Actually Jongin doesn’t know what he should when the announcement comes, and when groups of friends gossiping about that, he concentrates on their conversation.
“You know, I am straight as hell but I will be gay for Sehun.” Kibum butts in between Taemin and Hansol’s conversation, and the two just snort at his words, while Jongin is just rolling his eyes.
“All offence, Kibum, but you keep talking about Sehun in the past five months and I guess you already turn gay for him.”
“Well, I still have a for seeing Sooyoung’s y so—no, Minnie.”
“It is not like Sehun will be your soul mate, anyway. I think he will end up with Joohyun.”
Jongin raises his eyebrows at that and says, “No. Sehun will not end up with Joohyun. She is like his the one and only friend without benefit aside from me and Baekhyun.”
“Jongin is right. I think his soul mate would be Lu Han, though,” says Hansol, ignoring the scowl from Kibum.
“But tell me again, guys, how will we know our soul mate is?”
Hansol rolls his eyes at Kibum’s stupid question, but answers it anyway. “We will gather at the hall in two hours, and by that we will be divided into two sections. I think I read it clearly that we are in the first section, and we will go first. People from the government will give us a box consisted of some informations about our soul mate and a compass. The thing is, they say that the information is useless because they only write down the name of our soul mate and other unimportant stuffs and it leaves us with the compass alone.”
“What’s the use of it?” Jongin asks, wanting to know more about the whole process/
Hansol shrugs his shoulder and says, “My brother told me that it is just an accessory.”
“No, you ,” snaps Taemin who now laughs at Hansol’s answer. “It is for you to find your soul mate. Not all people have their soul mate in their sides, so each pair there is only one person who is given a compass. And then that is your own task—to search for your soul mate. The government is not the one who controls everything. It is us who will find our true soul mate, anyway. They are basically just lead us the way.”
Jongin stays motionless, knowing it perfectly that in two hours, he will be either happy or miserable.
The two hours turns out to be just a blink in Jongin’s perspective, and this makes him want to puke. This moment, he is finally here, right in the middle of hundreds of people. Besides him, Sehun stands in silence, looks unbothered as always, and just some metres from him stands Baekhyun with his friends. He looks like he is as nervous as Jongin but still, he tries to manage himself better.
“Sehun...”
“I know, I know. Look, in three minutes or less we will be called and now you hear me, Jongin, whatever the results are, don’t be such a . Man it up, whoever your soul mate is, it is your destiny so stop sweating like it is your death sentence.”
Jongin gulps and nods in the end.
That ‘three minutes’ turns to be two minutes sharp, and by the time the microphone calls his name along with other twenty students, he is sweating like he is just crossing the ocean. When he passes Baekhyun, the other is mouthing him a ‘we will be okay’ for him. He wants to believe that, he really wants to, but he is such a he cannot do anything but nods at him.
By the time he opens the door, a middle aged man smiles at him and gives him a small white box. He accepts it and his hands are shaking, but the man sitting across the table says—“It’s okay, child. I have this feeling that they give you the best soul mate you need. Congratulation in advance!”
Jongin doesn’t want to believe it because the best soul mate for him would always be Baekhyun, and why is his heart beating like crazy when he holds his box?
The journey from that damn room to the corridor where he knows Sehun is already waiting for him seems like forever, and when he finally sees his best friend standing there outside, he sees that Sehun’s box is already opened; his expression is so troubled and he keeps mouthing ‘, oh this doesn’t happen to me’. He wants to ask who his soul mate is, but the urge of opening his own box is just so hard to handle—
And he feels like he wants to die right now.
[Slovenia, 2017]
Kyungsoo wakes up with the scent of his favorite tea lingering in his shared room. He stretches his body—he is not a morning person and it is still seven sharp in the morning but of course, his boyfriend already opens the damn curtain in their room. He groans in laziness, and decides to wake up and find his boyfriend.
He walks into the kitchen where he hears the sound of humming and he knows perfectly where the source of his favorite scent is coming from.
The figure standing in front of the stove cooking their breakfast is heartwarming, and he walks slowly approaching him and stands beside him, leaning closer to taste the half-ready pancake Chanyeol is making.
“Kyungsoo, no! Don’t do that! Ew that’s so gross brush your teeth first!”
Kyungsoo rolls his eyes in annoyance but couldn’t argue with his boyfriend.
He decides to walk away from the kitchen—not before taking a sip from his morning tea in the table—and goes outside, but when he opens his front door he finds two boxes in front of the door. He decides to pick it up and leaves it in the table besides his tea, and walks again to check the mail box outside.
When he closes the door and is inside, he finds the pancakes are readily served above the table along with the tea, and his smile widens.
He walks approaching Chanyeol who has this unreadable expression in his face, holding a white paper in his hand.
“Chanyeol what are you reading?”
Chanyeol lifts his head, and for the first time, Kyungsoo sees him crying.
The names written in the damn boxes is so weird, so foreign, so painful, so—
—unattainable.
an: i'm sorrry but i wrote this in a rush so there are typos here and there i'll prolly edit it later. happy new year, once again<3
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