***

raindrops rolled down the windows of my mom’s 2005 kia sorento on the way to the airport, and part of me wishes i were one of those short lived, little raindrops as well. it’s not that i didn’t want to move to seoul to live with my brother, but it’s also not that i did, either. i’d lived in seoul up until the age of three, but that’s definitely not an old enough age to remember every memory that i have there. i knew some korean, but i wasn’t necessarily fluent just because my mother occasionally spoke it at home. my mom did the best she could to implant the entire korean dictionary into my mind within two weeks before my departure, and the best i got out of that was how to say hello, introduce myself, and how to ask where the restroom is. with my brother there, i didn’t have to worry too much, since he’d been much more interested in the korean language than i ever was as a child, and practically begged my mom to let him take extra korean courses all through high school. the boy was practically fluent by his sophomore year.

“are you absolutely sure that you’re ready to do this? you know you could always stay with your father and i through college,” my mom’s tone sounded almost as if she were pleading me to stay -- but i knew she’d be better off without me holding her back from traveling the world with my stepfather.

“mom,” i had to pause and think about what i was going to say, avoiding anything that would hurt her feelings. “i’ll be fine. i miss my brother, i can’t wait to see him.” i wasn’t lying. kind of.

“you know that you can always come back whenever you want, correct? you’re always welcome here.” it’s hard to believe that i’ll always be welcome here, since she’ll most likely be leaving london as soon as i step foot on the plane.

“mhm,” i would’ve stopped there, but i figured this would be the last time i’d physically speak to my mom for a while. time differences are a . “i know, thank you for the reminder. and before you talk my ear off about it, i’ll remember to email every chance i get. i’ll send pictures, i’ll update my facebook every now and then to let you know i’m still alive.”

it was nice seeing my mom laugh, especially when she’s laughing because of me. i could tell she was trying to be brave and act like a tough mother who wasn’t going to miss her youngest son, though. there were tears in her smiling eyes the moment we pulled up to the airport.

“please, youngjae,” she stopped to clear . “be safe, okay? don’t talk to strangers, don’t accept drinks from anyone you don’t know--”

“mom,” i cut her off with an airy laugh. “i’m twenty two years old. i can take care of myself, and i’ve got youngwon there with me. don’t worry about me, and have fun travelling with peter.” peter’s my stepdad.

she smiled and nodded at me, leaning over the center console to give me the best hug she could manage. i tried not to acknowledge the little sniffle she gave after pulling away.

“i have faith in you boys. i’ll miss you and i love you dearly, don’t forget!” moms.

i gave her a quick peck on the cheek and exited the car as quickly as possible without making a fool of myself with my oh-so-graceful way of moving. i only had one suitcase and a backpack with me, so it wasn’t too hard to carry by myself. i could only pray that it’d still be easy while navigating my way through the airport that i still wasn’t too familiar with.

***

it took me nearly 11 hours to get to seoul from london, without stopping -- which i was thankful for, i did not feel like spending 13+ hours on a plane. the airport in korea was much more crowded than the one in london, to my surprise, so i suspected that finding my brother would be a difficult task. however, we found each other rather easily, but it wasn’t too hard to find someone when they were holding a sign that had to be at least 3 feet in width and two feet in height that said ‘YOO YOUNGJAE’ in bright red marker.

“so, why red?” were the first words i said to my brother after not seeing him for a year and a half.

“why red?” he looked at me with a rather puzzled expression until i glanced towards the poster, which he then laughed rather loudly about. i’m surprised people weren’t staring at us from how loud he was being. “oh! red! i didn’t have black, sorry. were you wanting something to match the color of your heart?”

i rolled my eyes. “no, youngwon, i did not. what kind of person doesn’t have a black marker laying around in their home?”

“hey, you’re in korea now! call me hyung. respect your elders.” he nudged me in the side with his bony elbow and it took everything in me not to cringe because of how hard he’d hit me. in all reality, he most likely had barely even touched me, but i bruise like a fruit. you could hit me in the face with a wad of paper and i’d have a black eye the next day.

“hyung, right. i haven’t called you that since we were kids.” and it’s true, my mom made me call youngwon hyung. i had to get used to being polite.

“you’re right! this’ll be fun. you have to respect me so much more now. especially since you’ll be living in my home.” i could only glare at him in silence, biting my tongue from saying anything snarky in front of any older women who might glare right back at me if they heard me speaking to my older brother like that.

it was a short ride from the airport to the city, but the traffic of seoul tacked on an extra hour in the car just to reach youngwon’s apartment complex. the apartment itself was small but enough room for the both of us, which i didn’t mind. it only had two bedrooms and one bathroom that we’d have to share, the only downfall of living with him. the two of us were complete opposites, me being well organized and him being messy and carefree. i’d most likely be keeping the bathroom clean at least, but i’d never enter his warzone of a bedroom, even if he paid me to clean it for him.

“make yourself comfortable,” he started, carelessly tossing the backpack he’d carried in for me as if there weren’t anything valuable in it. (there wasn’t.) “i stocked the fridge and pantry just because i knew you were coming. there’s a jar in there for food money, too, since i figured you wouldn’t be getting a job any time soon.. so if you ever need anything, help yourself.” he pursed his lips in thought and i stayed silent, watching him glance around the room. “do whatever you want to your bedroom, just don’t paint it. there’s a spare key in there for you, so make sure you don’t lose it. i know you’re pretty forgetful and you tend to lose things like always, huh?”

my brother knows me so well. “right,” i plucked my bag off the couch and slung it over my shoulder, somehow managing to not lose an eye in the process. i spoke as i walked through to my room, hoping my voice carried enough to be heard at the opposite end of the apartment. “anything else you want me to know?”

“remember minhyuk? moon minhyuk?” youngwon’s voice was closer than i’d expected it to be, his footsteps obviously too silent for me to hear since he’d followed me down the hall.

“moon minhyuk..? no, doesn’t ring a bell. should i?” i did my best to remember. it wasn’t working.

“yeah, he was dad’s friend.”

“youngw- hyung, you have to remember, you’re nearly five years older than me. i don’t remember dad’s friends.” our father passed away when i was two.

“right, right,” he paused, looking towards the desk in the corner that had two keys on it.

“two?” i questioned. “really? you don’t trust me with one?”

youngwon laughed. “no, only one is for the apartment. the other one is for your car.”

“my car?” my eyes grew wide, somewhat confused since i hadn’t even looked into buying a car here yet. i didn’t see the need to. “i don’t have a car.”

“you do now!” his face lit up as he said that, and his excitement almost startled me. “his son got a new one and he had no use for this one anymore. he gave it to me really cheap, since he knew you were coming and needed some form of transportation other than walking and the bus.”

“you didn’t have to do that,” he really didn’t, but i was thankful. it’s nice to know that i can now travel anywhere i want without necessarily needing to walk to do so. “but thank you, i really appreciate it.”

“no problem!” he bounced forward on his toes a little, but quickly took his voice down a few notches. “it’s getting kinda late though, huh. you should probably sleep soon, so i’ll leave you be to do your thing.”

i started to open my mouth to respond, but he was out the door before i could do so.

finding the will to sleep that night was difficult. not because i was uncomfortable, i just wasn’t used to anything here yet. this wasn’t my bed, this wasn’t my room. this bed was small, much smaller than the one at home, and the same goes for the size of the room. i did like my one window, however. i liked being able to look out at the sky when i laid down, i liked being able to watch the rain. despite it being just a bit warmer here, the weather wasn’t too different for the time being. that was nice. after what felt like hours of trying, watching the raindrops roll down the window finally managed to convince my heavy eyelids to close.

***

the morning after was much brighter than i was expecting, the sky a baby blue and completely cloudless. hopefully i wouldn’t burn. is it even possible to get sunburned in the middle of august? with my luck, it is.

youngwon was already gone for his own schedules by the time i was ready to leave for mine, so getting ready was quiet aside from the sound of the city outside. the sound that i would be a part of, sooner than later -- i figured i’d grab something light to eat on the way to school, since i’d be walking there today. (youngwon forgot to show me which car was mine.) surely there’d be a few food tents from what i’d googled back at home. i felt more like a tourist rather than someone living here, but my looks said otherwise. i’d realize this the hard way, when i tried to order food and i hardly knew what i was saying the entire time.

the walk to the university wasn’t too long. it was a peaceful 30 minutes, filled with lots of five minute breaks of me stopping just to look around. if it weren’t for phones, i’d be completely lost and i’d most likely be kidnapped, but i managed to arrive safely and surprisingly, on time. i still had 20 minutes to find my way to the office and get my schedule for the semester, then find out where each class was. i felt like an outcast, but i knew i wasn’t sticking out like a sore thumb. i copied what everyone else did -- aside from a few chattery groups here and there -- and kept looking straight ahead, avoiding eye contact with anyone, and keeping to myself. until i nearly knocked an innocent bystander off their feet upon entering the office building, however.

“hey--” the stranger looked at me with his features somewhat scrunched at first, but they soon softened. “i’ve never seen you here before.”

“that might be because i’ve never been here before.” i did my best not to sound awkward or too sarcastic.

“oh, cool. you’re new? a transfer student?” i nodded. “sweet. do you know your way around? where are you headed?”

this guy was awfully interested in me for being someone i didn’t know from adam.

“i’m about to get my schedule now, i just got here, um..” i trailed off, my words escaping me. i really should’ve listened to my mom and paid more attention to her lessons. “i’m looking for the office.”

stranger boy blinked and opened the door he was currently holding a bit wider, turning to face the same way i was. “follow me!”

i didn’t really need help since i knew how to read, i could tell that the office was only a few doors down, but i didn’t want to seem rude to someone who could potentially be friend material.

“it’s right here, do you want me to wait outside for you? i can show you to your first class if you want.” he’s definitely trying hard.

“sure, if you don’t mind. you don’t-”

“it’s fine!” he cut me off, waving as he walked. “i’ll be outside, take your time!”

with his exit, my gaze met the sign in front of me that was clearly labeled ‘MAIN OFFICE’ and suddenly, my stomach erupted with a swarm of butterflies. i’m not one to get nervous often, but this was a completely new school, and i’m sure i’d end up having to have conversations more complex than the one i’d just had. i took a deep breath and pushed the door open, carefully peeking in to make sure i wouldn’t be making interruptions.

“can i help you?” the lady at the desk asked, her glasses nearly falling off of her nose from how low they were sitting.

“hi, i’m yoo youngjae, i’m-”

“oh, the new student!” and here i was, afraid of being the rude one. “you must be here to pick up your schedule?”

“right, yes ma’am,” i smiled, setting my bag down in the chair beside me before taking a step closer to the desk. “would you happen to have a map of the school here, also?”

she looked at me like i were speaking in tongues, but i honestly probably were. i coughed and tried my best to correct myself. “a map,” i paused, translating in my head. “do you have a map?”

her face immediately lit up as she laughed, nodding and rolling to the left side of the room to pull a pamphlet from a shelf on the wall. she handed it to me along with my schedule, her laughter lingering in her tone as she spoke.

“you’re from.. england, correct? are you still learning korean?” i’d taken it that she’d checked my profile before my arrival.

“actually, just living there. i was born here and moved to america when i was two,” i smiled at the memories i’d had while growing up in america. “i lived in washington for a while, then moved to england. and now i’m here.”

“oh, how lovely.” the woman nodded and smiled, opening the pamphlet on the desk in front of me. i took it she wasn’t too interested in my life story. “not to change the subject so soon, but here’s your first class and where it’ll be. i saw you talking to jaebum earlier, he should help you out.” so jaebum was the stranger’s name.

“okay, thank you,” i said, taking the papers from the surface. “if i have any questions, do i just come here?”

“you got it!” she beamed, returning back to what she had been working on before i came in. “have a good first day, and good luck.”

i nodded on my way out, quickly greeted by an eager jaebum.

“so, what’s your first class?” he was practically bouncing as he spoke. i could tell that he definitely had a childish side to him.

“um..” i held the paper up, squinting as i read the small font. “it looks like it’s a science class.”

“a science class? that’s kinda broad.” he paused, glancing me over. “you’re not from here, are you?”

i shook my head. “i just moved here from england. technically from korea, though..”

“ah, cool! you’re a foreigner that doesn’t look like a foreigner. good luck, buddy.” he grinned. “what’s your name, by the way?”

“youngjae,” i paused, still anxious from his ‘good luck’ statement. “are you jaebum? the lady at the desk said she saw me talking to you.”

“oh, yeah, that’s me. im jaebum.” he rolled his eyes and dragged me outside by the arm. “i’m in there quite a lot. that’s actually my aunt. she likes to give me grief.” poor thing. “but that just means i’ve been here long enough to tell you where everything is!”

frankly, i wanted to get to class as soon as possible, and by the way jaebum was casually speaking, i wouldn’t be getting there anytime soon if i hung around. “actually, i have this map so.. i’m just going to do my best to get to class on time. don’t worry, yeah?”

jaebum blinked, nodded, then waited for a few moments, like i’d thrown off his train of thought completely. “oh, cool. i’ll uh.. see you at lunch! just look for me, i sit near the front of the cafeteria.” i nodded in response, quick to turn and hurry off towards my first class.

the first few classes went by rather quickly. they were somewhat boring, since we didn’t do much on the first day aside from going through class syllabus and go over upcoming projects and essays. i figured lunch would be more interesting, since it meant i’d be running into jaebum all over again.

“youngjae!” i heard his familiar voice call for me and i smiled.

“hi, jaebum.” i waved, holding my water bottle in my other hand. i didn’t plan on eating lunch today, since my nerves would most likely have it back up in no time.

“this is my friend, suwoong,” he gestured to the male standing beside him with a cheeky smile on his face. “he’s friends with like, everyone, but he says i’m the coolest. right?” jaebum jabbed the boy in the side, laughing as he did so.

“right, now don’t ever do that to me again or i’ll break your hand.” he kept his cool when he spoke -- he didn’t sound angry at all, despite his expression stating otherwise. i couldn’t help but laugh, drawing the attention of both of them.

“sorry,” i said, covering my mouth. “you guys are kinda funny.”

they laughed and exchanged glances, suwoong placing a hand on my shoulder. “wait ‘til you get to know us. that’ll change.” i laughed again. “you can sit with us, i don’t want you to be alone.” and i was thankful.

we walked through a small crowd of hungry and impatient freshmen to get to our table, but once we were there, jaebum began his brief ‘introduction’ of everyone currently in the cafeteria, starting with a group of muscular looking guys - and girls.

“there,” he started, glancing to me. “there’s your health nuts. they’re all aspiring dancers and work out non-stop.” i nodded, pretending to pay attention. “there’s your bookworms. art students. not sure how they get along, but they do. both are just lonely i guess.” he continued, motioning to a table of roughly seven students, all silently hunched over some form of book. jaebum continued to ramble on, waving towards table across the cafe, but my attention span was lacking and i’d somehow managed to focus on the few boys towards the back of the room, somewhat secluded from the rest of us.

“who are they?” i interrupted. my turn to be rude, i suppose.

“them?” he pointed to the trio i had been staring at for the past three minutes. i nodded again.

“they’re the.. i’m not sure what to call them. they’re all siblings, though.” jaebum stated.

“adopted siblings.” suwoong cut in after biting into an apple, mid-chew. i glanced over and blinked.

“they’re all adopted?”

“yeah, some rich doctor who works at a hospital nearby moved here and brought his adopted sons with him.” jaebum played with his food as he spoke, like he was suddenly withdrawn from the conversation. “don’t think they have a mom though.”

“that one’s junhong,” suwoong pointed to the tallest of the three, whose figure was slim and quite lanky, like one gust of wind could blow him over. the way my belt was squeezing my hips somehow felt a bit tighter.

“and the one beside him is daehyun.” daehyun was shorter by a few centimeters, the height difference still noticeable. his skin was darker, yet paler than most of the students here, excluding myself. he had deep dimples that stood out even from a distance when he smiled.

“the last one, that’s himchan.” i almost felt a pang in my chest when i looked at him. he was ridiculously good looking, he stood out from the other two. his hair was a dark black, a complete contrast to his skin and coppery eyes. all three of them, actually -- their eyes were noticeable, and they were all gorgeous, but for some reason, i kept looking back to himchan. i couldn’t describe why. if it weren’t for jaebum saying something else, i probably would’ve kept staring for a while longer. “they’re all kinda weird. i heard that daehyun and junhong are like.. a thing. isn’t that ? gay.. ?”

“i mean, they’re not related.” suwoong stated in between his finishing bites of his lunch.

“gross, so you’re saying you’d date your sister if your parents decided to adopt one?” jaebum cocked a brow, obviously disgusted.

suwoong looked at me like a lost puppy, as if it were a cry for help. a nervous laugh erupted from his throat, one cheek still packed with food. “n-no, of course not! that’s gross. yeah, they are pretty weird.”

i decided to change the subject.

“i, um, need to get to my next class,” i said, glancing at the time on my phone. i still had 10 minutes left. “i’ll see you guys tomorrow?”

“what class do you have?” suwoong spoke up.

“creative writing with mrs. chae,” i had to think for a few moments after, just to confirm i’d given him the right information.

“oh, same!” he stood from his chair, eager to head to class. “we can go together!”

jaebum rolled his eyes again. “calm down, keep your in your pants.”

suwoong’s eyes grew wide. “jeez! i’m just trying to be friendly, i’m not--”

“you’re fine,” i cut him off with a smile, only to glare at jaebum. “let’s go to class, yeah? i’ll see you tomorrow, jaebum.” i tried to laugh to lighten the situation that had suddenly gone awkward.

“yeah, see you.” he was obviously trying to do the same thing.

suwoong and i headed to class, making small talk about the weather and each other’s days. i felt like our arrival was a blessing sent from the gods.

until i found the only empty chair, a desk beside himchan.

my heart sank into my stomach, a knot forming in my throat. i parted ways with suwoong earlier than i’d wanted to, almost wishing that the gods would take back their blessing and sit me by him instead. to no avail, i was seated by this incredibly handsome man who looked much older than he should and who i had stared at long enough earlier to recognize him in a face full of strangers. i would’ve said hello, but the moment i sat beside him, he seemed to lean the opposite way, gradually stiffening. his fist was even clenched beneath his desk.

do i smell bad? i took a subtle sniff near my armpit. nope.

do i have something in my teeth? i quickly traced my tongue over my teeth. no dice.

i glimpsed around the room and found suwoong, but he was completely distracted by the girls and guys around him, carrying on like he normally would. after swallowing the lump in my throat and nervously glancing over to him, i opened my mouth to speak.

“hi, i’m-” the loud noise of his chair scraping across the floor cut me off and filled the room. himchan was gone before i even had time to blink.

the room went silent for a few seconds, and i didn’t dare to look around. i kept my gaze lowered to the desk in front of me, pretending that i hadn’t been a part of what had just happened.

***

the event remained on my mind all throughout that class, up until the end of the day. what had i done to make him so angry? does he know me? did he ever live in america or england, did i hurt his feelings online? no matter how hard i tried to distract myself with other thoughts, himchan’s angry expression and dark black eyes somehow made their way back into my mind. it was frustrating. so frustrating that i nearly fell down a small flight of stone steps on my way home. there wasn’t anything i could do about what i’d done, and that bothered me.

youngwon still wasn’t home when i returned. the note he’d left for me on the kitchen table had been scribbled down in a hurry.

had something come up at work. will be home late. there’s leftovers in the fridge, or you could order in. see you later, little bro.

little bro. did he really have to call me that?

my appetite was practically nonexistent, but i hadn’t eaten anything hardly all day. i settled for cheap, cup ramen that i barely finished before getting ready for bed and tucking myself away for the night. i had homework from one of my classes, but i knew i’d be awake early enough to finish it tomorrow. even if i tried to do it tonight, all my answers would most likely have “himchan” somewhere written in them.

falling asleep that night was much easier than the last. i laid down and covered my head completely, engulfing myself in the warmth of the thick blanket my mom had given my brother years ago. it faintly smelled like our old home and a dusty closet. despite the comfort of the tiny bed and the small reminder of home, the last thing on my mind before sleep had finally taken me over, was -- you guessed it. himchan.

***

[ t/n: sorry the format is :^)))) insanely wonky bc i don't know how aff works but yeah okaY BYE! ]