Yongsun,

I'm sorry that I don't have the decency to call you or the courage to get on a plane to fly back and tell you in person. This isn't going to be half as smooth or eloquent as I want it to be, but I felt that you - you especially - deserve an explanation. An explanation for why I left and for why I never made it to your wedding.

It's because I am selfish. There's no other reason but that.

When our contracts ran out for the last time, we all knew we wouldn't be renewing them. Wheein and Hyejin were ready to become vocal coaches and you already had an offer to join the RBW company as an administrator. You all had places to go. I could have stuck around in Seoul if I'd taken that head choreographer position I suppose, but it wasn't my best option then, nor is it now. You three simply took your best courses of action and I took mine.

Moving to Europe was something new. Something I could let consume every part of my waking consciousness. It was my best shot at getting over you, although I'm ashamed to admit that I'm still working on it.

I love you. From our days as trainees ‘till now, you've held my affections single handedly, and not just in the joking way I displayed for the cameras.

Wheein told me about how you took the news that I'd just up and left.

I'm sorry. I couldn't have told you. If you had asked me to stay I would have most likely never been able to leave your side. If you had asked me to your wedding face to face, I wouldn't have been able to refuse.

But if I had gone. If I had gone and sat through the ceremony and the reception and the after party… if I had been made to stand in the street after the drinking was over, waving you two off in your car as you went back to your apartment… I probably would have walked straight back to the bar and drank till someone loaded me into an ambulance.

I'm selfish. I couldn't even do my best friend the favor of showing up and pretending I was happy for fear of the pain I would have felt while doing so. If I were any sort of real friend I would have gone. Grin and bear it they say. Well, I'm afraid my smile would have been more of a grimace.

Wheein had specific instructions to give this to you after your honeymoon. I figured I could at least let you have a few weeks of calm before you had to think about me again. I hope you had a nice time wherever you went.

A wedding gift will be arriving soon, or perhaps it is already with Wheein. It's a set of very nice silverware from Paris, along with comprehensive instructions from a friend on how to properly polish it.

Pretending like I'm at peace and saying something like “I wish the two of you the best of luck” would be stupid because I don't. As I am now, I can't.

I'm sorry. I know it's been a while. Two and a half years since I left- but I am slowly building a life of my own, and the time will come where more of me will be here in Paris than in Korea. It will take a while yet, but when it happens I will take a vacation to Korea, and you will be the first person I will wish to meet.

Tenuously yours,

Moon Byulyi