Jennie Kim

I have been trying to deal with my own anxiety issues for the longest time now. Ever since I collapsed in the airport all those years ago, I developed a terrible fear of being in extremely crowded places. The only difference is that when I'm with the familiar bunch of friends, I can go anywhere with them; I feel secure and safe. It's as if I never had any anxiety or fear before. My guess is that this fear only grips me from the inside when I think of the places Jisoo has had an effect on me before. The school campus. The park. The airport... places like that scared me more than anything now. 

Ironic, huh? 

Those places are places a person is probably required to be at least five times in their life, no matter the occasion. I thought, and still think it's pretty pathetic to be cowering amidst crowds but there's not much I can do to change that. I've tried over and over again to go there by myself but I always end up breaking down afterward. I always ended up in tears or in their arms – my friends always encourage me to do something and they always catch me when I fail. I feel bad because I’m such a burden to them, almost in every sense of the word. Everyone goes out independently, and here I am being so clingy.

“Jennie-unnie! Are you ready?”

“I’m coming!” I shouted from my room, unconsciously smiling at the incoherent grumbling I was hearing. It was pretty funny to always hear Lisa complaining like this but she becomes extra clingy towards me in public. I checked myself one last time in the mirror and took a deep breath; we're going to the amusement park today, and it's on the weekend. It's going to be really, really crowded. “Ah… Jennie Kim, it’s just a couple of hours. You can keep it together.”

Seeing both Lisa and  Rosé  waiting for me at the foot of the stairs has once again made me realise just how lucky I am to have them both by my side, even with Jisoo’s absence. I always make sure to thank and repay them in my own way but would it ever be enough in this lifetime? They've done enough for me to be in their debt even in the next life. I can’t remember to the fullest just how much they’ve tolerated my bull and depression back then. Depression has been a for as long as I can remember now and honestly, it still scares me that someone who confesses to me can end up in trouble.

I can even count them out - Euna confessed to me, and I had ended puking all over her shoes on that same night because I felt bad for wanting to reject her. Bobby confessed to me too, and he ended up on the hospital bed after getting hit by a car on the way home. The last one, the most painful one was poor, poor Taeyong - he had been mobbed and beaten up by a group of young punks lurking around after sending me home.

“Hey, Unnie,” Lisa came up to me and linked her arm around mine, “are you feeling okay?”

No.

I feel terrible for causing the people around me to get hurt. 

“I’m okay, Lisa,” I say, though my smile does not reach my eyes.

You lying little witch.

*

There was screaming.

A lot of screaming, laughter and lastly, a lot of people; not to mention some shoving here and there because of the small space. A lot of physical contact with strangers, which Jennie didn’t fancy. There was, however, a really contradicting thing about her: she didn't like physical contact with strangers, that is, until she gets high. After downing a few drinks that could easily knock her out, Jennie prefers to go home with someone in tow. It is strange and contradicting to her real personality, and it takes effort for a person who doesn't know Jennie to actually understand the reasoning behind it. 

As for friends like Lisa and Rosé... well, they knew enough to understand why - they couldn't push her too far or she'd break all over again.

Rosé looked around the area, hoping to find a place where they could sit and have a meal without too many people surrounding them. She didn’t want to stress Jennie out too much, not when they were supposed to be having fun.

“There,” Rosé pointed at the pizza joint staring at her in the face, “we can have lunch there and go play some games after. If you want, we can go somewhere else for dinner too.”

Jennie nodded cutely, earning giggles from her friends. She had such a contrasting personality compared to her look – people didn’t know because they judged based on looks first. Jennie could act like a baby if she wanted to and when she needed comfort. It’s exactly how it is whenever Rosé came over to her house and checked on her.

Years ago, Jennie would be found lying in bed every day with a lifeless look on her face. There would never be a day where Jennie could get out of the house without looking like a zombie; her heart aching at the thought of Jisoo being out and somewhere alone. Jisoo had been waiting to come home eagerly because she would be able to confess to Jennie when she arrived, but she never did. The impact it left on Jennie had been enough to scar the younger girl, and the result of it was Jennie falling into depression. It wasn't Jisoo's fault at all - Jennie just needed to make sure she could climb out of that bottomless pit of darkness.

“I want pepperoni!” Lisa said right after seeing the huge picture on the chalkboard, her cheeks automatically puffing up at her girlfriend in an attempt to charm her way into getting what she wanted. She knew how  Rosé could be regarding the things they ate and it always took a bit of effort for her to make the older girl agree to her demands. “I m-mean if Jennie-unnie doesn’t mind…”

Jennie almost felt her eyeballs roll to the back of her head at the brazen use of her as a human shield; she's been in this position a couple of times (though she's not complaining) in order for Lisa to get her way. In fact, she found it pretty adorable that the couple were still going so strong; it's a situation Jennie finds herself struggling to maintain her composure because she's jealous. She could have had that with Jisoo if the stupid plane had made it back safely but it never did. She wanted to be selfish just for a