*Another long chapter ahead :))*

Like the last thing Jinyoung saw before he fell asleep, the first thing he saw right after he opened his face was also Jaebum’s face, staring at him with a gentle smile. A second later, though, that face was hidden by the pillow.

“Why are you hiding?” Jinyoung asked, voice thick from sleep.

“My face must be swelling so bad, I cried too much last night. I look so ugly right now.”

If Jinyoung was still half asleep before, that statement woke him up. He bursted up in laughter. “Wow, I really didn’t expect you to whine about that.”

“Everyone wants to look perfect before the person they like. I’m just the same.”

Jinyoung felt the muscles on his face softened into a smile. He raised his hand to the back of the other’s head, feeling the soft threads of hair flowed between his fingers. “Don’t worry, you look alright. Now look at me, okay? I want to see your face.”

For a few seconds it seemed like Jaebum wasn’t going to do it. However, though hesitant, his head slowly turned toward Jinyoung.

“See, you look alright, aside from your eyes that got even smaller than before. Are you sure your eyes are opened?”

“Ugh, shut up,” Jaebum groaned, and Jinyoung laughed. When his laughter finally dissipated, silence engulfed the room, but he didn’t mind. He took his time watching the other’s face, and he could see Jaebum doing the same. He would never get tired of that beautiful face, sculpted into perfection and he thanked God for that.

“Did you take off your contact lenses?” Jaebum asked.

“Yeah. Who wears contact lenses to sleep? You shouldn’t.”

“It’s so upsetting.”

Jinyoung furrowed his eyebrows, confused. “Why?”

“It’s the first time I see your eyes without lenses and I can’t even see it clearly. I’m so mad.”

Jinyoung’s heart tugged, but he still tried to force out what he hoped to be a reassuring smile. “Don’t worry, I’ll show it to you whenever you want after you get better,” he said, patting the slightly sunken cheek. “Now, the first thing you have to do is eating. You’ve lost too much weight. What do you want to eat?”

Jaebum’s eyes sparkled. “Are you going to cook for me?”

“If it’s something simple, then yes, though it won’t be as tasty as your cooking.”

“How about kimchi fried rice?”

“Alright. Now let’s get up. Wash yourself as I cook, okay?”

“Yes mom,” he said teasingly. Jinyoung pinched his cheek and he yelped, though it still didn’t erase the grin formed by his mouth. Satisfied from the revenge, Jinyoung’s hand moved to untie his other hand, and he saw the other’s face fell.

“Do you really have to untie that?” Jaebum asked quietly. Jinyoung couldn’t help a fond smile spread across his face. Jaebum always came off as dependable and caring in front of him. He felt like he was the only one needing the other, like he was the only one being taken care of. He felt like he started to become dependant to Jaebum, while he couldn’t do anything for the other, useless. That was part of the reason why he didn’t have the confidence that Jaebum would stay with him. And although he knew he shouldn’t feel that way because Jaebum being like that because he was feeling weak after all that happened to him, he was happy since Jaebum started to show his neediness toward him. He ruffled the fluffy raven hair, affection filled his heart.

“How can I cook when I could barely move one of my hand? I’m not a good cook even with both hand, how am I supposed to be one only with one hand?”

Jaebum snorted. “Stop touching my hair, I haven’t wash it since my mother went home and there’s no one to help me with that. It must’ve felt gross.”

Jinyoung chuckled because despite saying that, Jaebum still leaned into his touch. “It’s not at all. Do you want me to help you wash your hair after we eat?”

Jaebum’s eyes brightened. “Really? You don’t mind?”

“Of course. Now, be a good boy and wait while I cook for you, okay?”

Jaebum nodded, and Jinyoung continued to untie their hands. However, as soon as the piece of cloth was taken off, Jinyoung was surprised when Jaebum laced his fingers with his. He then gave the other a look. But the receiver only grinned and tugged him up.

“Come on, I’m so hungry,” Jaebum said. Jinyoung could only sighed and followed him out of the room.

--

Jinyoung’s heart couldn’t seem to be still since he took a step into the bathroom after the slightly salty breakfast. In that cramped space, Jaebum’s presence overfilled the room, made him overly conscious of the other. He never expected this when he made the offer, since he was used to Jaebum invading his personal space, so he didn’t know it would be completely different. He avoided Jaebum’s gaze, too overwhelmed to meet those dark eyes.

“Um, so how should we do it?” Jaebum asked, breaking the tightening silence.

“Oh, yeah, I think we should be doing it on the tub rather than the sink, it would be more comfortable for you. Wait a second.”

He got into the tub and sat on the edge of the side affixed to the wall, and put the thick folded towel he was bringing on the side opposite to him, covering the blunt edge.

“There, you can sit on the floor and rest your neck here.”

Jaebum followed his instruction while he rolled his sleeves. Once he was settled, Jinyoung took the shower head and turn on the water, testing the temperature with his hand. Only after it finally felt lukewarm he started wetting Jaebum’s hair, one hand carding through the locks to make sure it got washed evenly. He told the other to close his eyes so water and shampoo wouldn’t get into them. He relaxed slightly as he did, glad to have an excuse to avoid Jaebum’s gaze.

When he thought the hair was wet enough, he squeezed out an adequate amount of shampoo on his hand after turning off the tap. He could hear Jaebum sighed as soon as he started to gently massaging his head.

“Your hands feel nice,” he said, “my mother always put too much strength when she did it, like she was about to turn my head into some mashed potato. Thank God the nurse spared me from getting my head cracked open by taking the matter into her hands until it was completely healed.”

Jinyoung laughed, reminded of the way Jaebum’s mother crushed his bones whenever she hugged him. The laughter faded away when his gaze met the others. Their eyes was on the same level, and their face was close enough he swore he could see his own reflection on those captivating onyx beads that took his breath away. Jaebum’s hand reached up to the back of his head, slowly pulling him closer and closer. He knew that if he pushed Jaebum away he would feel hurt, so he only clenched his eyes shut, waiting for what might come in anticipation and agitation.

He wanted to kiss Jaebum, he really do. God, he even long for it. Yet he wasn’t sure if it weally okay to do that. He was guilty of was too many things to Jaebum, and he got off too easily. Jaebum didn’t get angry and even asking him to come back. At the moment, he was taking advantage of Jaebum’s vulnerable state so he could stay by his side. Was it alright for him to just bask himself in Jaebum’s love when he didn’t deserve even a little bit of it? He felt like if he just accepted it, he would be guilt-ridden for his whole life.

Just a centimeter more and their lips would touch, Jaebum’s breath warm against his skin, but suddenly the soft pressure behind his head disappear. The hand that was there slid to his cheek, fingers brushing it tenderly and bringing his face slightly further back. When he opened his eyes, they were already on the same eye level again. He stared at Jaebum confusedly when he chuckled.

“You don’t have to be so tense, you know. Do you intend to rip my hair off of my head? You tug on it so hard.”

Only then Jinyoung realized what he had done and pulled his hands away from Jaebum’s hair, and his face from the hand. “I-I’m sorry,” he stuttered.

“It’s okay,” Jaebum smiled, “we better finished this fast because it’s getting cold here and my neck started to hurt.”

“Alright.”

Jaebum closed his eyes again while Jinyoung continued to apply shampoo on the other’s hair and massaging his scalp, none of them talked. The silence was suffocating that Jinyoung racked his head to look for a topic to talk about. Suddenly he remembered that he had a part time job later at noon. How should he break it to Jaebum? How would he react?

“Um, Jaebum?”

“Hm?”

“I have part time job after this, and I can’t possibly go there with this ragged clothes, right? So I need to grab some clothes before that, and I also need to get my things from there anyway. Are you going to be okay alone?”

Jinyoung nervously waited for Jaebum’s answer. However, what came out from his mouth was another question.

“Where were you staying all this time?”

“I was staying with a friend.”

“Who is this friend?”

“Wonpil is my highschool friend, like Jackson. He also works at the same place as me since his uncle owns the restaurant. He’s the one who helped me getting a job there. That’s why I can’t skip. I don’t want to let them down.”

Jinyoung waited anxiously again for Jaebum’s response. He seemed to be thinking. Only after Jinyoung turned the faucet again and started rinsing his hair he started talking again.

“How about I lend you my clothes? You can get your things after work so you don’t have to bring them to your workplace. Isn’t that better?”

Jinyoung didn’t need much time to make decision. “Yeah, you’re right. I’ll count on you then. Don’t give me clothes with ridiculous color just because I don’t know, okay? If I feel people staring at me or hear them cackling I will run back home and burn all your clothes so you would walk in everywhere.”

Jaebum guffawed so much he almost curled up that Jinyoung had to grab his chin to keep him in place. “Hey, don’t move around! I haven’t finished rinsing your hair yet!”

“Sorry,” Jaebum said in between his laughter. He smirked mischievously. “So you want to see me ? You don’t have to go that far, you know, you can just ask me. I’ll show you anytime.”

It roasted Jinyoung’s face hot. “You know that’s not what I mean!”

“Just admit it, don’t be shy~”

Well, it wasn’t that Jinyoung didn’t want to see it, but it would be long before he admitted it. For the moment, he wouldn’t let Jaebum away easily with embarrassing him. He shifted the shower head slightly and sprayed Jaebum’s face. Surprised, he spat and turn around, blinking and gasping, water dripping from his hair and face. It was Jinyoung’s turn to burst up in laughter, satisfied with his sweet revenge.

“You…” Jaebum about to say something, but Jinyoung cut him down with dropping a towel on his head.

“Just be quiet, okay?” he said, rubbing the excess water from Jaebum’s hair, then patting his face dry. He obeyed by staying silent throughout the process, but not without a pout. Jinyoung chuckled at the sight, dragging him up and out of the bathroom. He sat the sulking man on the sofa, and went to his room. He appeared bringing the dryer he left, not bothering to come back and get it since he could just borrow Wonpil’s back then. He plugged it and turn it on. Buzzing sound filled the room, warm air blew from the nozzle, sweeping the locks of hair aside. Jinyoung’s hand carded through them, flipping them over and back again.

“I never knew you have such a wide forehead. That’s cool. Why don’t you style your hair up? You always just let it fall flat on your forehead.”

“It’s a bother since it gets all rigid and take too much time. Why, do you have a toward wide forehead?”

Jinyoung wouldn’t fall for it this time, so instead of blushing he just shrugged. “I might or I might not. I just think you would look good in that hairstyle,” Jinyoung said, turning the dryer off and patting the hair. “There, I’m finished. Now show me the clothes you’re going to lend me.”

“Alright, alright.” Jaebum disappeared into his room and showed up a few minutes later with an oversized hoodie. Jinyoung sighed at the sight.

“I forgot that your wardrobe is only consisted of hoodies, sweatshirts, and t-shirts,” he said. Jaebum rolled his eyes.

“Well, sorry that my clothes aren’t up to your neat and clean taste. So, are you going to wear it or not?”

“I will, I will,” Jinyoung said, taking the hoodie from the other’s hand. He took off his unwearable outer shirt and put the hoodie on. It snugged way too loosely on his body, very much unlike his usual clothes. But it’s warm and so comfortable, he understood why Jaebum liked to wear things like that. He might even buy one after this. One bonus of this hoodie was it smelled like its owner, and he tried hard to hold back from sniffing it.

“It’s too big for me,” he said.

“Well, it’s called oversized for a reason. You look cute though,” Jaebum responded nonchalantly. Before Jinyoung’s cheeks had the chance to blush, he tried to change the topic.

“What color is it?”

“Violet.”

Jinyoung furrowed his eyebrow. “Violet? What kind of color is it? I know of a flower by that name, but I didn’t know it’s also a name of a color.”

“Yeah, the name was taken from that flower. You might know purple better. It’s quite similar, most people mistook violet as purple. It’s funny that just like the flower that hides behind its leaves, the color is most difficult for the human eye to distinguish.”

Jinyoung sank himself on the couch beside the other. “So, what’s the difference?”

“There’s a thing called spectral colors. It consists of seven colors. You can say that when they weave together, they will form a white light. So when you say the bright light washes your eyes with white, it actually consists of those colors together. Violet is one of them. While purple is a color made by combining red and blue. So that’s the difference, theoretically.”

Jinyoung nodded, lost in his thought, trying to process the explanation. At the same time, his heart twinged at the enthusiasm Jaebum shown when he talked about things related to painting. He felt a gaze directed at him, and he turned around to meet Jaebum’s amused smile. He raised his eyebrows, asking in silence.

“I was wondering why do you suit the color so much. Is it because you got shy easily just like violet flower that’s always hide? Then I remembered that back in the Renaissance Era, angels were often portrayed wearing violet robes. I’m just thinking maybe you’re one of them, that’s why.”

That time Jinyoung couldn’t hold himself back anymore. Maybe smoke puffed out from the top of his head from how much his face heated up.

“Aww~ Is our Jinyoung shy?” Jaebum teased with annoying intonation, bumping his healthy shoulder to Jinyoung’s. Why did he has to like someone who loved to embarrass him so much?

“You really like it, don’t you?” he scowled at Jaebum.

Jaebum tugged his arm, grinning. “I do. You’re so adorable, that’s why. Don’t be mad~”

Jinyoung sighed. “I need to go now. Don’t wander around by yourself, okay?”

Jaebum nodded, his smile dropped a bit. “You’re going to come back, right?”

“Of course. I’ve promised you, right?” Jinyoung the soft dark hair gently.

Jaebum slipped his hand on his waist, forehead digging his shoulder.

“I’ll wait.”

--

Jinyoung opened the door, dragging a huge suitcase with him. It was way earlier than it was supposed to be since he only did half of his shift. Wonpil scolded him for coming to work when he should’ve been taking care of Jaebum. The usually soft-spoken man kicked him out of the workplace as soon as he got a replacement for him. He even said not to bother coming to work until next week because he would kick him out again if he did. What a rude friend.

He put the suitcase beside the couch and looked around. He called for Jaebum’s name, but there was no sign of the owner’s presence. He went to Jaebum’s room, yet he wasn’t here either. He started to get panicked. He took out his phone and called him. He waited through the static beeping sound only to get answered by an answering machine. Anxiety started crawling up his spine. Where was Jaebum? Did something happened to him? His imagination turned worse with every minute spent not getting any answers from those questions. Fortunately before he made a big fuss by calling Jackson or even worse, the police, a chat message rang his phone. His breath halted when Jaebum’s name showed up with his message.

I’m at the playground in the neighborhood if you’re looking for me.

Jinyoung quickly rushed out of the apartment. He knew there was a playground nearby, but he never went there. Luckily he remembered where it was, so he found the place easily. He panted from running when he arrived, and sighed in relief with a tinge of worry when he saw the familiar figure sitting at the top of a slide that stuck out from a small platform surrounded by fence. He closed in and Jaebum beamed a faint smile at him.

“You’re here.”

“What are you doing up here? What if you fall when your arm hasn’t even healed yet? I’ve told you not to wander around by yourself, haven’t I?”

“Sorry,” Jaebum said. Jinyoung could only sigh. He looked around. The playground was void, there was only the two of them there. He climbed the ladder and sat back to back with Jaebum. He smiled fondly when his eyes found a bunch of violet flowers under a tree, remembering their conversation before.

“Do you come here often?”

“Yeah, since I move here. I always come here whenever I need to think or got stuck.”

Jinyoung twisted his back to take a glance at the other. “So, what did you think about?”

Jaebum raised his face, looking at the sky. “I thought you wouldn’t come back.”

Jinyoung frowned. “But…”

“You’ve promised me, I know,” he said, cutting Jinyoung off. “I just can’t make myself to truly believe it, no matter how much I wanted to. I even make you borrow my clothes so you hopefully have a bigger reason to come back, though it don’t really matter if it’s turned back or not. But I just can’t seem to be at ease. And waiting for someone you don’t know going to come or not in a confined space is suffocating, so I come here. Pathetic, isn’t I? And that pathetic me is clinging to you, guilt-tripping you, and asking you to act like you care about me, and you do it very well. Thank you. You don’t know how grateful I am to have you by my side since last night.”

Jinyoung was so stunned. Why did Jaebum tormented himself with such a thoughts? The sorrow in front of him stung both his eyes and his heart. “That’s not an act, I really care about you. You’re not pathetic, Jaebum, stop saying that. And you do nothing wrong, I do everything by my own will.”

“You might be, but it’s out of guilt, not love. I know for sure you don’t love me with how you tensed up when I’m about to kiss you. So I sat here and thought about your sudden change of attitude when you seemed to accept me at first. Then it came to me that the most possible explanation is maybe you found someone else you really love.”

Jinyoung’s mouth could only gaped at the ridiculous guess. “What are you talking about?”

“You don’t have to pretend anymore, Jinyoung, it’s okay of you do. I shouldn’t impose myself on you anymore, forcing you to stay with someone you don’t love. You don’t need to do that anymore. You’re free to go wherever you want. Thanks for going along with my selfishness all this time, Jinyoung.”

Suddenly Jinyoung felt angry. He was frustrated by the misunderstanding, by how such an amazing person like Jaebum deride himself so hard, as if everything was his fault when it was all Jinyoung’s. He didn’t care anymore. If revealing the shameful truth was the only way to stop this, he will do it. He couldn’t have Jaebum tormenting his own self further. So he climbed down the ladder, went to the front of the slide, and pulled Jaebum down the slide by his ankle. It was a little bit dangerous, but Jinyoung was just too upset to think, only acting on impulse. The yelp from Jaebum’s mouth was silenced by his lips, their teeth bumped against each other but he didn’t care. He didn’t mind his jeans getting dirtied from kneeling on the ground. His hands was gripping the front of Jaebum’s sweatshirt tightly, pushing him as he leaned forth until the other was reclined on the flat surface of the slide.

When he finally pulled himself back, he was met with Jaebum’s surprised and confused face. He hauled the other up and brought him home in his hand without any fight. As soon as the door closed, Jinyoung pinned Jaebum against the wall and their lips collided again. They mingled in such a messy way, Jinyoung being not the most experienced kisser out there and Jaebum too dazed and out of it to lead. Jinyoung was desperate for way too many things he didn’t know anymore. Suddenly he felt himself being shoved away, and they were separated. For a moment the only sound was the pants of their breath, Jaebum avoiding the gaze Jinyoung fixed on him.

“What… what are you doing? Why do you do that?”

Jinyoung took Jaebum’s healthy hand in his. “What else? Of course it’s because I love you.”

The confession brought Jaebum’s eyes to finally meet his, widen with surprise, confusion, and disbelief. Before the stunned man managed to say anything, he continued.

“Although I didn’t know your face then, I’ve fallen for your kindness since you helped me that time at the corridor. Why else would I put so much effort to find that stupid hat’s owner? I wanted to put a face to the first person I fell with. Then you showed up in front of this door, and I kept falling deeper and deeper for you since then even when I knew I shouldn’t.”

“But why? Why do you think that way? Am I not good enough?”

Jinyoung shook his head. “You’re way too good for me, and I’m a coward, that’s why. Right now you’re just being deluded by your first love, the teenage me you know nothing about. If it were the current me you’ve already knew everything about that you meet first, you wouldn’t love me.”

Jaebum stared at him in disbelief. “What? What makes you think I wouldn’t?”

“You live in a world too far apart from me Jaebum. We’re not suited for each other. Take painting for example. Painting is your life, Jaebum. And look at me, I’m even worse than people who couldn’t understand paintings, Jaebum. I can’t see colors. I can never see the amazing arts you create. I can never see the thing that makes you alive. I can never see the cause that makes you you. And someday, when you understand that, and no longer deluded, you would leave me. Now, I even took away that from you. I wonder why you haven’t hated me yet.” Jinyoung averted his eyes from Jaebum, afraid of what he would see on the dark orbs.

“That’s why I tried so hard not to fall for you, and when I realized that I have failed, I tried to stay away from you. I love you too much. If you decide you don’t love me and leave me, I’ll break. So I left you when you still believe you love me. That’s the person I really am, Jaebum, selfish and coward. I’m far from the angel you think I am.” That was it. He had laid it all bare in the open. He just need to wait for the verdict to fall upon him.

Jaebum pulled his hand away, leaving Jinyoung’s grasping the empty air. He could feel his heart shattered into pieces. Well, what did he expect? Jaebum to still be with him even after knowing how ugly he was? He was too immersed in his self-mockery that he jolted in surprise when a warm hand brushed against his cheeks.

“Don’t cry,” Jaebum said, wiping his damp cheek, and only then he realized that he had been crying all along. The hand slid to his neck and pulled his head to rest on a wide shoulder, his hair tenderly. He brought them inside and sat them on the couch.

“It’s true that I first interested in you because you’re my first love. But it doesn’t mean that’s all there to it. Back then, I kept wondering what kind of person you are, whose heart soft enough to give so much consideration toward a stray cat’s feeling. Whose smile so beautiful it rivaled the moon. The you back then was too flawless. He was my angel because he felt surreal, cold, untouchable. It was like loving a celestial being.”

Jaebum pulled away a little bit to look at Jinyoung right in the eyes, smiling softly. “Then you appeared again in front of me, warm, with many flaws, but that perfected you as much as your virtues are, a human with flesh and blood. Those flaws makes me want to take care of you in a way I never felt before, filling me up with so much affection I never had before. I fall in love for the second time, in a way I never did before, with the human you.”

“Everyday since I live together with you, those feelings only grow more and more without a rest. And I see the even bigger proof of your soft-heartedness. I love the way you take care of everyone around you, me, and my family. I love how you seemed to always enjoy all my cooking. My heart swells with infatuation whenever you clapped so hard after my performance, proud and happy for me. Adoration overflows within me everytime I manage to make you blush. I feel calm and in peace when you’re by my side. I know you’re afraid to get hurt, hence why you kind of isolating yourself from the others, and that makes me want to protect you with all my might. You’re my angel because of your kindness, your serenity, your beautiful heart. You will always be my angel no matter what, and I love you so much.”

At that point, Jinyoung was already a sobbing mess. Jaebum kissed him lightly, then cradled him until he calmed down. When he did, he kissed Jaebum again, slow and deep, this time savoring every second of it.

“You don’t know how much I wanted to kiss you,” he sighed, rubbing his eyes dry from tears.

“Then why do you look like you don’t want to when I’m about to kiss you this morning?”

Jinyoung looked down, fiddling with the hoodie he was wearing. “I was too guilty to accept it. I felt like I was forgiven so easily when I shouldn’t. I made you suffer so much and all I get is your love? I don’t deserve that.”

Jaebum took his hand in his, gently rubbing the back of it with his thumb. “Do you know? Long time ago, violets were used as medicine and aromatherapy. There’s also a saying that if you put them under your pillow you will get a restful night sleep. For me, you’re my medicine. You soothe my anxiety away. You make me feel relaxed and at peace. Last night was the first time I got a deep, long sleep in a while. It’s because you’re with me. You’re my violet, Jinyoung. That’s why you need to repent for your mistake by staying by my side and cure me.”

Jinyoung nodded and sniffled. He looked at the other and said, “What should I do with you, Im Jaebum? You’re so cheesy.”

Jaebum put his arm around Jinyoung’s waist, nuzzling his head on the crook of his neck. “But you still love me anyway.”

Jinyoung sighed, helpless. “I do.”

“Well,” Jaebum pecked his lips and grinned, “I love you too, my violet angel.”

___________________________________________________

P. S. :

So... Look won on music show for the first time! *applause* They really deserve it, and they looked so happy with that ridiculous apple hair and red blush lol. And I'm so excited for Stray Kids' debut! The preview sounded amazing already >w< And I miss Day6's music so much, too used to getting some new ones every month TT But well I guess they deserve to rest so I won't complain too much.

So, back to the story. I actually pondered between purple and violet, but decided on violet anyway. There are so many meanings to violet I want to fit in this chapter, like if you dream of picking a violet that means you fall in love, but it would be too much and forced. So with a heavy heart I had to put them off TT Oh and I think this story is going to get longer again, but I promise you it would only be 12 chapter at most, two chapter more from the intended 10 chapter. There's just so many things I want to tell in this story, and I don't want to just ending this abruptly. Sorry and please bear with me ;D

So, what do you think of this chapter? Sorry that it got too long. Thanks for reading and I hope you like it :))