Entry 1- 11/13/12

I remember when I realized I loved you. We were laying on our couch, cuddled beneath a blanket. Your head rest on my stomach and I ran my hands through your hair. I don't know if it was the scent of the vanilla candles or the affect of the red wine. But right then, with you in my arms, your scent flourishing my nostrils, and your warmth, everything just seemed so perfect. And when you looked at me with those beautiful brown eyes, every part of my being was uplifted. I felt the butterflys in my stomach, I felt the beating of my heart speed up. I flushed and looked away. It was at that moment, I realized that I loved you.

The way you made me feel sent me on a high. And the more time that passed, I was drunk on you. The magnitude of my love for you scared me. I wanted to tell you, but fear of rejection was always there and I just couldn't.

You started dating a guy from your job. After you came home from your  first date, you had the biggest smile on your face. You were so energetic and just so happy. I planned on confessing to you that night. But after seeing you so happy over this guy, I couldn't do it. I couldn't be selfish and ake your happiness away from you. I didn't show it, but I was heartbroken. There were nights where I'd cry myself to sleep. The pain from not being able to have you and watching you fall in love with someone else was too much for me to bear.

You moved out of our apartment after three months. I was silently, begging you not to go. I didn't want you to leave me. There was apart of me that was afraid, that if I let you gom you'd never come back. 

I helped you pack and move into your boyfriends house. I see why you wanted to leave. His house had more space andwas closer to your job. The first night I spent alone was painful. Your side of the bed was cold and the silence was threatening.  I missed your snoring, I never realized how much I actually needed it to fall asleep. 

You came to visit after a few weeks. To you, everything was fine. Normal. But to me, it seemed like the end of the world.  I told you I was sick, when I didn't let you hug me.  I couldn't stand the thought of you touching me. I was afraid that if we had any type of contact,  I'd break down and confess. I wanted to tell you. I wanted to take you in my arms and kiss you. I just wanted to love you.  We had fun that night. For a moment,  I forgot about how unhappy I was. Maybe it was the drunken touches or the way you said my name. Maybe it was just my hormones. 

You kissed me that night.

And I didn't stop you.  
I should have, but I didn't.

You didn't remember our kiss.  The next time you came over, you asked why I wouldn't sit near you. I told you I got sicker. You insisted though.You were innocent kyu, a beautiful, graceful angel. And angels font fall in love with demons. We selpt together that night. Just slept. Hearing you snore next to me, made it harder to fall asleep. I wanted to ignore your presence, but having you right there made it almost impossible. I watched you sleep. I noticed so many things, I'd never noticed before.  Like how your nose twitches and your mouth forms a pout. The way you hold yourself, almost a protective mannor. You kept you hands clasped  together as well as your legs. It was as if you were a catapillar waiting to form into a butterfly.

There are things I'd like to tell you. Such as; "I love you". Also, "You are everything to me and without you, I cannot live." I want to say those words to you while, we lay under the stars, wrap up in your red and black checkerboard blanket as we stare into each others eyes. I want to love you, but I know that is not possible.

Not while you're with him.

Not while I suffer in silence.

Not until, I can hold you and love you the way I want to .

Peach. That's how your lips tasted. Along, with the red wine and the mixing of our saliva. I'll never forget our kiss. I could never forget the lustful look in your eyes or the soft touch of your hand on my cheek. I'll never forget how I cried when you left. How the pain seemed to consume me. It felt like a thousand knives stabbing me at once.

But I still loved you.

Despite the pain.

Despite my brain saying no.

Despite everything, my heart said yes.

You came back after three months. Another one of annual movie nights. This night was the same as before. We drank until we were drunk and laughed until our stomach's bursted. We had fun. And for, the slightest moment, I felt okay. No pain. No fear. No anger. Just happiness. 

And then, you kissed me again.

And then, everything came back. The pain, the fear, the anger flooded me. But again, shock and happiness took over. I kissed you back and I didn't regret it. At least, not then.

There was , there ws groaping, lustful sighs. Everything, felt so right and perfect. By the time my shirt was off, we were laying on the couch. You were over me, kissing and marking every inch of my body. I wanted you. I wanted you so bad but then, even then, I still couldn't have you.

"M-min."

You moaned his name. 

I was forced to come to the realization that we were both drunk.  It wouldn't be fair to either of us if I let this continue. You were confused when I pushed you away, tried to follow me back to my room, but I told you to stay on the couch. For the rest of the night, you slept in the living room and I cried myself to sleep.

Maybe you remembered what happened that night, maybe you didn't, but the next morning you weren't there. I didn't leave the house that day. I was too humiliated. How could I have let my guard down? How could I have been so stupid? To have let myself be drawn into you like that, I disappointed myself.

 The last time we met, was your birthday dinner. All of your friends and family were there. Your boyfriend was there to. This was the first time I'd ever saw him. I see why you liked him Kyu. He was nice, he was pretty, he was everything I wasn't. And maybe, that's why you liked him, so you wouldn't have to deal my annoying self. 

After dinner everyone left, we sat on your couch and we just talked. You never did mention if you remembered our  esescapade. I didn't ask. 

It was late when I told you I loved you.  Around twelve.  Like before,  we lay on the couch cuddled in blankets.  You had your arms around me, and you head against my chest.  Again, everything was perfect. 

"I love you." it came out as awhisper, but you heard. 

"I love you too. " you said. I shook my head and pushed you away. "That's not what I meant. You love me in a brotherly way. I see you as much more than that." 

 I tried reaching out for you, pushed me away.

'That's not possible.' you said.

"But it is." I tried to take your hand,  you flinched away.

I don't know if you noticed,  but there were tears in my eyes. "Please. Kyu, let's talk about this."  the more I advanced, the more you backed away. With step you took, my heart broke more. I could hear the cracking of my 4 chambers. My legs weakened and my hands shook.

"I think you should leave." you said.

I left that night with a shattered heart.