”Stop bothering me, please!” Baekhyun hadn’t meant to raise his voice at his friend who was currently leaning against the doorframe to his small bedroom. ”Just go and hang out with Joonmyeon for all I care. I don’t give a , as long as you just leave me alone!”

Chanyeol’s hurt expression pains Baekhyun, but he really needs to be alone for a while. He’s just so tired of everything and wants this day to be over with as soon as possible. Without a word, his best friend sighs and leaves the room, making sure to close the door behind him so that he won’t piss off Baekhyun more than he already has. Left alone in the room, is now a very miserable boy in his late teens. 

It isn’t as if Chanyeol - or anyone else for that matter - have done something wrong or anything like that. Baekhyun is simply tired, but not tired, content, but not content. He’s sad but isn’t at the same time. Explaining this feeling isn’t something he’s done in many years. Maybe because it’s been a long time since he felt this way. Or is this really a feeling? How can a person feel everything, but at the same time, nothing at all? 

Now he’s sitting here, on a hard wooden chair in his dark room, cold hands clenched into fists inside the sleeves of his oversized knitted sweater while looking out the wide window. Outside the apartment, children are playing in the piles of dried, auburn leafs, laughing until their lungs hurt. All the while the adults are busy throwing away the pumpkins and candy wrappers that are left from only a couple of days before. From outside his room, he can hear the door to his apartment close. He’s officially alone. If someone were to take a photo of him at this exact moment, he would name it: Return of the autumn boy. 

What a great day to sit inside and drown in self-pity. 

Baekhyun isn’t sure for how long he sits there, looking down on the children outside, reminiscing the happiness that youth brought him a long time ago. He was usually a very happy and energetic boy, but this autumn had brought him nothing but constant cold and the feeling of always being alone. It wasn’t a completely unfamiliar feeling, though. 

When he was in his early teens, something changed. Nothing traumatising or anything like that happened, it was just that something inside Baekhyun changed for the worse. It usually occurred whenever the sun began to show less during the day and the thin t-shirts were replaced by itchy jumpers. Baekhyun had spent three winters feeling this way, only to go back to his normal, happy self the year after. But the bad feeling decided to not return the winter he turned sixteen. It wasn’t until now, three years later, that the feeling of heaviness and constant misery returned without any warning. It was almost like he’d gone to sleep one day, only to wake up and hide inside his shell the day after.

His friends are obviously aware of this drastic change of behaviour from Baekhyun’s side. But none of his friends was with him all those years ago when he’d been on the verge of insanity. So that’s why they don’t ask now either. 

They didn’t ask when they invited Baekhyun to come to Kyungsoo’s birthday party and he never showed up. They didn’t ask when they found him in his apartment, staring into the kitchen cabinets, the oven long forgotten. They didn't ask when they didn’t hear a word from him for one week straight. They didn’t ask when Chanyeol told them that he could hear Baekhyun whispering words to himself when he’d bought coffee for him a few days ago. ”Just cry just cry just cry it’s not that difficult just cry just cry.”

He can’t really blame them, though. If he was in their position, he’d be just as frightened to see the loudest and most hyper one of them all, turn into this walking shell. Chanyeol must’ve been shocked when Baekhyun raised his voice at him earlier. It’d been a while since he used it at all. 

It's dark outside when Baekhyun tears his eyes from the window and the playing children are long gone. He reaches for his phone which has been hidden in his drawer for the past few days. There are two missed calls from his mother and eight from his older brother. Accompanying them are dozens of messages from his friends, all asking him if he wants to join them for this or that event. He clears his throat and puts on a fake smile, a smile he’s been sporting more often than not lately. His brother picks up on the first ring.

”Why haven’t you answered any of my calls or text messages?” is the first thing Baekbeom asks when he picks up the phone. 

”Hi, older brother. Missed my voice?” Baekhyun tries to joke, but from the way Baekbeom sighs on the other line, he can tell he isn’t doing a good job hiding his emotions. 

”Your friend called me. That Park Chanyeol guy.” Baekbeom lives on the other side of the ocean, so he hasn’t had the pleasure to meet any of his little brother’s new friends. Of course, it was Chanyeol who'd called Baekbeom. Who else would even bother? Baekhyun can’t even pretend to be surprised. 

”What about him?”

Another sigh, and then a hesitant question. ”Is it getting bad again, Baek?” Baekhyun doesn't dare to breathe. ”Like it was a few years ago when we lived with mum and dad? Chanyeol sounded pretty worried, and he told me that you’ve avoided him and the rest of your friends for almost a month now.” 

”It’s nothing, I promise. I’ve just felt a little down lately, but it’s nothing to be worried about.” The lie tastes bitter on his tongue, but he doesn't need yet another person to worry about him. 

”Baekhyun, you idiot,” Baekbeom groans and breathes in through his nose. Baekhyun can picture his brother dragging his fingers through his hair as he always does when he’s frustrated. ”I’ve know you since you were born, okay? I know a lie when I hear one, especially when it’s coming from you.”

Neither one of them said anything for a while. Baekhyun because he’s been caught red-handed, Baekbeom because what he feared was actually true.

This was the last thing Baekhyun wanted. He hadn’t told his brother or any of his family members for that matter since he knew that they would only be worried sick. His family had helped him a lot back when he was younger and lived with them, but that wasn’t the case anymore. These days, he lives alone in an apartment just a few blocks away from the university he goes to. It would take six hours by car for his parents to visit him, and he doesn’t want them to go through all that trouble since it would only be bothersome for them. 

Besides, he’s matured a lot in the last couple of years, hasn’t he? He probably needed his family’s help when he was younger, but now he’s familiar with this feeling of emptiness. Maybe it’s time for him to deal with this illness alone this time, without the help of others. 

Baehyun’s brother continues on the other line. ”All I’m saying, Baekhyun, is that that you shouldn’t hide your emotions from the people closest to you. I’m sure Chanyeol is really worried about you since he called me even though I’ve never met the guy. Don’t you think you should talk to him about what’s happening to you since I can’t be there this time around?” 

”It’s not that easy. Don’t you think I would’ve talked to him immediately if it wasn’t eating me up inside?” A dull headache suddenly makes itself known to Baekhyun. He’s tired of having to explain himself about this stupid feeling that even he himself doesn’t know how to deal with. ”Just don’t tell mom, okay? I’ll deal with it.” 

”Baekhyun, please don’t hide inside a shell. I think talking to someone will help you a lot, don’t you think?” Talk to someone my , was what Baekhyun thought, but he doesn’t say it out loud since it would only hurt his brother. ”I can call a psychologist if that’s what you need.” 

Yeah, nope. Baekhyun was not having this discussion again. ”I have to go, Baekbeom.”

”… I actually know a pretty famous-. What?” 

”Something came up, sorry.”

”But I was just telling you about-”

”Sorry, bye,” Baekhyun interrupts mid-speech and hangs up the phone without further explanation. 

He’s definitely not up for talking about creepy psychologists, dressed in grey from head to toe, the permanent expression of pity tattooed onto their faces. The thing that had bothered him the most when he first went to see one was how the woman answered Baekhyun’s questions with other questions. It’d been annoying as hell and when he’d walked out from the building - his mother trying to keep up with him as his short legs stormed off - he’d sworn to himself that he would never return to that place ever again. 

And just like that, Baekhyun is - yet again - left in complete silence in his stuffy room. 

With a sigh, he heaves himself up from the chair and forces his stiff legs towards the kitchen. Everything looks as it usually does. The white dining table bought from IKEA takes up most of the space although it’s almost as tiny as the kitchen sink, a tiny Spirited Away figurine standing in the centre of the table for decoration purposes. Three chairs in the same white colour are placed at random around the table, all left in the same places as Baekhyun’s friends had left them as they came and went. 

It isn’t a fancy kitchen. In fact, none of the rooms in his apartment are particularly decorated or well-furnished, but it’s Baekhyun’s own home and he loves it more than anything else. What more do you need when all you want is to stay away from nagging people and responsibilities? 

Time to eat, Baekhyun thinks to himself as he opens the old fridge. He’s surprised to find the fridge somewhat filled with groceries of all sorts. There’s a carton of his favourite yoghurt, plenty of greens, some leftovers packed in plastic boxes and a few bottles of water. 

Chanyeol must’ve cooked food at his own place and then brought it for Baekhyun to eat whenever he wanted to. Everyone deserves a friend like Chanyeol. Well, on second thought, maybe Baekhyun doesn’t. 

Baekhyun grabs one of the plastic containers and pops it into the microwave. While waiting for the food to heat, he massages his neck and closes his eyes. Seconds pass by and then the food is ready to eat. He sits down by the table with Chanyeol’s home-cooked pasta carbonara - the two friends’ favourite food - and a bottle of water. As his eyes travel over the table, he spots a yellow sticky note under the small figurine in the middle of the wooden surface. 

Joonmyeon and I refilled your fridge while you were sleeping. Make sure to eat the things we bought/cooked! - Yeol 

Folding the note in half, he smirks half-heartedly and proceeds to take a bite of the creamy pasta. He has eaten about a third of the food on his plate when his stomach suddenly turns itself inside out. Just seeing the greasy bacon a couple of inches from his face makes him fight back the urge to gag. This has happened more frequently lately. 

Sighing in frustration, he takes a big sip of the water and then stands up, bringing the dirty dishes with him to the sink. It feels bad to throw away Chanyeol’s food just like that, but he can’t force himself to take another bite. He leaves the kitchen in the same condition as he’d found it in, white and sterile. 

His tired legs drag him towards the bathroom where he forces himself to not look into the mirror above the sink. The bluish light coming from the lightbulb hanging from the ceiling doesn't do him any favours appearance wise either. After struggling out of his pyjama bottoms, he finally steps into the scolding hot shower. At once, the stiffness in his shoulders and neck subsides and he sighs as the shower jets work their magic. 

After a while, Baekhyun sinks down onto the ceramics floor tiles, the water still pouring down over him. He doesn't know how long he sits like that, arms wrapped around his pale legs and stomach. As he sits there in silence, he immediately regrets that he didn't turn on any music before stepping into the shower. Music - and books for that matter - are the only thing that can keep his mind from thinking bad thoughts. And right now, he can almost make out the voice in the back of his head, whispering words of encouragements. 

They’re right there, Baekhyun. You have done it once many years ago, why not again?

Baekhyun knows what it means, of course, he knows. He hears the voice every time he steps into this stupid bathroom. Only a couple of inches away lies his maroon coloured razor. He doesn’t even know why he owns one since he barely uses it. The struggle of hitting puberty three years later than the rest of your friends. 

But no. He’s not going to listen to the voice. So instead he creates his own music, by singing.

”I close my eyes only for a moment, and then the moment’s gone…” 

He focuses on the water running down his body before it finally hits the floor and then begins its journey down the drain again. Baekhyun wonders if he is like water. When he dies, will he also be recycled, reused, reborn? 

”All my dreams pass before my eyes, a curiosity…” 

Maybe he’s destined to live a rough life, a dark life. He pretends to become one with the water. It is an easy journey at first, just going with the flow, following his comrades down the drain. The darkness swallows them whole, but the journey continues. On and on he goes until he reaches the purification centre. There, he’s forced through one filter after another, losing more comrades every time. 

”Dust in the wind, all they are is dust in the wind…”

It’s a rather lonely journey, one that Baekhyun can relate to. But then begins the real task, climbing the shower tube. The tube represents growing up, at least to Baekhyun. As the water climbs higher and higher, the years pass. It’s an uphill battle, both the water and Baekhyun facing one hardship after another. 

”Same old song, just a drop of water in an endless sea…”

When will the road end? The higher he climbs, the more exhausted he becomes. And then, at last, he reaches the peak. Just to be splashed onto some boy’s narrow shoulders. All of his comrades are gone by now, either being filtered away or not being able to make it up the long climb of life. Just like that, he’s one with the stream again, following all the new water particles down the familiar drain. 

”All we do crumbles to the ground, though we refuse to see.”

Once the song comes to an end, he starts over from the beginning again. It’s the perfect song to sing when you aren’t happy nor sad, just somewhere in between. Or maybe when you feel nothing at all.

He sits there for an hour, maybe longer. Time is irrelevant when all you care about is not falling asleep and drowning in your own shower. Wouldn't it be really embarrassing and depressing to be found by one of his friends, say Chanyeol. He doesn’t want to imagine the look on Chanyeol's face as he finds a pale and Baekhyun laying on his stomach, head facing the cool floor. Yeah, nope. That would be an awful sight. 

When he no longer can feel his own skin when his fingers trace the visible veins on his arms, he knows that it was time to step out of the shower. His skin is now glaring red and the tip of his fingers look like raisins. He wraps one towel around his hips and another around his shoulders, making him resemble a mummy. 

As soon as his feet hit the cool floor outside the bathroom, his ears pick up on a muffled sound coming from the living room on the other side of the apartment. It sounds like it’s coming from the TV. 

Baekhyun drags his feet towards the room the sound is coming from, only to be met with the sight of a tall boy wiping the windows. The boy is currently balancing on a narrow stool, the heels of his big feet hovering above the ground. It’s a terrifying thing to watch so Baekhyun decides to stop the boy before he falls and breaks a limb or two.

"I thought I told you to leave just a few minutes ago." Baekhyun's voice comes out smaller than he intended. But it seems like the giant heard him, especially since the squeegee falls to the floor and the boy himself almost falls off the stool. Chanyeol regains his posture rather quickly. 

"You actually told me that three hours ago, but who keeps track of time?" 

Okay, so maybe Baekhyun was a time optimist. 

If this was a few months ago, Baekhyun would've rolled his eyes. But now, he really can’t be bothered to show just how bothered he actually is. So instead he wraps the towel tighter around his body and heads back towards his bedroom. He sighs internally when he can hear Chanyeol following closely behind. Once inside his bedroom, he stops in front of the closet and removes the two towels, letting them fall to the floor. 

By looking at the reflection in the mirror, he can see Chanyeol making himself comfortable on Baekhyun's unmade bed. Chanyeol isn’t looking at him, instead busying himself by playing with his phone. Even Baekhyun himself doesn’t dare to look at himself in the mirror. He's never been one of those who dance in front of the mirror while singing along to some nostalgic pop song from the early 2000s.  

As quickly as possible, he puts on an oversized sweater which reaches to his knees, a pair of cotton shorts and the green fuzzy socks his mother had given him a few weeks ago. To make sure he won’t be cold, he also grabs his favourite, outworn beanie and puts it on his head. Then he just stands there, eyeing the mirror but making sure to not look at himself. 

"I know it's cold and all, but it's not cold enough for you to actually be frozen at the spot," Chanyeol points out after a while. Baekhyun can see him putting the phone down in the reflection and then looking straight at him. "I think I'm going to make myself a cup of hot chocolate, do you want me to make you a cup too?" 

Before Baekhyun can answer, Chanyeol has already stood up and is now heading towards the kitchen. Having nothing better to do, and no longer feeling irritated by his friend's presence, Baekhyun follow closely behind and sits down by the table once again. 

"I take it you no longer approve of my excellent cooking skills," Chanyeol states as he picks up two cups from the dish rack.

Baekhyun makes a sound in the back of his throat which can be interpreted as a question. Of course, his friend of many years is able to understand the meaning of the sound. 

"The carbonara. It looks like you only took a bite of it." 

"No, it was good," Baekhyun insists upon seeing Chanyeol throwing the remains of the now cold spaghetti into the bin under the sink. "I just haven't had that much of an appetite lately. Maybe it's the flu? I could've gotten it from Joonmyeon since he had it a few weeks ago." 

Chanyeol shakes his head, brows knitted in confusion. "I think we both know that you don't have the flu, Baek. If that was the case, then you'd at least have a runny nose or a fever." He looks over at Baekhyun who now has his eyes fixed on the small Spirited Away figurine. "You don't have a fever, do you?" 

Before Baekhyun can react, Chanyeol has taken four big steps, removed Baekhyun’s beanie and now has his hand resting on the younger's forehead. It’s the first time in weeks that someone touches him, and he doesn’t know whether he likes the feeling or not. Instead of removing his hand right away, Chanyeol moves his hand upwards toward Baekhyun's hairline and slightly drags his fingers through Baekhyun's wet fringe. The touch sends a shiver through Baekhyun's body. 

"No, you definitely don't have a fever. You're as cold as your personality." Chanyeol's comment actually makes Baekhyun snort. It feels like it’s been forever since he showed any signs of human emotions. What makes it even better is that Chanyeol giggles like the big goof he is, and then he returns to heating the milk on the stove. 

"Do you want me to peel an apple for you? Joonmyeon and I bought a few earlier today." 

Baekhyun shakes his head. "I just ate." 

"You were in that shower for ages, Baekhyun. And since you ate before taking that shower, I think you can manage to eat at least half of it. We can share, yeah?" Chanyeol tries to look indifferent, but Baekhyun knows that his friend is worried about him not eating enough. Which he really shouldn't worry about by the way, not when he actually eats at least two meals a day. It's just that his appetite isn’t that great when he’s in one of his lows. So Baekhyun nods but decides to peel the apple himself since Chanyeol’s busy enough making hot chocolate for both of them. 

Instead of sitting down by the table, Baekhyun jumps up onto the counter and lets his legs dangle from the end. It’s his favourite spot to sit when he’s lucky enough to have friends over who cooks for him. He turns his head to the left so that he’s able to steal a few glances of his friend from time to time. 

Chanyeol who seems untroubled by the cold outside, who never lets the always evident smile on his lips falter, not even when everyone around him is having a hard time. Chanyeol - who's only known Baekhyun for a few years - who cooks Baekhyun food whenever he’s feeling down, who always invites Baekhyun to follow him to the big parties the former always is the center of attention of, although it’s been quite some time since Baekhyun felt like downing neon shots at strangers' apartments. 

They’ve been through a lot together, well, the two of them and their other partner in crime Joonmyeon. And Baekhyun is so, so thankful that Chanyeol is with him right now, keeping him company even though he, at this state, probably is as fun to hang around with as his dead cat. But still, just a month ago or so, Baekhyun was his normal self, goofing around with his friends and flirting with anything walking on two legs in the club. It was just a matter of time - and maybe a few rays of sunshine - until he'd back to normal, all smiles and crescent eyes. 

"Earth to Byun Baekhyun... Hello?" Chanyeol’s waving his large hand in front of Baekhyun's face. When he notices that he’s grabbed the younger's attention he repeats whatever Baekhyun had been too distracted to hear. "The choco is ready. Let's watch a movie or something." 

Just as Baekhyun nods and is about to jump off the counter, the long forgotten knife and apple in his hand drops to the floor, but not before he’s able to prevent his thumb from getting cut. Blood quickly makes its way through the wound, now dripping onto the floor and leaving a puddle the size of a table tennis ball behind. 

"ing hell, Baek!" Chanyeol exclaims and grabs his wounded hand, applying as little pressure as possible as to not hurt Baekhyun even more. He drags Baekhyun along to the bedroom where he then grabs a clean sock from out of the closet. "Let's use this to stop the bleeding since I assume you don't have a first aid kit at hand?" 

"A sock will do for now," Baekhyun encourages and lets Chanyeol take care of the wound. From what he can see, it’s a pretty deep cut. Fortunately, it doesn’t hurt all that bad. It almost seems like Chanyeol is more shaken than he himself is. 

After carefully bandaging his thumb - if you can call it bandaging - Chanyeol orders Baekhyun to sit down on the sofa in the living room while he will take care of the mess in the kitchen. It only takes his friend a few minutes until he joins Baekhyun on the sofa, now two cups of scalding hot chocolates standing on the low table. He even remembered to peel another apple and tries to feed Baekhyun half of it since he insists that the younger is too badly injured to feed himself. Baekhyun is having none of it, though. Instead, he snatches the apple from Chanyeol and holds it firmly in his non-injured hand. 

"So... are you in the mood for Keeping up with the Kardashians or Masterchef Australia?" Chanyeol asks after browsing through the channels. ”It's past midnight so we missed the reruns of How I met your mother unfortunately." 

"Whatever will do," Baekhyun murmurs and drapes one of the blankets over his body. He should win an award for always freezing and being cold. 

Chanyeol's head snaps to where Baekhyun is sitting just a few inches from him. "What do you mean 'whatever will do'? You always know what you want to watch, so just tell me already." 

"I mean-" Baekhyun breathes through his nose. "that I can watch whatever you want to watch. I really don't care." He doesn’t know why everything is getting on his nerves lately. Maybe it’s the lack of social interactions. 

"Okay, look." Something sinks in Baekhyun's chest when Chanyeol turns the TV off. Chanyeol never turns the TV off. The tall friend turns his body so that he’s facing Baekhyun, his dark eyes staring into Baekhyun soul. They look serious. Chanyeol is never serious. "Do you have a problem with me?" 

- - -

Chapter two will be up in a day or two!