“Please pick up the line, please…” she choked out as she redialled the numbers once again with trembling hands. Tears were now running her face. She needed to get hold of him. Immediately.  Tears were running down her face and she carelessly wiped them away with the sleeve of her oversized hoodie.

But she couldn’t stop crying.

He had showed signs. Sometimes subtle and sometimes staring at her right in the face. She listened to him, providing a listening ear whenever she could and trying her best to give him advice. But it seemed like however hard she tried, it didn't seem to be enough.

Somewhere deep in her heart, she knew. That this was something to be expected. But she did not expect it to be this soon.

His world was dark and she knew it.

He had fake smiles and she knew it.

He was not truly happy and she knew it.

He was broken in the inside and she knew it.

He was struggling and she knew it.

He had difficulties sleeping every night and she knew it.

He kept things from her and she knew it.

But she didn’t know what to do.

Only that she was not ready to let him go.

She loved how he was the one to pamper her whenever she needed pampering.

She loved how he could pick up whenever she was upset.

She loved how ready he was to take her side whenever and wherever.

She loved his company and how he would eventually give in to her after much hassle.

She loved how he was always smiling whenever she invited him for a day out.

She loved their playful fights and his childish ways and playful charms.

She loved how she could see him smirking during their phone calls.

She loved how encouraging, kind and caring he was and always knowing just the right words to say.

She loved him for how courageous and firm he was, standing up for his beliefs despite backlashes.  

She loved how she was able to look up to him.

She loved how easy he was to love.

She loved him.

Her mind was suddenly filled with the ‘what ifs’.

What if she had been her usual insistent self and ask him to spend time with her that day?

What if she had referred him another psychiatrist?

What if she had watched him more carefully?

What if she had decided not to watch him leave the night before?

What if she had suggested to go on a vacation earlier?

What if she gave him something to look forward to?

What if she had given him more care?

What if she had provided him with a greater pillar of support?

Just then, her phone rang. She instantly placed it to her ear, not even bothering to check the caller ID like she always did. Out of desperation, she whimpered a meek “Jonghyun..?”, hoping to hear his voice or his playful greeting on the other end. But instead, the call came from the police, it was a call she dreaded to hear.

The phone slipped from her hands and she fell to the floor. She felt sick in the stomach. She felt dizzy. Before she could grasp hold of herself, her world turned a pitch black.

Days passed.

She continues to be mentally tired. Broken. She had locked herself in her room for the past few days but she decided it was enough. He wouldn’t want her to stay that way. He was that Oppa who cared so much for her health- reminding her to eat proper meals, dress warmly and drink more water, taking extra care of her when she fell ill, and scolding her lightly upon finding out that she skipped meals or stayed up late and messed up her body clock.

She dragged herself to the mailbox, which was chucked full of envelopes and flyers as it was not opened for days. She flipped through them mindlessly.

Then, she came to an envelope with an all too familiar handwriting. She dropped the rest of the pile and rushed to open it.

It’s been really hard up till now.

Send me off please.

Tell me I did well.

Her heart broke, tears started to fall down her cheeks once again. But she understood all too well what he hated to see- her crying. Putting on a brave front, she turned her head to look up at the only star in the sky, which was shining ever so brightly. The tears clouded her vision, but she knew what he wanted and needed to hear.

“Jonghyun-ah, you did well.”