Warm. There was no other or better word than that to describe waking up with Yunho for Jaejoong. He was so used to being cold, that cold was almost familiar, as if feeling comfortable and safe was the exception and not the rule.

Jaejoong knew in a few minutes Yunho’s phone would blast to announce it was time to wake up and he knew there would be a talk he didn’t want to have. The talk he avoided the night before by embracing Yunho with tears in his eyes. His former leader knew the cue, making love sometimes could convey the unspoken words better. It was easier to expose your thoughts after feeling someone’s love, their bodies responding to you, their eyes worshipping you, you need to lose a bit of the fear that laces your thoughts to let them out. Knowing they loved each other made some fear subside, just enough to speak up. They promised communication, the lack of it took from them one too many things.

Instead of letting an annoying sound wake up Yunho, Jaejoong put on a song to play on his phone, soft and sad and…real. Yunho slowly opened his eyes to see Jaejoong looking at him, and God, he loved those eyes.

- Why are you waking me up with this sad song? The room is still a bit dark, it can’t be time to wake up…

- You wanted to talk, let’s talk.

- Ok, I’ll be right back…

Jaejoong watched as Yunho moved to the bathroom and couldn’t avoid biting his lips, he was too gorgeous, he was always beautiful, but lately it was almost a little hard to breathe when he was around. Jaejoong thought he was lacking in comparison, yet he could remember some hours ago Yunho looking at him as if he wouldn’t desire anyone different.

When Yunho came out of the bathroom minutes later, waist down wrapped in a towel and hair dripping water Jaejoong couldn’t help a small sigh coming from himself followed by Yunho’s teasing smile.

- You make it really hard for me!

- I thought hard was good.

- Yunho-yah…   

- I’m sorry, it’s just that you look so beautiful in the morning, but your eyes look sad still and I don’t like it. Sometimes when you look like this I don’t wanna talk about anything, I just want to hold you because it feels like you are waiting for a reason to leave me.

- I love you so much, I would never leave you, yet I know what you are going to say and I can’t help but feeling sad. So, don’t torture me, just say what you need to say.

Yunho sat by the bed across Jaejoong and took a deep breathe, he looked down, because looking at his lover to say things he didn’t want to say to someone who didn’t want to hear was too hard. Sometimes he wondered how long he could break tiny pieces of Jaejoong and expect him not to walk away forever.

- They keep telling me to control you…that your unfiltered mannerism is giving us trouble, causing fans confusion and problems that reflect on our popularity.

- ‘Our popularity’ - Jaejoong scoffed at the words. It was hard to hear a phrase that joined Yunho, Changmin, SM and AVEX and excluded him, and made him someone who is contrary to the people he loved. Sometimes he tried to look for the reason why it was harder for him to accept this than it was for Yoochun and Junsu, a reason that didn’t include his relationship with Yunho, but he knew better than that

- Jaejoong please, you know what I mean. You keep giving hints and evidences and making them too obvious sometimes, I know we said this would be a good thing so we can protect a possibility for the future, but when it gets too much it causes this chain effect that we can’t control. You know even I have my limits in complying to SM’s demands, but I need to understand why you do it so I can be by your side with confidence.

It seemed to take Jaejoong all his strength to form the words that came next, Yunho could see the tears forming in his eyes and his body shrinking a bit on himself. The TVXQ leader couldn’t help but feel a wave of self-hatred.

- Our love is in a cage. You are here, you look at me, you talk to me and you make love to me and I can’t possibly feel more loved than I am in that moment. Between 4 walls you are everything I need, all I want. But the moment you put on your shoes and walk out the door, or I have to leave and hide us from the world, your love for me vanishes.

This time Yunho got up and walked to the other side of the bed, he took Jaejoong’s hand in his and he held back a tear himself.

- I still love you everywhere I go, Jaejoong. I can barely remember a moment of my life where I didn’t love you, or that my love for you wasn’t the one thing who took more room in my heart.

- You don’t understand... Living like this, it might be enough for you, but I want more, I want to love like people do. When they ask me who is my type I want to mention your name and when they ask me if I’m taken, I want to say yes and smile because I’m happy, I want them to know it’s you. I want to walk around the streets and feel our love because it’s in every person who knows we love each other.

Yunho was crying now, Jaejoong was a paradox, he was so transparent and unfiltered, but he kept the most beautiful parts of him hidden, he didn’t know how to be insincere, but there were always more than the things on surface. His caring nature obligated him to be strong, strong for everyone else, and to appear strong sometimes you have to keep your soul in a safe place. When he crumbled, when he bared his heart sincerely to be seen, judged and poked and Yunho was there to witness, he felt blessed, he would never know enough of Jaejoong’s soul and not crave more and more. He was looking in the shorter singer’s eyes now while he listened.

- I want our love to be free and I know all the consequences of it, I know why we can’t and what would cost to us and the people we love. So, all I can do is place our love here and there, in charades, in silly associations, in riddles and memories. I need our love to live someplace beyond these walls. I need to plant these feelings on people so I can feel back when I’m out there without you and I’m so lonely and I miss you, and I won’t let anyone take this away from me, not even you, specially not them.

- Jae…I knew this was important to you, but I…I have to be honest I didn’t know it was important for this reason. I won’t take this from you, I won’t let anyone take this from you, but I need you to know something too. I love you. God, I love you so much I’m not sure how it’s possible. Every time I have to leave you I hurt, I can physically feel my heart tight in my chest and this part of my brain screams to me I should be glued on you at all times, as if leaving your side is the most irrational thing. And then when I gather my strength and I’m away from this door or I feel strong enough to move from the bed where you left me, my goal is to be someone you can still love from afar. I want to scream your name for the world too, not really because of the same reasons you do, but simply because sometimes my love for you has a mind of its own and it wants to celebrate the simple fact it exists. I love you in everything I do, I love you when I give my best on stage because I want everyone specially you to be proud and I want my work and my dedication to help you lead JYJ. I love you when I care about Changmin’s health because I know this is always on your mind. I even love you when I buy him bread because I know you would kill me if I didn't, so I love Changmin for the both of us. I love you when I avoid talking about the group and lawsuit and the split because we don’t know how that can affect our future whether is together or apart. I love you when I listen to your songs and it’s the only voice it soothes my soul. I love you when I see a child and I know how great you are with them. I love you when I force myself to rest even though sleeping without you is hell, because I know I need to be strong for you to expect you to take care of yourself too. Our love is on everything I do and think and say, everywhere I go. I need you to never forget this. I love you even when I hate us for being in this situation.

Warm. That was the only word Yunho thought of to describe the kiss they were sharing. The leader would be late to leave. But they hope this time, the love they carried beyond those walls would be enough to break the cold of their situation.

Do you remember when we were two beautiful birds?
We would light up the sky when we'd fly
You were orange and red, like the sun when it sets
I was green as an apple's eye

You said you loved all the songs that I'd sing
Like nothing that you'd ever heard
And I said I loved you with all of my heart when
We were two beautiful birds

Do you remember when we were two beautiful birds?
We would sing when the morning would come
You were silver and blue, like the moon when it's new
I was gold as a summer sun

But one day you asked for a different song
One that I just couldn't sing
I got the melody sharp and the words all wrong
Those were the last days of spring...

To build a nest, we pecked feathers from our chests
Like a book tearing out every page
We weren't to know that these feathers would grow
Into a beautiful cage...

(Passenger feat. Birdy - Beautiful Birds)