"Do you have a problem with me?" 

Baekhyun is taken aback by the question. 

Chanyeol continues. "Or do you have a problem with the other boys? You've been distancing yourself from us for a few weeks now and it's driving me mad because I literally cannot come up with a single reason that could've made you hate us as much as you do right now. You never talk to us nowadays and you haven't even given us a single reason to why you can't be bothered to hang out with us anymore. We've been trying so hard to figure out why you turned so cold all of a sudden, but to no avail." 

"It's not like that, I-", Baekhyun tries to say but Chanyeol cuts him off, seemingly letting weeks of bottled up anger out on him.

"Then tell us, Baek! Tell me. I honestly don't think I deserve to have you ignoring all my calls and messages. I've been nothing but nice to you all this time we've known each other. Jesus Christ, you even know more stuff about me than I myself do! And I know enough stuff about you to write a ing novel. So why? Why won't you tell me about what's bothering you lately? Because it so much to see you withering away by yourself without asking for help from any of us, your friends of years." Chanyeol's chest is heaving up and down when he finishes talking.

Baekhyun's heart is bleeding. 

"I'm just... wrong," is all he manages to whisper through his dry lips. 

The confused and broken look on Chanyeol's face makes everything worse. "What do you mean you're 'wrong'? You're not wrong, Baekhyun. But I don't think you're alright either." 

"I can't explain because even I don't know why I am like this, why this always happens." How is he supposed to retell the whole story of his scarred childhood to Chanyeol who doesn’t even seem aware of that people are able to feel more things than happiness and joy. Besides, retelling the whole story will only open old wounds, wounds that his family and old therapist had helped him heal many years ago. 

Chanyeol moves closer to Baekhyun, leaning his head slightly forward so that he can look his friend directly in the eyes. "We have all the time in the world, Baekhyun. What do you mean by 'why this always happens'?" 

Is it worth it? Is it worth retelling the whole story to Chanyeol and risk him running away once he realises that Baekhyun is a freak who talks to scary voices inside his own head? To Baekhyun, that is a very simple question to answer. 

"Nothing. Let's just forget about this," is what he answers. 

"No. You listen to me, Byun Baekhyun." 

Baekhyun wishes Chanyeol could stop saying his name out loud. 

Chanyeol continues. "You've already started talking, which is really good. Don't try to shut me out this time. Maybe I can help you?" 

"If educated grown-ups in grey can't help me, then neither can you," Baekhyun states and shies away from his friend's stare. 

"How am I supposed to understand what you're talking about when you're not even trying to make me understand? Who are the people dressed in grey? And why can't they help you?" 

Chanyeol is asking too many questions. Baekhyun can feel his temper rising again. 

"Can you stop with all the questions, please?" He says an octave louder than he'd intended. "You can't just stomp into my home where I'm coping perfectly fine by myself, and then just tell me that I'm not a good friend or whatever! You know, I'd rather you just left me alone instead of coming here and expecting me to fall on my knees and kiss your feet!" The blood is pumping through his veins once he finishes. 

"What the do you mean by that?" Chanyeol yells in response. "I came here because I care about you and because I love you. And all I'm welcomed with is this shell of a man who plays the ing victim without giving any reason whatsoever to why we should feel sorry for him!" 

It feels like Baekhyun's world is turning upside down and there's nothing he can do to stop it. It's too late now. "If you love me, then you should know when to stop intruding on my space! Speaking of which... why the hell did you think that you have the right to call my brother only to talk about me behind my back?" Baekhyun counters and raises to his feet, Chanyeol following his action immediately. 

The older of the two towers over Baekhyun, making him feel even more vulnerable than he already is. 

"Are you even listening to yourself right now, Baek?" The giant asks and furiously drags his fingers through his messy hair. "If you were in your right state of mind you'd understand that I called him to make sure that you were okay. I don't regret calling him, no matter how angry you are at me." 

Baekhyun wants to run five laps around his apartment building and kick at rocks and hit a brick wall with his bare fist and scream until his lungs hurt. He wants to kick and thrash and scream and cry until all the frustration leaves his body. Most of all, he just wants to hit Chanyeol in the face with a chair until that stupid boy shuts up. 

With that in mind, Baekhyun throws himself onto his friend, his slender fingers trying to grab onto Chanyeol's hair but they get stopped by two strong hands. Hands trapped, Baekhyun tries to kick with his legs instead. His knee hits Chanyeol's hip, to which the latter gives in to the pain for half a second, but then straightens his back just as quickly. 

"Get your hands off me!" Baekhyun screams while he continues to kick Chanyeol on his shins, knees, thighs, wherever his short legs can reach. 

After getting hit multiple times, Chanyeol finally gets enough and embraces Baekhyun with his strong arms. He pulls both their bodies to the floor and puts both his legs over Baekhyun's so that the younger can't kick him anymore. But Baekhyun continues to thrash around like a lunatic. 

He screams even louder and uses as much force as possible to get out of Chanyeol's grip, but to no avail. After all, Baekhyun is two heads shorter than his friend, and he's only made of bones and untrained muscles. Chanyeol is made of protein shakes and biceps as hard as a brick wall. 

But Chanyeol lets Baekhyun scream. And Baekhyun screams for a very long time. He doesn't even stop when his own ears start to ring. The bandage on his hand was torn off a long time ago, now lying with the crimson red side facing upwards. His thumb is probably still bleeding, but he doesn't care. Not when he still needs to get out of Chanyeol's strong embrace. 

Stupid Chanyeol who cares about Baekhyun. Stupid Chanyeol who cooks Baekhyun dinner and who runs his fingers through Baekhyun hair when he's just supposed to check if he's got the fever or not. Stupid, stupid Chanyeol who holds Baekhyun even though he just got kicked more times that the younger can count.

Stupid Chanyeol who told Baekhyun that he cares and that he loves him. 

Stupid Baekhyun.

He's so ing stupid and as soon as he realises this, everything breaks down. 

Months of suppressed emotions rise to the surface and it suddenly feels like Baekhyun is suffocated with emotions. He stops thrashing around and forces his body to relax. The tears fall and leave damp marks on his grey cotton shorts before he even notices them coming. Before he knows it, his whole facade crumbles and he shrinks into a tiny ball inside Chanyeol's embrace.

Chanyeol holds him when he breaks down. He holds Baekhyun while he cries and cries until his chest hurts so much that taking a deep breath is one of the most painful things he's felt during the last couple of months. Tears and snot are everywhere, but Chanyeol doesn't seem to mind at all. Instead, he calms the younger by continuously dragging his fingers through the still-damp hair. He rocks them back and forth and whispers into Baekhyun's ears that 'it's okay', and for him to 'just breathe'. 

It helps a lot. A whole lot more than Baekhyun had imagined getting comforted would help. Maybe this is what he'd needed to do in the first place. Just break down and cry and let all his feelings out, instead of bottling up his emotions.

They sit like that for many minutes, maybe even an hour. Time doesn't seem relevant right now. 

At last, Baekhyun opens his mouth to speak. "I'm sorry," is all he manages to say between his shaky breaths. Chanyeol hugs him tighter to his body

"I'm sorry too, for asking so many questions."  

"I shouldn't have lashed out on you like that. I feel like a total ," Baekhyun apologises again after thinking back on his actions. Why the hell did he think kicking his best friend was a good idea? 

Chanyeol shakes his head and then rests his chin on the younger's forehead. "It's okay, Baek. I think it was good for you to just let go of all your emotions for a while. Although, I think I would prefer if we could have a normal conversation after this. You know, just so that you don't end up putting me in a wheelchair or something like that by the end of the day." Baekhyun hits him lightly in the chest with his unharmed hand.

"Shut up and make me a new cup of hot chocolate," Baekhyun hiccups and closes his eyes. 

"Your order is my command." 

As if Baekhyun is as light as a feather, Chanyeol lifts him up and puts him down on the couch. Before he returns to the kitchen with their hot chocolates, he drapes a blanket over his friend and switches the channel to Master Chef Australia. He also makes sure to pick up the dirty bandage and takes it with him to the kitchen to throw it away. 

While the older friend is in the kitchen, Baekhyun has time to clear his thoughts. There's really no point in pushing Chanyeol aways since he's obviously proved that he's not going to leave no matter what Baekhyun tells him. So he might as well try to explain what he's going through, because yes, it that his friends now apparently think that he hates them all, which isn't true at all. So maybe if he explains everything to Chanyeol, everything else will work out as well.

Baekhyun is just starting to doze off when his friend comes back from the kitchen with scalding hot chocolate topped with whipped cream. With him, he's also got a clean sock. Chanyeol sits down beside him and joins him under the blanket. It takes him less time to bandage Baekhyun's thumb this time around. Then they sit like that for a while, just listening to the voices coming from the television. 

"So..." Chanyeol begins, but before he can say anything more, the younger interrupts him.

"I'll tell you everything, whatever you want to know," he says as confidently as he can manage during the circumstances. 

Chanyeol hesitates at first, probably wondering if his friend is going to lash out on him again or not, but then asks the first question. "Can you please, please, tell me why you haven't spoken to us lately?" 

Of course, Baekhyun can tell him that, so that's what he does. He tells Chanyeol about his mood swings - or rather, nonexistent change of moods lately. He tells him about the dark days and the days that aren't that bad. And he makes sure to convince Chanyeol time after time that he and the rest of their friends have nothing to do with why he's not that happy for the time being. His mood is entirely based on the weather outside, and this is what he explains to Chanyeol, even though he might not understand Baekhyun's situation completely. 

"So you mean that we did nothing wrong? Your disappearance is just based on the change of weather and not of something one of us did?"

Baekhyun nods. 

"But, you mentioned that you haven't felt this way in about three years. As far as I'm concerned, autumn and winter come along every year, not just every third year." This is where it gets confusing. Baekhyun has to remind himself that Chanyeol's never felt the same pain and emptiness that he himself got used to while growing up. 

"I understand why you are confused, but even I don't know the answer to that. I guess something triggers this-" Baekyun motions at his whole body with his arms. "And then my body and brain decide to switch my emotions off. Kind of like a light switch. One second I'm all bright and happy, and then the next, I turn into this emotionless creature who I don't know."

"And you've never felt this way during spring or summer?

"Never. My childhood phycologist called it 'seasonal depression', but I don't know about that. I mean, I'm not really depressed after all. Aren't depressed people supposed to, I don't know, self-harm and cry all day?" 

Now that he actually allowed himself to think about his condition, he realises that he maybe isn’t okay after all. He thinks back to three years ago, to the last time he had hurt himself. 

"Okay, maybe I was depressed before. But I'm stronger now, so I don't think I'm depressed this time around." 

Chanyeol puts his right leg over his left so that he can turn to the side and see Baekhyun better. "You do know that you don't have to cry, nor self-harm, to be diagnosed with depression, right? As in a matter of fact, I read that many people who are depressed don't cry at all since they try to not feel anything at all to cope with their pain instead." Chanyeol hands Baekyun a cup of hot chocolate and lets him have a sip before he puts it back on the table.

"But I'm stronger now than I was all those years ago," Baekhyun insists. 

"Strong people do also get sick sometimes, Baekhun. Just look at my father." Baekhyun thinks about Mr Park who always works his off to provide food and money for his family. "He was the whole city's top employee who never failed to do his work. Until the stress got to him one day and he couldn't work for months. His doctor told us that he fell into a depression."

That could've been the reason why Chanyeol was so keen to make Baekhyun talk to him about everything. Perhaps he saw similarities between his father and Baekhyun. It shouldn't come as a surprise that he maybe is depressed again. After all, it feels almost exactly the same as it did three years ago. 

"Seasonal depression... You don't think that school has anything to do with all of this?" Chanyeol asks once he finishes talking about his father. 

"I mean, sure I'm stressed about a couple of essays, but it's nothing too extreme. I really think I'm only feeling this way because of the weather, really. The weather has too much impact on me."

"You're a summer child, perhaps," Chanyeol concludes. 

Baekhyun likes the sound of that. He can already picture himself running on a field of yellow wildflowers, wearing his favourite white t-shirt and the red cap his father used during his baseball days back in college. He can hear the bees buzzing and the leaves rustling. Running alongside him are Chanyeol and Joonmyeon. They're all laughing at something embarrassing that happened on the last day of term. An old man is sitting on a chair by the end of the field, sketchbook in one hand, a charcoal pencil in the other. He's drawing them. Boys of summer.

"Perhaps," Baekhyun agrees and grins for the first time in what feels like forever. 

Chanyeol notices him smiling and quirks his lips upon seeing his friend smile for the first time in a long while. "Why are you grinning like a madman all of a sudden?"

"Just thinking about summer. I can't wait until it will finally get hot outside again." He looks over his shoulder to sneak a glance at the grey sky outside the window. "It's only autumn, but I'm already tired of being cold all the time." 

After that, they sit in silence for a while. Instead of talking, they get immersed in the cooking show on TV. Or at least, Baekhyun tries to focus on the show. It's difficult to focus on something else when you've just opened up about what's been bothering you for many months. He's glad that Chanyeol didn't judge him, though. That instead of running away, he chose to stay with Baekhyun even though he's obviously not well. 

This is the turning point, Baekhyun thinks. He can't hide forever, especially not from his friends. They deserve better than to be ignored, and Baekhyun deserves better than to ignore his own mind and body. 

"By the way, I didn't mean to sound like I know more than you about... depression and all that," Chanyeol says once there's a commercial break. Baekhyun looks up at the boy who's eyebrows are knitted together.  

"What do you mean?" he asks bewildered.

"You know... I just kept asking all those questions and then coming up with possible reasons to why you may feel this way. It's not my intention to make it sound like I know everything about this as if I'm a therapist or anything like that," Chanyeol explains. "I'm just trying to understand you better so that I can help you."

Baekhyun takes Chanyeol's hand under the blanket and squeezes it lightly. "You don't have to apologise. I realise now that you're only doing this to make me feel better. So thank you for staying, even when I treat you like ." He still can't believe he actually kicked Chanyeol earlier. What the hell had he been thinking?

"That's what friends are for," Chanyeol whispers and squeezes back gently. 

It's way past midnight when they decide to stop watching the television. It's pitch black outside and the sound of the wind whistling through the window makes Baekhyun's hair stand on end. Fortunately, Chanyeol is still with him and it doesn't seem like he'll leave anytime soon. It seems like a good idea to skip classes tomorrow.

"Should we skip classes tomorrow?" Chanyeol asks as if he just read Baekhyun's mind.

"Sounds like a plan. I think I should call my brother tomorrow since he's been worried about me." 

Chanyeol throws an arm over the younger's shoulders. "That makes me really happy to hear. I can stay here until tomorrow if you want to, as emotional support," he offers.

Baekhyun thinks about it for a while. Actually, he'd rather have some time by himself tonight to clear his mind. But he stops those thoughts immediately. He's already spent too much time by himself, and that has obviously only made things worse. So it's maybe not a bad idea to have some sleeping company for one night. With those thoughts in mind, he nods and agrees for Chanyeol to stay the night.

They take turns using the bathroom. Chanyeol has stayed at his apartment many times before, so they already have a pattern that works for both of them. One of them brushes their teeth while the other changes into his pyjamas in the bedroom, and then vice versa.

Soon enough, they're both laying side by side in the queen-sized bed. The nightlight is still on since neither one of them feel like sleeping yet. Instead, they just lay there, staring up at the ceiling. Until Chanyeol breaks the silence.

"How's your thumb holding up?" 

Baekhyun looks down on his bandaged hand that's resting on top of the blanket. The throbbing pain disappeared long ago. "It doesn't hurt at all." 

"It might leave a scar if you're unlucky," Chanyeol states and starts to draw a pattern on the bandage with the tip of his finger.

"One more to the collection," Baekhyun huffs. The other boy stops drawing patterns and looks down at him in confusion. 

He might as well expose all his secrets while he's at it. Chanyeol has been nothing but honest since the day they met. It's time for Baekhyun to open up to his best friend too. Kicking the blanket away, Baekhyun sits up and grabs the hem of his cotton shorts. Chanyeol also sits up and looks terrified as the younger removes his shorts from his legs. Baekhyun's still got his boxer briefs on but rolls up the edges so that Chanyeol can see the scars. 

He hates them so much. This is one of the reasons why he never looks at himself in the mirror. He's afraid he might see them and be reminded of what he did to himself all those years ago. 

They're on the inside of his thighs, barely visible unless you come up really close. There are only a few of them, but the scar tissue is thick since he'd cut through the same wound again and again. The fact that he's showing them to Chanyeol is just insane. He's never shown them to anyone besides the therapist that, thankfully, made him quit before he got addicted to it.

The deep intake of breaths from Chanyeol is the only thing that can be heard in the quiet room. He lifts his hand as to touch Baekhyun several times, but always withdraws it before it can reach its target.

Baekhyun feels so exposed, sitting there crossed legged while his best friend's face is barely an arm's length from his crotch. 

Seemingly going through an inner conflict, Chanyeol decides to move closer at last. He lifts his hand once again and looks at Baekhyun for permission, to which the younger nods but shies away with embarrassment.

He doesn't look as Chanyeol's fingers trace the faded lines on his skin. 

This is probably the most intimate he's ever been with someone. The hairs on his body stand up and a shiver makes its way through his body when Chanyeol keeps caressing his inner thighs. If someone were to walk in on them now, it would look rather suspicious. But Baekhyun doesn't care because Chanyeol is here and he's accepting all of Baekhyun's many flaws. So it doesn't matter that what they're doing could be seen as inappropriate because really, no one's there to see them.

"It means a lot that you feel comfortable enough to show them to me," Chanyeol whispers after a few minutes of silence. Baekhyun, who'd closed his eyes and was close to dozing off even while sitting up, startles upon hearing his friends words. He opens his eyes and sees that Chanyeol's hand is still resting on his thigh.

"I just don't want to keep hiding from you anymore." He smiles shyly and adds, "There are no more surprises from now on." 

Chanyeol chuckles with that deep voice of his and removes his hand from the younger's thigh. Instead, he opens his arms with a soft smirk playing on his lips, inviting Baekhyun into his embrace. And Baekhyun is tired and he really, really wants this day to be over, so he scoots closer and lies down beside his best friend.

Chanyeol reaches for the nightlight and turns it off so that the room gets swallowed by the darkness. It takes some time for Baekhyun's eyes to adjust to the darkness, but once they do, he can make out the silhouette of the tall boy lying beside him. Their bodies are facing each other so whenever Chanyeol exhales, the fringe of Baekhyun's hair moves. He's surprised by how easy it is for his body to relax tonight. Usually, he tosses and turns all night, not to mention how much he's usually freezing even though he sleeps under two thick duvet covers. 

Although Baekhyun's body is exhausted, he can't sleep. His thoughts are keeping him awake even when Chanyeol's breathing evens out. Words can't describe how more at ease he feels now after telling Chanyeol everything. It feels like he maybe can get through this tough time, just as he managed to do a few years ago. Maybe asking for help isn't such a bad thing? After all, Chanyeol is the most patient person he's ever met, which means that he hopefully won't give up on Baekhyun that easily. 

He starts making a plan in his head. Tomorrow, he'll call his brother first thing in the morning. There's not anything special he wants to say, maybe just that Chanyeol knows everything now and that he has someone to talk to. It seems far-fetched to call his old phycologist, but it's not impossible that talking to her could help. It worked pretty well the last time he went to see her three years ago, so why shouldn't it work out this time too? He'll just have to wait until tomorrow to decide what he'll do. For now, he just wants to sleep.

The clock on Baekhyun's bedside table indicates that it's already been one hour since they went to bed, and that's when Chanyeol turns his head and looks up at Baekhyun with squinting eyes.

"Why are you still up?" he tries to ask, but it's almost impossible to make out the words since they're so low and rumbly. Baekhyun can't help but to crook his neck and look up at the sleep-deprived boy. Chanyeol's hair is already a fluffy mess and his eyes are puffy from sleep. It's a sight Baekhyun has missed a lot during the last month. 

"I was just about to fall asleep," Baekhyun murmurs, although that's not the truth. To prove his point, he closes his eyes and pulls the cover up to his chin to get warm. 

"Wait. Let me..." Out of nowhere, Chanyeol grabs onto the hem of Baekhyun's pyjama shirt and starts pulling it off of him. 

Baekhyun forces the shirt down and sits up only to stare down at his friend. "What the are you doing?" he asks bewildered and wraps his arms around his torso. Chanyeol rolls his eyes. 

"I'm trying to keep you warm, you idiot. Sharing body heat is the best way to warm up, right?" 

"That may be the case, but you can't just do stuff like that while we're sharing the same bed!" Why are Baekhyun's cheeks suddenly rising in temperature and why is he raising his voice in the middle of the night. After sending his neighbours a telepathic apology he shakes his head but decides to pull off his shirt. As soon as Chanyeol notices what the other boy is doing, he too follows the action and takes off his own washed-out t-shirt. The two boys lay down beside each other once again.

All of a sudden, an arm pulls Baekhyun closer to the body beside him. Chanyeol embraces his whole body and then continues to rest his chin on the top of Baekhyun's head. Chanyeol's other hand intertwines its fingers with Baekhyun's and then places their hands between their chests. 

"You can warm your feet on my legs if you want to," Chanyeol offers upon noticing the younger boy falling silent. He doesn't have to say it twice because Baekhyun immediately presses his cold feet against the former's shins. 

It doesn’t take long until Chanyeol starts tracing invisible drawings onto Baekhyun's back. Baekhyun can literally feel the heat radiating from the other's body. If it was possible, he would like to stay like this forever. Just the two of them, sharing a bed and keeping each other warm. 

Okay, so maybe it's only Chanyeol who's bound to keep Baekhyun warm and not the other way around. But still, this is the most at ease Baekhyun has felt for a long time, so he appreciates all of Chanyeol's efforts to keep him in a decent mood.

They lay like that for a long time. Baekhyun suspects that Chanyeol is trying his best to stay awake so that he can keep caressing the younger's back until the latter falls asleep. And it works. After what feels like forever, Baekhyun finally manages to fall asleep. All thanks to his best friend who never left his side even once during that night. 

 *  *  *

Baekhyun wakes up at lunchtime the next day. The spot beside him is empty, but the smell of melted sugar and the noise coming from the kitchen makes his body relax before he’s able to freak out. Yawning loudly, he gets up and quickly changes into warmer clothes. His favourite beanie is the only thing that manages to flatten his crazy bed hair. 

He's met by Chanyeol - who's dressed in clothes that one only should wear during a hot summer day and not in the beginning of November - making waffles in the kitchen. It's quite a sight actually. There's flour all over his pink T-shirt and shorts, not the mention the flour covering his left cheek. Seemingly noticing that he's no longer alone in the room, Chanyeol looks up from the mess at the sink and the smile on his face grows as he lay his eyes on Baekhyun.

"Someone's finally awake!" Chanyeol exclaims and winks in Baekhyun's direction. The latter huffs and determinately sits down by the table to wait for the food to be served. 

"Well, someone insisted to talk about all my insecurities last night so maybe that's why I'm a teeny-tiny bit tired." Chanyeol laughs at the bitter tone of Baekhyun's voice but continues to prepare the waffles without fooling around. 

Baekhyun's stomach growls as the delicious smell in the kitchen gets even more intense as the sugar is working its magic. It's probably a bad thing that he can't remember the last time he ate a proper breakfast or lunch. But now, with a lighter heart and a less troubled brain, he's actually craving some sweet and buttery waffles.

Baekhyun continues to watch Chanyeol as he's finishing the last touches, and a few minutes later, the breakfast - slash brunch, slash lunch - is served together with a big glass of cold milk. Chanyeol sits down by the other side of the table and serves both himself and Baekhyun. After pouring an unhealthy amount of syrup onto the crispy waffle, Baekhyun looks up at his older friend to thank him but is instead met by a face that looks like it has dived right into a package of wheat flour.

Trying to hold back a grin, Baekhyun reaches over the table and removes the majority of the flour from Chanyeol's face. He really is such an overgrown baby, but even when that's the case, he still cooks for Baekhyun and remains a loyal friend through everything. And that's why Baekhyun can't feel anything but fortunate over the fact that Chanyeol is one of his best friends. 

When Chanyeol's face is back to its normal tanned self, they both sink back into their chairs and go back to eating waffles.

"It feels like I owe you an apology after yesterday's events," Chanyeol states when he's devoured his own waffles. Half of Baekhyun's waffle is still lying uneaten on his plate. He will eat it though. He's just taking it slow for now so that he won't lose his appetite as he usually does. 

Baekhyun meets Chanyeol's eyes across the table. "What do you mean?" he asks and takes another bite of the sweet puff pastry. 

"I don't know. It just feels like I should feel sorry for making you talk about the stuff you've tried to hide from everyone for so long," Chanyeol continues. "But at the same time, I don't." Baekhyun rises an eyebrow. 

"You don't?"

A solemn shake of the head. "I don't. Who knows for how long you'd keep those thoughts hidden without telling anyone if I hadn't forced you to let it all out yesterday." He ponders for a while, seemingly thinking about how to put his thoughts into words. "What I mean is that I feel bad for you having to awaken the thoughts that you tried to hide for so long, but at the same time I know that this will help you in the long run. Speaking your mind, I mean," he finishes and gulps down the last drops of milk from his glass. 

When Baekhyun doesn't manage to respond in 0.2 seconds - which apparently is a very long time according to Chanyeol - his friend adds: "What I'm really trying to say is that I'm sorry that you've felt this way and that you still feel this way, because no one deserves to have the thoughts you're having. But I'm not sorry about yesterday even though it was tough for you. Because now I know what the problem is and from this day onwards, you won't have to go through this all by yourself." 

And wow... If that isn't an apology - or a non-apology - then Baekhyun doesn't know what is.

"Hey," he puts his cold hand on top of Chanyeol's. "It's okay, I know what you're trying to say," he says and turns his head so that he can look out of the window. The sky is as grey as ever and the strong wind outside strips the trees of the few still-remaining leaves. "Although it's barely been a day, it already feels a bit better now that somebody knows. It's going to be tough and I'm probably not going to get better as quickly as I'd like to, but now I finally feel like I have the motivation to try to get better," Baekhyun explains and is happy to see his friend smile at him from across the table. 

With that being said, the two of them go back to finishing their breakfast and then help each other with doing the dishes and cleaning the table. Chanyeol's phone suddenly vibrates and of course, it's their friend Joonmyeon who's calling. While Chanyeol disappears into the living room with Joonmyeon's nagging voice going off in his ear, Baekhyun decides to stay in the kitchen and reaches for his own phone by the kitchen sink.

He only has to wait a few seconds before his brother picks up. 

"Baekhyun? Is it you?" Baekbeom asks, clearly taken aback. 

Baekhyun snorts. "Who else would call from my phone? Of course, it's me." His brother lets out a sigh of relief from the other end of the line. 

"I'm just a bit surprised, that all. It's been a while since you were the one to call me first," Baekbeom says and at the same time tries to hush his dog who's barking in the background, then his voice can be heard clearly again. "So, is there any particular reason why you're calling me, or what can I help you with?" 

Baekhyun doesn't answer immediately, but when he does, his voice is determined. 

"I'm going to call my old therapist today." 

The line goes quiet for a moment. This was probably the last sentence Baekbeom thought Baekhyun would say to him.

"You have no idea how happy I am to hear you say that, Baekhyun. I really think she can help you, just like last time," Baekbeom assures and Baekhyun can literally hear the way his brother's whole body and mind relaxes after finally knowing that Baekhyun will get professional help. "Why did you change your mind all of a sudden?" 

"What do you mean?" Baekhyun asks instead. 

"Was it that Chanyeol guy who finally made you come to your senses? I knew he was a good guy the second he called me." Baekhyun doesn't have the energy to contradict, and his brother has a point after all. If it wasn't for Chanyeol - who's currently laughing loudly with Joonmyeon in the other room - Baekhyun wouldn't even be on the phone with his brother right now. 

"I guess he helped me quite a lot," he admits and can't hold back his grin when he hears Chanyeol tripping on something in the living room. 

"I guess he did," Baekbeom agrees. "And I guess he will continue to help you in the future too." 

Baekhyun smiles again, an action that still feels a bit unusual since he hasn't smiled a lot in the last month or two, but he agrees with his brother's words. "I guess he will."

They don't say much more, and after promising his older brother to call back after talking to his therapist, Baekhyun hangs up. He notices that Chanyeol too has stopped talking to Joonmyeon on the phone, so he walks towards the living room to see what his friend is up to. Said friend is just about to make himself comfortable on the couch when Baekhyun walks into the room. Chanyeol turns the TV on with the remote and then looks up at him. 

"How did it go?" he asks while his eyes flicker to the TV screen and then back to Baekhyun again. Baekhyun plops down next to his friend.

"He was happy that I called him, and he got even happier when I told him that I will call the therapist," he explains while making himself comfortable between a big pillow and Chanyeol's sharp hipbones. "I also think my brother is in love with you because he literally couldn't stop talking about 'how good of a friend' you are," Baekhyun adds jokingly.

"Stop talking ," Chanyeol threatens but with a big smile on his face.

He suddenly darts his hands to Baekhyun's sides and begins tickling him. Baekhyun sits still with a poker-face while Chanyeol's hands make their way up towards his armpits. Apparently, Chanyeol doesn't know that Baekhyun isn't ticklish at all, but it's fun to watch him struggle so he doesn't stop him. Chanyeol gets bored after a while and sinks back into the couch with a frown on his face. It makes him look like an overgrown baby.

"You tried," Baekhyun teases and laughs out loud when Chanyeol throws a pillow at him.

"It's not my fault you're so boring. I can't believe I've known you for almost four years and didn't know that you weren't ticklish," Chanyeol huffs and goes back to switching channels on the TV. When Baekhyun cuddles into his friend as an attempt to make it up to him, Chanyeol willingly puts his arm around the younger's back as an invite. 

"What did Joonmyeon want when he called you?" Baekhyun asks when they're almost lying down on the couch in a cosy mess.

Chanyeol laughs at something Baekhyun doesn't know. "Ah... He was just wondering why we weren't in class and then yelled in my ear for five minutes so I think I'm half deaf now."

"So what did you tell him? That you are currently dealing with a robot who has forgotten how to show human emotions since the said robot hasn't used them for months?" It's meant as a joke, but Chanyeol seems to get upset again.

"Don't say stuff like that, Baekhyun," he mumbles and uses his arm to pull Baekhyun closer to his side. "I don't care whether you're not as hyper now as you usually are, and you should know that by now." Baekhyun feels anxious to his stomach again.

"I didn't mean it like that," he begins and crooks his neck so that he can look up into Chanyeol's black eyes. "I'm just joking in an attempt to make everything that's been happening seem like less of a big deal. Having you here even though I'm not completely myself right now means a lot to me. Probably more than you realise," he explains.

This seems to put Chanyeol at ease since he starts playing with Baekhyun's hair instead of frowning. "I get your point, and I'll allow you to be the sarcastic you always are when it comes to anything serious. But that's only because I know you're actually getting help now instead of hiding behind jokes alone," Chanyeol announces and that's the end of that. But then he continues on the original topic. "And I told Joonmyeon that you have the flu and that's why I'm home and taking care of you since you clearly can't take care of yourself, and he couldn't disagree with that."

"The two of you think too lowly of me," Baekhyun pouts but understands that this is Chanyeol's way of brightening the mood and it definitely works. 

When Chanyeol, one movie later, realises that they've been lazy for too long, he forces Baekhyun out of the apartment after putting some warm clothes on him. Once outside, they walk to one of the nearby parks where one kind lady lets them play with her dog for a while. 

Even though it's too cold outside for Baekhyun's liking, it's pretty nice to be outside. He tends to stay at home and lie in his warm bed once autumn arrives and usually only steps his foot outside when he has to buy groceries. So it's actually a nice change to get out and fill his lungs with cool air and run around with a dog that resembles the one his brother owns, the dog he usually misses more than its owner. 

They decide to go back inside when Baekhyun can no longer feel his face and Chanyeol's voice starts getting hoarse. Baekhyun makes tea for both of them and they drink it by the living room table while the first snow falls outside the window. They cook chicken soup for dinner and Baekhyun helps out the best he can with his almost non-existent culinary skills.

Baekhyun makes sure to call his therapist before they close for the day. Chanyeol is there with him as Baekhyun puts her on the speaker. He didn't want Chanyeol to listen at first but figured that he'd maybe need him as support. His therapist was, of course, both happy and sad that Baekhyun called her. Happy since she hadn't spoken with him for a long time, sad because him calling meant that he wasn't doing well. 

When the call ends, Baekhyun has an appointment booked and it's in just three days.

"I can come with you if you want," Chanyeol offers and Baekhyun is once again reminded of how wonderful and caring his friend is.

"You better come up with a better excuse for why you're skipping class this time," Baekhyun chuckles but accepts Chanyeol's offer with a slightly lighter heart.

The two friends watch one more movie before they decide to go to bed since it's already getting late. Chanyeol comes up with the brilliant idea to skip classes tomorrow too since everyone still thinks that Baekhyun has the flu and that Chanyeol is taking care of him. 

"But we can only do this until your first appointment with your therapist, okay? After that, we'll have to focus on our studies no matter how boring it gets," Chanyeol warns as they're lying side by side in Baekhyun's bed. 

Baekhyun huffs. "Why do you make it sound like I'm the one holding you hostage here and not letting you go to school? I can't recall a single time I've implied that we should skip classes. This is all your doing."

"Maybe we can call Joonmyeon after his last class tomorrow and ask him to bring us all the notes he's taken, maybe even let him eat dinner with us," Chanyeol suggests, pretending to not have heard Baekhyun's words. He turns his head and looks at Baekhyun. "I think he'd like to see you, Baekhyun."

The last sentence hits him like a rock. Poor Joonmyeon. He must think that Baekhyun wants nothing to do with him since he let Chanyeol in but not him. He's really been a friend these last couple of weeks. Joonmyeon who insisted to refill Baekhyun's fridge even when the latter yelled at him to 'leave him the alone'. Joonmyeon who cares for Baekhyun just as much as Chanyeol does.

"Yeah, let's invite him," Baekhyun agrees and smiles faintly when Chanyeol beams like the sun itself.

And just like that, everything seems a little easier and less challenging than it did before. He has friends that love him, a family that loves him and that's all he needs at the moment. He knows he won't get better immediately, but at least there's hope now. He managed to win over his depression all those years ago, so why can't he win this time too? Hopefully, his phycologist will be able to help him cope with his own mind. Because it's in there the problem is, his own destructive mind. If he can change that, everything will get better. There's really nowhere but up from this day onward. 

He'll let himself have bad days, that's inevitable. But when he wakes up the next morning after one of those days, he'll try his best and make the most out of the day. 

A new painting is making itself present in his mind. He can picture a sunset, or maybe it's a sunrise. Baekhyun is standing on a dirt field stripped from flowers and grass. He's facing towards the shabby barn at the end of the field, the sun is slowly making itself visible over the rooftop. The first orange hued rays of sunshine are reflected in the humongous puddle of water right next to where Baekhyun is standing with his bare feet. It must've rained recently.

The sky is indescribable. Maybe he should try painting it once he wakes up tomorrow. There's a noticeable contrast between the dirty brown field and the orange sky. No cloud is to be seen and the only things that are moving in the scene are the few needletails flying across the sky every now and then. They don't seem to be headed in any specific direction. Their black feathers stand out from the amber glow of the sunrise. The meaning behind the painting is crystal clear to even a sleepy Baekhyun.

A dirty background.  

A fresh start. 

Title: The boy of seasons.

Baekhyun's mind wanders back to reality, to where Chanyeol is currently snoring softly next to him. It's probably a good idea to sleep now, especially since he doesn't want to be a sleep deprived ghost - which he's been more often than not lately - when Joonmyeon visits tomorrow. With that in mind, he makes himself comfortable and presses his cold feet against Chanyeol's warm legs. Chanyeol stirs in his sleep but must know that it’s only Baekhyun who's trying to keep himself warm because Chanyeol shuffles closer and then continues to snore.

As Baekhyun's body temperature rises, he can feel his body relaxing, eyelids getting heavier. This will be a good night's sleep, he can feel it. And for the first time in many weeks, he doesn't wish to never wake up again. 

- - - 

Thank you for reading and feel free to leave a comment, it would make me really happy :) Until next time. - A