Jiyong hated how people looked at him, how people saw him like he was a captured lion in a circus. They found him to be mysterious, scary even, they feared him yet loved him for how unique and exquisite he was. Because he was different.

But like any captured animal in the circus, he didn’t get to experience the fresh air of freedom.

The idol was trained and shaped into something the audience would be bound to like, he had to watch every step he took and if he made a mistake he was punished, it was as simple as that.

Yes, Jiyong really felt like he was a piece of a damn exhibition or something. Ever since he was a small kid he was exposed to the public eye and while it all had pretty and glorious perks it also had its downsides. 

One of them, for sure, was the expectations people had in him. He was one of Asia’s most successful idols, if not the most successful, and it could wear down on a twenty-eight year old, petite guy like him. He could deal well with criticism and hate didn’t get to him, at least to a certain point, but if that line was crossed and everything came crashing down on him, he would simply crumble under the pressure.

You see, Jiyong’s mental health had never been the best and as the years went by it definitely didn’t get better. He had, even to this day, different phases of meltdowns with some of them repeating while others only happened once or twice. Phases of depression, anorexia, self harm and even suicide attempts were reoccurring while phases of taking drugs and bringing himself in dangerous situations, like speeding or walking on the edge of a tall building, weren’t as common.

He wasn’t stable, yet he knew that he never got it the worst either. His cases of anorexia and self harm were never that bad he thought and only lasted for a rather short period of time until he got himself together again. At first he didn’t even realize how and why he was feeling the way he did, one day he was happy and healthy and before he knew it he was underweighted and in an emotionless void of grey. After some time it would go away and he would continue like nothing happened only for it to repeat itself. It had been nearly six years until Jiyong connected his mental instability with the stress and pressure of his job. Obviously he knew why he tried to kill himself in the past, for that he had specific reasons like that damn scandal when everyone told him to commit suicide. At that time he felt it was the only reasonable thing to do. But depression and anorexia? Self harm? It just somehow happened to him.

Luckily Jiyong had always had a guardian angel, a savior called Seungri.

That boy had entered his life before he even knew it and turned it around upside down. The leader had always respected Seungri but he started to really look up to him when he realized just how strong the younger was; so strong in fact, that he could not just carry his own weight, but that of Jiyong as well.

Seungri wasn’t just the new boy that had joined the same band as Jiyong, the older quickly learnt that his maknae was, even at his young age, a freaking genius with solutions to every problem and an extremely optimistic personality that the rest of the group lacked. It didn’t just bring the band far in their career, it also kept Jiyong alive. Literally.

The leader was prone to mental breakdowns in all varieties of graveness but somehow Seungri always minimized the damage for his leader. If Jiyong was sad, suddenly Seungri would be there with a box of tissues, ice cream and encouraging words. If Jiyong was scared, Seungri would take him in his arm, giving his leader the security and warmth he needed. When Jiyong was angry, furious even, Seungri would stay quiet and let the older rant his heart out until nothing was left but an exhausted, fragile body that soon would be wrapped in a soft blanked.

Obviously he couldn’t magically make his problems disappear, but for the time being it was always enough.

Jiyong was already more than impressed with the other’s skills of knowing exactly what he needed but what really surprised him was what else his maknae had learnt.

Well, it wasn’t all too rare that Jiyong had panic attacks or anxiety attacks, it wasn’t that often either but they did happen and mostly in the worst situations, like that one time when Bigbang was on world tour and he stood on stage. It happened so fast, he couldn’t leave in time. 

But somehow Seungri had seen and known what to do immediately. 

He quickly walked over to Jiyong - Youngbae was singing at that time - but tried not attract any attention. The rapper had turned away from the crowd when he heard the familiar sound of rushing in his ears. His breathing and heartbeat quickened but he didn’t really realize as he felt like he was suffocating, fearing to faint. He couldn’t concentrate enough to leave the stage, his vision was blurred anyways, but he did try hard to catch his breath, which to him seemed impossible at that time. He was afraid, he was actually scared to die in that moment, scared to suffocate to death. He didn’t know where he was anymore and started panicking in a way he never had before when suddenly he felt two hands gently pushing him. After a while he heard a soft ’Take a deep breath.’ and Jiyong wanted to tell that person that he couldn’t but before he had even finished his thought the voice said ’Take a deep breath through your nose into your stomach and breath out through your nearly closed lips. Push the air out as strong as you can.’. 

And Jiyong did.

And he did it again.

He didn’t know how