The breakdown comes on a Friday evening, finding Jaehwan with shaky limbs, stomach cramps, and unshed tears prickling his eyes as he tries to drink up as much air as he can, his chest heavy with the weight of his panic attack. He curls up on his bed, trying to suppress his noises by pressing a pillow on his face.

Usually it would be Hakyeon he’d turn to whenever he feels anxious, but he hasn’t mentioned Sanghyuk to Hakyeon as if Sanghyuk was a spell that disappeared if Jaehwan admitted he existed.

It was indeed Sanghyuk that has caused him to struggle in bed, feeling sick to his stomach, his tears stinging his eyes. He didn’t say anything wrong, nor did he force Jaehwan to do anything; all he did was ask Jaehwan if he would like to go out with him to the park in the middle of town with a bottle of wine, to look at the stars. 'I read there’d be some shooting stars; I bet it’s going to be pretty’, he said, and it took Jaehwan more than a day to finally say yes, to step out of his comfort zone, even if he felt more than just a little jittery about it.

Now, though, with his crisp, freshly washed jeans sitting on his hips ed, the clock ticking incessantly on the wall and closing in on 9 p.m., Jaehwan thinks this is a very, very bad idea.

What does Sanghyuk want from him? What does he want from Sanghyuk? Do either of them even want anything from the other? Jaehwan doesn’t do relationships, he can’t do relationships, he’s a mess, he can’t do this, he—

He takes a few deep breaths, the pillow on his face still smelling a bit of Hakyeon’s cologne from the last time he slept over, and that calms Jaehwan’s nerves, makes breathing easier. He’s going to do this, because he has to. He’s a grown man and Sanghyuk probably only wants to be friends. He’s too good to want to be anything but friends with someone as rotten as Jaehwan.

He stands up from the bed with legs feeling like jelly, finishes buttoning his jeans and staggers into the bathroom to splash some cold water on his face, trying to make the redness of the whites of his eyes disappear. His hair looks good (a little overdone), his half- body—not so: too skinny, but it’s decent for stargazing because you do that with your eyes and those still work, even if they’re a little red right now.

With the corkscrew in his jacket pocket (Sanghyuk said he’d bring the wine), Jaehwan sighs at his now fully clad reflection, the perfume behind his ears smelling too strong, but, this is not a date. He shouldn’t be worried about scaring Sanghyuk away with the too thick cloud of perfume around him. his twisted logic.

Sanghyuk pulls up by the curb in front of Jaehwan’s apartment building a few minutes later, grinning at Jaehwan through the window as he unlocks the door for him.

“Hey,” he greets Jaehwan happily, and Jaehwan forces a smile.

The air is thick inside the car from Sanghyuk’s perfume and, oh, it smells very nice, but it’s also too much, just like Jaehwan’s.

Jaehwan’s limbs go cold. This might be a ing date.

“Do you know that hill on the Western side of the park?” Sanghyuk asks, turning the volume lower on some awful radio music. “The one where that old oak stands?”

“Yeah,” Jaehwan nods. “Is that where we’re going?”

“Mm,” Sanghyuk murmurs in assent. “That’s where it’s going to be the most visible.”

“Just how many times have you watched shooting stars from the top of the hill?” Jaehwan asks jokingly and his stomach churns at how jealous he sounded. This doesn’t need to be special, he can’t be special enough to Sanghyuk and his stupid brain needs to understand that.

“I like the stars,” Sanghyuk laughs and Jaehwan makes a noise similar to a chuckle, though it wasn’t a real answer.

Sanghyuk parks the car by the gate and digs into the trunk of his car, fishing out a bottle of sweet red wine and a baby blue blanket.

“Thought this might come in handy,” Sanghyuk says, holding up the blanket while his head is still deep inside the trunk. “Hmm, I thought I brought plastic cups…”

“Wine is best drunk out of a wine glass or straight from the bottle,” Jaehwan says. “On a second thought… it’s best drunk straight from the bottle.”

Sanghyuk giggles and Jaehwan’s heartrate doubles at that, only for the precious organ to skip a beat when Sanghyuk hits his head into the trunk lid and lets out a quiet “ow”.

“Are you okay?” Jaehwan asks, almost stuttering into it.

“Fine,” Sanghyuk murmurs, scratching his head as he emerges. He slams the lid closed angrily and the sound makes Jaehwan wince, but Sanghyuk doesn’t notice it. Thank God.

They walk through the pathway leading to the hill in silence, darkness engulfing them between two lamp posts. Once on top of the hill, Sanghyuk unfolds the blanket and places it on the ground, sitting down with the bottle between his legs.

“Did you bring the corkscrew?” he asks, blinking up at Jaehwan.

He looks even more handsome in the moonlight, the stars shining in his eyes, and Jaehwan feels speechless, so he only hands the corkscrew over to Sanghyuk, sitting down next to him.

The bottle gets passed between them and the less wine is in it, the less anxious Jaehwan feels. He laughs at Sanghyuk’s jokes and the moment Sanghyuk discovers that he is wearing mismatching socks, and afterwards, at Sanghyuk’s grumpiness.

They lie down next to each other on the blanket after finishing the wine, Jaehwan’s head feeling funny and his face too warm as their arms touch.

“That’s Sirius,” Sanghyuk says, reaching out to point at one of the million stars in the clear sky.

“Black?” Jaehwan asks; a joke he didn’t really mean to crack, but the wine did.

“Nerd,” Sanghyuk says and when Jaehwan turns his head towards him, he notices Sanghyuk smiling.

“Sirius Nerd? Never heard of him. Did he break out from Azkaban, too?”

“Oh, God,” Sanghyuk laughs, turning to Jaehwan. “I’m the one who’s supposed to tell awful jokes to impress you.”

Jaehwan opens his mouth to say something, but finds himself blushing as he looks into Sanghyuk’s happy eyes, so he turns his gaze back towards the clear sky.

“Sorry,” he says. “I know Sirius; everyone knows Sirius. It’s the brightest star on the sky.”

“And do you know that one?” Sanghyuk asks, now pointing somewhere else.

“You do know that I have no idea which one of the zillion stars you’re pointing at, right?”

“Can you see the constellation Gemini?”

“I don’t know how that constellation looks like,” Jaehwan admits, feeling a little stupid.

“Look,” Sanghyuk says and draws a dome-like shape in the air. “That shiny star just there is Pollux and that other one just next to it is its twin, Castor. They’re not really twins though; Pollux is a single star while Castor is a tuple system.”

“I don’t think I’ve ever heard anybody say the word ‘tuple’ before…” Jaehwan muses, completely missing the point of Sanghyuk’s eloquent lecture. “Oh! A shooting star!”

Jaehwan remembers he should make a wish a second too late and the star disappears, leaving him wondering how many seconds need to pass until his wish doesn’t matter anymore, but then another shooting star comes and his breath hitches like a child’s.

“If you think about it,” Sanghyuk says, “it’s funny how we’re lying here, being excited about some rocks burning up. Sounds like something cavemen must have enjoyed back then.”

“Shut up, this is a miracle.”

Sanghyuk huffs out a laugh. “I guess,” he shrugs, his shoulder moving against Jaehwan’s. “Maybe I just know too much about stars. Maybe that’s the same reason why cavemen stopped thinking burning up was fascinating.”

“Arsonists still think burning up is fascinating,” Jaehwan points out.

“I… I really can’t argue with that.”

Another three stars fall and suddenly Jaehwan becomes aware of the hand holding his own, the fingers warm around his icy palm. When he looks at Sanghyuk, the boy has his eyes closed, cracking one of them open.

“Are you sleeping?” Jaehwan asks with his mouth newly independent of his brain.

“No,” Sanghyuk chuckles and blinks both of his eyes open. “I was making a wish.”

“Oh,” Jaehwan says, glancing down at Sanghyuk’s chest. “Did you wish for that grasshopper to leave you alone?”

“Grass— what? Oh my God!”

Sanghyuk immediately lets go of Jaehwan’s hand and tries to brush off the grasshopper, but the little insect is already sitting on the blanket between the two of them. Jaehwan turns to the side and takes it between his fingers carefully, coaxing a faint cry out of Sanghyuk as he holds it up to his face.

“It won’t hurt you,” Jaehwan laughs at Sanghyuk’s grimace. “Look, it’s so cute!”

“Cute, he says,” Sanghyuk mumbles. “It attacked me.”

“Did not,” Jaehwan replies. “Your green shirt probably confused the poor thing.”

“Ugh,” Sanghyuk lies back and looks at the insect. “Okay, maybe it isn’t so scary when it’s not hopping around. Hey, little guy.”

When Sanghyuk scoots closer to observe the grasshopper, Jaehwan loosens his grip and the grasshopper jumps into the general direction of Sanghyuk’s face, making the boy scream. Jaehwan sniggers at that.

“You’re so evil!” Sanghyuk exclaims indignantly.

“I’m sorry, but you should’ve seen your face!”

Sanghyuk finally smiles too, and when Jaehwan stops laughing, he sees Sanghyuk’s eyes dropping to his lips.

no.

“It’s getting cold,” Jaehwan says and sits up, not missing the confused look on Sanghyuk’s face.

“Do you want to go home?”

“We probably should.”

They make their way back to the car in a silence that is not altogether comfortable and Jaehwan fiddles with the sleeves of his jacket all the way back to his flat. The atmosphere is still tense as they walk up the short flight of stairs and Sanghyuk pockets his hands when they stop in front of the door.

“Thanks for coming,” he says with a kind smile, but it’s not completely sincere. Jaehwan feels awful.

“It was nice,” he grins nervously. “I… I hope we can go again, another time.”

“Really?” Sanghyuk asks, his eyes lighting up and his smile getting wider. “I mean, me too.”

“Well…” Jaehwan says, glancing at the intercom.

“Yeah,” Sanghyuk replies as if there was anything he should agree with. “Um, good night.”

“Good night.”

There’s a lingering moment and then Sanghyuk touches Jaehwan’s cheek, his warm hand just brushing the skin as he leans in closer and blinks up, the light once again dimming in his eyes, as if he’s seeing something saddening on Jaehwan’s face. He lets out a small sigh just when Jaehwan forces his eyes closed, but the warmth he expected on his lips doesn’t come. Instead, Sanghyuk presses a small kiss to Jaehwan’s cheek and when Jaehwan opens his eyes, he can only see Sanghyuk’s back moving away towards his car.

He feels like crying.