My blinding, guiding light, how I miss you, so.

Every night, despite seeing your smile in the picture frame by my bed, I miss the existence of such a bright smile. I know it was once here, and it's still with us all in our hearts, but I miss the idea that somewhere you are smiling to yourself---whether in sleep or to our beloved Roo. Though it is getting easier to breathe every passing day, not a day goes by where I don't miss it.

If my gaze were to avert to my calendar, a knot would develop as my eyes found its way on a certain day of the month. At times, I wouldn't even acknowledge what day of the week it is, yet I would wake up knowing, in my heart, that it's that certain day of the month. My chest would tighten, and when I confirm it on my smartphone, my heart would drop. And though I would like to not associate such sadness on that date, it's a feeling I can't simply shake off, love.

It was the day I physically lost you, so.

How could I? How could I not? It was no one's fault but society to drag us down, to tear you from my arms; and I'm still so furious about it all, but being angry is such an exhausting way to spend our days. I know I wouldn't want you to feel the same if it was the other way around. That's how I felt for a while, and I still slightly feel it within, but it's all because of that one day, forever hurting me.

Hurting me because I didn't want it to be you; Hurting me because of how I've taken you for granted. I used to proclaim how much I missed you before that day, but now I truly know how much I really do miss you. How I truly miss knowing you were busing yourself with errands or with things that would make you smile. Knowing that you would busy yourself with surprises for us, and how quickly I would mark my calendar for that surprise that awaits me. Now, I white-out that certain day because I can't even bare with the thought that it marks another month without you.

My love, how I missed you, so.

Such emptiness I feel on that day, but I have become strong enough to smile at the thought of your smile. I would gaze into the mirror of my bathroom and practice smiling because I almost forgot how---that is until I think of you. When the day turns to night, the lights are out but I leave my blinds open. There, beaming from the blinds, is you shining brightly as you did before. Watching from above, brightening my night so I wouldn't in the dark. I wish I would've done the same in a way, but that's just a sign that we're all growing.

Though you are not my side, you're still with me---with all of us. Today marks a year without you, and I can't promise that I wouldn't shed a tear, but what I can do is smile and repeat the promise I made a year ago: I will live every day for you, and when we meet again, my love, I'll tell you all about it. I'll tell you everything, my guiding, blinding light from the sky.

...

Now that a year has passed, I'm happy to say that I can look back at this as a motivation. I, too, suffer from depression and a year ago, I didn't see any sort of value in life. A lot has happened, and I won't give up because I made this promise. I will keep it. I'll tell myself that I will seek happiness, find love, have a child to call my own, or even pursue my dream of writing music. And when I'm done, I will wait for the day to tell him all about it. I hope you guys also find all of this because this is what Jonghyun would've told us, it is all he has taught us and we must spread such kindness as he did.

With lots of love to you all and a warm, BIG SHINee World hug,

KonekoNoHeart // NiNAH