We Gotta Make A Decision

What Do I Do?

Seungwan wakes to unexpected warmth and weight. When she attempts to sit up, it makes a cute whine and pushes her back down.

She blinks. The room spins into focus and she sees that Joohyun is curled on top of her, arms wrapped around her stomach, cheek pressed to Seungwan chest. She rises slightly with every breathe and Seungwan can’t name the emotion that wells up.

It tightens and stings at her eyes.

Joohyun is so lovely, painted in the reds and golds of the rising sun that Seungwan can’t bear it. She wants to cocoon her in sunlight and blankets and keep her close. She thinks that Joohyun looks so young, so painfully young when she’s sleeping and all the worries of the world are kept at bay.

A treacherous thought worms its way through the back of her skull. It makes its home inside her mind and Seungwan wants.

She wants this. She wants to stay like this, just her and Joohyun in this little sunlit room, secluded from the tumult outside these walls. She thinks that they could be happy.

She cradles Joohyun’s face in her hands, making sure to keep her touches light so she gets some much needed sleep. She drags her thumb down a perfect nose, over gorgeous lips and traces along a perfect jaw. She marvels at the softness of Joohyun’s skin.

Joohyun is beautiful and Seungwan knows this. But Joohyun is more than aesthetic attraction, more than the symmetry of her face. More than what everybody sees.

She’s so much more and nobody ever realises.

She is laughter and encouragement and support. She is warmth and comfort and strength. She is pain and tears and absolution. She is everything to Seungwan.

Joohyun can exist without Seungwan. But there is no Seungwan without Joohyun.

Joohyun is fire and Joohyun is steel; she has shaped Seungwan into something stronger, into someone better. And she does not know. Seungwan never told her and so she does not know. Joohyun is her north and her south and her entire ing compass and Seungwan needs to tell her this.

Seungwan wants to be brave.

She remembers a pair of intertwined trees. One dark and one light and both blooming beautifully. Once, they reminded her of Joohyun and herself, but no longer.

She thinks about insidious vines, climbing and coiling, draining and choking, successfully bringing titans down.

Joohyun is a giant. And even giants fall, given enough time.

Seungwan needs to learn. Seungwan needs to be brave. Seungwan needs grow up, grown apart. She’s too closely tied to Joohyun; there’s a part of her that she’ll never get back if they part ways.

If she doesn’t make room, if she doesn’t leave space, Joohyun will suffocate and Seungwan will wilt away without her. She needs to be a complement and an equal, nothing less.

She wants to stand alongside Joohyun in the sun and not forever cast in her shadow.

Joohyun stirs in discomfort and her face contorts.

Seungwan leans down to feather kisses across her brow, willing the furrows away. She commits the feel of Joohyun’s skin against her lips to memory.

“Seungwan?’ Joohyun’s eyes flutter open slowly, a small smile graces her lips at the sight of Seungwan above her.

Seungwan’s heart quivers in its cage.

She presses her lips to the top of a sleek head before she straightens up. She keeps her hands on Joohyun’s face.

“Joohyun.” She forgoes the honorific.

“Hi.”

“Hey you.”

Joohyun’s eyes curve into heart stopping crescents and Seungwan along her cheeks. Freshly awakened Joohyun is similar to sleepy Joohyun in that they are both very, very candid. And very, very cute. Not to mention oblivious. She hasn’t noticed that Seungwan’s clothes are not her own. Thank god.

“I need to talk to you.”

Luscious lips jut out into a pout and Seungwan’s eyes follow the motion. They are a very pretty pink.

“Right now?”Joohyun whines. “Can’t we stay like this a little longer?”

She’s playful this morning, as much as Seungwan wants to indulge, she can’t. Not today and not like this. Not with all that’s between them.

She decides to strike the hardest blow first. She hopes that Joohyun is as resilient as Seungwan thinks she is. She has to be.

“I’m moving out.”

“What?!” Joohyun immediately scrambles off of her and sits up.

“What do you mean you’re moving out?” She grabs the nearest pillow and hugs it to her chest. She looks upset but not defeated.

“I just need some time to myself. So I’m moving into with a friend for a little while.” Seungwan scoots forward so that their knees are touching. Joohyun does not flinch back. That’s a good sign.

“It’s not — it’s not because of me it it?” Her head is bowed, a curtain of black hair obscuring her face. There’s an almost imperceptible tremor in her voice.

When Seungwan moves, she swears that it’s all just for Joohyun and it has nothing to do with her own wants.

She gently pries the pillow from shaking fingers and places it to the side. She places her hands on Joohyun’s shoulders and pulls her forward until she’s tucked beneath Seungwan’s chin.

Seungwan traces circles on her back, feels Joohyun shake in her embrace. There’s sniffling and she feels wetness against her neck. She presses another kiss to the top of Joohyun’s head.

“It’s not because of you. I just need to figure some things out and being in the dorm with all of you guys can be a bit too much sometimes. I’ll be back before you know it, I promise.”

Joohyun pulls back to look at her with watery eyes, tearing rolling down her cheeks. Seungwan feels devastation strike her gut and clenches her fists. She needs to do this. She needs to be strong.

She brushes the tears away with her thumb and Joohyun leans into her touch.

“You promise?” Joohyun’s lower lip quivers.

Seungwan dips down and rests her forehead against Joohyun’s. Their faces are inches apart and her words are unmistakeable. “I promise.”

Joohyun‘s hands cup the base of her neck to keep her close. “I’ll be waiting for you to come back to me.”

 

 

Seungwan is kneeling by her opened wardrobe and haunted by indecision. She has too many clothes. She needs pyjamas, yes. Does she need shorts? What is the weather for the week? Should she bring a hat?

When she finally makes up her minf she folds her clothes neatly and then undoes all her hard work by cramming them into a duffel bag. It’s a hideous shade of canary yellow and she is really regretting the impulse buy.

Jessica had told her to pack for a fortnight. But had invited her over for an indefinite amount of time. When she had brought it up, Jessica’s reply was an amused “I do own a washing machine you know.” and the rationalisation that she could always pop back to the dorm to pick things up. Seungwan had still panicked.

Seungwan is still panicking.

There’s three sharp knocks at her door. It’s Seulgi. She’s the only one that actually knocks.

“Come in.” The door is opened a crack and Seulgi slips inside.

“Seungwan?”  

“Hey, Seul. Make yourself comfortable.”

Seulgi sits at the edge of the bed and rests her hands on her thighs.

“Unnie said you were moving out.”

“Mmhmm.” She makes a noise of agreement and continues rummaging through her wardrobe.

“I know it’s really none of my business, but is there something I could do to help the two of you out?”

Seungwan freezes mid fold.

She puts the shirt down and turns to face Seulgi. “What do you mean?”

“I’m not blind, Seungwan. Sooyoung and Yerim aren’t either. There’s something going on between you and Joohyun-unnie. And it’s something big if you’re leaving us because of it.”

“I’m not leaving because of Joohyun-unnie. I’m doing it because I need some time to myself, alright…”

"Seungwan moves until she’s on the bed. They sit side by side in silence, until Seulgi ventures, “Did you have a fight? Did Joohyun-unnie say something? I know she can be harsh at times, but she’s always means well. I can talk to her if you want.”

Seungwan sighs and moves closer.

“We didn’t have a fight and she didn't say anything. It would be easier if it was either of those things.”

“Do you want to talk about it?”

Does she want to talk about? Yes, she does. Should she talk about it? No, she shouldn’t. It’s between Joohyun and her and she doesn't want to involve the other members. Because if she tells Seulgi, Sooyoung and Yerim will find out, one way or another. Those two have never played fair. It’s too much pressure on the two of them and they’re already having trouble. She can’t.

She leans against a familiar shoulder. “I’m sorry, I can’t. I want to, but I can’t. I’m sorry. I’m sorry.”

“No it’s ok, I understand. I just want you to know, I’m here for you okay? You can tell me anything.” Seulgi smiles at her, completely sincere and Seungwan feels herself overflow with gratitude. Seulgi is the best friend anybody could wish for.

“I don’t know what I’m supposed to do, Seul.”

“Hmmm.”

“Seul? Seulgi?” Seulgi looks uncomfortable and Seungwan is worried.

“Seungwan, you know how I’ve know Joohyun-unnie practically forever?”

“Yes.”

“Well I’ve learnt a lot about her over the years and I thought I knew all of her faces. Did you know that there’s an expression she only makes when she’s staring at you? I swear I see stars in her eyes.”

“Seul…”

Seulgi’s expression hardens suddenly. She sits up straight and bodily makes Seungwan face her.

“But, ever since it got weird between the two of you, unnie let out a side I haven’t seen before. She’s quieter than she’s ever been and she keeps staring into space and making mistakes. She’s eaten chicken twice by accident now.”

Seulgi’s eyes narrow into something that’s almost a glare. Seungwan swallows nervously.

“You are very, very important to me. But Joohyun-unnie is Joohyun-unnie. So please, try to take care of each other okay? And please come back soon. I haven’t seen her cry this much in years and it’s honestly scaring me.”

Joohyun has been crying? Seungwan needs to fix this.

“I’m going to try my best. This, me moving out, is me trying. And I’ll come back with a clearer head and a better game plan and I’m going to fix it.”

“Good. I don’t want the two of you to hurt anymore. You both deserve to be happy.”

 

 

She’s seated on the couch by the door, duffel bag at her feet.

I’m ready when you are. Seungwan really, really hopes that Taeyeon has recovered from yesterday. She really needs that lift. And if Taeyeon can’t help her, the other options she has left is to either taxi it or ask Tiffany to drive her. They’re both pretty bad ideas at this point in time.

I’ll be there in ten :) Surprisingly, Taeyeon only uses emojis when she actually means them. So she can tell that Taeyeon is all good now. Seungwan fist pumps in relief. Taeyeon is back in the game. She’s so elated by relief she doesn’t notice the extra weight on the couch.

“Seungwan.”

“Ahhhhhh.” She drops her phone and catches it mid-air with a clap. She holds it over her heart protectively.

“Oh. I’m sorry.” Joohyun looks crestfallen. Her eyes are red-rimmed and there’s wet stains on her sleeves.

Seungwan pretends she doesn’t notice.

“No. No. It’s fine. You know me, I’m just terrible clumsy. Ahahahah.” She waves her hands rapidly to indicate that she is fine. It’s a poor attempt. Nobody is fooled.

Joohyun shifts closer to poke at her cheek. “You are such an awkward hamster.” Much like sleepy Joohyun and barely awake Joohyun, post-crying Joohyun is also very uninhibited.

“Why am I always a hamster? Why can’t I be something cool?” She puffs her cheeks out in mock anger.

There’s another poke at her cheek. “It’s because your cheeks are so floofy. So, who are you wanting for?”

“I’m waiting for Taeyeon-unnie. She’s going to give me a lift.”

Joohyun tilts her head quizzically. She looks very cute and Seungwan resists the urge to grab her cheeks. Joohyun tends to slap away hands that get too close to her face. And she hits hard.

“Taeyeon-ssi is giving you a lift? Aren’t you moving in with her?”

How did Joohyun come to that conclusion!?

“No? I’m not moving in with her. Why would you think that?”

“Because she’s one of your closest friends and she has her own house? Who else would you move in with?” Seungwan sees that she has some very valid points

“Wait. Who are you moving in with?” Bright eyes thin into suspicions slits and Seungwan chuckles nervously.

“Jessica.”

“Jessica Jung?”

“Yes.”

Perfect eyebrows rise in surprise. Joohyun looks impressed. It’s quite difficult to impress a woman like Joohyun. It takes a woman like Jessica.

“I wasn’t aware you knew each other.”

Seungwan should be honest. Seungwan should tell Joohyun that she’s only met Jessica once and that it was an offer that she really, really wanted to take.

She should tell Joohyun a lot of things. She would tell Joohyun all of them if she was brave.

Seungwan decides to start small. Start today.

“We’ve actually just met yesterday. She was my date last night.”

Oh.” She has never heard such a clipped syllable before today. She watches Joohyun slowly begin to grind her teeth.

“She’s also actually terribly in love with a friend of mine.” Saying friends would require a long explanation.

“Oh.” It’s the same syllable but a completely different emotion. The grinding stops.

“I’m going to move in with Jessica for a bit and we’re gonna help each other out.” It’s the truth. As abbreviated as it is.

Taeyeon chooses that moment to bang loudly at the door. “Oiii, Seungwan, get your out here, Jess says we have to get there in time for lunch and I said we would.”

“I’m going to miss you…” Joohyun pulls at the bottom of Seungwan's sweater.

“I’ll be back  before you know it.” She stands up and tries to step away. A tug pulls her back. She stares down.

“You’d better.” Pretty eyes dart from side to side as Joohyun opens and closes .

They’re interrupted by a yell. “OIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!!!!!! Don’t you make a liar out of me, Son Seungwan!“

There’s a sudden, soft pressure on her cheek and then Joohyun is gone in a flourish of dark hair and lavender pyjamas.

Seungwan blinks at the empty room and wonders if it was all her imagination.

“SEUNGWAN!!!!!! HURRY PLEASE”

She throws her bag over shoulder and casts one long lingering look towards where Joohyun disappeared before exiting the apartment.

 

 

“Thanks.” Taeyeon is a smooth driver and Seungwan appreciates it. Tiffany is a much jerkier driver and as much as Seungwan enjoys her company, car rides can be a little stressful.

“For?”

“Knocking some sense into my head.” Somebody had to. For all their sakes. Seungwan wonders if she’s the first. Or the latest on a long list of exasperated, well-meaning friends.

“No problem. It was my pleasure. I’m sorry that your heart got smashed into a million little pieces in a dark carpark.”

“It’s classic Jessica though. Just ripping the bandaid straight off.”

"I mean, I just met her, but I thought so too.”

“Oh good, you’re a fast learner. You’re gonna need it if you’re moving in with Jess.”

Seungwan feels apprehension being to build. As similar as they are, she doesn’t know that much about Jessica and she really can’t keep using herself as an estimate. It won’t end well if she assumes everything. It might have been too spontaneous a move.

Dammit, Jessica. She’s too persuasive for her own good, not to mention everyone else’s.

“Could you please, please, please give me tips about moving in with her. Pretty please with Jessica on top?”

“You and me both…” Taeyeon doesn’t mumble quietly enough.

“What??”

“Yes. Right. Jess. Living with Jess. Honestly, her house is organised and aesthetic, but once you go into her room, it’s a mess, so as long as you keep the house clean, you can do whatever with your room. Also, no cucumbers in the house, it’s a buy-her-expensive-cake-worthy offence. Sharing a living space with her isn’t a problem. It’s all the stuff she asks for help with. She’s all ’Tae this and Tae that.’ Really, I spoil her.”

Taeyeon sighs dreamily. “She’s so cute when she’s demanding. ”

“And you were going at me for my supposed ‘intimidating woman’ thing? Really, unnie? After Jessica——-.”

Seungwan cuts herself off in mortification.

“Oh my god.”

“What? Finally realised how deep you were in denial?” Taeyeon waggles her eyebrows.

“No. I called her Jessica. To her face!”

“Well that is her name?”

“I didn’t use any honorifics! She’s going to kill me. Jessica-ssi is going to kill me." She thinks that if she belatedly attaches an honorific now, Jessica might hurt her less.

“Oh that? Relax. She’s really unbothered about  all that stuff. Now if you ever met our Joohyun, that’s who you gotta pull out the manners for.

Seungwan takes a deep breath. She thinks she’ll ask Jessica anyway. Just in case. It’s her house after all.

“Oh by the way, you told her yet?”

“Joohyun-unnie? Yea.”

“No, not her, but it’s nice to know she’s your first thought. I meant Krys.”

“Krystal? No why?”

Taeyeon takes her eyes off the road for a brief, incredibly brief moment to stare at her incredulously.

“I don’t know. Why would you? It’s not like you’re moving into her sister’s house or anything.”

Seungwan now realises that she probably should have told Krystal.

“Oh right. I didn’t think about that. Thanks. I’ll do it now.” She hasn’t moved in yet. Almost. But not yet.

“That’s ‘cos you’ve got a one track mind and it’s all about Bae Joohyun.

Seungwan types out a message. She has an inkling of what Krystal’s reply will be and she’s got her response ready. I’m moving in with your sister.

The replies comes almost instantlly and she can feel the disbelief. WHAT??????? WHY? WHEN? HOW? MY SISTER? LIKE, JESSICA JUNG? (ʘ‿ʘ)

She keeps her reply short and simple. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Ah, sweet satisfaction.
 

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ChaseTheSun
I've temporarily come out of retirement

Comments

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Favebolous #1
Chapter 11: Miss this
Favebolous #2
Chapter 3: Hahahaha Krys
Demima #3
Chapter 11: Feb 24, and we’re still waiting:)
_sonchae_
#4
Chapter 11: i need the update author pls 😭
RedVelvet_Reveluv #5
Chapter 11: Please don't delay, author-nim! I'm really looking forward to Seungwan's answer to Joohyun's question! I want my Wenrene 🥺😭😭😭. They are so adorable!!!
RadJad #6
It’s great to see you back!!
wenderpul
#7
Chapter 11: IM GOING TO BE SO ANNOYING ABOUT WDID EVEN MORE THAN BEFORE I PROMISE YOU
juhyuneeeee
87 streak #8
Chapter 11: welcome back authornim?!! 😭
SEEKER_
#9
Chapter 5: The way you wrote it... Now, i want more wenstal
cheysday
#10
Chapter 10: Love the new chapter. Looking forward to the next ❤