Just a few hours ago, I recently heard about the death of Jonghyun from Shinee and the reason why I'm just discovering this now is that I haven't been keeping update with Kpop Idols for awhile. Also, in recent times, I haven't been the biggest SHINee fan, due to focusing on other Kpop groups. Well, a few hours ago when I was researching a Korean name for a OC character I'm creating for a My Hero Academia fanfic, I typed in Jonghyun to find the meaning of his name and I was thinking about him. I thought "Ooh, JongHyuk (My OC) can be inspired by Jonghyun!" But then on the Google tool bar, when I typed Jonghyun, one of the top search engine thing, whatever it's called, said "Jonghyun death." I looked at it for a second before dismissing it, taking it as one of those troll articles, but I clicked on it and I was in literal shock.

On my laptop, when I type in a person's name and if they have a Wikipedia, then a small section of the page will pop-up on the side. I usually pay attention to that first and the first thing I saw was "Born: April 8, 1990..." right above "Death: December 18, 2017." I was still in disbelief then I finally looked over at the rest of my page and saw video recommendations and articles surrounding his death. In my mind I was like, "No, this can't be real." Before this, I was about to listen to SHINee's Everybody, becuase I wanted to listen to their music as I wrote about my OC. I quickly clicked on the first article and I could feel my throat tightening. I still didn't want to believe it, because it's the internet, people post crazy things all the time, but I was true. I didn't cry, even though I wanted to do so. I did more research on his death to know why, then it said that he committed suicide.

I felt so many emotions at once. I felt extremely sad and distraught that he took his own life mixed with a bit of bewilderment, because I remembered that he is only six years older than me. After reading some more articles, I felt angry to the point I wanted to slap someone. I'm not angry at his family or anything, but I'm angry at his psychiatrist, who basically told him it was his fault on why he's depressed. I wanted to scream to the man, telling him, "You can't say that to someone! He went to you for help and you say that to him!"

It's horrible when people dismiss your problems as "Whatever, you'll get over it." Or saying something insensitive like, "Just be happy!" or "Damn, dude. Don't be a downer." It's even more terrible when someone, who has studied psychology, has a degree in it, and has a practice tells you it's your fault.

It's hard to tell someone how you feel, especially when it's a negative feeling. I have a really hard time of telling people, especially my own mom about my feelings. I don't do it, because I don't want to make my family worry, especially my mom, who went through a lot and struggles with a lot of things (She actually had a friend who comitted suicide when I was little, but I don't remember it well. Actually, I feel bad for not remembering it well, because my mom's friend was so, so amazing). Like paying the bills and rent, because she's the only one with a job (a job that doesn't pay much) and there's five more people who live with her. I'm trying to find employment in my town, but it's difficult because there either not hiring now or I'll get to the first intervew then they don't call me back.

Recently, my mother has been worried about me, because I don't go out a lot or talk to my friends. Ever since my graduation, three years ago, the few friends I had slowly became distant. I understand that high school friends come and in go, because we're starting our own lives. But it's already difficult for me to make friends because I'm a quiet and socially-awkward person, who doesn't like to go out much anyway. I try to reconnect with them, but they don't respond. I'm afraid to make new friends, because I'm afraid that they'll just leave.

For years, I actually felt...apart from the friends I had. I guess it's due to the fact that I was afraid that they will become bored of me and looking back, I had some friends, who would say stuff to me that would hurt my feelings and make me feel dumb, but I wouldn't say anything about it. I don't hate myself, but I don't think I'm the most interesting person. (I don't want you guys to hate on these people. I've got over them and when I was younger, especially in middle school, I sometimes didn't treat my friends, especially my best friend at the time, right. I was dealing with a lot of problems at that time, but it's no excuse to lash it out on someone who didn't deserve it).

At first, I was a little annoyed by her, but then I know that she's doing it because she cares about me. A few hours ago, she told my sister (when I still in the room) that she's waiting for me to talk to her. At that moment, I felt lucky to have her as my mom. I want to talk to her, but it'll take some time.

I know it's hard to express yourself and telling someone about your issues. After knowing that Jonghyun went to a psychiatrist, because he knew he had to talk to someone, it makes me look up to him more. It's due to the fact that sometimes when you admit that you go to a psychiatrist, people look at you as to say, "What's wrong with you?" Or "Are you crazy or something?"

It makes me angry and sad that we stigmatize mental health and it sickens me that we romanticize and villainize it in the media. Since media is so good at convincing others, it makes people believe that this is what Depression, Schizophrenia, and Dissociative Identity Disorder is. Now, a few movies, TV shows, and books do portray mental health in a way more right and realistic way, hell, there are fanfiction writers, who do it better than actual writers. But (at least to me) it's difficult to find.

 We need to take mental health more seriously; spread awareness and get the facts right when talking about it to someone.

After watching his funeral clips (which honestly makes me feel wrong, because I'm not there to give my respects and I'm imposing on a private affair), I saw so many idols, like Super Junior, Girls' Generation, F(x); etc., I honestly got worried for some of them. After reading an article about Apink's Eunji wanting to promote more awareness for mental health, she stated that she had friends who read Jonghyun's letter and admitted that they feel that same way. Eunji instantly became worried, and rightly so. So, when I looked at some of the other idols, I was worried for them. I'm especially worried for the other SHINee members, Taeyeon, and Leeteuk. Taeyeon, who's dealing with her own depression and she admits that she wished she was there for him. Leeteuk...he looked like he was on shut down, like his eyes were dead. Not to long ago, he attended his father and grandparent's funeral and now, he attended a friend's funeral. I really hope that they talk to someone in the future.

SHINee has been together for almost 10 years. They have been through so much together. I remember when I first got into them. I was in the tenth grade and a friend was singing Hello as we walked around in the hallways. I went home and listened to it. Multiple times. Jonghyun was the first one to catch my eye. Being 15-16 at the time, I noticed him because I thought he was the cutest and had nice vocals. I instantly liked him. But I felt something special about him. It might have been something in his eyes, because the eyes are a window to person's soul. I didn't know what it was, but I thought that he was really talented. The other members are talented and I love them, but Jonghyun stuck out to me. In my mind, I was like, "He's going places."

I know that Onew, Taemin, Key, and Minho are going to be there for each other. SHINee, they are more than group members; they are friends and brothers. You can tell that they love and care for each other. How could they not? They debuted together and went through thick and thin together. SHINee will always have five members, because even though that Jonghyun is not there physically, he'll always be there in spirit. As long as they (and we) remember Jonghyun, he'll always be here.

I give my respects to his family, friends, and other people who loved him. Jonghyun, where ever you are, I hope that you found what you were looking for. You will be missed and loved by the millions.

You did Well, Jonghyun.